February 17, 2010
Filling my “rambling about my transitioning” quota for the week.
I gave my parents a book on transsexualism the other day. It sort of filled my mom’s face with a look of terror for that moment, but then things calmed down. I wanted to read the whole book, but fuck, I am so busy, I just couldn’t. I read enough for it to hit several strong emotional spikes of “oh fuck, that is exactly what I was going through then” before I decided it was a good idea. There was especially a part where someone was talking about how they built many little perfect people of the right gender to send out into the world and interact, and they did so successfully, but the real her was left behind and lonely, along with the idea that “I could be anything I wanted to be except myself.” Struck home. I remember those times. I still do that, to an extent. Much less than I used to, but, damn. If reading those things could get Mom and Dad to get that concept? Then that is just… excellent.
Anyway, I felt like it was important to give them the book for other reasons too. I feel like I need to keep driving home that this isn’t going away, that it is real, and that it’s going to continue. Not in a mean way. I don’t want to rub it in their face. But they need to realize I’m not sweeping this under the carpet. I need to have a polite hit like that every week to get them used to the idea, don’t I? Probably so.
It’s been so tempting to run up to everyone I interact with and scream “I’m a woman” nowadays. I have a set plan, and this shit is going to happen. I want to celebrate with everyone I know. But it’s not right. I have to plan when I’m going to tell them, and I have to do it the right way. So I hold back. But it’s bubbling up inside me. It’s going to come out sooner or later. It’s going to be glorious.
Just got to be smart about this. Stay calm, do things the right way. I’m grown up enough for that nowadays. I can do it.
I didn’t know that you were ever talking about this stuff on this blog. I’ve known about this blog for AAAAGES now and Justin told me what you were doing and from the very first moment I was excited for you, for what you were going to do. However I didn’t know open you are about this. I hope this comment doesn’t hardcore freak you out or anything, but I’m excited that things are starting to fall into place for you. I have at least one other friend that are working on transitioning as well, however he’s going from female to male. I’ve been keeping track of him and it’s such an interesting thing. It’s been super hard for him and in the past he’s broken down crying, but it’s so relieving and thrilling that things are going, for the most part, smoothly. I’m sure the ‘rents are having issues with this, as any normal set of parents would. I plan on coming back to this blog more often to check up and see how things are going.
-Ian
Comment by Ian — February 22, 2010 @ 2:40 am