The Blogtastic Blogfest That Is Getmeoutofthis.net!

I really need to get some shit done.

Classes start tomorrow, and I need to do some heavy duty teaching then. I still have a bunch of prep to do. I mean, I don’t doubt I’ll get it done. I’m not stupid or whatever, and while I hope I get more done than the barest of minimums, the barest of minimums, being prepared just for this week of classes, is not going to be hard to achieve, given what I’ve already gotten done. I’m not really worried about it.

But goodness, I feel lost.

I feel disconnected from what I’m doing and why I’m doing it, in a way I haven’t felt in a long time. I feel like pointlessness to my actions, where what I’m doing doesn’t matter. Is it because I’m out of plans and am just in a holding pattern waiting for Brer to get here? Is it the pills? Is it because I’ve been on forced “vacation” for so long and haven’t been doing much I would consider constructive? Disconnected from friends? Swamp gas?

I’m not sure.

It’s kind of extra demoralizing though. I dunno. I assumed most of this shit would stop when I transitioned and, for the most part, it totally, totally has. But then I have days like this, where I feel so lost, even when I’m working on projects, alone, even when I’m talking to my boyfriends and friends, and floaty, even though I’m interacting with my family in physical space for dinner, and I just worry that I’m just kind of wired naturally to feel like shit. I fixed a lot of it by giving my brain the stuff it needs, but not all of it, you know?

I really don’t think that’s accurate. Everybody has off days, sadness, and things like that in their lives. This shit happens. It shouldn’t be happening 24/7, like it was before, but it does happen. That’s life. I think all this worry is really more like… I worry that I won’t snap out of it. Now that I’ve been more happy, and more stable, I do not, in the least, want to go back to how I felt before. Feeling that way, even for an afternoon, makes me scared that tomorrow, things won’t be better. I won’t cheer up, and I’ll go back to how things were. I’ll feel like I’m unable to get out of bed, and continue living. I freak out about that happening again. And that freaking out would, in the past, cause me to get even worse, and continue to spiral downward, again and again, into that black abyss or something less cliche.

I guess that is the difference, now that I say it. I’m not getting worse. Feeling like this is not making me sing songs about killing myself, or about how much of a disappointment I am, as I go about my daily stuff. I’m not falling down where I can’t get up. I don’t feel great, but I’m not doomed. That helps.

I’ll get some sleep. That’s probably a bit part of it. We’ll see how things go, and we’ll see how much I am overthinking what will probably just end up being my normal apprehension to change, namely changing to this new teaching schedule, which I’ve felt basically every year I’ve been in school before school started. We’ll see.

RAMBLINGS!?!

I was at work, and Clint goes “Hey, I know you like hours, so here’s a shift I was about to post, would you like it before anyone else sees it?” and I said, “Yes! Thank you very much!” and took it. The next day, I get a message on my phone. “That shift you picked up yesterday was already taken by someone, so you don’t need to come in.” Which was annoying, but whatever. More free time before the semester starts is never bad. Today, I go in to work, and someone is trying to give away the EXACT SAME SHIFT I WAS TOLD I COULDN’T HAVE. So I took it. But it all feels really stupid. So I thought I’d share it.

There’s a thread on Talking Time where you’re supposed to post everything that’s changed in your life since you started posting there, so I posted that. It was a lot of shit! In any case, there was talk about relationships in there, and cool dude upupdowndown was like “Awesome things are going well, but man, you poly people need to come equipped with diagrams or flowcharts or something to keep things clear.”
So I made an Org Chart of my relationships and posted it because, you know, humor.
At the same time, after I did it, I’m like “Well, that is accurate. I hope everyone on it likes the way it is.” I think so, but, you know, I do so love to worry. WORRY.

There’s this sign at work that says “Do these two things and save 300 bucks on your health insurance premiums for the year.” And I’m like “Well, I could clearly use 300 dollars for doing basically nothing.” But one of the things I would need to do is get a health screening or something from a doctor. I don’t really have a general health doctor, much less someone that understands my situation. So now I’m convinced I should do this thing, but I’m worried about how fucking awkward that encounter will be, and if whoever does this examination is going to understand what’s up with me. That’ll be an “adventure”!

And going from mild awkwardness and annoyance to something way worse, have you seen this shit? This sort of thing is why I don’t read the news. Dammit, that pissed me off all day. This guy gets to basically publicly threaten many people’s lives for no reason, and will probably get away with it. What’s worse, he is an ELECTED OFFICIAL. This guy is helping to run our country. Why the hell are people with such hate anywhere near running anything? Why do people hate like that for absolutely no reason? It just… bleh.

I’m going to head to bed now. Not all people are awful! For example, you are pretty awesome. Just saying. Goodnight.

This is a difficult puzzle to solve. Why not see if these links help jog your memory and help you figure it out?

Too many pony videos. Or is there such a thing? I dunno. Ponies are everywhere. Sometimes even in music form. I dunno.

So much symbolism everywhere too.

This is a cute puppy. Cuteness is good, right?

Finally, this is the Skyrim mod you should be installing right now.

Did you figure it out? It’s me! I feel like shit! Hopefully things will be better tomorrow! Bye!

What am I wanting to say again? I feel like I had a bunch of little stories… Oh yeah.

HEY GUYS I ATE A SALAD. But other than that, I bought salad dressing. For a long time, I wished I could find a dressing that tasted just like the Honey French they use on the Honey Bacon Club at Quiznos. It’s the sauce, more than anything else, that makes that sammich, and I wanted to be able to apply that to sandwiches I made at home, and thus never have to walk into a Quiznos again. Previous attempts to buy such dressings tasted terrible, and I kind of stopped trying. In any case, with this whole “salad” experiment, I ended up trying again and buying the Schnucks generic store brand California French dressing. It was PERFECT. Not only did it do just fine on the salad experiment, but I placed some on a sammich and it was everything I had ever wanted. Needless to say I will be buying this dressing for a long time to come. Blogs about groceries are fun, right? Maybe?

I got a weird package in the mail, and then I opened this package and it had a booster pack of Furoticon cards in it. I had completely forgotten about this thing: they were giving away free booster packs if you signed up for their new loyalty program (which in itself is insane that they have a loyalty program) so I’m like eh, why not? It wasn’t a real booster pack, perse. It was just a bunch of spare commons and uncommons from all the sets they had lying around, I guess, so they made these little packs and put them in leftover booster wrappers to maybe drum up more business. I can’t blame them, it was a good idea. I got some cards I didn’t have, and it made me look back at the website and remember how insane it is that this game exists and consider, for a brief insane moment, ordering more cards. It also reminded me that they still owe me a ridiculous novel with my fat pack I ordered from them a long time ago. They send me e-mails every so often promising me that it’s still coming. I’m not mad if I don’t get the dumb thing? But it’s going on a year. With everything else about this outfit being so professional, it’s just kind of surprising? But eh. The game has cards like this (SFW). And that’s a very common, very useful utility card. That’s like the Rampant Growth of Furoticon. Yeah.

I was at work, wearing a pony shirt because I am a small child. I am talking with my team, and a young girl in glasses, I want to say like 4th grade but I am a terrible judge of age, comes up to me and says, “I love your shirt.”
I blink, and go, “Wow, thank you!”
She goes, “I watch that show all the time!”
And I go, “Me too! It is an awesome show.”
Then I said goodbye and went back to work. But that simple little encounter just had me grinning. I dunno what it was about it. Maybe that little girls think I’m a cool lady. Or that, yeah, this show I like is a show that its intended audience ALSO likes, which is a good thing for the longevity of said show. Or maybe it’s because I hope the idea that I’m an adult and I like the show will do a little bit to help her feel comfortable enjoying whatever the hell she wants at any age. But I think it was just because if I was her age, I would have never had the guts to go up to some random adult and tell her how cool her shirt was. She wanted me to know I was wearing cool stuff enough to push past that. That girl was awesome, and I’m glad she said that to me. No matter what silly reasoning I want to create for it, that made my day, no joke. Kids are so awesome sometimes.

Also, the employment front is looking pretty good for me right now. They went out of their way to give me a fourth class to teach this semester, which will really help my finances and also be totally awesome. It’s a bit of a commute, but they are reimbursing me for travel, so that’s nice. Seriously, Three Rivers has been pretty completely awesome so far, and although tomorrow’s trip down there might get a little weird as I have to show all my paperwork, etc, I’m sure this next semester is going to rock. On top of all that, the sole employment opportunity at the University Press has opened, and I am so, SO applying for that. I am so qualified for this position it is INSANE, and I would love every second of doing that job. I am going to get in on that. We’ll see if Susan wants me for it or not, though. Either way, my employment future is looking fine, and that’s nice to know.

Alright, well, we’ll call that a blog. Meet me back here tomorrow. There might be more blog. Okay, will be more blog, let’s not lie. There will be.

Finally, I get all done with writing all my prep for my Mafia game and now I can…
Oh.
OH.
Blog. Right.
Um…
LINKPOST!
I mean, I am on vacation, after all.

I did a lot of pony research while doing all my writing, so let me share some of that with you. Like this awesome picture. Or maybe some of the silly music that I listened to while writing? Or maybe you’d rather like just general funny videos. I mean, I dunno. I don’t know what kind of ponies you’re into. Maybe you only like ponies when they’re compared to classic RPG series? I’m not one to judge.

Here’s a nifty installation art exhibit that I approve of.

Consequences are unfortunate when someone has evidence against you.

This little girl knows what it’s all about. You rock, little girl.

Anyway, SORRY I didn’t have more for you tonight. I’m truly SORRY I couldn’t write something better.

No, seriously, I am. I’m going to sleep now. I’ll see you tomorrow.

Okay, well, maybe it’s not ACTUALLY obligatory, but that’s what you’re getting anyway! So, uh, sorry about that. LINKS GO!

I found a new tumblr to follow! It’s about ponies! Again! Please pretend to be surprised, okay? Oh, and I guess I have these pony pictures to dump on you too, while I’m at it.

There are also secret plans to be revealed.

Here’s some important data.

I hope you remembered your Wassail yesterday!

Pokemon are cool.

Oh, right, here’s an important quiz that I hope you all can manage to pass! Maybe!

Here’s a reason why I need to get around to playing Skyrim sometime.

And finally, you know… that’s a picture.

Have a Merry Boxing Day, everyone!

IT’S CHRISTMAS!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

But no, seriously, it’s Christmas.

Christmas is a time of overwhelming waves of nostalgia. I remember walking downstairs late at night during December for so many years, seeing that tree, and wanting to cry, sometimes doing just that. I was remembering happy times, times when I wasn’t depressed as fuck, times before I really understood that Santa Claus, God, or whatever the hell else wasn’t going to make me the girl I was anytime soon. Christmas was a moment of pure happiness that I could hide in. Christmas was always happy.

I get older. I work retail, and goodness, Christmas sucks during retail. I get busy, and it gets harder and harder to just relax and enjoy the holidays, and let myself be happy. There are family tensions. There are gift-giving issues. Things just pile up.

But things are still happy.

This year’s Christmas is so different than the past, but I’m still with my family. They haven’t disowned me yet. I’m still with my friends. They haven’t disowned me yet. What’s more, I don’t have to hide in nostalgia anymore. I don’t have to grip so desperately onto moments of happiness that just being reminded of them makes me cry anymore. I don’t have to.
I’m pretty damn happy.

I hope you enjoy all your gifts, and time with the family. I hope that you have a spectacular and relaxing day off. But I hope most of all that your wonder, joy, and happiness aren’t trapped to just one togetherness-filled day of the year. I hope that this day is just one of many awesome things in your life, that continue getting more amazing. I hope that you’re happy.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

It’s Christmas Eve, but I guess Christmas already happened for me? It happened Thursday. And I guess it’s going to happen again next Thursday? I dunno. Because of Jonathan and Shauna leaving town things have gotten different this year.

I mean, it was just on a different day. It wasn’t that different otherwise. My mother wanted to take a million pictures, but was also not very good at taking pictures and was never happy with them and wanted them posed but also spontaneous, so I tried to take over as usual to get her something she’d like. There were lots of dogs running around. We had a nice dinner and opened presents in the traditional manner. You know. Christmas stuff.

I was worried the whole me being me thing was going to be a big deal. It didn’t go as well as I had planned, but I could at least tell my mother tried, which at least seemed an apology for the many times she called me by my old name during the same celebration. I mean, she had Alexis written on all the gifts and everything, which is a decision I’m sure she had a hard time coming to, knowing her. She also bought me a very nice pair of female PJs, which is awesome, as I have seen the light on PJs recently and I will wear the crap out of them.

All the gift giving went well, I think. I seemed to give good stuff, which is, well, good. I always worry. I also got plenty of nice stuff. New Kirby and New Layton and New Dominion Expansion… Well, and a Boxee Box, but I already discussed how well that went and I will be dealing with that soon.

What really made me laugh and smile, though, was the other gift Jonathan and Shauna gave me. They got me this sweet My Little Pony throw. When I opened that I just laughed out loud. How silly and how perfect! Jonathan was like “That’s your favorite one on there, right?” and I’m like “Yeah, that’s Twilight Sparkle on there.” It only occurred to me later how much that question meant, really. I later tried to think of when I’d actually had a conversation about that with my brother. I had made off-hand references to stuff like John DeLancie being in the show and whatnot because I thought he’d find them vaguely interesting, but we never really talked about it seriously. However, I remember when we were shopping for my mother’s birthday present, way back in October, I saw the My Little Pony in Canterlot display in his store and mentioned something about seeing a similar display up in St. Louis. There was this frightening-looking Twilight Sparkle plushie, and I commented, more to myself than anything, that if that wasn’t so terrifying, I’d buy it, because she’s my favorite. I cannot remember talking about liking Twilight Sparkle around him any other time. Somehow he remembered that this long. That’s a brother who cares about his sister enough to know about her incredibly pointlessly obsessions that are probably just an attempt to have all the girly things she couldn’t have in her youth. Heh, I dunno. Recalling that just made it mean all the more to me.

Anyway, I guess that was Christmas! Of course, actual Christmas will be tomorrow, but I’m probably just going to go over to the parents’ and have dinner and go watch Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows with them. Not that that will be bad. But it’ll be different. Difference! Lots of difference in this year.

The latest pony episode, Hearth’s Warming Eve, really just brings up more questions than it answers about society in Equestria. Sure, we learn some things. Equestria being an actual country, as opposed to a planet or plane of existence for instance. There’s also some silly, obviously incorrect bits in there, like Equestria’s original flag having Celestia and Luna on it before they existed, but I can give that one to the nature of the play being put on with little trouble. What really makes me interested, though, is that this episode takes my general idea about the caste system inherent in Equestrian society that I formed back when I was first watching season one and makes it canon.

The episode basically clearly states that, in the past, this caste system was in place: earth ponies were farmers and laborers, pegasi were warriors and controlled the weather, and unicorns were aristocrats and sorcerers. This… hasn’t changed much, even though the play that was put on would like to suggest it is. Pegasi are still in control of the weather and are the soldiers, I’ve never seen anything but earth ponies working on farms and such, and unicorns are mostly still the representation of high society and the elite. There is some level of social mobility, of course. Example off the top of my head is Photo Finish, representing high society and being an earth pony. But because you can’t practice magic without being a unicorn, and non-Pegasi can’t even get to and stand on Cloudsdale to help with the weather stuff, it just doesn’t allow for as much movement as one would want, realistically. You are severely hindered by your birth, and the talents granted by it, and that’s that.

In any case, even though these systems are still basically in place from back then, it caused a civil war, basically, back in the day, which the play depicts. While we learn that it is friendship that keeps a society together, it’s really unclear how Equestria was rebuilt so that the same ire wasn’t simply recreated in everypony. Clearly the founding of Equestria brought with it a proper economy, as ponies do have money, called bits. This would certainly alleviate some of the issues involved with demanding food from earth ponies that the play depicts, but does it really completely diffuse the situation? I’m not really sure.

One thing I am sure of is that Hearth’s Warming Eve is a propaganda holiday that works to make sure that everyone THINKS these sorts of pressures have been resolved, even if they haven’t. It’s an interesting comparison to Christmas, as they’re clearly meant to be compared, since both holidays use similar decoration and the like. Our Christmas tends to use a holiday that’s supposedly based in togetherness and generosity (outside of the obvious potential religious angle, which I’m not counting here) to power consumerism. It’s exploiting those nice feelings for greed’s sake, which is certainly something I think our society understands, even if we think it’s shitty to do. We can recognize it happening. Their Hearth’s Warming Eve is using a holiday based in togetherness to power some sort of political agenda. It comes off as a bit more sinister, I guess, which is something that kind of struck me throughout the episode. It seemed a little off for this world for this play to be done basically every year, everywhere in Equestria, that everyone went to see. To keep these ideas so firmly in the mind just seems… it’s strange. Because while it’s a reminder that we should be friends, it’s also a huge, huge reminder of the big gaps and issues plaguing their society. I don’t know why a different heart-warming story wouldn’t be told unless that was all part of the message. Songs are sung about how friendship keeps everyone together. Everyone learns the lesson they are required to learn, and nopony seems to question that this is something being fed to them for some reason, although what reason is unclear.

Or maybe I just think about a children’s television show too much.

I am completely failing to write anything coherent right now, so, you know… I’m just going to throw up some links and call it a day. Sorry! Blame spending all day writing on Christmas-related creative projects. Or just me, for being lazy. Either way.

This is the first part of a Let’s Play you should most definitely watch if you’ve ever enjoyed Link’s Awakening.

This is a thread you absolutely must read about dating pigeons.

And this is a trailer for a game I am really looking forward to playing.

I also have some images for you. For example, this is an animated gif. So is this. This is not animated, and not a gif, but is still an image. This will also count as an image, as I’m sure you’re aware.

And now, the bedding begins. The dog has been wanting me to go lay down for awhile anyway. Guess I should get to that. Later, blog.