The Blogtastic Blogfest That Is Getmeoutofthis.net!

I know why you come here. You come here for the cold hard facts. You want to know what’s really up in the world of toothpaste.

I’ve got you covered.

Freed from my mother’s house and the toothpaste she would often purchase for me and place in my bathroom like an extremely nice parent, I was free to buy any toothpaste I damn well pleased. When my tube was running out, I was excited by the prospect of a new, thrilling dental hygiene adventure. I went to the store, where I spied my normal toothpaste. Screw that! I looked lower on the shelf, and there was Crest Complete Citrus Splash toothpaste! It called to me. I have always been a citrus-loving person, and the idea of a toothpaste that did not taste like mint intrigued me. I had to find out. I purchased it.

Then, of course, my current toothpaste didn’t run out for like another month! This is the danger of those tubes that you don’t roll up like I was using. My dog even tried to eat the box the toothpaste was in during that month! Luckily, he was unsuccessful.

Anyway, I finally got to try it and, uh, wow. That was a mistake.

The taste is okay. It’s kind of like a watered-down orange soda? There’s nothing wrong with it. It is inoffensive on that front, and I am certainly going to use the whole tube. But I just didn’t consider how strong the mental connection of “Mint=Clean” is. It feels extremely wrong to brush my teeth with this stuff. Not to mention that, moments after I brush my teeth, I am normally using some minty mouthwash, which just kind of kills the orange taste in my mouth anyway. Add all this up, and realize that it’s not like I hate the taste of mint or anything, and I just really don’t see why I would need this sort of flavored toothpaste.

This has been one of my most boring posts to date! Stay tuned tomorrow, where I write about my experiences with a new brand of freezer bag! (Not really.)

Okay, let’s reach back on the ol’ list of blog ideas that I haven’t gotten around to writing yet.
Oh, okay, here’s an old one. Majesty.

Majesty is a series that one Matthew Essner really enjoys. I knew that, but I didn’t know much about it until I watched a quick look of the new one on Giant Bomb. The idea of not having direct control over your units, just how you spend money, seemed really appealing, so when I saw that there was a Majesty game on iOS for a buck, I figured I’d pick it up and give it a try.

First off, let me just say that the controls are not that great. They feel like someone shoehorning in normal PC controls on a touch screen. It’s very hard to set items down exactly where you want them, because you have to double tap on a grid that is actually very small. This can create problems when you’re trying to place important structures like defense towers. It also is near-impossible to set “Defend this” flags, which is kind of an issue, too.

The other thing that really confused me is that this isn’t a port! Apparently the levels in this are completely different than in the PC version, which is just… crazy. If they were going to make new levels, why not make controls that aren’t ass? I only found this out when I went looking for help on a level I got stuck on, and Essner told me that level simply isn’t in the game he played. How crazy is that, right?

Still, the basic concept is still cool. Instead of issuing orders to your adventurers, you post various bounties. “Explore here, get 100 gold.” “Kill this, get 200.” The more money, the more people will want to do it. When you pay the adventurers for doing this, they will spend the money in your shops buying a new enchanted sword, or some healing potions so they can take on harder jobs. It’s like you’re controlling the random sidequest board in an RPG, and I am down with that. There were certainly some points where I was like “Dammit, just kill that thing!” but most of the time I enjoyed the feel.

This version has problems, though. It apparently works on an iPhone, but I have no idea how shitty the game would play on that small of a screen. It’s a weird product, but I suppose if you enjoyed the original game, and had a buck, picking it up wouldn’t be a bad move to have some more of that action on the go. I know Essner was certainly interested when I showed it to him.

Today is the last day to use the milk in my refrigerator.

Today is also the day where I talk Saints Row The Third spoilers. Remember when I said that yesterday? I didn’t lie. If you want to play this game, and you damn well fucking SHOULD, you should not spoil yourself on it. So go away if that’s the case. Otherwise, feel free to read on.

—SPOILARZ BEGIN—

Fuck, that Saints Row the Third, eh? What in the game wasn’t amazing?
Seriously, though. I just have to point at a few things and go “Holy Shit!”

The mission where you are rescuing Zimos from the sex club was the first time I totally lost it. I am no stranger to this stuff, and when the manager mentioned “pony barn” I had a good idea where things were going. Still, the utter absurdity of the shootout on the Pony Carts, and the fact that they explode, just made me break out into laughter. I could barely shoot. I was involved in something so fucked up! It was beautiful. It was then that I knew I had made no mistakes about my love for this game.

The major setpieces of the game, where you’re destroying the rival gangs of the Luchadores and the Deckers, are equally fucked up, and I love them so much. When Matt started making my game lag in the Decker attack, and it really was exactly like a laggy FPS, I just couldn’t help but giggle. Similarly, every single bit of the showdown wrestling match with Killbane was just… perfect. It was ridiculous, and I loved it.

One little detail that kept showing up in the game that was so stupid, I had to love it, was my backpack. At some point, I bought this stupid bright pink kitty backpack and wore it. For whatever reason, whenever my character put on a costume, she’d still have the backpack on. I was wrestling with that thing! It just made the whole situation all the more ridiculous. It was perfect for the Boss’s character.

As far as the ending goes, I really have to say I like the “good guy” ending much better. I picked that one first, of course, because I am predictable, and everything about the Gangstas in Space mission was a joy. I was laughing. I can’t wait to play more of that, seeing as I threw down for the DLC. The other set of missions just… well, they were crazy, but they just lacked the humor. It was appropriate for the Saints to basically decide to have Steelport secede from the United States for no reason. That is dumb and also ridiculous. But just… a different kind of ridiculous. That one might be the more “true” ending for people who played the first two games, but I wasn’t a huge fan.

I think that’s about all I have to say. I am waiting desperately for the DLC. I felt like it was overpriced, but dammit, I want more of this game. So I bought it. I hope it lives up to the awesome titles.

I’m just going to talk about Saints Row: The Third, okay? Today? No spoilers. Tomorrow: spoilers, probably. I mean, we’ll see. I haven’t written it yet. Maybe I’ll have less to say than I think I will. But I also think that is unlikely.

Before Saints Row: The Third, I had only really clicked with one or two open world games before, such as Red Faction: Guerrilla. The adventures of the Space Asshole were fantastic. You always had something fun to do (read: blow up) and more fun was very rarely far away. What’s more, you always felt insanely powerful. It would take waves and waves of dudes to even attempt to kill you, and that was just so much fun. Crackdown was really the other game that clicked with me, and it was similar. Always something useful to do. From the near get-go, you felt invincible and powerful.

I guess it’s no surprise then, that since Saints Row: The Third has such upgrade tree options as “Don’t Take Damage From Bullets” that I would enjoy it. From the get-go, the game makes it clear that you are powerful, obscenely so, and that nothing can stop you. Sure, if you weren’t playing on easy like I was, you might die sometimes. There were moments where I got killed, even on easy. But most of the time, nothing can touch you. You eventually fight a whole fucking army, and nothing can stop you. It’s amazing, and it’s so, so much fun.

On top of all that, all of the dialog in the game is fantastic. It’s funny, but most importantly, it’s smart and extremely well-delivered. This is a game with auto repair shops are called “Rim Jobs,” but somehow the characters in it seem extremely real, and have fantastic chemistry with your player character, which is just mind-blowing considering there are, what, 7 different options for voices? It never felt like my character’s voice was pasted in. It felt like the whole game was made around her. It’s fantastic that way. I mean, okay, I said no spoilers, but here’s something near the beginning of the game that just shows how amazing this voice work is. So good.

Plus, the game has a “buy up property which gives you money that you can use to buy more property” mechanic, which I am always a total sucker for and love.

All these elements, plus a completely batshit insane story, adds up to what I feel I can pretty safely say is the best gaming experience I have had this year. Every moment of this game was a joy to play through. Sure, there were some mission types I wasn’t a fan of, but the game really doesn’t penalize you for not doing those. You really can play your way, and the game is constantly giving you new tools to skip the parts of the game you don’t like. It rewards you for doing well by letting you remove what you don’t like, and continues to reward you for doing what you do like. It is a video game, not high art, but oh, what a video game it is.

Go play this game. Seriously. Don’t read the spoilers tomorrow, just play the damn game. You won’t be disappointed.

I just survived a retail Black Friday, and you expect me to write a blog? No no no no no, here, have some links instead. I’ll be back tomorrow.

Okay, let’s get the pony links out of the way. I find this funny. I’ve also been using this because Power has been stuck in my head. Thanks Saints Row! Finally, here’s an animated gif. There. Survived that.

Oh, speaking of Saints Row, someone made Chie in their character creator, which is awesome.

Deptford often creates pieces of sheer genius.

This is one of the best combo videos I’ve seen. Pretty neat!

PARTY DOG.

TNG Season 8 is a great twitter account. Here’s one of their recent ones that made he grin.

Important work is being done in Battlefield 3.

Shepard. Wrex.

And finally, here’s something to fuel your nightmares.

This evening, I got a chance to play with Hinterlands, the new Dominion expansion. There are a lot of those now! And my brother’s father-in-law loves the crap out of them. He brought the new set to Thanksgiving, so of course we had to throw down a little.

It had been a long time since I played Dominion. It was a ground-breaking game, but in a lot of ways, I’ve kind of moved past it at this point. It’s very simplistic, even with a lot of the expansions in play. That’s both a good and a bad thing, I suppose. Still, it is still an enjoyable gaming experience.

Hinterlands seemed to revolve around mechanics that made you discard a lot of cards, as well as cards that have an effect when you buy them. For example, when you buy Mandarin, you get to pick up all the treasure you played that turn and plop it on top of your deck. As far as discarding goes, you have simple cards with discard mechanics, like Oasis, which is +1 Card, +1 Action, Discard a Card, +1 Treasure. There was even a crazy victory point card called Tunnel, which let you take a Gold card every time you discarded that card in particular.

By far, my favorite card, though, was Fool’s Gold. It was a treasure that was only worth one… unless you play more than one copy a turn, where every copy other than the first one is worth four instead. I bought many of them and used them to great effect. I also enjoyed Oracle, which let you look at the top 2 cards of everyone’s deck, and decide whether you should put them into their discard pile or not, then draw two cards. I had a lot of fun with that one.

I didn’t eek out a victory, but it was a fun time. Dominion still has it! I’m not sure who besides Steve would still be buying expansions for it, but it is still a fun game that’s quick to play. Hinterlands certainly seems like a better expansion than, say, Alchemy, which kind of sucked. Although Dominion is not really the focus of my play time anymore, I’m never going to turn down giving it a go, so it was interesting to see what they’re still doing with the game.

Wow. I don’t know what to say! Such an honor. Um, goodness, thank you all. There are just a few people and nonspecific entities I’d like to thank… let me get my notes out here…

I’d like to thank my parents for their part in helping me to move into this fantastic house. They’ve done a ton, and while we, as per usual, still fight about so many things, I couldn’t have done it without them.

I’d like to thank Brer, for working so hard for such shitty hours in order to move down here with me. Like a month to go! It’s crazy! You can do it, love!

I’d like to thank video games for continuing to be entertaining. Lately life has been so crazy I haven’t gotten to play you, but you’ve always been there for me, and when I do get the time? Damn. I’ve had fun.

I’d like to thank my own perseverance and self-motivation. There was a time where I thought you guys were, like… gone. I didn’t think you existed. But over this year, you all have knocked it out of the fucking park, and my life is astronomically better for it.

I’d like to thank popsicles for just being generally delicious, even in the middle of winter.

I’d like to thank all my coworkers at Kohl’s, for being just generally awesome, but also being pretty damn awesome about my transition in particular. I expected at least some resistance, but have basically felt absolutely none. That means a lot to me.

I’d like to thank my brother and sister-in-law, for always being insanely supportive of me. No way I could ever thank you two enough for that.

I’d like to thank Aesa for randomly starting to talk to me more while she was on her trip, which has turned into a fantastic friendship I can’t believe I was missing out on before.

I’d like to thank Q for being such a good dog right out of the gate.

I’d like to thank the internet for being my lifeline.

I’d like to thank the phrase “I’d like to thank” for starting each one of these sentences.

Oh, wait, there’s the music. Well, I’m sure I missed a lot of people, objects, and general concepts, but I will do my best to be thankful for all for all of them! Thank you! It’s been great!

Okay, so I know I said poetry was on Thursdays but I wanted to write an Obligatory Thanksgiving Post as I tend to in order to thank people for shit. So, you know, you get a poem today. Here you go!

The Finest Things

Look out of the car window
at the blur of the city.
Can you feel it?
There’s a certain speed
where you lose track
of how many splatters of blood
drip out behind you
with furious acceleration,
and start thinking about
the finer things in life.
Some people prefer wine,
selected from among many
and poured into glass
endlessly
poured again and again.
Others prefer a fine dining experience
with fluttering cloth napkins
and an army of waiters
desperate to rid themselves
of course after course.

I, of course, prefer freedom.

It’s delicious,
looking at a wall,
resolute,
and knowing that
it could no longer exist.
And if it no longer existed,
that it could,
masons struggling to build
fast enough to your expectations.
Someone is a someone
as fast as they are not
with the ringing snap
of my fingers.
I find a goal
and it is completed.
Conquests are a vapor
inhaled quickly,
and dealt with just the same.

This, my friend,
is life,
not screaming,
not surviving,
but being free
to knock down everything in your path
or go around it
and enjoy the view
at your own pace.

At some point, I started buying popsicles as a cost-effective but probably still bad for me alternative to buying a ton of candy. They were cheaper! I couldn’t just buy them and eat them immediately to keep me from going too overboard! They were tasty! Something like that! My go-to were Lemonade Bomb Pops, which were kind of expensive, but fuck, were they good. Sour and citrus and just… mm. Perfect.

However, recently, I spotted a new box at the grocery store. They were Warheads Freezer Pops. You know, the kind in the little tube where you cut off the end with a pair of scissors? Those sorts of things. They were really cheap, too, like a dollar for a box, so I bought some. I had no idea what to expect, though. The idea of what the box advertised as an “extreme sour” popsicle sounded like a dangerous proposition. Surely it wouldn’t actually be extreme sour? I mean, Warheads the candy are quite sour, but only for a few moments, and then they mellow out quite nicely. I’ve certainly had things more sour than a Warhead, but in popsicle form? Hm.

I’m happy to report, though, that they are completely tasty. They have a constant sour to them, but not overwhelming like the first moment of a Warhead the candy. It’s not subtle, constantly there, accenting the flavor of the popsicle in question. The flavors in the pack are pretty good, too. I’m not a huge fan of the Watermelon, which is probably my least favorite. Even that, though, I totally enjoy. The Blue Raspberry, especially is fantastic, but this is not surprising as I tend to enjoy anything flavored Blue Raspberry. It’s a good mix, and good stuff!

I’m thinking of attempting a switch over to them, if they keep being stocked. They are much cheaper than those Bomb Pops, especially if I eat them at the same too-fast rate as the Bomb Pops, which so far as proven true. It’d be a nice money-save! And having to freeze them might help keep me from eating too many of them.

Stay tuned for more popsicle-related rants and ramblings! (Okay, probably not really. Unless I really do keep trying new popsicles. But even then! Probably not.)

My mother bought an Xbox. She wanted to play trivia with my dad, okay? So she bought an Xbox. That happened. I am going to do what I can to help her do just that. Because I am a good daughter! Even if she still wouldn’t call me that.

But that Xbox came with a Kinect. So when I set it all up for her, I also set up the Kinect, and we tried out Kinect Adventures.
That sure is a Kinect demo sort of game thing!

First off, my parents’ living room is really well set up for Kinect, actually, now that the TV is on the wall. It could see us perfect, and we had plenty of room for stupid flailing about, so that’s nice. The voice controls also work really well, which is totally cool! It’s a pretty neat feature. Still, we had a really good setup, and Kinect often had little problems picking us up. Especially stepping forward and backward! Leg stuff. That was hard for it.

Kinect Adventures, though, was really just a demo reel, but it was entertaining. The series of the minigames seemed to impress my parents, and I had fun enough playing them. They were also entertained by the photographs after every game. I was less so, but was glad to find that yes, I really can look at myself now without cringing. It’s nice! Though I still think the picture-taking is kind of dumb.

The best game, by far, was the one where you’re on the little platform and have to dodge the stuff in a little race with player two. Not only was actually attempting to play that game an actual workout, but it was action-packed, fun, and used the Kinect really well in a way that didn’t make the flaws obvious. Even then, though, it still couldn’t read side-stepping very well, and since you needed to do that to win… well…

Fun was had, but the problems were obvious. There is and always will be novelty in jumping around like a madman and seeing that reflected on screen, but… yeah. Without something nice overlayed with purpose, I just… I don’t need one of those! But it’ll be fun to mess around with it with my parents, I guess.

I do still want to play Dance Central, though. Yes I do.