The Blogtastic Blogfest That Is Getmeoutofthis.net!

Hello there! I am typing on my brand new Lap-Top Com Pew Tor. It’s got a number pad, which I am less excited about, and all kinds of bloatware, which I am also less excited about. But it’s running along pretty well. The screen looks fantastic, though it is reflective, and this keyboard is feeling good. It has a button that turns off the touch pad, too, so that it doesn’t fuck me up while I’m typing, which is excellent if I really get into my typing, or hook up a mouse. Most important, though, Windows 7 is pretty awesome. At least thus far.

I already love some of the little things about Windows 7. The start menu is kind of the best of both worlds, being a combination of the Launcher on Mac OSX, which is kind of cool, but not for me, and the normal task bar. This works like the normal bar, but you can stick common programs to it, Launcher-style, and I am liking that so far. You can also mouse over to see the little image of the windows and pick the one you want, which is pretty cool.

I’m also really in love with the stupid little details. I love the automagically changing wallpaper. That is just such a neat little thing, and it makes me happy. It’s certainly, at the very least, going to make me search for good computer wallpaper more often. That, combined with the fact that I believe, if this was on my desktop, that I could set individual wallpapers for both my monitors on my main box, is something I can really get behind. Apparently it doesn’t take much to please me.

Anyway, I’m still in that new gadget glow. I’m enjoying it. We’ll see how I feel as I work with it over the next week or two. But yeah, I’m pretty happy with my purchase at the moment. It’s neat. Yay for lappies!

Due to pressure from the fellow TA camp, and wanting to be more connected with them (they are awesome people) I started to attempt to use my dormant Facebook account, which I mostly made just for games with Facebook connect.

It’s just mostly lead to me feeling awkward and old.

I stare at the Facebook interface, and I just don’t get what it’s supposed to be used for. It has a twitter-style news feed, certainly, so I guess I know what to put there, maybe? But there are so many other things and elements that seem to do the same thing. It’s constantly suggesting I add more friends. You have these kind of nestled comments, so you have to pay attention to posts you were probably done with days ago, perhaps. I just don’t get it. It’s not an “up to the minute” thing like Twitter, and it’s not a slightly more calculated affair like my bloeg here, or whatever. I just don’t really get what I’m supposed to use it for.
On top of all that is the IM service they have built in, but that they don’t let you access unless you are sitting on the page. I thought that hooking Facebook to Flock, here, would let me be online and chat much like I do normally with AIM and whatnot, but no. Facebook doesn’t let you in. They had instructions for getting Pidgin to hook into it, but they were wrong. You have to literally be just sitting on the Facebook page to chat, which just strikes me as completely ruining any utility it may have as a chat platform. Yet people apparently use it exclusively. I talk to people on Campus about AIM, and they stare at me like I’m crazy and talking about something from another planet.

I just don’t get the service, but on top of that comes a social awkwardness I haven’t felt online in a long time. There are no screen names. There are only real names. Maybe I am antisocial or something, I don’t know, but seeing someone’s actual name on posts and friend requests is really awkward with me. I can’t ignore or decline people with a real name. I don’t know who they are, but they have a real name. Maybe they are someone I should know, but have completely forgotten the name of. That is completely likely. Maybe it’s someone I talk to every single day. Maybe.
At the same time, could it be? Because like most online accounts, I set this up with Alexis, not what most of the people around campus know me as and call me. This makes it extra weird when people want to friend me. Do they know who I actually am? Why that’s my name? Or do they expect me to be someone completely different, and they’ll be disappointed when they learn who I actually am?

Man, I don’t know. I don’t like you, Facebook. I’m going to keep trying, but… such worry you are instilling in me. Stupid socializing with the non-internet world. Stop being so complicated.

I’ve recently had inspiration regarding the next poetry project in my head. Basically, I’ve figured out the plot.

It’s going to be tough to write.

The main character is still percolating in my head, but basically, she is going to be dealing with someone close to her transitioning. And then, because I’m fucking lame like that, I throw a few more wrenches into the works, namely “brother” and “lover.” I’ve got their relationship slowly building in my head. Key moments, and some of the key concerns that this character is going to go through. A lot more percolation, and I’ll be ready to start writing.

But goodness, the moment I realized that was what I was going to write this next book about, my stomach dropped out from under me, and I felt ill. I know you can’t see the whole thing from that bit of rambling up there, but give me a little credit: I know this is going to be something worth reading and looking at. I knew it the moment the concept hit my head. This is going to work, this is something I can write, this is something I am interested in, and this is something I have first-hand experience with. It’s doable, and it’s going to be good.
But I’m determined not to write about me, perse. I mean, I could write about my experiences. In fact, I’m sure I will write about them someday. But there’s not anywhere vaguely near enough distance yet to really do that. At the same time, I need to channel this stuff. I need to put my knowledge and understanding of such things to use. It works fairly well when I put pieces of it into short stories. I should use that here, too. I need to use parts of me. It’ll work.
Therefore, I’ve come up with this other character, and this other approach. But even just building this person (I keep calling her Jennifer in my head, so maybe that’ll be her name) makes me attempt to put myself in the other side of what’s happening, and that’s hard. It’s depressing. Though, I will admit, putting my head into the state of any character in the middle of as much turmoil as I envision for this one is going to get me like that. It’s just… really close to home.

I really know how to pick projects.

But, yes, I have a plan. I wouldn’t be surprised if I started to write poems soon for this book.

Apparently I am someone who writes books of poetry now.
Yep.

I mean, seriously.

I am just kind of going crazy with this Research class.
Yes, I’ll get everything done. Yes, I’ll survive and pass it just fine. I’m not going to let it hold me back or anything.

But DAMN. So frustrating.

The core of the frustration stems from the way the majority of the assignments are framed. I have these “research problems” with very, extremely open-ended questions that have extremely specific answers to them. I hate that. I need to find a “reputable source” for this or that, but what does that mean? I could find a reliable source for that information, but goodness, I used Google, so it doesn’t count. It just makes me want to punch something. It is a den of frustration.

Can you tell I’ve been working on this stuff all morning?
I’m frustrated.
Arg. Ugh.

It’s just frustrating because it’s been a long time since I had a class that made me mad. I’d kind of fallen in love with this class stuff. I’d really taken to it. Really clicked with academia, you know? But then this class.
Grrrr.

Okay, I’m done being angry now.
Okay, not completely, but I’m done being angry in my bloeg.

I’m pretty sure, if I write another book of poetry after this one, it’s going to be all Oasis song titles.

Why? Fuck if I know. I mean, I still have a very unclear idea why every poem in Why I Am Here, Even Today is titled after a Presidents of the United States of America song.

But yeah, that’s probably going to happen. I don’t have a good idea for a plot, perse, but I’m sure if I start writing some poems, it’ll slowly form, and then I’ll throw out all those old poems, and write new ones…
You know, maybe I shouldn’t try to mimic my process on the last one and be more efficient.

Anyway, it kind of occurred to me that I feel like Why I Am Here is pretty done in my head. I mean, it’s not. Plenty of revision and stuff to come. And the Deleter could probably use a few more poems. But it FEELS finished. So it’s probably going to be really close to finished. And so my head moves on to other potential projects that I don’t have time for.

Huzzah.

Sunday night, I got home late, and I was greeted by my dog bounding out of the parents’ bedroom, dashing down the stairs, and jumping all over me excitedly. She was so happy to see me, and we sat down and played for awhile.

And this made me very sad.

I called up Brer, and I told him his, and he was confused. “That’s a good thing.”
“I know. She’s happy to see me. She wants me here. She’ll always want me here. Maybe… others won’t.”

It’s stupid, I know. I have my parents assurance that they’ll always love me, and be there for me, and I know they weren’t lying to me. I know they’ll be there. At the same time, it’s that idea that, once things get into fuller swing, they won’t want me there… that idea is upsetting. I thought it had gone away once I told them, but it hasn’t.

I mean, I have plenty of support. I have plenty of people that love me. Hell, even Ian left me a message of support out of nowhere, which was kind of shocking, but nice. I have people behind me, and I will survive.

But it’s always been about my parents. It’s always been about worrying about my parents. That’s always been what’s holding me back. And even though I’ve taken control, and I am not going to give it up, it’s still where my problem lies. I need to start getting electrolysis and stuff, but I’m worried about freaking them out. So I stall. It’s still the same damn thing. Same worries, over and over again.

Comparing that unconditional love of a puppy to the love my parents have for me is unfair. They have their own hopes and dreams. They have things that are important to them. They’re people. They do love me, but they’re going to have reactions to this stuff. They aren’t going to be jumping up and down, happy that I’m doing this. It’s normal. It doesn’t mean they don’t love me. I understand that. Sometimes the voice in the back of my head doesn’t, I guess.

Yeah, okay, so it’s a month away. Yeah, so it’s kind of self-serving. But man, sometimes these birthday things require strategy. Especially when your family has absolutely no clue about the things you are into.

If you remember how much I hate March, the month of my birth, you’ll recall there are many key titles that I have to acquire during that month. (Okay, I don’t HAVE to, but I will.) Many of these would make wonderful birthday gifts. However, accessibility is important. For example, I would trust my parents or grandparents to be able to find Pokemon anywhere. I mean, it’s fucking Pokemon. Same with Final Fantasy XIII. But with things like Chaos Rising, it becomes a tougher sell. Are they going to be able to find such things? Should I put them through that? Probably not.

The plan I am undertaking is just keeping Chaos Rising and Strange Journey to myself. Those are going to be hard to find, and I can handle them. Plus, if I preorder Chaos Rising on Steam, I get a free copy of Saints Row 2, which I’ve been told I should play if I liked Red Faction: Guerrilla and which supposedly has co-op and is a game that Brer already owns. I’ll also score any preorder bonuses that Atlus packages with Strange Journey, which is a benefit. As much as I’m interested in XIII, it can wait, and it will be everywhere, so it won’t be an issue for anyone to pick up. Pokemon, especially, is at the bottom of the list. I love Pokemon, and I want to Pokewalk up a storm, but I don’t need that day one. This is how it works out, and it’ll work out fine.

I sort of wish I didn’t have to do these sorts of things. Being surprised is nice. But I am just so, so far away from what my parents understand in regards to these things. It’s better to be on top of it, and plan, than it is to get things I’m not really into, as that is a negative to both me and the gift-giver, you know?

Planning it does feel kind of selfish, though. Eh, whatever.

I gave my parents a book on transsexualism the other day. It sort of filled my mom’s face with a look of terror for that moment, but then things calmed down. I wanted to read the whole book, but fuck, I am so busy, I just couldn’t. I read enough for it to hit several strong emotional spikes of “oh fuck, that is exactly what I was going through then” before I decided it was a good idea. There was especially a part where someone was talking about how they built many little perfect people of the right gender to send out into the world and interact, and they did so successfully, but the real her was left behind and lonely, along with the idea that “I could be anything I wanted to be except myself.” Struck home. I remember those times. I still do that, to an extent. Much less than I used to, but, damn. If reading those things could get Mom and Dad to get that concept? Then that is just… excellent.

Anyway, I felt like it was important to give them the book for other reasons too. I feel like I need to keep driving home that this isn’t going away, that it is real, and that it’s going to continue. Not in a mean way. I don’t want to rub it in their face. But they need to realize I’m not sweeping this under the carpet. I need to have a polite hit like that every week to get them used to the idea, don’t I? Probably so.

It’s been so tempting to run up to everyone I interact with and scream “I’m a woman” nowadays. I have a set plan, and this shit is going to happen. I want to celebrate with everyone I know. But it’s not right. I have to plan when I’m going to tell them, and I have to do it the right way. So I hold back. But it’s bubbling up inside me. It’s going to come out sooner or later. It’s going to be glorious.
Just got to be smart about this. Stay calm, do things the right way. I’m grown up enough for that nowadays. I can do it.

I’ve probably put way too much brain processing power into the sex element of Mass Effect 2.

I mean it. I’ve been thinking more about the logistics of having sex with Garrus, about how that’s going to affect Shepard’s relationship with Liara, and if I can get Kelly involved in some three way action basically more than the actual plot. I mean, I guess some people are getting abducted or something? But that’s just the battlefield where love can bloom, apparently. That’s not what I’m thinking about.

This is just another reason why I should never, ever be in charge of people in tense situations. Because I would worry about these inter-personal relationships more than, perhaps, what’s going on. Okay, I suppose it depends on what the actual goal is. If it’s something stressful, which I’d want to get away from, you better believe I would focus on such things instead.

But seriously, I’m spending way more time thinking about the fact that Garrus said “if we can figure out how to make it work” and what that means for the actual sex. What kind of weird alien cock are we talking about here, where it’s some sort of issue? It’s almost a Yoda’s Penis sort of situation, although Garrus is certainly a more attractive alien than Yoda. Would clearly be better in bed, I would guess, even if you took force powers into consideration. I bet he would be a biter. See, look at me. Thinking about these things.

It really is almost two different games for me. One’s a shooter with some RPG elements which is fun, and then the other is this weird dating/life sim where I’m talking to people and learning their histories and things. It’s so disconnected. I would like each game by themselves. But I’m engrossed in both. I dunno.

Space fucking, you know?
Apparently hot.

Now returning, in what is apparently a series! (probably only a two part series) You demanded it! (you didn’t demand it) So here’s another Mike and Ike review.

Tropical Typhoon is much better than Berry Blast.

It’s a mix you might worry about, due to it’s heavy dependency on Banana flavors, seeing as two of it’s five flavors have the word Banana in their name (Strawberry-Banana and Kiwi-Banana), and you would be right to worry. Those two flavors are, by far the weakest of the set. You wouldn’t necessarily want to eat them alone, though the banana part of their flavor does fade away nicely when mixed with other flavors. I prioritized these for mixing, and it worked out okay. They just weren’t optimal.
However, the other three flavors more than make up for it. They have the robust, powerful flavor that Berry Blast completely misses, especially in the Punch and Mango flavors. You’re drawn to want to search and dig out more of those. They’re really great.

The only shame is that I rarely see Tropical Typhoon about. It’s always Berry Blast and Original Mix. It’s a shame, because I would certainly pick it up more often as a viable choice for mixing it up otherwise. I won’t waste my wish on that, though: Obviously, if I had to pick one Mix to show up all the time, it’s Lemonade Blends, all the way!

…I like candy, okay?