May 26, 2010
Setbacks, or Something Similar
I had been feeling like I didn’t know exactly what was going on with my transitioning. I didn’t know what I should be doing, and when I wanted to start doing all those things was lingering. What did I still need to get done? What was I even supposed to be working on? What was there left to do?
So when I saw Dr. Friedman next, I asked.
And through all the discussion, it really seems like there’s just no way it’s going to happen when it was supposed to. It’s now another semester away, probably.
It’s just not fair. I’m ready, you know? It’s all about my family and such, and while yes, I want things to go well for them so that there is the least amount of friction, dammit… I want to get started. I want to live my life the way I want it to. I want to have control over myself for the first fucking time in my life. I want to start transitioning. I want to be me.
It also just brings up all kinds of issues. I’d be transitioning around Jonathan’s wedding, and around Christmas, and it just… man, it seems like a great way to make those situations shitty, doesn’t it? That’s why I wanted a buffer zone, so I’d be fully into things so that there wouldn’t be any argument at these situations. Now, I guess I put it off past that too?
More and more. Always something else, isn’t there?
I’m discouraged. I know what I need to do now, and I’ll do it. There are benefits too. My face stuff will be done by the time I start then, which is probably a much better situation, for example. And I’m closer than I’ve ever been, and I am making progress.
But fuck.
Just… fuck.