The Blogtastic Blogfest That Is Getmeoutofthis.net!

I’m just going to write about stuff today, I think. Rapid Fire Go!

I recently updated my blog. You know, gotta keep it updated and safe, because I am the target of SO MANY HACKERS! Not really, but, you know. Might as well be safe instead of sorry. I update it, and it changes around how all the menus look on the back end that you all can’t see. For the most part, they’re nice little cosmetic changes, but the one thing that really gets to me is the fact that they changed the font in the “write a blog” box. You know, the one I’m typing in right now. It’s now sans serif. Which is just… why would they do that? It just makes it harder to read and proofread. I mean, it’s a nice enough font, but come on: I write so much bullshit, I need to be able to look it over. Anyway, I’m not a fan.
And then I look at my main page and realize that this is the font my blogs normally display in. Awkward. If I had any clue how to change that font, I probably would! It’s been awhile since I really fucked with the guts of this blog. Maybe I should do that sometime.

I’ve been taking hormones for awhile now, which is fantastic! My body still feels like it’s adjusting, though. Recently, I have been feeling incredible fatigue. Today, especially, I was just exhausted, all day. Not tired, just… worn out, you know? Like my arms were so tired it took effort to lift them. Maybe it’s the fact that I got little sleep and got up so early to work at Kohl’s. Maybe it’s the fact that I gave up soda and sweets, and that’s been raging hell on my body at the same time. I don’t know! I just know I’m tired, and going the fuck to bed after I finish writing this.

It is almost time for me to go and see Brer. I’m really nervous as fuck about the whole thing, though looking forward to it. I don’t feel very prepared or anything. I’ve been trying to scrounge up some audiobooks to listen to for the drive, and think about what all I want to bring so we have things to do, and so on. I also need to do a lot of poetry editing and rewriting before I leave, so I hope I am good and work on that like I should. I don’t know. I know in the end, it’ll be okay, and it’ll be worth it to go. I know it’ll be wonderful. But I’ve got so much invested in him, I’m scared something is going to get fucked up again. I don’t know. I’ll just do the best I can, I suppose.

I couldn’t help myself. I watched the first episode of The iDOLM@ster anime. I just had to know what they were doing. It was as terrible as I expected, but it also seemed really badly conceptualized. Like, the player character from the games, who is you, is in this show. Dialog just appears on the screen for you to say, like you picked it from a menu. All the characters talk at the camera like it was a character. But it’s also supposed to be a real camera, and also a film crew, but they don’t even pretend to make the shots look like an actual documentary crew could take them. (At least they pretend to do so most of the time on The Office.) Sometimes there’s camera wobble and movement, sometimes not. I just really don’t know what the person making the game was thinking. Probably something like “The iDOLM@STER is so popular and I am going to make so much money time to bang some shit out!” Something like that.

Nichijou, which I have been following and enjoying, has a new opening. It’s interesting, because in a lot of ways, this opening fits the show a ton better than the original. It’s energetic, and crazy, and the visuals are all the fuck over the place. The original opening had a “sitcom opening” moment in the middle with a title card, and almost looked like maybe it was a normal show, like a normal person would make. Which it isn’t, of course. It’s an interesting comparison. I also am surprised that Nano is going to the high school now, if only because it makes a level of narrative sense and creates coherence between episodes that I didn’t think the show would ever show!

Anyway, I am going to rest. Fuck yes. Later.

Yeah, this is a pretty lame song to get stuck in my head, but here we are.

I was linked this video showing a pre-alpha build of an upcoming My Little Pony fighting game. Yeah, so, that’s a thing, certainly. But what really got to me was how well-done even this pre-alpha was. All those sprites of Applejack are custom, but look extremely true to the show. Same with the background.

What really caught me, though, is the custom song playing behind it. It’s really kind of amazing. It is, at the same time, completely perfect for My Little Pony, having some similar little musical cues to songs from the actual show that you can pick out if you’re as lame as I am. At the same time, this is clearly, clearly a fighting game track. It has that light into heavy bouncing energy that a good fighting game track has, like, say, this one. It just works. You tell me this music is from a MLP fighting game, and I say, “Of course it is.”

It’s also catchy as fuck, too, which is why it’s been stuck in my head the past couple of days. Oy. Ponies. Amirite?

I saw Ok Go in concert, and I’m going to immortalize that in a blog post.

I’m not a huge band-going type. Ok Go marks the third band I’ve actually seen in concert, the others being They Might Be Giants many a time, and Franz Ferdinand once. They Might Be Giants is all about being fun, pleasing the crowd, and interacting with them. It’s a damn good time. Franz was very “we are playing music now” kind of band, and was less fun, even though I enjoy what they do musically.

Ok Go was much more in the fun side of things.

Seriously, not only were they rocking all the songs I loved from their earlier albums, thank goodness, but they really went out of their way to put on an entertaining show. They played a song completely on a set of handbells, which they described as “God’s Instrument.” They pulled a little kid out of the crowd to dance on stage, and a dude in a “Pugs not Drugs” t-shirt to play the guitar part in a song. A song was played right in the middle of the audience, an arm’s length away from me. They really seemed like they were in it for the fun, and really wanted to be there, which means a lot, because that energy is infectious. I started the show feeling kind of ill, to be honest, but when they really got going, I was really into it. It was fantastic.

Seriously, though, what really stands out is the amount of confetti they used. They literally had like an inch thick of confetti on the stage by the end of the performance. They were shooting off confetti cannons twice, three times a song. It never ended. Confetti. It was crazy.

But yeah, would totally see them again. A ton of fun, to be sure. Fun times all around, and I’m glad I took off to go and enjoy myself and watch. I’m also glad Jonathan did all the driving so I could sleep in the car. Thanks, Jonathan!

I spent a lot of today writing my final paper for my final grad school class. (I also spent a lot of today fighting with my parents over me wearing a bra, like I had been for the last week, but them just noticing! So that was exciting. But let’s not deal with that right now. I really don’t want to rant about that.) Basically, it was a really shitty situation! It was frustrating! I was frustrated.

I can write papers like nobody’s business, to be sure. Hell, it had been my job for awhile to teach people how to do just that. I like to think I’m good at it. But there was certainly a time when I hated doing it, and that was when I was letting the sources do the talking for me, instead of talking myself. It was always so painful to have to gather all the sources, and try to come up with a way to make them not sound like shit while having no control over what’s being said. I hated it. Then, I learned the secret of fun paper writing is to have control over what you say. Suddenly, papers were fun again! Well, as fun as homework can be, anyway.

This assignment basically has me stating an opinion, but I really need to back it up with tons and tons of facts and research. Now, I’ve done sources and shit in papers before, sure. But they work so much differently in a literary paper. I know the tricks to get around what sources I have and still say what I want to say. Things are more flexible. That’s what drew me to such papers in the first place. But here I’m arguing for a better educational system, sort of. This is the sort of thing that I certainly would want facts behind, if I were reading an article. Yet, I am just not knowledgeable enough to know where such facts would be located in this field. I’m finding stuff, but it’s not quite the right stuff. It’s like I’m back as an undergrad, not knowing how to work sources and bend them to my will, and banging my head against the desk in frustration that I don’t have ownership over what I’m writing.

I’ll get it done. I’ll move on. It’s my last paper! I’ll do it. But there’s no doubt that there’s some frustration involved in the whole process. Best get some sleep so I can bang out a finish to it tomorrow.

I played two rounds of Disc Golf after having done the first day of “no more sodas” and so I got home and I immediately fell asleep in my computer chair. Now it’s like “Oh shit, better write one of them bloegs!”
Yeah, this means I’m throwing a bunch of links at you. Then I am going to sleep. I’ve heard good things about sleep.

Ponies, motherfucker. Ponies.

SEXISM IS OVER! (I cannot stop laughing at the gif at the end of this.)

Important information about terrorism here.

Pantskat.

After reading this blog, you should go pop some pengs, more than likely.

I got in the breastforms I ordered.

Now, when I was initially doing research for these, I got so depressed and angry. I even wrote this post. I just knew they were going to make me feel like a freak, like a fake, and generally make me feel worse. Still, I ordered them, so I’d have the option if I needed it. Then they came in, and I put them on.

Fuck, was I wrong.

I could look at myself in the mirror. I can never look in the mirror. My body looked right for once. It was real close. I was still a bit of a mess, because I just kind of am in general, but I looked like me. I looked like me.

They basically made me feel so good that, the next morning, as I was waiting about the house and wearing them, I didn’t want to take them off. But I was going out, so I should, right? I mean, surely I should.

It was then I remembered Avandra. She always says that “Fortune favors the bold.” She’s right. If I don’t go for it, I’ll never get it.

So, you know, I left wearing them, did all my stuff, came home. Later, I went to work wearing them. Fuck it, why not, right? Fortune favors the bold. Today, everyone invited me out to lunch, and while I gave them all warning, I wore them. Fuck it. I went shopping, I filled my prescription, I was wearing them.

I’m still getting sir’d instead of ma’am’d, but I’m wearing really androgynous clothing, so I’m not too surprised. More important, though, I don’t feel like a freak walking around. I feel like me.

Today, I finally filled my prescription. I’m on hormones. Things are happening. Things are getting better. I am more me than I ever have been, and fuck, it feels good. I am gentle, but bold, as my current title on Talking Time says. I am making shit happen. Hi world, I’m Alexis Long, and I am here.

I’m here.

Today was kind of okay, and then I had a shitty session, and then I just got so fucking frustrated that I made phone calls I regret and threw Frisbees for like an hour and a half alone out of anger, and then I came home and didn’t do my homework… yeah.

Moody Bullshit.

But hey, just look at all these tabs I have open. So many tabs! Enjoy some tabs. Of videos.

This is a pretty crazy good card trick, I must admit, even if the audio is fucked up in this recording.
Yes, this video has ponies, but I just found the song humorous. I might be easy to entertain.
What’s cooler than a dog? Dog on a skateboard. Skateboarding dog.
You’ve probably seen it by now, but if you haven’t? Meet the Medic. Yep.
Because I am such a goodie-two-shoes, I enjoyed this video of FemShep, the only true Shepard, being a bitch.
Solve the mystery. Let a play.

Bye!

I’ve got eggs in a basket.

I feel like, in a lot of ways, I am being pulled two ways. On one hand, I should be prepared. I should move forward and continue my life in a smart, intelligent manner. A lot of that should involve casting a wide net. Reaching out. Making sure things fall into place appropriately. I should be searching to find my own way, you know? Self-reliance, all that shit.

I don’t really want that, though.

Most of what I want involves other people, and involves other people falling into place and following along with the plan. Mostly Brer, yes, but many other friends and family too. Places of employment. All that shit. All of it needs to fall into place and occur. This is what I want.

Recently, I’ve had so much shit happen because of depending on other people. Assuming other people will do simple shit like picking up letters when they are sent them, and so on, and so forth. There’s a terror I have learned in waiting for someone to do something so important to you. The month (oh fucking gods, it was a month) of waiting for Dr. Friedman to write less than a page of text was terrifying. There was nothing I could do to speed the process up. I was powerless. My life was in her hands. It sucked.

But okay, so, I’ve always been a trusting individual, you know? I look for the best in people, because people deserve the best from me. People are awesome, and deserve respect. Unless it’s clear they don’t want my respect, I give it. I trust. But as I get older, the stuff being risked keeps increasing in scope, and I keep having to trust “professionals” to get my shit done. Sometimes this works out, and sometimes it does not. It’s slowly becoming more and more terrifying, to be sure.

In any case, I guess the point I’m trying to make is that I’m banking my future on trusting people. I’m setting myself up for potential failure where, if I just pulled myself inside myself and bunkered down, I wouldn’t have to risk anything. I’m sure I could spin a life together that mitigated risk quite completely. But that’s not what I want. I want family, and romance, and the life I want. That life involves people.

Maybe I’m too nice. Maybe you have to fight for what you want and make people bleed in order to be happy. Maybe you have to rip and tear. Maybe being polite and friendly and dependable and professional aren’t the ways to get what you want out of life. Maybe it needs something else. Mistakes get made unless you accept no mistakes, right? Something like that?

Something like that.

I am doing a really bad job at saying I’m worried that I’m getting too attached to my get this bit of employment, get Brer here in December, move out and turn my life into the life I want plan. But I don’t know how to work towards that plan without getting attached to it. I don’t know how to move the plan forward without investing in it. If I didn’t invest in it, why would I be doing it? You know?

This is probably the kind of thoughts people have every day, don’t they? I am probably so boring. I want to be boring. I want the house and the dominant husband and the pet submissive wife and some pets and some video games and a job I can go to every day and come home and have that be enough.
So much of that is people, though.
Gotta depend on people.

Here’s my mood right now. In, you know, a progressive mixtape of songs linked on youtube. If you listen through it all, let me know. That’s cool of you. If not, well, no worries. Hopefully my mood will not be shit tomorrow, and I’ll write something.

Alternia from Homestuck’s AlterniaBound soundtrack

Hopeless Bleak Despair by They Might Be Giants

Failure by My Robot Friend

Un Dia by Juana Molina

Want It All Back from the Cowboy Bebop soundtrack

Grace and Glory from the Jet Set Radio soundtrack

Advice [FLCL Arrange Version] by The Pillows

Skies of Skaia from Homestuck Vol. 1

Three Minutes Clapping from The World Ends With You

Up to the Roof by Blue Man Group

It’s Getting Better (Man!!) by Oasis

When Life Gives Me Lemons I Make Lemonade by The Boy Least Likely To

Fear (Rez Version) by Adam Freeland

Killed by BR8K Spider!!!!!!!! from Homestuck’s AlterniaBound soundtrack

(I wrote this while I was really raging. Really angry and depressed. I left a bunch of really angry tweets and stuff in my wake. I’m still angry about it, to some extent, but have mostly chilled. Still, here it is, uncensored. I can’t bring myself to write something more entertaining and I’m just… yeah. Seriously, though, thanks to everyone who extended support on twitter and otherwise about this bullshit. It’s more than I deserve, really.)

Today I was supposed to start hormones!

Man, did that get fucked up!

I call to make sure they’ve received the letter to let me do this stuff today, just to be thorough. Turns out, no, they have no idea where it is. Nobody has it. It’s gone. I can’t have the appointment if I don’t have the letter. There’s a slim chance I could get a copy of the letter from Dr. Friedman before the appointment, but it’s very unlikely, as the appointment is before she’s actually up. I don’t have a copy myself. They lost the one I got in the mail. I had to cancel because otherwise they would charge me for the appointment anyway. Soonest I could get in again was next week.

Another week! Another week gone. Another 7 days of my life where I don’t get to be myself. Another 168 hours of not having what I’ve been wanting and working towards my whole lifetime. Just another fucking disappointment. Another fucking delay.

Seriously, at what point do you just give up? When have you been fucked around and jerked around enough? When do you just give up on life when life won’t give you a fucking break? I mean, what’s going to happen next week? Car break down? They lose the letter AGAIN? Won’t accept the copy I bring them? When does it end?

It doesn’t end. It never ends. Being yourself is a failing prospect in the world. Depending on another person for anything as simple as taking a fucking letter out of the mail is impossible, as it will never amount to anything. No amount of effort on creating yourself will ever be worth anything. No amount of hopes and dreams will ever come true. This is a world where you aren’t free to decide any fucking thing about what you do, where you go, or who you are, and if you dare to deviate, dare to hope that, at some point, life might work out and be something positive, well, you are fucking wrong.

Years ago now, I pulled myself out of depression. I pulled myself up, and I decided that I could do this. I could make things better in my life. I could be myself. I tried. I tried to do everything the way I was supposed to. I was patient. I was nice. I didn’t push anyone.

When do you let yourself be pushed around enough for being nice? When do you say that enough is enough, and bullshit is bullshit, and fuck you and how you’re keeping me down? When does that happen? When the fuck does that happen? At what point is “Well, it’s not that big a setback” no longer acceptable? At what point is “In the big scheme of things, this is nothing,” no longer alright?

I am telling you, that point is right now. It’s no longer alright. It’s no longer fucking alright. Everyone holding my life hostage can fuck off, get their shit together, or enjoy my fist slamming into their face.
Fuck.
I give up.