The Blogtastic Blogfest That Is Getmeoutofthis.net!

I wonder about the fact that I am constantly finding myself thinking about the nature of happiness. I feel this urge to define it, so I know what I’m trying for, and what I’m working at to get. I want it to be something with rules, something that, if I just do the right things, I can pick it up and have it. I can just take it, and then things will be fine. I’ll transition, or move out, or have my boyfriend around, and then it’ll be okay. Things will be okay.

I don’t know if that’s true. I’m sure those are the right decisions, but I don’t know if it just happens that way.

In any case, sitting in the office today, I fell asleep trying to get my work done, and in thinking about the fact that this happened, I came up with a new potential definition of happiness that I want to run past you.

Happiness is not being so physically and mentally tired that you fall asleep any time you stop for a moment.

When I write it and look at it, it seems so stupid. So simple. It also seems to not be what happiness is. Happiness is bigger, isn’t it? Happiness is something that makes you feel good, not stable. It makes you feel like everything is alright, yes, everything’s fine, and so on. It makes you smile. Right? Something like that?

That seems so impossible in so many ways. I just want to get to the point where my very body isn’t trying to escape what I’m doing, black out and leave, much less me in general. I want to feel in control. I want to keep it together. That’s what I want.
Maybe that’s happiness for now. Maybe. Maybe I don’t know what it is, and maybe I never have and never will. I can never be sure. It always seems unreal, when I try to pull up in my head times when I was happy.

Maybe that’s just me feeling bad talking. I don’t know.

I wish I had other things on my mind than this stupid bullshit.

Have a nice day. Be happy.

What is it about this image that is so hilarious? Is it the mystery of why the bird is so scandalized by the camera, or, say, the viewer? Is it the perfect pan, or the perfect expression on the bird’s face? Is it the amazing entertainment that an animated image normally brings to the viewer?

I don’t know, but I keep laughing at it.

Seriously, it’s been open in its own window for like a week. I wish I could remember who on twitter linked it so I could give them credit here. Every time I look at it I laugh or smile.

It makes me wonder about myself. Is my life really so shitty that something so stupid and silly can invoke such a response? Like, perhaps, that this is the one nice thing going on right now? Or is that overthinking something as simple and universal as taking pleasure in the little things, like funny animal pictures. Or, I dunno, extremely phallic pictures. In the end, isn’t taking pleasure in small things a-okay?

Probably.
That’s certainly my stance going forward.

Every year, around this time, something happens. I have to start shopping for people, and buying them things. It’s crazy, I know, but it’s true. When I do that, I like to sometimes take a look at how I’m doing on that quest, just to make sure I’m on track. What’s there left to buy and how am I doing making sure it all gets bought? Well, let’s see.

Mom: No Check
Dad: No Check
Jonathan: Check
Shauna: Check
Brer: Check (Agreed not to get each other anything for more spending money during his visit)
Grandma: No Check
Grandpa: No Check
Festivus Victim: Half-Check (Physical Gifts Purchase, Project Incomplete)
Friend Gift Exchange: ??? (Unsure if we’re doing it)

Yeah, I’m already off to a good start after Black Friday weekend. Of course, most of the stuff I bought wasn’t via Black Friday-ness, but, you know. Power of the Internet! Heh. I’m kind of using a “don’t overthink it” gifting strategy this year. Having an idea, getting it, and going, you know? I suppose I also need to get Jonathan and Shauna a wedding present, but that’ll happen before the wedding sometime this week. I should also probably make a Christmas list for my mother at some point. Hmm.

Anyway, happy consumer madness to you all! I’ll be back tomorrow with something stupid, I’m sure.

I am fucking exhausted.

Like, I have no energy today. Most of the time, when I’m tired, I can still function, you know? I’ve been completely useless.

I guess the logic is that I had a lot wrapped up in getting that Bachelor party done, and now that it’s over with, and the crunch “have to do things” time is over, my body is just kind of shutting down. That’s fair enough, I suppose. Still, what’s up with those whole having a corporeal form that I have to take care of bullshit? So bullshit. When do I get to be a being that exists purely on the internet? When’s that happening? Come on, science. Pick up the fucking pace, here.

Anyway, expect, say, horrible reviews of Harry Potter and the Hallow Death The First, and Nimble Strong, and shit like that this week as we lead up to the giving of Thanks. For now, don’t look at me, look to Kris Straub. He’s a funny dude, and I recently learned that he is youtube celeb. His Youtube status is kind of old, but still really hilarious if you’re the sort who enjoys, say, his work on Tweet Me Harder. I mean, look. Here he is being a hard-boiled cop on the streets! And here he is dispensing valuable job-seeking advice. How could you not enjoy this?

Anyway, I’m going back to bed. Maybe after sleeping okay, I’ll be feeling better for the additional dentistry I’ll be dealing with tomorrow. ONE NEVER KNOWS.

Upon attempting to do my reading for one of my classes and do the homework assignment, I instead ended up writing a short description about how some theorists tended to explain my personal concepts of interpersonal relations without resorting to metaphors of D/s sex and BDSM situations, which is what I always tend to fall to. As such, I thought I’d put it here, since it honestly seemed more appropriate for a blog than for an assignment. (I’m totally turning it in as the assignment, though.)

Foucault is a cool dude who not afraid of anyone. He’s got some great ideas that really tie into my personal philosophy. Combining some of these thoughts with those of Lyotard from earlier really kind of encapsulates my own personal theories of interpersonal interaction, which I will share with you now because I’m the one behind the keyboard and I can.

Foucault talks about the idea of power being the key element of interaction between people. This is so completely true, from my experience. It’s the interaction between power levels, whether that be power based in knowledge, experience, position, or any other such form, which really sets the stage and the rules for interaction between people. It creates the notion of what is acceptable and what isn’t. For example, the power that exists between me as employee and someone as my supervisor sets serious guidelines on the ways that I can interact in an attempt to achieve my goals. Simple, obvious situation. But even between friends, family, and other such interactions that are less clear-cut, this power struggle exists and defines the rules. Again, I go back to my constant D/s metaphor. All relationships, in my view, are in some way D/s relationships, and in order to succeed in said relationship, you have to determine, through playing the game, who is the dominant one and who is the submissive one.

Even in establishing power, you are working at playing Lyotard’s language games. Your interactions are used to feel out and determine the rules, or the power structure of the relationship, so that you can move forward with your goals while working within that power structure, or, in extreme cases, attempt to completely throw it out. Language games, and interpersonal interactions, are never games of complete information, such as chess. They are always games of incomplete information, where one perhaps has a good idea of what could be in someone’s hand, and perhaps even has a good working knowledge of how they play the game, but in the end, the specifics of their options and goals are unknown. You work with the hints you have to establish their strategy as best as possible, and adapt yours accordingly. Your methods of doing this, of course, change based on your status in the D/s power structure. The D member of the interaction could much more easily simply ask or demand this information. The s member of the interaction might have to use different methods, manipulating the fact that the source of the D interactant’s power comes from the s member of the conversation in order to get what they want without the D member knowing.

Most of the time, this isn’t obvious. As I mentioned, the level of power difference between two people is not always as clear cut as talking to a boss, a mother, or a child. It’s also something that most people use and manipulate without a distinct knowledge of the game being played. However, it’s also something where knowing the rules, or even the fact that there are rules, is something you can use to your advantage. As a verified “rules laywer” in the various games I play, it’s extremely clear to me that that’s the case. Lyotard breaking it down into the fact that it is a game, and Foucault pointing out the ruleset of that game, well, that’s just a very nice added benefit, and hey, it doesn’t even have to use sexual subcultures to explain it, as I always tend to for whatever reason.

Yeah, this is the kind of bullshit I do when I’m getting edumacated.

The future, right? That’s certainly a thing.

There was a time in my life where I never felt like I had one of those. Nothing in my life was going right, and there felt like there was very little I could do about it. Every day was simply another day. I’d think about what I needed to do that day, and do it. Sometimes not do it. It was pretty bleak I guess. I didn’t feel like myself, and nothing I did felt significant.

Then, for awhile, progress was made. I started accomplishing stuff useful in moving forward in my life. It was crazy. I started thinking about jobs, lives, futures. It was scary as fuck, sure. But finally I felt like I had some control over who I was and what I was doing. It was lovely.

Recently, I’ve lost that again. I’m doing things that are important. I’m preparing for the party this weekend. I’m continuing to kick butt at my continuing education. There are things going on that I feel are very important, but my actions feel completely disconnected with the bigger picture. I feel like I don’t have a grasp on that bigger picture, and all these other things aren’t helping me find it.

I feel like this keeps happening to me. I make some progress, and that feels great. But I don’t finish becoming myself. Things aren’t done. But I become unable to take direct action. The vision of the future fades. I’m left with nothing. I’m left in depression.

That’s really fucking frustrating.

I’m not out of the woods. I’m going to keep going. But it’s annoying it’s so hard. It’s annoying I can never seem to accept the things I have done as significant. How many times have I written this blog post? How often do I feel like this? It’s so stupid.

I tell Brer, and I tell my little blog, but I’m such a broken record that that doesn’t do as much as it should anymore. I debate doing things like talking to Mom, or other friends, but I get scared. I don’t want to burden people with this stuff. My mom would focus on less what I wanted to talk about and more her reaction to who I am, which is understandable but unhelpful. I don’t feel like the dynamic between my friends and I leaves me open to just throw out topics like that, even though I know they’d listen and support me. I always feel like I’d be ruining a good time. I tell my psychologist, but sometimes I feel like I’m preparing so much for our talks that some of these feeling stuff gets missed, because it gets to the point almost where I’m giving a speech because I don’t want to forget to mention “relevant” information.

As always, the solution is to just keep going. I always keep going, and I never stop. It’s hard not to wish to stop sometimes, though. Just as a fucking change of pace. Then at least it would feel like I did something. Something happened. “I ruined my education, lost my job, or worse, but hey, that’s something!”
That’s horrible depressing talk I shouldn’t engage in, though. I should just keep going. Always.

That’s right! I’m phoning it in! Since, uh, it’s almost today as I write this, and I was already in bed, about to go to sleep, when I remembered I hadn’t written anything.

So!

Uh.

Here’s some entertaining things to watch.

I’ve been watching this New Super Mario Brothers Wii LP for awhile now. It’s entertaining, if mostly just chaos. Just like the game is with that many players! It’s kind of fun to get a little of the feeling that many players would give you without actually getting that many people over. I don’t think I could get a group that would be, you know, committed to playing through it like these guys. We’d have fun for awhile, but that would be it. They were dedicated! Check it out.

Also, Phen linked me to this MST3K short I hadn’t seen before. It’s got a humor. Watch that too.

I’ll write something tommorow! Promise! Hopefully.
(Whew. Crisis averted. Shitty content made. Back to bed.)

Here’s an interesting side effect of me trying to take care of myself. At least, it’s interesting to me, and it’s my blog, so shut up, I’m writing about it, nyah.

Basically, in an attempt to take care of myself. I’ve been going to bed early. Now, this doesn’t mean particularly early for a lot of people. I’m going to be around 11 or whatever. However, it’s a huge bunch of early for me, who normally gets to bed at 1 or 2. This creates an interesting dynamic with my internal clock. It tends to wake me up early, because it knows how much sleep I tend to get. Therefore, I’m getting to bed earlier, but I’m waking up earlier, too. Since I normally wake up at 6ish, that’s getting pretty early. For example, today I woke up at 4 AM.

This is good and bad. For one, I’m still getting more sleep this way than I was before. It still might not be 8 hours, but when I wake up at 4, I do at least have the option of staying in bed for awhile, unlike when I stay up late, and I have to get up and go teach. Overall I’m more rested. At the same time, it still feels like I’m losing time. I mean, I’ve been grading for hours today already. I got extra time. It was working out. But it doesn’t feel that way. I’m so used to staying up late, it feels like I’m wasting my time sleeping when I don’t stay up. It’s not a fact. It’s a mental issue. But it’s still something I have to be concerned with.

Basically, I could have slept in today, but I found myself worrying about stuff I had to do when I woke up. I could have stayed in bed, but I wouldn’t have gotten to sleep due to worry. Now, I’ve knocked out the problem. I got my grading done, and I’m ready to face the day. That’s nice.

Or something like nice.

I guess my internal clock will just have to deal. Then again, in a few weeks, this semester will be over, and next semester will be much more sleep-friendly. Maybe I just have to deal a little longer. I dunno.

Sometimes I forget why I play games, I guess. I do it because it’s what I do. I mean, I enjoy myself, but often it’s not so much a thrill as a way to pass the time. I don’t always realize it, of course. It takes those rare moments to smack me out of it. Whether it be a game that’s so frustrating, I question why I’m using my leisure time on it, or a game so fantastic, it pulls me out enough to make me go “wait a second, this is so much damn fun!”

I don’t know. I got DJ Hero 2 in from Gamefly, and immediately after putting the disc in, I was thrilled. It drew me in. It made me feel excited and energized. After playing for hours and stopping, I stepped back and went, “Holy shit, I was having fun.”

I remember other moments like that in life, where I’ve looked at myself and realized, “Oh, this is happy, I guess. Crazy.” Like, say, the first time I saw They Might Be Giants in concert. I was completely lost in it. Completely happy, and it was extended over a long period of time. At times, the nostalgic feelings that creep up on me when I view a Christmas tree does the same thing. I feel fantastic. I feel loved. It’s great.

There are times I wonder if the fact that I feel this way indicates how horrible I feel most of the time. “Does everyone normally feel like this on a good day?” I wonder. I’m pretty sure that’s not the case. I’ve got lots of good in my life. It’s pretty solid. No, it’s just a heightened sense. A sense of getting away from everything, and of being completely free. It’s great when a good game experience can give you that rare moment.

Needless to say, I paid to keep DJ Hero 2. I’m really loving it. I’ll write more about it later. But it just reminded me how rare that feeling is. I guess I’m lucky the game gives it to me, at least for a little while.

I hesitate to ramble about the “kids these days.” I find some people doing that, in reference to their classes, and I just find that kind of… wrong. I dunno, I was a Freshman. I did stupid-ass shit like this when I was in school. That’s why it took so long for me to graduate. I get it. It’s no less annoying to see happen, but I get it. My students are adults, and they can make their own decisions.

That said, seriously, kids these days.

The current assignment we’ve been doing all week involves two things, giving an in-class presentation of 5 to 7 minutes and turning in an MLA works cited list. I’m not grading this hard. If your presentation is long enough, you’re probably pretty good on the content. That’s half the grade. The other half is having the works cited in proper MLA format, since that’s what we were studying. Simply follow the MLA guidelines, and you’re golden.

My students aren’t doing either.

I’ve had presentations that were a minute or less. I’ve gotten tons of Works Cited lists that are wrong even at a glance, much less when I zoom in to the specifics when I actually grade them. It’s ridiculous. There are going to be so many shitty grades on this, and they’re going to be upset about it.
The worst part is that I warned them. I begged them in class, please take this seriously. The assignment was designed to be easy points to make up for harder essays. It’s supposed to be a help. But every time I assign it, I get this sort of stuff. It becomes a lesson about following the rules, which is useful, I suppose, but not my intention. I don’t want to have to give tough love in the classroom, but I guess that’s how it is.

So much of school is simple. You follow guidelines, you get a decent grade. Maybe not a great grade, without knowledge of what’s going on, but a good grade, at the very least. You just follow the rules. Students, please follow the rules. Then you’ll get a good grade. Please follow the rules.