The Blogtastic Blogfest That Is Getmeoutofthis.net!

I have heard people, mostly Brickroad, go on and on about how awesome Pepsi Throwback is. It’s made with real sugar, and is apparently something to stockpile! However, even though I am quite the Pepsi-drinker, I’ve never really gone and gotten a Pepsi Throwback. However, during my last trip to St. Louis, I stopped to purchase a beverage on the way home, and was shocked to find a bottle of Pepsi Throwback on offer. It wasn’t any more expensive or anything, so I figured I had to jump at this opportunity.

It was alright?

Having heard so much about it, I admit I was expecting some sort of miraculous difference. However, the only real taste difference was in the aftertaste. It was different, slightly better, but not significantly so. I was kind of shocked.

Granted, I’m sure pure sugar is SLIGHTLY better for me than Corn Syrup, and it was a slight improvement. However, I’m certainly not going to go to the ridiculous lengths required to stockpile this stuff. It’s not just everywhere, you know? It does take some effort. I just can’t see that effort being worth it. Good on the people who do, though, I suppose.

I also have to wonder why Pepsi is doing this. Are they really bringing in more customers this way? Are there people who say “No way am I buying a Pepsi unless it has sugar instead of Corn Syrup!”? I guess there must be, or they wouldn’t have kept making it. Good for them, I guess, but I’ll probably stick with normal Pepsi. Neither of them are really good for me anyway. Heh.

I am super busy, as I can get. Things are happening and happening. So hey, here’s a linkdump post.

Through the Talking Time IRC and various talkings about it. I discovered this youtube channel. Retsupurae is pretty funny stuff. I mostly enjoyed the LPs of various horrible flash games that are up there. However, Val informed me, and watching them proved, that they are also well-known for doing riffs on horrible video LPs. I have been watching and doing much laughing. Plus, several of the videos have General Ironicus of Chip and Ironicus in them, so that’s an extra benefit.

And hey, making that link had me learn that there’s a new LP started up on that site, too, so I’m excited to check that out.

Here, also, is a Persona 3 comic I’ve been holding onto for awhile that I find quite funny. Captured things really well. I’m surprisingly far into P3P at this point, but I haven’t played in awhile. Hopefully I’ll keep plodding away and finishing it. I keep playing in like 2 hour chunks at random times, which is working pretty well for me.

Anyway, I hope those links give you some entertainment today. Come back tomorrow for something vaguely more interesting. Or actually probably less interesting. Who knows.

On Monday, my students came to class having read the wrong chapter. I wrote the wrong one on the board, and they did the wrong assignment. This kind of caused me to have to ad lib for the class that day. I feel like I did alright with having planned to talk about a completely different thing. It certainly wasn’t a huge deal, and we got over it. My schedule for the semester is not thrown off really badly. It’s just a thing that happens. A small oops.

However, it kind of destroyed me. It threw me into a huge depressive state, and I went home and hid, even though I still had things to do that day. I haven’t done that in a long time. It was really upsetting. I tried to explain this to Brer, but unfortunately for him he chose the wrong time to use humor to try to cheer me up, and it didn’t really get across. I couldn’t really explain why this was such a serious event. I guess I’m about to try here.

There were those two years of school where I got nothing done because I was so depressed. I stayed at home, hid, and played video games locked in my room. I didn’t get anything done, because I couldn’t muster any energy to. Then, I turned myself around, and focused. I haven’t fucked up since. I’ve kept a 4.0, kept up with my job and such with no issues. Even as I’ve gotten depressed, more depressed than I can ever remember being, I stuck with it. I didn’t make mistakes.

This was a mistake. It’s a mistake I could have made, even if I wasn’t depressed, and it isn’t a big deal. But it’s a mistake.

Work is kind of the last safe haven for me at this point. While I’m working on things. I don’t have time to be depressed. I don’t have time to worry. I have to complete the tasks at hand, and I do complete them. I do them well. No matter how shitty things got, my work wasn’t going to slip. I was still going to be a hard worker. I was still going to be someone you can depend on to get things done. These things are important to me. They help keep me going.

Writing the wrong number in class makes me feel like I am truly falling apart. It makes me feel like I am, slowly but surely, being defeated by all this bullshit, and that just makes me even more depressed. I can’t lose this fight. But I wrote the wrong number on the board! It’s the first glimpse at how I’m going to slip. Or so the evil part of my brain tells me. It’s frustrating and makes me want to cry.

I know I’m going to do just fine. As I said, I’ve already fixed the problem. Not a big deal. Nothing got thrown out of wack, and I’m still a good teacher. Plus, while I was so obscenely depressed, Jonathan, Spaeth, and Kevin came over to game and cheer me up, and that was a huge help. (It also taught me that, man, I have lost all skill I once had at Smash Bastards.) I’ve got great friends, and I’m a good worker. I’ve got this covered.

But that stupid 14 instead of an 11 was an omen. I wrote a poem about how it all comes down to 14. Fourteen times I fucked up and fourteen times I didn’t, and I’ll do it again fourteen times.
Bleh.

I guess I’ll write an update on how the whole “fighting with my parents over me transitioning” thing is going.

I feel like it’s going better. I certainly feel less like complete garbage. I’m not great, but it’s not bad. This has a lot to do with how awesome my friends are. Cole and Cara, Essner, Jonathan, Spaeth, Ecks, even the wolfie, and of course Brer… everyone has gone above and beyond the call of duty. I am so, so fucking lucky to have such good friends. I can’t express how lucky I am. They’ve helped me to survive all of this so far.

In addition, I think things are turning around with the parents. My mom said the other day that she is “trying” to be mad at me, but she can’t because I’m still her “child.” Maybe I’m reading too much into that… but “child” was a weird word to pick… and I feel like that means it was chosen on purpose. Instead of “son”. Which made me feel a lot better, certainly. She’s also just talking to me again in general, which is a good sign. She’s also at least slightly backing off on the kicking me out thing, which is also nice.

I’ve screamed at my parents, I’ve called their bluffs, I’ve done all sorts of things I really don’t want to do to make it clear this is something serious, and I suppose it is working. It’ll all work out. I wish I didn’t have to force my way through, though. I wish they could just get it. But this stuff is so hard, nobody really could immediately. I understand that. But I understand I can’t let that stop me from making my way forward. Things are going to work out.

It just takes a long time, you know? A long while.
It’s certainly a closer while than it used to be, though. I tell myself that all the time. Affirmations. Etc.
Yeah.

You know what sucks?

Getting up early sucks.

It really does! Getting up at 6:15 this week to get to school, after my whole summer, has been a huge, huge pain. Really, really frustrating. Especially on top of everything else depressing that’s going on.

But you know what? I get up so early because it helps me get things done, and I have gotten shit done. Lesson plans, grading, homework, shit gets done when I get my ass out of bed. I keep it up because of that, doing it again and again. It was really hard to get out of bed this morning, but in this time I’ve filled out paperwork, answered e-mail questions from my students, took an online quiz, and wrote this blog. It’s still two hours before I really have to be up to do anything, and I have plenty more I’m going to get done in that time.

I don’t know why mornings work so well for me, but they do. They feel like time I wouldn’t have otherwise, so it doesn’t feel like I’m burning any free time. It’s partially that, and partially the fact that, since I did this to myself, I might as well get some reward from it. I’m already out of bed. I might as well do something.

But yeah, mornings. Hi. Been awhile. Let’s work together this semester, shall we?

Okay, so. I figured out why I don’t like Flipflip.

My brother’s dog, Flapjack, is not an evil dog. He is not filled with evil feelings and such. He’s super-hyper, of course, as rat terriers tend to be, and that is kind of annoying. He also nips at me whenever I try to pet him. He also kicked me in the face and bloodied my lip. But he’s a dog, none of that is really serious.

It’s how mean he is to Molly, my Mom’s dog.

Now, I like Molly. I always say hi to her, pet her, and such. She’s pretty weird sometimes. Very picky about things. But she’s a nice dog.

Flapjack is being over here because Jonathan, Shauna, and Spantsinton are off doing their thing in Chicago. He runs around like a madman, and whenever I try to pet Molly, he will seriously climb on top of her, knock her over, and otherwise beat on her and make her growl and bite at him in anger, just to get me not to pay attention to her. This is so rude, and a complete dick move! And I do pet him, and say hi. At least, when he’s not trying to bite me. It’s not like I’m ignoring him.

That’s what makes me not like him. He’s keeping me from doing something I want to do, namely pet my dog. Everything else I can write off as being dog things. Hell, even him peeing everywhere when he’s nervous. He’s an animal, and that shit happens. But it’s just how he’s consciously keeping me from spending time with my dog. On purpose, stopping me. That’s what makes me unhappy.

But he’s still here all weekend! Oh well, my parents will take care of him. And I will do lesson plans. Joy of joys.

I’m on the verge.

It’s all coming to a head.

More overused metaphors.

I’m seriously so close. So very close.

Fuck.

The moment before is always the worst, you know? Once you get on stage, then it’s easy. Once things are out in the open, there’s no longer any problem. But until then, until you make that step… it’s painful. It’s crazy. It’s tough.

It’s very tough.

I’m going to make it through this, and I am going to be the better for it. Sometimes, I just need to tell myself that. Sometimes I need to keep myself going. Keep myself from running away. Locking myself in here, with this computer, and never coming out. But no, I don’t need to do that. I’m going to make it through this.

Fuck.

When I dream, which doesn’t happen often, it’s normally narrative.

What I mean by that is, oftentimes when I dream I understand that I am the narrator of a story, and I keep the story going in a way that makes sense for the characters, whether it be people I know, or some random shit my brain puked out. I often don’t remember all of the actual dream, or even much of it. What will happen, though, is that I will wake up, slightly, and continue the story as I have been. Without even thinking about it, my mind keeps going and narrating. Until I get fully awake, it can be hard to stop this. I get some kind of drowsy need to reach a stopping point in the story.

That’s all well and good when they’re good dreams. I could keep telling those for awhile, no problem. Lately, they haven’t been, though.

I’ve been having near-constant dreams about bad things happening to me in some regard. I lose someone. I scream at someone and get really mad. I lose something and go berserk. The other night, the dream was that I got my car stolen, right before some sort of fancy concert that Jonathan and Shauna were going to that I really wanted to attend. I was dealing with something with my parents up until the very last moment before I had to leave, and then I noticed my car wasn’t there. I had to work on getting it back, and I never got to go to the show. I was so angry.

And I woke up so angry.

Dreams are just too real sometimes… I don’t know, my mood is fragile enough these days. It annoys me that my subconscious is making me wake up feeling like shit again and again. It just makes me feel stupid and weak to be so upset by such things. Then again, I guess in a lot of ways I am. I crumble and crack and fall apart again and again. It’s silly.

I mean, I’ll survive. I have so far, somehow. I’ll make it. I guess I just wish it would be easier. And that something as simple as my dreams would co-operate with my plans.

I’ve been playing Persona 3 Portable, so I was once again struck by the most amazing of battle themes. No, not Mass Destruction. After the Battle, the fight victory music. Maybe this sounds weird, but this is by far my favorite bit of music in the game. Give it a listen while I ramble about it for a bit.

I feel like this little song is a success on so many levels. It fits perfectly with the whole music themes of the game for one. It has the sort of hip, pop-y sensibilities of the rest of the game in the guitar bits that come in after a little bit. It’s also completely functional battle victory music. But I feel like it does more than that. I feel like it reflects the themes of the game in general.

Most RPG victory tunes are extremely happy. I mean, you know, like, the classics of Final Fantasy. These songs say, “We did it, we won, everything is awesome now!” It’s a celebration of an accomplishment. Ironically, any single battle in most of those games ISN’T an accomplishment, even though it treats it like one.

Persona 3 takes a more sinister take. It’s darker. There’s a bit of that “we won” excitement, eventually, but that isn’t where it starts. It starts with a very dark little melody and goes downward. While Final Fantasy is trumpeting the victory from the heavens, Persona 3 is saying, “This is only the beginning.” The fight is over, but the battle has yet to be won. It’s pessimistic, like most of the game it’s around. Because, let’s face it, there’s always going to be another encounter. There’s always going to be another fight. The game knows it. It uses it.

I just find that refreshing, I guess. It’s different. This is the track, more than anything, that sticks out and stays with me from that game. (Well, besides Mass Destruction. Nobody can escape the BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY!)

I don’t have anything interesting to say, so you get to hear about a dream instead.

I was some sort of wizard or witch, and I was being held captive in a castle and forced to work. I couldn’t remember anything about where I came from or what I was doing there. It was some sort of memory wipe, I had decided. However, I could still remember how to use magic, and due to incredible incompetence on the part of my captors, I still had my wand. So I bided my time, working away as a slave, preparing to break free.

Eventually, I got brought before my captor, and in a daring feat of wand-play, started fucking up the joint and blasting my way out of there Harry Potter Style. I soon escaped.

And then I woke up.

Now, when I say me, I mean my character in the dream. Because my character woke up, and was looking down on a miniature DnD dungeon version of the castle. It turned out that this was some sort of MGS Virtual Reality training for magic users. This capture scenario was a common one used in training.

I thought that was cool.

Dream time then flashed forward and I was then training people using this same board, only this time I was the dungeon master, moving pieces to manipulate their training and such.

Then I actually woke up.

Yeah, so… wizard VR training via Dungeons and Dragons. Sounds like a good plan. Let’s get that implemented.