The Blogtastic Blogfest That Is Getmeoutofthis.net!

Cara asked me, due to a casual mention in a video I was showing her, “What’s a furry?”

I didn’t really have a good answer.

I mean, I don’t know, I asked Brer and he’s like, “Eh, I just like the art and porn and such,” and that’s a perfectly fine explanation. But that doesn’t really do it for me. That doesn’t sum up what it is. At the same time, it’s not like I’m an otherkin or anything. It’s not a completely spiritual sort of thing that I find in being a furry either. It’s kind of something in the middle.

Basically, I’ve spent years not looking in the mirror and attempting to come to terms with who I am versus “who I am.” The whole time I’ve been doing this, though, I’ve been a furry, and I’ve been online doing these things. When I was online, when I was “poetfox,” I was me. No holdups, no anything. I could just be myself. As such, I find myself thinking of myself in those terms often. I read a story once about how your soul associates and resonates with a “true name,” the name you answer to the most, and that it doesn’t have to be your given name. I think my soul would probably resonate with poetfox more than any other name. I really do.

So that’s part of what furry is to me. It’s putting up a level of abstraction to remove inhibitions and let you be yourself, no matter how weird that person is. The other part is a culture of acceptance. Furries have their inter-group arguments, just like any group, but on a whole, the furry fandom is obscenely inclusive. You can say you’re into really weird shit, and people won’t bat an eye, probably because they’re into weirder shit, and that’s wonderful. Whatever you want is there, and some assholes may judge you, but fuck those guys, you’re cool. You could, say, enjoy playing a CCG about controlling a harem fucking each other. Hell, you could MAKE such a game and succeed enough to make an expansion. And it’s cool. It’s all cool. It’s crazy, it’s awesome. It’s cool.

It’s that culture, real or imagined on my part, and that connection that makes me a furry, unashamedly. Granted, I’m not going to force it on you or rub it in your face, but it’s something I am. It’s part of the description of me. I guess that’s what it is to me. Like any mostly undefined group of people, though, I’m sure it means any number of other things to other people. But that’s what I wanted to attempt to explain to Cara.

And I didn’t, of course. I ended up pointing to my current background and saying, “Oh, that’s a furry.” Which, you know, isn’t completely off, I guess.

It’s just… complicated! Apparently.

Some days I just don’t know what to write.

This is one of those days.

I mean, I have things to write. I watched The Road, so I could write my impressions of that, and I have IoTMs to review and all kinds of stuff I could be writing about. But I’ve been staring at the post screen for awhile now, and I can’t write about those things right now. I’m just kind of held back. So I’m writing this instead.

There are so many things I could be doing. Games I could be playing through. Let’s Plays I could be doing (Unless my mood changes a lot soon, I just don’t see it happening, which frustrates me. I hate that… but I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried and tried to force myself to do it, but I’m in such a horrible mood, and it’s not really a priority… bleh). So much I could be working on, but I’m not.

I am so tired of being depressed.

I’ve been in an awful mood for weeks now, and it’s, frankly, getting to be really fucking annoying. Mostly because I haven’t been able to hide it well. I’ve been doing things like writing “Symptoms of Depression” on my list of things I brought into work in the thief book, and not being able to answer people when they ask me how I am. I hate bothering people with my shit. If I could, I’d just handle everything without involving them at all.

But they are involved with my life, completely involved. That’s both a blessing and a curse. I’m glad people are worrying about me, but I also wish I was in a state where they wouldn’t have to. I want to be a positive force, not a stupid bitch.

So… yeah… I don’t think I have it in me to write a good post today (Not that I ever do that, really). This is the only time I have left to write this, so I felt I had to write something, but this is… not what I wanted to write. I wanted to write happy things.

I want to be happy.

I’m working on it, I suppose.

Come back tomorrow, I’ll try to have something better.

I bought a dog toy because I had to save it.

This was, of course, while I was out running around with Cara. We were in Best Buy, and I turn and I catch sight of a fox tail out of the corner of my eye, so I have to go see what it is. It turns out it’s a dog toy that is basically a plushie, only without stuffing, so the dog can really rip it up and not make a mess. The pictures on the packaging showed many dogs holding this poor fox in their mouths and looking so happy, while the fox looked so sad, defeated, and resigned to fate.

I couldn’t let him sit there and go through that. I had picked one up to look at him, and I seriously couldn’t put him back. Cara probably thought I was weird. I got in the way of a woman carrying a large box. It was kind of silly.

Honestly, I feel kind of silly. This really would make a great dog toy. I bet Molly would love something like this. But she’s not going to get this one. I’m going to keep him safe. She’s not going to touch him. He’s mine.

Brer mentioned that I’ve been worked up, which I have, and the fact that it’s a fox probably triggered something for me, which it did. Maybe I feel like I’m in the jaws of a happy, nice, but destructive animal, and I’ve given up. Maybe I wish someone would draw me out of this stuff, and keep me safe. I don’t know.

I don’t know.

I am annoyed, and I wrote a rant. You can skip it, and that may be for the best, but it’s written, so it’s getting posted. Come back tomorrow for something less stupid. For now, here we go.

I love the internet. I would have it’s babies, even though they would be the most frightening monsters you ever saw. While internet is just wonderful, though, it is also an incredibly caustic place. I’m okay with that. It’s just part of what comes with the freedom the internet provides. You just don’t take it personally, and move on. You take the high ground, and you make yourself better without being a dick about it, and then people take you seriously. That’s how things work.

At the same time, we all have our sanctuaries. We all have places we go where we want to relax, and be ourselves without having to do that. Where we want to let our defenses down and let our freak out. Most of the time, those sorts of places are extremely clearly marked. If you go to fchan, it is your own damn fault if you’re shocked that there is tons of weird furry porn there. I mean, seriously. If you go in there, and post that furries are stupid, then hell, people are going to complain at you. That doesn’t make them bad people. I complain when someone attempts to reorganize my room, because I want it to be my way. It’s natural to defend your spot. Furries are going to complain when you come on their turf and insult them. Anyone would do the same.

However, people on the internet have this concept of “fursecution” in their heads. This is the idea that furries are a bunch of whining bitches that go, “You have to accept me and my weird fetishes!” This means that this natural defense is somehow something that, if a furry does it, just goes to show how immature and retarded they are, instead of being something that anyone would do. Which they would.

I mean, fuck. Furries are weird as shit, and some are weirder than others. But that is perfectly fine. Everyone has their stupid bullshit. Some is crazier, certainly, but everyone has something like that, and it’s really not a problem. It is a problem when you let that get out and force it in people’s faces. That’s a problem. Then, after doing that, when you complain, that’s a problem. Those people piss me off too. But they’ve created this image that makes me have to double-think my own reactions, and that is making me mad right now.

Basically, I started writing this because I was reading stuff over at the Bad Webcomics Wiki. A lot of the articles will get the “yes, this is a furry comic” thing out of the way, just to get it out of the way, and then actually talk about what the problems are with certain comics. (And yes, many furry comics have serious problems, writing and artwise, that aren’t furry-related, and are very fair to bring up.) I ran across one, though, that was all like “Man, this guy has so much talent, why does he have to waste it drawing furry garbage?” I got mad. The comic in question had problems, completely, mostly in characterization and sometimes getting lost in fanservice, but it’s not like the fact that it was furry was harming that in any way.
But then I found myself trying to squash my annoyance. Because I don’t want to be described like that. I’m not one of those fursecution types, right?

And then I realized. FUCK THAT.

Seriously, oftentimes with this stuff, “furry” is part of the initial construction of what such a thing is. It’s claimed as such. It’s “furry” space. If you don’t like that general conceit, then fine. It is often stupid and just there because the artist is furry or whatever, sure. But it’s just part of what’s being done. The art can be bad, the plot can be bad, the characters can be bad, and you are free to point out all those things, but if you don’t like the fact that it’s furry, just don’t read it. If I wrote a fanfic about Code: Lyoko (Why did I pick that for this example?) and you hate Code: Lyoko, it’s not constructive, useful, or a good use of anyone’s time to point out how horrible it is because it’s about the horrible show Code: Lyoko. If I’m not being true to the horrible characters, fine, tell me that. If my word choice is awful, awesome, let me have it. But critique should be focusing on “is this a good Code: Lyoko fanfic” and not “this is awful because it isn’t what I want it to be.”
That’s not to say one can’t say “Man, I wish he would do something not tied to this property” or “Goodness, she could draw much better art if she’d focus on something else.” That is also fine. You can say all kinds of things. You can hate. But it’s stupid to hate on something because “it’s furry and they’re stupid lol,” just like it’s stupid to hate based on anything so vague and unsupported. It’s okay to get angry about such a claim, especially on your turf. It really is.

And yet, for some reason I felt so much like I had to prove myself to internet assholes that I tried to squelch that annoyance. They made me believe that I couldn’t be mad. That I didn’t have the right to be mad. They made me believe that they should control my emotions, and that’s bullshit. Granted, I shouldn’t do something stupid with those emotions, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have the right to feel frustrated. Not at all. I can feel frustrated just fine without being an ass.

So there. I said it. Sometimes I get frustrated for people writing off things because a furry was involved. I get frustrated because some of my best friends are furries, and they are completely functional, completely awesome people whom I love very much. It’s okay for me to be mad because of this. I can be mad, and it’s not wrong. I can be frustrated, and not be a fursecution asshole.

And now I’ve ranted, now I’ve been frustrated, and now I feel better. I said it on my turf, and it’s not in anyone’s face who doesn’t want to check it out. I’m not a dick. I just have perfectly normal emotional responses to things. Nothing wrong with that.

I drink a MTN DEW from time to time, but not really all that often. However, the majority of people at work are hardcore Dew drinkers, and enjoy slamming them back on a regular basis. Therefore, seeing as MTN DEW is currently running a new DEWmocracy promotion, where they put out a bunch of new flavors and have people vote on what they want, I have been hearing about it non-stop since it started.

Driving home from St. Louis, as I am often to do, I stopped into a gas station to get a beverage, and noticed that they had a “buy 2, get 1 free” deal on Dew, with all three of the new flavors there. I felt I had to break down and buy one of each, just to give it a try.

Basically, Democracy sucks.

If you look at the site, the overwhelmingly clear winner is White Out, which is honestly the lamest of the bunch. White Out tastes like a watered-down Mello Yello. Couldn’t all these people who are voting for White Out just buy Mello Yello? Why not vote for a unique flavor? Something different? Typhoon is in a close second, but it’s still losing. It’s a fruit punch kind of drink, so it’s not my cup of tea at all. It’s very drinkable. It’s fine. I’m just never going to have one again. This is what most of the people at work like, and wish would win.

I, however, am firmly in the camp of the big loser, Distortion. Basically, Distortion takes like regular MTN DEW, only it has a much, much stronger citrus kick at the end.
I love citrus.
Distortion is great.

However, the majority disagrees. This is why the majority sucks. I wouldn’t be so mad if Typhoon was winning, but man, it does kind of upset me that a soda which tastes almost exactly like another soda on the market that is easily findable is winning. Give me a break, people who vote about MTN DEW on a website!

In the end, though, I know it really doesn’t matter. I only have a Dew once in a great long while, so it’s not like it actually affects me. I’ll just drink Pepsi and Caffienergy Sauces and whatnot. But it just goes to show you that you probably should never get caught up in voting like this. It only ends in sadness. And boring beverages just like other beverages.

Hey, want to know how I’ve been wasting my time recently?

Why, watching this let’s play, of course!

Now, I enjoyed Chip and Ironicus’ Killer7 let’s play when I was all sick in bed, but man, this one was even better. Mostly because there is so much room for fucking around in MGS3, and a lot of it I never did during my playthrough (As I survival-knifed EVERYTHING). They are completely entertaining and ridiculous, and it’s obvious that it’s being played by someone who really knows how to completely break the silly game. It’s cool.

If you want a bunch of interweb videos to eat up all your time, it comes highly recommended.

And that’s my shitty post for today.

Jonathan and Shauna were out of town Friday night, and Saturday morning, my parents are always gone doing their stuff. Who was going to take care of Molly and FlipFlip? Molly can take care of herself, of course. I’ve taken care of her all the time. But Flapjack in the mix… I had no idea what to expect. Mr. FJ is hyper and energetic, runs around constantly and fights with Molly, and Molly gets weird, jealous, and possessive when he’s around. I mean, they obviously like each other, but it was a completely different situation.

When I was woken up at 7:50 by the sounds of them running around and scratching at my door, I didn’t think the day was going to go very well.

I knew Molly wanted me to be downstairs, so I got out of bed, wandered sleepily to the recliner, and laid down in it, immediately falling back asleep. For awhile, I kept waking up from a Flapjack nose or lick, or Molly wanting to climb up on me for protection, but a little after, there was nothing. I fell asleep.

When I woke up, I found then both sleeping, relaxed on the couch in the living room, taking a nap with me. And now that I feel more rested, and have gotten my lappy, they’re still in there, curled up and laying down.

I told them both thank you for being so good.

I expected a lot more insanity, because they really do have fun when they get together. I enjoy having dogs, but I’d rather have a dog who just wants to sit down next to me, like Molly usually is. I am pleasantly surprised by how well things went. Maybe Flapstock isn’t so much of a crazy puppy, but really does just get overly worked-up by visiting or visiting people. Who knows?
I’m just glad I got a little more sleep than I thought I was going to.

I had been feeling like I didn’t know exactly what was going on with my transitioning. I didn’t know what I should be doing, and when I wanted to start doing all those things was lingering. What did I still need to get done? What was I even supposed to be working on? What was there left to do?

So when I saw Dr. Friedman next, I asked.

And through all the discussion, it really seems like there’s just no way it’s going to happen when it was supposed to. It’s now another semester away, probably.

It’s just not fair. I’m ready, you know? It’s all about my family and such, and while yes, I want things to go well for them so that there is the least amount of friction, dammit… I want to get started. I want to live my life the way I want it to. I want to have control over myself for the first fucking time in my life. I want to start transitioning. I want to be me.

It also just brings up all kinds of issues. I’d be transitioning around Jonathan’s wedding, and around Christmas, and it just… man, it seems like a great way to make those situations shitty, doesn’t it? That’s why I wanted a buffer zone, so I’d be fully into things so that there wouldn’t be any argument at these situations. Now, I guess I put it off past that too?

More and more. Always something else, isn’t there?

I’m discouraged. I know what I need to do now, and I’ll do it. There are benefits too. My face stuff will be done by the time I start then, which is probably a much better situation, for example. And I’m closer than I’ve ever been, and I am making progress.
But fuck.

Just… fuck.

I kind of really want to go to GenCon Indy. Why? I dunno. I guess I feel like I need something to look forward to, and I’ve always wanted to go on a trip like this. I’ve been good. I’ve been making progress. For the most part. Sort of. I deserve a cool trip, right? I feel like that’s the case.

I never do things like this, though, and I’m sure as fuck not going alone. So it’s a matter of getting people to go with me and figuring out logistics, costs, etc.

That really is the main thing I’m worrying about. The cost of such things.. .I don’t even begin to know how much all that would cost.

You know what? Let’s use Maths.

Okay, if things go my way, Rooms and admission is at least… what… 218 dollars if I split it with one other person. Plus driving costs… let’s say two full tanks of gas each way for 60 dollars split… and then food and event costs. If we’re smart, we can kill those food costs by not eating out much and doing some intense sandwich packing and stocking up at complimentary hotel breakfasts. I hear that’s useful at conventions. Events… I dunno how much those would cost or how many would be done! On top of all that, I’m sure to do some shopping and game-buying. I’d need at least somewhat of a budget for that.

So we’re probably looking at at least $500 dollars for this trip, if I don’t go crazy. Or I suppose I could cut another hundred off of it or so if I convince another person to go.

Yay for Maths!

That’s not really out of the picture. I mean, I shouldn’t be spending money like that, but… at the same time… I’m normally pretty good with my funds… and I deserve some fun, right?
Right?

I don’t know. I’m thinking about it, though. We’ll see if I make such a big jump. It would be a great time, though. I bet. Or at the very least, a lesson that I’m not really cut out for conventions. Heh.

Since last Friday, say, I’ve been in a horrible depressive funk. It’s kind of shitty. I’ve been working on Assassin’s Creed 2 and hiding to attempt to combat this, but I don’t know how well it’s gone. I’ve basically been lashing out at Brer and being pretty stupid and secluded. Cara said I was “absent.” I guess that works.

I really wish I had a handle for why I get like this. I mean, I have theories. I’m burning all my social energy and I’m running out, or my body just decides it’s not going to take any more and needs a break. I don’t know. I just hate how awful I am. I hate not really understanding why I feel so horrible, and I hate that these situations have come back. I used to be able to ignore them, or at least keep them to one evening, but this shit has gone on for like 4 days and may still continue. I don’t know.

Anyway, moodiness sucks and I hate it, the end.

Still, I guess it’s nice to have a little time to indulge it. And I survived the semester with a 4.0, even with everything I was fighting with the whole time.

I have it together. Kind of. Even if I am completely broken sometimes.

Yep.