November 30, 2010

The Concept of Happiness

I wonder about the fact that I am constantly finding myself thinking about the nature of happiness. I feel this urge to define it, so I know what I’m trying for, and what I’m working at to get. I want it to be something with rules, something that, if I just do the right things, I can pick it up and have it. I can just take it, and then things will be fine. I’ll transition, or move out, or have my boyfriend around, and then it’ll be okay. Things will be okay.

I don’t know if that’s true. I’m sure those are the right decisions, but I don’t know if it just happens that way.

In any case, sitting in the office today, I fell asleep trying to get my work done, and in thinking about the fact that this happened, I came up with a new potential definition of happiness that I want to run past you.

Happiness is not being so physically and mentally tired that you fall asleep any time you stop for a moment.

When I write it and look at it, it seems so stupid. So simple. It also seems to not be what happiness is. Happiness is bigger, isn’t it? Happiness is something that makes you feel good, not stable. It makes you feel like everything is alright, yes, everything’s fine, and so on. It makes you smile. Right? Something like that?

That seems so impossible in so many ways. I just want to get to the point where my very body isn’t trying to escape what I’m doing, black out and leave, much less me in general. I want to feel in control. I want to keep it together. That’s what I want.
Maybe that’s happiness for now. Maybe. Maybe I don’t know what it is, and maybe I never have and never will. I can never be sure. It always seems unreal, when I try to pull up in my head times when I was happy.

Maybe that’s just me feeling bad talking. I don’t know.

I wish I had other things on my mind than this stupid bullshit.

Have a nice day. Be happy.

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