The Blogtastic Blogfest That Is Getmeoutofthis.net!

In the other room, Aesa is asleep. I’m sitting here working on job applications and writing blogs and shit, and in the other room is a not-dog, sleeping in my house, and he’s going to stay there.

What a relief.

I mean, I’m sure there will be all sorts of unimagined issues and whatever the fuck, you know? These sorts of things happen when people live in the same space. I’m sure there will be even more issues and things to work through when Brer gets here. But goddamn, I am so glad to be having those issues in the future instead of ones of loneliness and whatnot. Being lonely fucking sucks.

I feel like what we’re going to have to work on first is the whole not being together constantly thing. I still need to play my dumb vidjeo gamez and I assume he does too. I need to be able to go into my office and get schoolwork done. Hopefully the fact that this is spring break will help us transition to a state where we’re not all desperately attached at the hip. Heh. I’m sure that’ll happen without issue, though. We also need to figure out chores and things and other things… so many things.

So many things. But goddamn, I am ready for tackling these things. I am ready to have normal people problems. I am ready to have family problems. I am ready to have a family.

I’m excited. Very excited. What I’ve been working so hard for is nearly a reality, and that is… amazing. One moved in, one to go. Life is great.

Sorry to take a day to celebrate, but I feel like it’s worth celebrating. A more standard blog tomorrow, promise.

I have a link or two for you. Are you interested? Too bad, you’re getting them anyway.

Let’s get the ponies out of the way first.
Here’s a funny pony video. Whee! Funny pony videos! Amirite?
The wait for the next episode of Friendship is Witchcraft continues, but at least I got to listen to this outtake reel from the other episodes. (I could listen to Griffin riffing as Silver Spoon for a lot longer than they do in the video. Heh.)
This is how you put a nice easter egg in an episode for the fans.

ENOUGH PONIES!
Ever wonder what pets had college degrees? This list on Wikipedia has you covered.
Well hey, Street Fighter x Tekken seems to be doing some things right! Too bad the online is apparently complete ass.
You deserve more pigeon dating, so why not read the sequel to the Hatoful Boyfriend LP that I loved so much awhile back? It’s just as good, if not BETTER.
This pretty well sums up the Mass Effect Situation.
It’s your birthday.
Did you ever wonder how to make the cutest dogs ever? Apparently the solution is to crossbreed any dog with a corgi.
I found this interesting, and then shared it with my class. Maybe you won’t! I dunno.
Word on the street is that this chart is old, but maybe it’s still new to you, like it was to me, and will make you laugh.
Sometimes people on twitter have humorous tweets. Like this one. Or this one.

Bye for now! I’m heading back to the Citadel. I hear I have a lot of favorite stores there.

Today I am going to see my psychologist, and I’m kind of dreading it.

I just feel like I’m in a weird place in my relationship with her. There was a time when she was a huge help, a huge motivator, and a huge balancing force in my life. I needed to go and see her and talk to her. I had lists of things to talk to her about every week, and often didn’t get to them all. I then got to a point where I needed her for other reasons. I needed her to help me get on hormones, get things started, make sure I’m not forgetting anything dumb about transitioning, and be there as a guide to answer questions.

Now, I don’t know why I go. I have to wrack my brain for things to talk about that I actually want to talk about. I mostly just end up telling her about significant things I did, which, I mean, I already kind of do here with you, blog, so that seems a bit unnecessary. It’s just this formality, for the most part, that costs me quite a lot of money and quite a lot of time.

Occasionally, I do have something I want to really talk about, but more and more, I am finding it to be something that I have trouble doing. Bringing up things I find important feels difficult to do, because in a lot of ways, I feel like the sort of things I am bringing up now are things that she does not agree with. We’ll often get into conversations where she will stop me in the middle of a story I’m telling, and tell me how I should have done it, before I tell her about the outcome I got that I am very happy with. I often feel like I am put on trial, in a sense, having to somehow justify decisions I should not have to justify. It just feels awkward, in a space where I’m supposed to feel safe to speak my mind, to feel like I have to hold back how I feel or somehow temper it to sound like something she can support. I mean, it’s not like I’m talking about unhealthy things here. It’d be different if I was talking about something that was causing me harm. But it’s not that sort of stuff. I mean, like, we had a conversation about polyamory, and she is clearly pretty against it. But that’s a thing I’m doing and, frankly, with Aesa moving here and everything getting crazy, is the big thing on my mind right now. But now I feel like I can’t talk about it to some extent. I mean, I don’t feel ashamed about my decisions, and the relationships I am in. Fuck no. I just really rather hate confrontation. If I have to defend myself, why am I even going? If this isn’t a place where I can relax and talk about my problems and feelings, what’s the purpose? If the thing that’s supposed to help deal with my stress and problems is creating stress and problems, what’s the point? I kind of don’t know.

My psychologist is an awesome person. I have nothing but respect for her, and I would recommend her to anyone needing the sort of help I needed. But… well, I said to Kale the other day something along the lines of this: I am finally, truly feeling that my life is less a desperate run from disaster and despair on a day to day basis and more something I am establishing that I can be proud of. It shocked me to say that. It shocked me to say I felt I was on sure footing. But I am, for once. I can do this without that help now. I really believe that. I want to move on and live my life.

That’s it. That’s what this is. This is a tie that makes it clear where I’ve come from. This is a reminder of how much of a failure I was, of how much of a mess. I go there, and I feel like that mess again, and I leave, and I feel better to be away from it. I want to lose that connection. I want to finally just fucking be myself, without strings and caveats. I want to live a life that’s mine. I want to move on. I’ve seriously fucking forgotten what life was like before in a lot of ways, and I am so fucking glad I am at that point where I can forget how terrible I felt. But she is a constant reminder that I was not well, may still not be well. She makes me feel like I haven’t succeeded, not because of anything bad or wrong or disagreeable that she’s doing, but just because of what the memories connected to being there bring up in myself. It’s a 5 hour process of reminding myself that I’m broken, when I no longer feel that way the majority of the time.

Talking about this stuff can help. But goodness, I wonder how I explain all THAT to her.

I get to work to do work like I normally do last night. That’s a thing I do. Work. Anyway, I get there, and work begins! Then I am called to the office.

My boss goes, “Look at this corporate e-mail. This might be trouble.” I take a look. The e-mail basically says that one set of signs I am supposed to have my team put up tonight doesn’t exist right now, because corporate screwed up. It would be ready at 11. Thus, I was supposed to do two ad sets: putting up all of one set once, then immediately going back and putting up the other set. It said we’d get more payroll for that.

“That’s ridiculous,” I said. More payroll is all well and good, but I can’t stay up until 4 AM on the whim of some assholes at corporate. I kind of have shit to do. Frankly, the fact that I stay late most nights at ad set is me being way nicer and more dedicated to the job than I need to be.
“What’s the plan?” my boss said.
“I don’t know. The signs they’re talking about are printing right now,” I said. And they were. I had already confirmed it.
“What does that mean? You’re sure?” my boss said.
“I’ll take care of it,” I said.

I took the memo, and I set it down on my desk, and I went back to work.
The problem the memo was talking about was a few signs that would give errors when you were trying to print them. Based on reports and my own experience in the store, there were approximately 30 or so signs that were not working in this way. 30 signs. Out of about 4000 that we put up. They wanted us to spend an extra 3 hours for 30 signs. We were already understaffed: I was already at work until 2 just getting it done the NORMAL way.

Basically, I got really pissed. Maybe it’s the whole “not having a job soon” thing, but I wasn’t about to put up with this bullshit. So I didn’t! I told everyone to ignore those errors, and just get the job done as if they didn’t exist. That was me taking care of it. Maybe I’m the best boss, or maybe I’m the worst. Your call. But goddamn, sometimes I really hate my employer for being so fucking STUPID. I’m tired and cranky and it’s all their fault for not doing their job properly, and fuck them. Again, I appreciate and quite like most of the people I work with. But the organization itself is just… gah. GAH. Gah.

Gah.

Who wants some rambles? Too bad, you’re getting them anyway.

I am proud to announce that there are only two horrible vitamins left in the bottle. In a little over a week, I will be free of them once and for all. But seriously, I really should have just thrown them away a long time ago, but I couldn’t bring myself to. They still did whatever, you know, vitamins do. Give vitaminness. But they are of the most ridiculous nearly-square shape. They are near-impossible to swallow without choking. Seriously, did nobody even attempt to swallow these pills before they put them on the market? It’s ridiculous. I have to break them in half just to have a chance, and even then, I end up choking half the time. I bought the generic equivalent of the same vitamin, and they’re of a sane shape that you can swallow, no problem. Ugh. I’ll be glad to have them out of my life. Because this is a serious concern to be having.

Jonathan and Shauna came over, and they asked about Aesa, and if I’m going to tell my parents that we’re more than just friends. So I guess they probably read this sometimes? Hi! Anyway, they were totally cool about the whole thing, though worried about me getting in yet another fight with my parents over stuff. I told them basically what I had been saying: I’m probably not going to tell them, unless I have to in order to keep him from being excluded from family shit, as he’s a part of the family as far as I’m concerned. But yeah, nice to know they’re still on my side about how non-standard my life sometimes is. I could not ask for a better brother and sister-in-law, seriously.

I did so much work last week, for serious. I graded like crazy, and I was pretty exhausted for it. But it was all work it, really. It occurred to me how little one has to do once they’re actually working on it, as opposed to when they’re dreading it. I had a ton to do, don’t get me wrong, but I polished it off and got it all done in a very reasonable length of time, and now I’m in a much better position. Granted, there’s still more to do, there always is, but at least I’m caught up and I can breathe a little. Well, just a tiny bit, anyway.

Also, I’m really super embarrassed about it, but the tooth I had all that work done on broke while eating a crunchy slice of pizza this weekend and basically fell out. So now I don’t know what’s going to happen. It’s not visible when I talk or anything, so it could be worse, but fuck. I feel like an idiot. Was there something I could have done? People say probably not, and these things happen, and I should stop driving myself crazy feeling like shit about this. I was brushing and doing all the teeth upkeep things a person should do. And I mean, I am getting old. Older people have teeth problems. Older people don’t have all their teeth. But just… bleh. I’ll get it fixed as best one can this week. Maybe get a partial denture. I don’t know. We’ll see. Just… keep it under your hat, okay, internet? Feel like such a failure…

I’ll be back tomorrow with more BLOGGING. Ta da!

I don’t know what to write here, but I’m worried about work, so I’m going to write about that. I have quite a backlog of things to grade. This is just not a thing that has happened to me in the past. Sure, I have a lot more classes to teach now, so I have more work, but I don’t feel like that’s the problem. Focus is the problem.

In a lot of ways, I feel like I am stuck in a cycle. I work very hard to get things done, which spawns more work. I have burned myself out, and I can’t make myself focus on that work, so I take a break. Then comes a point where I must get that work done! I must! I work very hard to get things done, taking things to the extreme, really going at it. Then I’m burned out again.

I think it really comes down to the fact that I hate working out of my house. I really wish I had an office that was not in my house.

Seriously, the level of “now is the time for work” that I get from simply being in a different place cannot be overstated. Sure, I can’t focus forever when I’m in a different place. But simply going elsewhere primes me for 3 or 4 hours of schoolwork, easy. I know what I’m supposed to be doing there, so I do it. I get things done.

When my work desk is also my fun desk, like it is here at home, this just does not work. I can’t focus. I take constant breaks. I burn out much quicker. People talk to me, and I take the time to talk back. It’s just… not optimal. And while it hasn’t gotten me in trouble yet, it’s to the point where I need to really do some fixes here.

I think today, I am going to try a different strategy. Today, as I work, and grade, I am going to do everything that does not need to be done on the computer on my dining room table. I’m going to see how much this helps me plow through what I need to do. Once I start it all, it won’t be that bad. Once I get over these big mountains of papers and actually work on clearing them, it will not take THAT long. I mean, it will take time. Clearly it will. But it won’t take weeks. I can knock this shit out in a few hours, or at least make such a significant dent that it gets off my shoulders. I can do two classes, at least, today, and at least one more tomorrow, if not both. I can finish this shit off, and then I will have much less stress in my life. I can then focus on better stress. Cooler shit. Yeah.

Anyway, this whole blog is basically me shaming myself into getting enough stuff done tomorrow. I’ll see you on the other side of grading hell, a hell I have built for myself.

On Talking Time, someone said this simple phrase: “Twilight is pony Hermione Granger.” While not completely inaccurate, and certainly a decent shorthand, I, overall, disagree with this statement. Twilight Sparkle’s character is quite different from Hermione’s, and because I have a blog where I can write and post completely silly things, I am now going to explain to you why Twilight is not pony Hermione Granger.

First off, let’s just talk about how they’re similar, because they are, in many ways. Both characters study magic, and extensively. It is, in many ways, their entire life. They both love books, to the point of people around them thinking maybe they are a bit weird for it. They’ve always read something esoteric and are surprised when others haven’t looked into the same sorts of things. They’re also both insanely good at magic. They work hard to be the very best at what they do, spellcasting, and it shows. They are at the top of their game in that regard.

However, outside of that “professional” side of their life, they really split as characters. It really comes down to the fact that Twilight is clueless about social interaction, while Hermione is not.

Hermione understands dating, relationships, and how to interact with people. While she certainly puts her academic life above being popular, she understands what’s going on with the other students around her, and has insight into why they’re acting the way they do that Ron and Harry often miss, being stereotypical school-age boys. She is hurt by social conventions carelessly broken (Ron waiting forever to ask her to the dance, like she didn’t have other prospects) and just generally “gets it.” She’s not outside of social actions. When she does show a level of cluelessness about how social interactions work (her idea that SPEW is a thing that people will want to get involved with), she does not realize it. She knows she knows this stuff, and thus her errors are not immediately apparent to her. She’s confident in her social prowess.

Twilight, on the other hand, knows absolutely nothing about social interaction. We see this all the time, whether having to follow a checklist to have fun at a party or trying to be helpful in an episode like Baby Cakes in about the worst way possible, and getting shut down for it. In fact, her cluelessness is so bad that her mentor and teacher, Princess Celestia, basically went “look, enough with the magic, go make some friends!” and forced her to try to integrate into society at large. She just does not know what’s going on in social circles.
Still, she realizes that, which is a key difference. She knows she knows nothing, and is super, super excited to figure it out. After being shown the benefits, she is not about to stop trying to learn, because she loves learning, even this sort of learning. She’s willing to admit her mistakes and improve upon them, and she does with every silly letter to Princess Celestia she writes.

It’s this eager cluelessness to social situations that, in general, endears Twilight to me and makes her my favorite pony. She is a character that knows it all, like Hermione, but unlike Hermione, she also knows nothing, and embraces it. Personally, I just connect with that better. I’ve been the person with all the answers, quite often, but so often I feel like I have no clue what I’m actually doing. I can feel that struggle in Twilight, and that’s why there’s a connection there. It’s more well rounded and real, especially when compared to Hermione, who so often just kind of becomes the source of magical plot devices in the Harry Potter novels. When Hermione does show a weakness, it mostly is of the “I am a woman with emotions” stereotypical school of weakness. In general, she always has the answer. Twilight does not. Hers is a generally humble genius. She knows her Intelligence is much, much higher than her Wisdom and Charisma, and those are stats she needs to work on. She’s willing to listen, and willing to admit she’s wrong, but she’s never going to stop trying, even when she does it incredibly badly. Practice is how you learn, after all. Her weaknesses are not weaknesses to her, but rather ways she can improve herself. When you find yourself in similar situations, having someone to look at who gets back up, smiles, and learns from complete failure is refreshing. It makes failure something that’s okay, instead of the worst thing. I like that. I like Twilight Sparkle.

Today I had this amazing moment where I’m like “WOAH, I was thinking about this housing problem all wrong! The solution is so stupid simple!” so now I know how to move Aesa into the house without issues! Although it still requires some remodeling and building, though nothing as insane as my original plans. So that was cool!

But then I was back to just being alone in my house.

I have been so overwhelmingly lonely. It makes me feel amazingly and stupidly lame. I have so many wonderful people in my life. SO MANY WONDERFUL PEOPLE IN MY LIFE. But I never see them. My schedule sucks, and it’s never in sync with anyone. I rarely do anything social. I talk to my boyfriends and online friends all the time, and that’s nice. I wouldn’t give that shit up. Never, never. But let’s face it. It’s not the same. It’s a good substitute, but I can only run on that for so long before I want something more substantial to supplement it. And when you had this wonderful time with one of those people in real life and see how much better that is, it’s just… ugh.

Just feeling like that feels so defeatist. I am being pretty darn successful at life. I should be able to plan things, and make things happen, right? I should be able to make all this work. Right? Probably? I’m not doing a great job at it, though.

Ugh. Going to sleep. Going to try not to worry about it.

Because you are an avid reader (??) of my blog, you’ve probably been noticing that my blog posts have been going up later than they used to. I mean, you still get one incredibly stupid blog post a day, but it’s not up at like 1 AM! Crazy. How can this be?

This is due to Project Since I Wake Up Early Now I Should Sleep Like A Sane Person.

When Aesa visited, he was flipping to a day schedule from a sort of heavily nocturnal one. He made the transition to my schedule without much problem, but it also made him tired pretty early in the evening. We turned in at quasi-decent hours every night he was here. It wasn’t until after he left that I realized something.
I felt so much better having gone to sleep early than I normally did.
Thus, I decided I should probably continue that. I don’t hate my body anymore, and life is pretty great. No reason to feel like shit every day, especially without caffeine to power me through as I used to have. I kept going to bed at around like 8:30 or 9 when I could. My body instantly jumped onto this routine in an “Oh thank god” kind of reaction, and started making me feel real drowsy at that time as a cue. I also started going straight to bed after work instead of getting on the computer for an hour. Once again, my body thankfully obliged to make that a viable strategy.

The only way this whole Project Sleep Some More So Days Go Better would work, though, is if I was willing not to write a blog every night, but let it transfer over to early the next morning. So often, why I stayed up so late after work was because I still had a blog I needed to bang out, and that would get me all woken back up, you know? By letting go of that pressure, still making myself do a blog a day but not requiring it to update right when the day flipped over, I was able to get to bed faster, and get some sleep. I thought that would bother me, but it didn’t end up bothering me near as much as I thought it would. Writing a blog just transferred to a “just got out of bed” routine, which was a nice thing. I’m down with that.

Anyway, if things are late on here, that’s why. I don’t think that’s going to upset anyone too much? I mean, I’ll try to write things ahead of time when I can. Like this one! But overall, I am getting old or something, and I really have started seeing the value of actually getting enough rest. I think I’m going to keep up with it.

They link you to things. For serious.

Videos?! In my linkdump??
Here’s a funny skit I just now heard about. Maybe you’ve seen it.
If you ever wanted your heart warmed by a politician, I have the video to do that for you.
Are you afraid?
I love this Mega Man. Too bad I will never get to play as him. But seriously. Just look at him.
Relive this most wonderful James moment I recently rediscovered.

Anyway, let’s move on to Pony Corner, shall we?
This tumblr has caught my attention recently. I dunno why I find it so fascinating.
Since I know you all are dying to know, here’s my results for the pony personality test. Try to act surprised.
I don’t even know what this is.
Hmmm. Intriguing.

Finally, here’s just some other shit. Like an animated gif of a puppy. Puppy!
It has begun. The ultimate QWOP battle.
Is Idle Thumbs coming back? Please tell me this means Idle Thumbs is coming back.
Here’s an actual lesson I have given my students.
This is one of my favorite chainsawsuits of late, because it’s the sort of thing I would actually say. I am that lame.
I once wondered what my kind of victorious game of Starcraft would look like. Now I know.

Finally, just read this. Read it. Read all of it, and keep reading it. Read this.

See you tomorrow with more links! (Just kidding. I’ll write something for then. I’m all linked out.)