The Blogtastic Blogfest That Is Getmeoutofthis.net!

How’ve you been doing?

I’ve been doing pretty shitty, so… that’s good. I suppose.

Standing up for yourself sucks. It really, truly does. There is rarely any time when standing up for yourself makes things easier, or makes you feel good. It’s a constant battle. A constant struggle. Especially when something this huge, this big is on the line, it’s really tough.

I’ve tried to tell my parents this. I’ve tried to tell them how every dream I have for the future, everything I want requires this. I’ve tried to tell them how long this has been going on, and how much it means to me. I tried doing it by being soft, by being gentle. But they wouldn’t get it.

So I put my foot down on Monday.

There were a lot of tears, and a lot of “you didn’t warn me” talk, which is silly because they’ve known this stuff for years. I only exploded once, and that was because Mom’s talking about me as if I was going to be dead after this really made me angry because it really hurt. I did my best to not waffle. I remade my points again and again. I didn’t let them tell me things that weren’t the truth, because I know the truth about me. I’m me. I know why I’m doing these things, and I know how I feel. How do I feel? Shitty. Really shitty. What’s the solution? To deal with my problems, not to hide from them. Especially not to hide from them for my parents’ sake.

I love them both so much. This is really, really fucking hard. To listen to my Mom beg for “just one more year, just one more thing to be proud of” like she will never have anything to be proud of ever again… it hurts. A lot.

The good things that have come out of this is that they will be talking to my psychiatrist soon, like they should have months ago. In addition, my dad said he was trying. Nearly in tears, he told me he was trying to understand. Trying to figure out how to help me. That made me sob. That meant so, so much to me. I don’t expect them to just get it instantly… but that he’s trying… that’s important. That’s meaningful.

Anyway, I have a class to teach, somehow… I’m going to try not to be super-depressed. I’m going to try to keep functioning. Have so far, even if it’s been a bit robotic. I’m going to get things done…

Dammit…

Since last Friday, say, I’ve been in a horrible depressive funk. It’s kind of shitty. I’ve been working on Assassin’s Creed 2 and hiding to attempt to combat this, but I don’t know how well it’s gone. I’ve basically been lashing out at Brer and being pretty stupid and secluded. Cara said I was “absent.” I guess that works.

I really wish I had a handle for why I get like this. I mean, I have theories. I’m burning all my social energy and I’m running out, or my body just decides it’s not going to take any more and needs a break. I don’t know. I just hate how awful I am. I hate not really understanding why I feel so horrible, and I hate that these situations have come back. I used to be able to ignore them, or at least keep them to one evening, but this shit has gone on for like 4 days and may still continue. I don’t know.

Anyway, moodiness sucks and I hate it, the end.

Still, I guess it’s nice to have a little time to indulge it. And I survived the semester with a 4.0, even with everything I was fighting with the whole time.

I have it together. Kind of. Even if I am completely broken sometimes.

Yep.

I’ve been having some really bad mood day lately.

Uselessly, I’ve been trying to pin down why. I mean, I know that I have had a lot of shit on my plate recently. Lots of things are going on here at the end of the semester. But it seems like that’s just making it worse. It isn’t the cause. It feels like there’s something deeper behind it, that I can’t get to, and I can’t figure out. I try and I try to connect the dots and figure it out, but I fail. It’s so damn frustrating.

It’s like there’s a hollow place in my stomach, and then a pressure on my chest. It makes it hard to breathe, and sometimes I have to just stop, and focus on breathing for awhile. It’s really kind of annoying. Brer says it sounds like anxiety, so I’ve been using that word, but hell if I know.

Basically, yeah, if you’ve seen me looking like shit recently, it’s probably that which was going on. People have been asking me if I’m alright, so I feel like it’s been pretty bad this last week and whatnot. Which is annoying. I don’t want to bring people down with my stupidity. But what are you going to do, I guess. I’m doing what I can to combat it. I’m getting my work done, I’m seeing a doctor, and so on. Not like I can do much more than keep working on it.

Work work work, etc etc etc.

I’ve been feeling fairly stressed lately.

I mean, I’ve been getting everything done. That’s not the problem. But to fit in everything I have going on, my life has sort of become hyper-scheduled. I like routine, but I like my routine to have big spaces of nothing where I can just do whatever strikes me as a good idea to decompress. I’m really not getting that this semester. Most of that kind of time in my schedule is being eaten up by driving to St. Louis for my appointments and such. It’s 5-6 hours of free time I’d have every week eaten up by it. I mean, it’s not wasted time, but it is time I am losing.

I don’t know. Maybe I haven’t been sleeping right. Maybe I still haven’t gotten into the swing of things. But feeling stressed sucks. I used to run away from it and basically failed two years of college because of it, you know? I had thought I was pretty good at getting such things away from me. But as I think ahead to, say, when I’m going to get to continue working on Mass Effect 2 and beating it, it really gets to me, because I can’t think of a good time to do that. Much less run my KoL turns, be involved in the Twilight Heroes event, finish Forumwarz Episode 3… so many fun goals I want are just completely set aside. That sucks.

I’m going to survive without problem, you know? It’s not a problem. It’s not enough to break me. But it is certainly testing me, which is very unfortunate. I wish I could be having a low-stress time. But there’s so much happening in my life, it just doesn’t seem like it’s going to work out that way, at least not for this semester.
Oh well.

Well… okay… I guess I did go see a psychologist who has very much experience with gender identity issues Monday.
Yeah, I guess I am going to be seeing her weekly now.

I… yeah.

I mean, I really like this woman. She is just… very happy that I’m there. That positive energy does so, so much for me when this shit is so hard, expensive, and inevitably conflict-creating. I don’t need another thing to keep me away.
I even screwed this first meeting up: I got completely lost trying to find her office, and in the end, I wasted over half my session driving around in St. Louis. It was kind of my fault. I didn’t leave super-early, like I should have, because I was worried that I would sit in the parking lot for an hour and go insane with worry, which… was the last thing I wanted. So I didn’t, and I was late. Still, she was very understanding, and wonderful. It’s going to be a good thing.

It’s all going to be a good thing. This is the start. I… well, I sure as hell waited to the last possible minute of the year, of the decade, to start fixing this… but hey, at least I did it, right?
Right.
It’s been a long, long time coming. It’s certainly not any easier. But… yeah.

Deep breath now. Here we go.

The way I work is fucking weird, man.

I don’t know. It was but a day or two ago that I had some really great conversations, some really great time with some really great people, and I felt refreshed, not only just in general but in preparing to start on the huge, complicated quest of getting all that transitioning stuff out of the way. Man, I have great friends, great people around me, and I was just going to go do it, you know? Get it done. Make it happen.

And then, the next day, I took a huge downswing.

I can’t remember the last time I took such a horrid downswing and felt so depressed, actually. I really don’t know what is wrong with me. Am I just punishing myself for actually looking forward to the future for once? Does something inside me think that, even though it’s all completely possible, that it’s not completely possible? Or is it just nerves in thinking about it making me weaker and more vulnerable to an already existing condition?

I don’t know. But I felt pretty horrible emotionally Friday, and as I write this, it hasn’t really gone away.

I told Brer the other day that I am a stronger person than I was a year or two ago. That I can make a plan and get things done now. But maybe that’s wrong. Maybe I’m still the same stupid girl who’s hiding up with her computer all day so she doesn’t have to face the biggest change of her life. Certainly the diploma I’m about to have won’t change anything. But I thought how much better I was doing in getting said diploma was a sign that I had mostly put this shit behind me.

Bleh. Blah.

I’m going to work through all this anyway. I’m going to find phone numbers on Sunday before I let myself play what I hope is my treasure trove from raiding Best Buy, and I am going to call them Monday. I’m going to set up appointments, and I will make things happen. Somehow I will afford them. It will work.
Then why does just typing that make me have such a huge knot in my stomach?

I’m blogging from the computer lab at Grauel. Oh, how my free time has been diminished, to force me into this. So damn sad, it is. But hey, let me take this pre-class time to do a little bit of rambling, eh?

I guess I could write a list of things that my busy-ness is keeping me from. So here it is, eh?

• Playing more of either of our two Dungeons and Dragons Campaigns.
• Finishing up Dragon Quest IV before the next game I need comes out.
• Playing all my turns in KoL and Twilight Heroes on a daily basis.
• Sleeping.
• Getting anywhere in Mega Man 9.
• Blogging.
• Spending time with online friends.
• Keeping my moodiness under control.

Yeah, so that’s nice. I guess this is a complaining post, sorry about that.
I’ve just been really stressed out lately, you know? The last few nights, I get finally to the point where I can relax and I spend all of it all stressed and moody and bothering Brer about it. It’s been pretty ridiculous. But eh, let’s see, what are some positive things to counteract it…

• I’ve been getting all my work done early and turning everything in and attending every single one of my classes.
• I’ve got some really great games to enjoy when I do have free time.
• I have a wonderful boyfriend who understands and doesn’t get frustrated when I come to him moody.

Yeah, that’s all I got I guess. I mean, those are good things. But dammit, I am already tired of this semester so bad, and there are 10 weeks left to go. Bleh.

I’ll tell you what, blog. I’ll try to write some nice stuff soonish, eh? Perhaps some rambling about Mega Man 9, or at the very least stuff about the new IoTMs next week. Or this or that or something or other. Soon. Maybe.

Anyway, what else do I have to talk about… well, Jonathan continues to try to pull me into this 3.5 edition DnD campaign that someone he kinda knows but not really wants to put together. I’m very, very wary of someone who would be unwilling to try the 4th edition rules, because they’re so much fun and cut away a lot of the stupid crap, and you can still use all the lore stuff from the older editions that they cut out, if lore gives you a big hard on, you know? So I’m wary of this campaign, and keep trying to hint at Jonathan to do it without me, but he’s bound and determined, and I would MIND, perse. I’m just not excited.
He keeps asking me what class I want to be and stuff, and I’m not all that excited about it. Anyone have any really fun builds? What I want is to be something I enjoy, even if it’s completely useless. My idea is to be a werefox with a fox familiar who is a dedicated healer, but that’s not actually possible I think. I really want the familiar, though. Anyone have any ideas who knows 3.5 edition for a build?

Eh, in the end, I probably don’t really care. It’s not like I have any time to set aside for the campaign I WANT to play, much less this one I don’t.
Ha ha!
Ha.

I’m too damn busy.

Okay, so I guess this is a Moody Day post. I’m definitely drifty and moody. But hey, Jick read my question on the radio show AND implemented my simple little idea. So huzzah. Or something.

I gotta write two papers over the weekend. Wish me luck with that. I can do it, I know. It’s just hard to focus sometimes… when I’m all whatever.

Bleh, this post is stupid. Oh well, perhaps it will motivate me to write something cooler tomorrow or some shit.

So this is mostly just a moody day post, feel free to scroll down and read me rambling about my little games.
But I’m really moody today, and it’s flooding and shit, and I dunno. I’ve got to keep it together for the rest of the week, but this has been an inauspicious start. I know that once I take that first step towards keeping it together, and not give in, I’ll make it, even if I am moody. I have to do that tomorrow. Wish me luck on that, eh?
Anyway… I guess I’ll get back to the moody-ness. I’m sure I have a lot of it to get through before work.

So I think my “moody-ness,” as I call it, comes in a monthly cycle, but I have no proof. So I’ve decided to start marking my moody days with quick posts or tacked on to other posts with the tag “Moody Day.” This is mostly for my own curiosity, I suppose. Just letting you know.

Also, apparently Amphibian Sympathy is amazing? Somebody should have told me! I am so doing a Hardcore Boozetafarian Moxie-Sign Turtle Tamer run after this. (Why Boozetafarian? Because I’d like to try doing the Saint Sneaky Pete’s Day super-drunkenness adventures.)
Also amazing is this thing, which is some sort of KoL Ascension Database. You can look up any character, but that’s me, of course. The way it has a calendar tracking the whole run and what special days were in the run is incredibly awesome. Also, apparently I’m a fairly dedicated Softcore player. Like… 84% of the player base has less Softcore runs than me. Neat.
I hope my question got on the Jick Show. I suppose I’ll know tomorrow.

I should go to bed. I’m going to bed.