Nov 4

Let’s Do A Good Ol’ Fashioned Link Dump

Dang, yo, even though I don’t blog all that often any more, I still collect tabs with cool links. I have so many tabs open in Chrome right now I cannot see the little icons on the tabs! Let’s do a good ol’ fashioned link dump and clear them out, shall we?

This is me in my Halloween costume. Yep.

Life is hard for such people. It really is.

As much as I don’t like dressing up dogs, people often do awesome shit with it.

Poor Will Smith.

Sweet tricks on a four-wheeled device, Slender.

Cat Pokemon: Best thing.

Three Word Phrase is normally amazing, but this is one of the best comics he’s ever done, to be sure.

HOW I HOLD POPCORN?

They’re pretty sad.

They’re really going at it. (Who makes this shit?)

A thorough plan of action.

VAMPIRE DOG!

Let’s rock out!

The hottest new magazine for game developers!

Corgis rule.

This man knows how to enjoy a beverage.

Yes, this is another pony comic. Huzzah!

Yes, applause is appropriate.

Finally, the most excited puppy dog.

Whew! That was a lot of links! Thanks for helping me unload them!

Oct 30

Rapid Fire Ramblings: Nerves, Halloween Costume, Save Bugs

Sometimes I really wonder about myself. More and more often, I’ll just be overcome by waves of panic. I’ll just have this feeling something is wrong, or I’ve done something wrong. It’s a really shitty feeling. I’m nervous constantly. I’m honestly really fucking tired of it. I mean, I have people who support me and calm me down, but it’s annoying to me that they have to. I should be able to stand on my own. I shouldn’t spend every morning curled up in a ball, freaking out about not having something done. I shouldn’t be so nervous and worked up that when I pull out of the driveway, I accidentally bump into my boyfriend’s car and scratch the paint because I’m having trouble focusing on such a simple task. That shouldn’t be how I live my life. I really wonder what’s changed and what I can do about this… Bleh.

On a more positive note, though, it’s Halloween tomorrow, and I have a costume. This is totally weird. I never even thought of trying to have a costume, because it wasn’t like I could be any character I actually wanted to be because of gender bullshit. This is the first year where that’s not been an issue, and I took action on it, and I’m really excited to wear my dumb Twilight Sparkle outfit out and about. I really, truly am. I’m a lame brony furry person, but fuck it, I get to dress up how I want to and that rules. RULES. I am so excited. I hope people don’t mind pictures of my outfit being shared, because it will happen.

I have been playing Virtue’s Last Reward. More about that later, probably, but it is awesome. The thing is, though, the 3DS version has some really horrible bugs that can wipe your progress, which is just… ugh. How did those not get fixed while they were translating? It’s a damn shame. Apparently the Vita version does not have these problems, but I don’t have a Vita, so I had to get the 3DS version. It just really bums me out, but at least I know about the bugs and can play around them. If you’re going to play the game, do, but be sure to check up on the bugs first so you don’t lose a lot of progress.

Anyway, I guess I should get back to teaching instead of rambling. Whee.

Oct 27

The Illusion of Greener Grass I Can’t Prove Doesn’t Exist Lingers Endlessly In My Head, Making Me Feel Like A Shitty Girlfriend And Write Long Blog Titles

So here’s a blog about some really potentially awkward stuff relating to, you know, sex. Not that I’m going to get all graphic or whatever. But if that’s not something you want to know about me, this isn’t the blog for you. But this is a thing I’m trying to think out, so I write about it, so… uh, anyway…

You alright with everything? Sure? Alright, cool.

For awhile now, basically all my sexual fantasies have been about women.

Now, I mean, sure, that’s not weird. I mean, you know, I like ladies. Ladies are a thing I like. And there’s nothing wrong with having a sexy daydream now and again. But it’s just kind of getting to the point where it’s bothering me. I find myself wandering off in these thought processes when I have a lovely jackal like 3 feet away who would throw me onto the bed and do so many nice things with me if I even vaguely mentioned it. If I’m horny, I have a fantastic solution. But my head never seems to click into that. It clicks into ladies. And this frustrates me because, again, nice boyfriend jackal I would like to be intimate with more often, but my head isn’t cooperating.

I wouldn’t normally be writing about all that, but recently I came up with a theory as to why, so I thought I’d run it by you.

I want to do the sexy times with ladies instead of my man because some subconscious part of me thinks it is safer.

When I do things with my boyfriend, there are a lot of things I cannot do that I desperately want to do. I am physically incapable as I am now. Hopefully someday that will not be the case, but for now, it’s just a fact. He’s lovely, and he’s sweet, and he makes me melt and get into this quite subby mode most of the time. And I sit there, squirming and making happy noises and stuff. And my brain… starts thinking about what I want to do. Which are things I cannot do. But I want them. I want them so bad. But I can’t do them. And this works me into a sort of panic. When the time comes to do the things I can do, often this will set me off and I’ll start crying and generally be fucking lame. Overall, this stuff is worth it. I am so lucky I have a partner who will take it slow and understands my issues here. I am so fucking lucky, for serious. But it’s disappointing every time I break down like that, and it keeps happening. I don’t want that disappointment. Preferably this would happen with me getting over my stupid self and just, you know, enjoying myself. But I’m so wrapped up in mental bullshit, that’s hard to do.

I feel like my body is trying to keep me away from that. Generally, with women, I am much more dom. I am in control. When I am in control, anything I don’t want to happen or I’m worried about clearly won’t happen. And so, my subconscious goes, if you were having sex with a lady, you wouldn’t be having these issues.

I don’t really believe I wouldn’t be having similar problems. I know I would, in fact. Hell, I do take a more dommy role at times with my jackal too, and while I do tend to keep myself under control more, I still freak out. If that’s all it is that’s supposed to protect me, I can do that now, if I wanted to, and do, from time to time. Still, problems are there. Since I’m not in a “sex with a lady is possible” situation right now, I can’t PROVE that I would have similar problems to the little voices in my head, you know? So they say I wouldn’t. And I fantasize about that. And here we are.

Basically, my mind and my body are the lamest goddamn things. Maybe now that I’ve rationalized why I’m thinking the way I am, I can move past it and get back to enjoying myself. I hope so.

Oct 23

Pills Are Scary.

Yesterday, I felt horrible. I was so constantly nervous I was sick to my stomach. I didn’t feel like I could interact with anyone. I felt useless and awful and wanted to no longer exist.

This morning I feel perfectly fine. Not happy, perse. I mean, I’m up early to work and I have to get going to work soon. Hard to be super pumped about that. But I’m functional. I don’t feel like garbage. I’m fine.

Hormones are scary shit.

The theory on why yesterday was such a horrible situation for me revolved around me forgetting to take a pill the day before. See, most of my pills I take in the morning. I never forget those. I take them when I get up with a little breakfast. But one particular pill I have to take twice a day. I’m supposed to take them with food, so I always try to wait until dinner, but often I’m out of the house, or doing this or that, and I totally forget. Most of the time I end up taking them late, but I still take them, and it’s not a huge deal. (Mostly, because that pill is a diuretic, I have to get up in the middle of the night for a bathroom break if I take them late, but that’s the only bad side effect.) The day before yesterday, though, I was so tired and burnt out, I just went straight to bed and didn’t take them at all.

Then yesterday happened. I didn’t put two and two together. The pill in question is a testosterone suppressant. Testosterone is supposed to make you angry, not depressed, right? Plus, most of the rare times when I miss those pills, I do feel a little down, but nothing near this bad. Then again, that night before was kind of a shitty night, and that morning I broke my cell phone, so those things probably compounded to set off a depression attack.

Basically, it honestly just kind of scares me that such things can fuck me up so much. Like, I know, on an intellectual level, that these hormones and things run this stuff in my body. I do get that. But it’s still really disturbing to look back at myself, a mess, and realize that it was a stupid little pill so small that I could fit like 3 of them on a penny that was the culprit. I mean, I know my body SHOULD be taking care of this stuff without help, but it doesn’t, so here I am. And I’m silly. And I forget. And then horrible hide in bed suicidal day occurs. So shitty.

I’m going to do my best not to let that happen again.

Oct 19

A Fantastic Show About Ladies Kissing And Wanting To Kiss Each Other.

I don’t really know why I’m back in the groove of blogging more often, but I guess I won’t complain.

I do some really annoying shit sometimes. Like, I’m in a fucking fantastic relationship, one I hope lasts for as long as I can imagine existing. I’m so happy. But I’m stupid. I’m bisexual. I like ladies. I often want to hug on them and smooch them. So I get into these moments when I’m just kind of obsessed with doing so. It makes me feel very ungrateful for what I have, which is shitty. I don’t think CJ minds too much, though, seeing as he sneaks me dirty pictures of ladies he thinks I’ll like on a regular basis.

The point is, I was in one of those moods, and I decided I was going to try to deal with it for once by watching a show about ladies smooching. I asked twitter, and an expert on romantic anime and things of that nature got back to me (thanks, tungwene!) and suggested I watch a show called Aoi Hana. I sought it out, tried it, and it was exactly what I was wanting. So awesome. I mean, it has that thing where they’re making a short series from a long-running manga, which means everything is not wrapped up completely at the end? That’s kind of frustrating. But what’s there is very well done and very engaging. It’s awesome.

Seriously, you look at anime, and you just despair in general, but shows like this kind of make you regain faith in humanity. The main character, Fumi, being gay isn’t like… a thing for fanservice, or a thing just thrown in there. It’s as complicated as it is at that age, especially in Japan, which is kind of accepting of such things but kind of not. Add to that that she’s friends with a bunch of people going to a Catholic school, or at least what looks like one to me, and it really gets tense. There’s this great scene where she feels like she has to come out to her good friend Aachan, and she’s sobbing and saying “Please don’t think I’m disgusting…” and it’s just heartbreaking. I mean, you kind of know it’s not going to be a problem? The two of them are in the opening sequence running about, hand in hand, and even naked at one point. But it’s just… realistic, I feel. I certainly freaked out similarly coming out to people close to me.

At the same time, it’s not like “I’m a lesbian” is her complete character. She’s a person, and while the relationship concerns of a teenager are aimed at girls and not boys, she still acts like a teenager and an actual human being would at most points. Near the end of the series, there was a situation set up where Fumi saw Aachan shopping with a boy, and freaked out about it. I said to myself, “Oh no, not a WACKY MISUNDERSTANDING that’s going to set off fights for a long while! How stupid.” But it wasn’t like that at all. She moped about it for awhile, then almost instantly sought an explanation for what happened, and moved on. You know, like a person would, and not a sitcom character. I breathed a sigh of relief there.

It’s a good show, is what I’m saying.

Anyway, it got me thinking about why I can watch this sort of thing. I enjoy this kind of character and romance driven drama quite a bit, when I find one that works for me. It often leaves me a bit depressed, or worked up, in the way that something dramatic and sad can move you, though. This is a feeling I tend to avoid, thanks to years of being depressed and not wanting to set off an episode. Avoiding that feeling is something that keeps me from watching all these dramas that CJ likes with him, because I just don’t want to deal with that. Yet when the plot is romance-based, I dive right in. I feel like such a girl. Heh. I don’t know. I’ve always been more interested in character interaction than plot, and when the plot is based almost solely on romance, that’s what you get. Lots and lots of character interaction. Maybe it’s as simple as that. I don’t know.

Whatever reason I can watch it, though, I’m glad I did. If you like that sort of thing, you should check it out too, okay?

Oct 18

Now On Onthestick.com: My Article About Corpse Party

Oh, yesterday, my final article went up on On The Stick. It’s about Corpse Party, and it’s right here. I ended up writing articles about a lot of different things, but this is the one I originally wanted to do. Few games have creeped me out like this game, and I just doubted that many people heard of it. So I thought maybe I’d spread the word just a tiny bit. Do my part. Etc.

That’s it from me for this year’s 31 More Days of Horror Games! I’m sure I’ll help out with whatever else they do next year, but seriously, be sure to finish reading all the rest of the articles. They’re all PRETTY SWEET!

Oct 17

Dream Journal: An Unwanted Encounter

I had a dream Tuesday night, but not like a Martin Luther King Jr. dream. You know, a dream, dream. It was also really weird and kind of upsetting, but I wouldn’t classify it as a nightmare. I didn’t wake up all flustered and messed up like I do so often from nightmares. I don’t know what to think about it.

I was myself, with my body, in this dream, which is odd in itself. Normally I’m just kind of a formless blob of me-conciousness, but I have no real concept of my form in the dream. Probably comes from years of feeling basically disassociated with my body, I guess. Anyway, I was on some sort of college campus, and there was some sort of big event going on. However, I had ducked out. I was in some side hallway a bit off of where things where going on. There were offices and meetings around, and bathrooms. Some people were working in the offices. Every so often someone from the show would pass on the way to the bathroom.

For whatever reason, someone I haven’t really seen since high school came up to me and started a conversation. (I recognized him. He wasn’t just like… generic guy that in dream-logic I knew from high school. I’m just not going to name him for reasons that will be obvious in a second here.) I seem to remember being worried that things were going to be awkward, what with all my changes, but no, he was being nice, and we were talking and having a good time. We started walking deeper back into the hallway. Once we got a little farther away from everything, though, he started gently but firmly pushing me to my knees. Not saying anything. Just did it. It was a command, but it wasn’t like… do this or I’ll hurt you? He seemed to just assume I would. I was confused as shit, but being the dumb submissive bitch I am, fell down to my knees. You can then maybe guess where this is going. In that same insistent, but not attacking manner, he forced me to give him a blowjob. I was worried as shit in the dream for a variety of reasons, a big one being getting caught, because people could still walk past, and also what CJ would think of this happening to me. But for whatever frustrating in retrospect reason, I wouldn’t put up anything more than token resistance. I was in full-on submission mode.

Then I woke up.

I really don’t know what to make of this. As far as the guy in the dream goes, we were on friendly terms, but never really close. He was closer to some other friends of mine, so we often were in the same place and were acquainted that way, you know? Last time I saw him, at our class reunion, he still used the wrong pronouns with me (not surprising, as he probably just found out like that day about everything) and we didn’t really talk much. I always thought he was a cool enough guy, but the way he treated women always bothered me. He kind of treated them like shit, with constant “jokey” sexist stuff pretty well constantly that I couldn’t help but take as serious since it was basically all he did. Yet everyone said he was a perfect gentleman and great to his girlfriends, so who knows. I do know it bothered the shit out of me that there was such a clear difference in how he treated guys and girls, and I was on the wrong side of that. I remember getting very upset about that and trying to hide it when I was around him and a girlfriend. Maybe there’s something there with all that?

It also just kind of disturbs me after the fact that what happened in the dream was rape-like in nature. I remember distinctly not WANTING to do that. I just didn’t feel like I could say no. And that experience resulted in me waking up calm and collected, whereas dreams about stupid shit like “I can’t get back to Cape in time to teach my class” have me freaking out and needing to just lie there and breathe for awhile to be able to function when I wake up, because I’m so nervous and overwhelmed. Why was my subconscious okay with that?

Is this some sort of fucked up thing where I want to be treated like garbage like that because then I’m “in” and have more of a claim to being myself? Because that is a shitty thing for my subconscious to think. But it’s not like I really get sexist treatment. At least, I haven’t really experienced much of it. Granted, I’m normally in the classroom in a position of power, being the teacher, and I’m normally putting off a pretty masculine aura, even when I don’t mean to. I mean, I don’t mind. I’m just being myself. But like… when I address guys, I address them on wavelength similar to two guys talking to each other, because I know how to do that. I know that quiet, unwritten kind of code, seeing as I had to decipher it to survive through my childhood. I don’t think that’s a bad thing, perse. But I do think that, likely, if I was going to get any of that kind of treatment, that shuts that down in people’s heads a lot quicker and it doesn’t happen. I get a lot more harassment on homosexual sort of grounds than sexist stuff. (Not that I get that a lot either, but, you know, plenty of people yelling at me out of cars as they drive by. Joy.) I don’t know. Does all that even make sense? I certainly have been reading a lot about people being complete fucking creepy assholes to women lately. I could believe all that was in my head.

I really just don’t know. Trying to interpret dreams is kind of hard. Thoughts?

Oct 16

Now On Onthestick.com: Ponies.

Hello! I wrote another thing! Can you believe this shit? Me writing a thing? I mean, seriously. This one is about a My Little Pony fan horror game. I couldn’t resist a little trolling, so to speak, but for some reason they actually let me do it. So, uh, you know. Take a look at it here.

One more article and then all my articles are done! Whew! How they were set in the timeline just made them all kind of naturally bunch up, I suppose. Anyway, one last one tomorrow, and it’s kind of the one I feel the most like… well, it’s the game I really want people to know about and try that they may not have tried, I’ll say that. See you tomorrow for another one of these silly little posts reminding you about it!

Oct 15

Now on Onthestick.com: Hear My Frightening Voice In A Nice Podcast

Hey, look, more self promotion! And there’s going to be more for like two more days, so, you know, sorry about that. Anyway, that podcast I recorded with the On The Stick guys is up, and over here. I’d hope you’d be listening to it anyway, because I’d hope you’re a fan of their podcast. I’m always really entertained by it when I listen, and I’m lucky enough to know all of them, you know?

I listened to some of it so far, and my voice wasn’t TOO terrible. I can almost listen to it now. Not that I sound great. But that’s really more my holdup. I’m sure you’ll not have any problems with it. Or if you do, tell me so I can despair about it for weeks or whatever. Heh.

In any case, I hope you enjoy. Tell me what you think, sarcasm about my voice aside! And hey, two more articles coming from me in the next two days. So, uh, look forward to two more posts like this. I hope this glut of content from me is a boon and not just something weird. Yep!

Oct 14

Now On Onthestick.com: My Atom Zombie Smasher Article.

I’ve been such a good girl today, doing all my grading, that I totally forgot to post this. So I’m posting it now!

My article on Atom Zombie Smasher is now up on Onthestick.com. It’s not a video game like the last time or anything, but, you know, apparently it’s pretty decent? So please do go check it out.

And again, if you haven’t been keeping up with all the articles, give them a read too, okay? I’ve got a lot of mine coming up in the next day or two, but there’s so much good stuff going up!

Okay, back to work. See you later, blog!