The Blogtastic Blogfest That Is Getmeoutofthis.net!

Welcome to a new year! Last year was basically the best year of my life, so I’m really looking forward to trying to beat that this year!
But for now, let’s look back at more games of 2012. There are always good games that don’t make the top ten for some reason or another, and I like to at least point them out. So here they are, in no particular order.

Blacklight: Retribution
How did a free to play shooter get on here? I was really obsessed with this one for awhile. It’s basically Call of Duty, but it nails Call of Duty, and had enough little tweaks, like robot battle suits and basically building looking through walls into the game, that it felt fresh and fun. What’s more, I somehow got pretty good at it. By the end of my time playing it, I was consistently getting first, second, or third place in matches, which shocked me every time. The only bummer was the way you bought items. It costs way, way too much real money to unlock guns permanently, which makes me sad, because I would have totally given them money if that wasn’t the case. Still, you don’t need to pay money to have a great time. If you want a free multiplayer shooter, Blacklight is actually really good. Download it on Steam, shoot some dudes for a week, and enjoy yourself.

Virtue’s Last Reward
Horrible, unforgivable save bugs aside, this game really got its grips into me. However, then I got busy and didn’t finish the story. Shame on me. Still, I loved 999, and this game was, up to where I played, better than it in every way. It’s really good. I need to finish it. Since I didn’t finish it, I wouldn’t put it on any top 10 with a clean conscience. But seriously, I’m glad I bought it.

Orcs Must Die 2
I thought the first game was a fun little tower defense game, to be sure. But the sequel added co-op, which is a blast, plenty of new weapons and traps to try, a new character with different equipment, and way, way more content than the first game. They also changed the unlock system so you don’t have to grind levels over and over again, hoping to get one more skull, but can instead play a different mode or just get skulls for trying to beat your high score, even if you don’t. It’s basically the best tower defense game out there, and as you shoot orcs with your own weapons, you feel powerful, but not powerful enough to do it without traps. It hits a good medium there. Especially if you have a buddy, pick this up for cheap on Steam. You won’t be disappointed.

Persona 4 Arena
Goddamn, what a fun fighting game. I really felt like I had a good grip on it, too. It felt simultaneously more complicated than something like Street Fighter IV, but also more simple. Plus, I love Persona 4, and I was super attached to all the characters. Once our little tournament was over, I stopped training. I’m just not a repeat over and over kind of lady in general. But damn, it’s a fun little fighting game. Highly recommended.

Hotline Miami
So I just bought this like 3 days ago? I thought I understood it from watching CJ play it, but fuck, I did not. It is so intense and so fun, and the music! Oh fuck the music! This is a great game, and if I had grabbed it earlier, it may have snuck onto my list. As it is, though, just know murdering so many dudes never felt so good, and leave it at that.

Resident Evil: Revelaitons
Look, that’s how my box spells it, okay? But seriously, the 3DS Resident Evil had some problems. There aren’t many enemies, and the story is pretty awful, even for Resident Evil. But this is no RE6. The game plays great, just like RE5, but on the 3DS. Sure, you could use the circle pad pro to make aiming better, but it does not need it. The tense stopping to aim gameplay is fun as ever. I really enjoyed this, despite its flaws. If you like RE4 or 5, don’t let the mediocre reviews scare you away. Pick it up for cheap, and give it a try.

Home
This tiny little game has some really amazing ideas on what makes a good video game story. The way you shape the story is pretty genius, and the atmosphere, especially the sound design… fuck. The game pretty well terrified me. I jumped at several points, mostly from CJ walking in. It’s a great experience, it’s cheap, and you should spend the hour, maybe, it takes to play through it.

Frog Fractions
Hilarious and grin inducing. You should play Frog Fractions. Just don’t give up on it until you see what the Warp Drive does, okay?

And that’s it. Bye, 2012! Hello, 2013! Hope you’re as awesome as last year.

Okay, let’s keep this rolling with my top 5 games of 2012. Tomorrow I’ll give some honorable mentions that I couldn’t put on the top ten list for one reason or another, but I still think are pretty swell.

Number 5 – Binary Domain
Sega trying to do Gears of War sounds really terrible, but Binary Domain is something special. The voice commands just do not work. Don’t try them. But the smaller system of pressing buttons to respond to your allies’ comments is actually pretty cool. The combat is solid. The enemies are bullet sponges at times, but it’s still quite fun, and the upgrade system really does change you from a really weak character to a guy who can take a lot of abuse by the end of the game. The real spotlight here, though, is the story. All the characters seem like horrible caricatures, but end up being really well realized and endearing by the end of the game. There’s a crazy twist by the end of the game, but when you get there, you’re so engrossed in this weird world of French Robots and Cup Noodle that it makes perfect sense. Like Spec Ops, you’re probably best off just playing this one on easy and enjoying the story, but the story is super enjoyable, and you should really give it a try.

Number 4 – XCOM: Enemy Unknown
I must admit it’s kind of painful to put XCOM so low, but I couldn’t move my top three around to make room for it. So it goes here. In a different year, this could have been Number 1. But holy shit, XCOM. Obscenely addicting tactical combat that, unlike the original XCOM, clicked with me immediately. When I make mistakes, I know why, instead of just dying and being confused. There’s so much depth in setting up your team, determining what to fund when, balancing the needs of all the countries giving you money, and so on, that you can just play this game for HOURS. I don’t have much time for binge sessions of video games anymore. I tend to play in hour chunks, then quit. Even on my winter break here, that’s what I’ve been doing. I have only played XCOM in like 4-5 hour blocks. It is so good. SO GOOD. Play XCOM.

Number 3 – Cook, Serve, Delicious!
I e-mailed the guy who made this game, and I told him that it was one of my top games of the year. I meant it. Cook, Serve, Delicious! is some of the best fun I’ve had this year, hands down. This little restaurant simulator is so fast-paced and challenging, but in a way that slowly ramps up with you, so you never feel like you can’t do the crazy challenges it throws at you. The adrenaline I get when I play this game is insane. I cannot remember feeling so pumped and “in the zone” when playing a game since back when I was obsessed with Tetris Attack. Apparently this just came out on iPad as well, which seems like a good fit. You really need to give this game a try. Once it starts to click with you, it will not let go.

Number 2 – FTL: Faster Than Light
I played this game to death, but still, months later, I’d throw on a podcast and go, “I need something to play while I listen to this” and play a few more rounds. The game is so simple, but so deep. That feeling when I first beat the rebel flagship was AMAZING, even though it was on easy. I never thought I would! And still, I wanted more. I wanted to unlock more ships, which drastically change your playstyle. I wanted to try more weapon combinations and new types of crew. I wanted to see everything. The fact that you can pause this game at any time, and the combat still often feels overwhelmingly intense, says something about how awesome FTL is. The music is solid too. Fucking buy FTL right now.

Number 1 – The Walking Dead
The countdown to tears is over. Walking Dead made me cry at its ending, and I nearly teared up at several other points throughout the game. Few games have made me more attached to its characters, and the decision-making you do in this game feels so brutal constantly, even if I can realistically separate myself from the game and realize how much of it was smoke and mirrors. I have always supported Telltale Games, but with this game, they have really come into their own. I don’t give a shit about the comic, or the show, but I have constantly evangelized this game to everyone who would listen to me. The Walking Dead might not be the most game-like game, but it shows how the medium can be used to have a really, really affecting story that makes you feel like a game story might actually be able to stand up against a well-written TV show or movie. The Walking Dead is a triumph.

Tomorrow, I’ll talk about some stuff that couldn’t make my list, unfortunately. Have a fun New Year’s Eve, everyone.

Well, it’s been awhile since I blogged! Fuck, I’ve been busy. Then, when I wasn’t busy, I was doing things like playing video games and reading. I thought that was pretty fun! But the year is about over, so hey, let’s take a look at what my top 10 games of the year were. I didn’t review every game I played like previous years, because I was so busy, but still, this should give you a little idea of what I found particularly awesome this year. 6-10 today, top 5 tomorrow, honorable mentions the day after. Okay? Let’s do this.

Number 10 – Spec Ops: The Line
Spec Ops: The Line is not a perfect game by any means. The combat is completely fine, but there’s little to make it pop, perse. However, it is willing to have a strong story, and try to get that across. I’ve heard complaints that it is a bit heavy handed in its delivery of said story, and removes choice from you in parts. Maybe that’s the case, but I never felt that way. The story was moving and made me think, and the cleverness of using things like load screen tooltips to really set the paranoid, strange mood they were going for was really genius. If you haven’t played Spec Ops, pick the game up for cheap, set it to easy, and try the story. You won’t be disappointed.

Number 9 – Penny Arcade Adventures: Episode 3
I had thought that, other than the occasional Shin Megami Tensei game, I was pretty well done with Japanese-style RPGs. The combat felt so boring and I always felt like I was going through the motions. Somehow, Penny Arcade Adventures: Episode 3 managed to fix that. Classes like the Apocalyptor and Gardenar really change up the normal RPG combat. Trying to juggle prophecies with the Apocalyptor and setting up recurring buffs you don’t have to babysit with the Gardenar was really fun. The other classes were solid too: I really enjoyed the Crabomancer and it’s crazy defense. The way MP builds over time and makes you have to choose between waiting for a big attack, or using a skill now, was brilliant. And even though I don’t really follow Penny Arcade any more (they’ve just kind of rubbed me the wrong way one too many times) the writing was still fucking hilarious most of the way through. Plus, there’s furry mode DLC. This is a great little game to blaze through in an afternoon.

Number 8 – Mass Effect 3
It kind of makes me sad that this game is so low on my list. I LOVE Mass Effect as a series. However, the game really did have tons of problems, storywise and otherwise, that really hampered this offering. Still, I’m not sad that I took the journey. The combat in this game was top notch. My Engineer was more fun to play than ever, and there were some really great character moments in there, I must admit. Plus, the surprise of the century was that the multiplayer was really goddamn awesome, and I played it for quite some time with friends from work and just randoms. Being able to be an Engineer and sling spells instead of shooting made the standard horde mode game play way, way more fun for me. You should play Mass Effect 3, if you haven’t. Just don’t expect a masterpiece like the game that preceded it.

Number 7 – Paper Mario: Sticker Star
I love Paper Mario, and this game is no exception. Nintendo proves that it knows how to be damn funny when it wants to be, with dry humor all the way through the game that made me constantly grin. People were down on the combat system, but it never bothered me: I enjoyed the combat all the way through. The game does have some huge problems though, as it’s very obtuse, and requires you to basically lose boss battles a few times to figure out the trick if you aren’t just using a walkthrough. It’s kind of bullshit. Similarly, like so many Mario RPGs, the lass boss is obscenely hard and even more obtuse than the rest for no reason whatsoever, causing me to get to the last boss and stop. Still, it was one of the more enjoyable experiences I had on my 3DS so far, and I do recommend it.

Number 6 – Dragon’s Dogma
Dragon’s Dogma is a mess, but it’s such an endearing and fun mess, that you can’t really fault it that much. Capcom’s attempt at making Skyrim was clearly a failure, but they made a weird RPG where you raise and share NPCs and engage in an obscenely fun combat system. You have to repeat some fights as you wander around the huge world, but these fights never feel like a chore. They’re always action packed and fun. Similarly, your pawns, which you’d think would get annoying with all their repeated phrases and whatnot, actually get extremely endearing. They feel like your dumb little kids, and I personally enjoyed their company. You can look at all the parts of Dragon’s Dogma, and say that each part of it is weak, but somehow it adds up to an extremely fun whole. And I mean, that title screen song, goodness. Stick with it until the drop.

Anyway, come back tomorrow for my top 5! Or not. But it would be cool if you would.

Dang, yo, even though I don’t blog all that often any more, I still collect tabs with cool links. I have so many tabs open in Chrome right now I cannot see the little icons on the tabs! Let’s do a good ol’ fashioned link dump and clear them out, shall we?

This is me in my Halloween costume. Yep.

Life is hard for such people. It really is.

As much as I don’t like dressing up dogs, people often do awesome shit with it.

Poor Will Smith.

Sweet tricks on a four-wheeled device, Slender.

Cat Pokemon: Best thing.

Three Word Phrase is normally amazing, but this is one of the best comics he’s ever done, to be sure.

HOW I HOLD POPCORN?

They’re pretty sad.

They’re really going at it. (Who makes this shit?)

A thorough plan of action.

VAMPIRE DOG!

Let’s rock out!

The hottest new magazine for game developers!

Corgis rule.

This man knows how to enjoy a beverage.

Yes, this is another pony comic. Huzzah!

Yes, applause is appropriate.

Finally, the most excited puppy dog.

Whew! That was a lot of links! Thanks for helping me unload them!

Sometimes I really wonder about myself. More and more often, I’ll just be overcome by waves of panic. I’ll just have this feeling something is wrong, or I’ve done something wrong. It’s a really shitty feeling. I’m nervous constantly. I’m honestly really fucking tired of it. I mean, I have people who support me and calm me down, but it’s annoying to me that they have to. I should be able to stand on my own. I shouldn’t spend every morning curled up in a ball, freaking out about not having something done. I shouldn’t be so nervous and worked up that when I pull out of the driveway, I accidentally bump into my boyfriend’s car and scratch the paint because I’m having trouble focusing on such a simple task. That shouldn’t be how I live my life. I really wonder what’s changed and what I can do about this… Bleh.

On a more positive note, though, it’s Halloween tomorrow, and I have a costume. This is totally weird. I never even thought of trying to have a costume, because it wasn’t like I could be any character I actually wanted to be because of gender bullshit. This is the first year where that’s not been an issue, and I took action on it, and I’m really excited to wear my dumb Twilight Sparkle outfit out and about. I really, truly am. I’m a lame brony furry person, but fuck it, I get to dress up how I want to and that rules. RULES. I am so excited. I hope people don’t mind pictures of my outfit being shared, because it will happen.

I have been playing Virtue’s Last Reward. More about that later, probably, but it is awesome. The thing is, though, the 3DS version has some really horrible bugs that can wipe your progress, which is just… ugh. How did those not get fixed while they were translating? It’s a damn shame. Apparently the Vita version does not have these problems, but I don’t have a Vita, so I had to get the 3DS version. It just really bums me out, but at least I know about the bugs and can play around them. If you’re going to play the game, do, but be sure to check up on the bugs first so you don’t lose a lot of progress.

Anyway, I guess I should get back to teaching instead of rambling. Whee.

So here’s a blog about some really potentially awkward stuff relating to, you know, sex. Not that I’m going to get all graphic or whatever. But if that’s not something you want to know about me, this isn’t the blog for you. But this is a thing I’m trying to think out, so I write about it, so… uh, anyway…

You alright with everything? Sure? Alright, cool.

For awhile now, basically all my sexual fantasies have been about women.

Now, I mean, sure, that’s not weird. I mean, you know, I like ladies. Ladies are a thing I like. And there’s nothing wrong with having a sexy daydream now and again. But it’s just kind of getting to the point where it’s bothering me. I find myself wandering off in these thought processes when I have a lovely jackal like 3 feet away who would throw me onto the bed and do so many nice things with me if I even vaguely mentioned it. If I’m horny, I have a fantastic solution. But my head never seems to click into that. It clicks into ladies. And this frustrates me because, again, nice boyfriend jackal I would like to be intimate with more often, but my head isn’t cooperating.

I wouldn’t normally be writing about all that, but recently I came up with a theory as to why, so I thought I’d run it by you.

I want to do the sexy times with ladies instead of my man because some subconscious part of me thinks it is safer.

When I do things with my boyfriend, there are a lot of things I cannot do that I desperately want to do. I am physically incapable as I am now. Hopefully someday that will not be the case, but for now, it’s just a fact. He’s lovely, and he’s sweet, and he makes me melt and get into this quite subby mode most of the time. And I sit there, squirming and making happy noises and stuff. And my brain… starts thinking about what I want to do. Which are things I cannot do. But I want them. I want them so bad. But I can’t do them. And this works me into a sort of panic. When the time comes to do the things I can do, often this will set me off and I’ll start crying and generally be fucking lame. Overall, this stuff is worth it. I am so lucky I have a partner who will take it slow and understands my issues here. I am so fucking lucky, for serious. But it’s disappointing every time I break down like that, and it keeps happening. I don’t want that disappointment. Preferably this would happen with me getting over my stupid self and just, you know, enjoying myself. But I’m so wrapped up in mental bullshit, that’s hard to do.

I feel like my body is trying to keep me away from that. Generally, with women, I am much more dom. I am in control. When I am in control, anything I don’t want to happen or I’m worried about clearly won’t happen. And so, my subconscious goes, if you were having sex with a lady, you wouldn’t be having these issues.

I don’t really believe I wouldn’t be having similar problems. I know I would, in fact. Hell, I do take a more dommy role at times with my jackal too, and while I do tend to keep myself under control more, I still freak out. If that’s all it is that’s supposed to protect me, I can do that now, if I wanted to, and do, from time to time. Still, problems are there. Since I’m not in a “sex with a lady is possible” situation right now, I can’t PROVE that I would have similar problems to the little voices in my head, you know? So they say I wouldn’t. And I fantasize about that. And here we are.

Basically, my mind and my body are the lamest goddamn things. Maybe now that I’ve rationalized why I’m thinking the way I am, I can move past it and get back to enjoying myself. I hope so.

Yesterday, I felt horrible. I was so constantly nervous I was sick to my stomach. I didn’t feel like I could interact with anyone. I felt useless and awful and wanted to no longer exist.

This morning I feel perfectly fine. Not happy, perse. I mean, I’m up early to work and I have to get going to work soon. Hard to be super pumped about that. But I’m functional. I don’t feel like garbage. I’m fine.

Hormones are scary shit.

The theory on why yesterday was such a horrible situation for me revolved around me forgetting to take a pill the day before. See, most of my pills I take in the morning. I never forget those. I take them when I get up with a little breakfast. But one particular pill I have to take twice a day. I’m supposed to take them with food, so I always try to wait until dinner, but often I’m out of the house, or doing this or that, and I totally forget. Most of the time I end up taking them late, but I still take them, and it’s not a huge deal. (Mostly, because that pill is a diuretic, I have to get up in the middle of the night for a bathroom break if I take them late, but that’s the only bad side effect.) The day before yesterday, though, I was so tired and burnt out, I just went straight to bed and didn’t take them at all.

Then yesterday happened. I didn’t put two and two together. The pill in question is a testosterone suppressant. Testosterone is supposed to make you angry, not depressed, right? Plus, most of the rare times when I miss those pills, I do feel a little down, but nothing near this bad. Then again, that night before was kind of a shitty night, and that morning I broke my cell phone, so those things probably compounded to set off a depression attack.

Basically, it honestly just kind of scares me that such things can fuck me up so much. Like, I know, on an intellectual level, that these hormones and things run this stuff in my body. I do get that. But it’s still really disturbing to look back at myself, a mess, and realize that it was a stupid little pill so small that I could fit like 3 of them on a penny that was the culprit. I mean, I know my body SHOULD be taking care of this stuff without help, but it doesn’t, so here I am. And I’m silly. And I forget. And then horrible hide in bed suicidal day occurs. So shitty.

I’m going to do my best not to let that happen again.

I don’t really know why I’m back in the groove of blogging more often, but I guess I won’t complain.

I do some really annoying shit sometimes. Like, I’m in a fucking fantastic relationship, one I hope lasts for as long as I can imagine existing. I’m so happy. But I’m stupid. I’m bisexual. I like ladies. I often want to hug on them and smooch them. So I get into these moments when I’m just kind of obsessed with doing so. It makes me feel very ungrateful for what I have, which is shitty. I don’t think CJ minds too much, though, seeing as he sneaks me dirty pictures of ladies he thinks I’ll like on a regular basis.

The point is, I was in one of those moods, and I decided I was going to try to deal with it for once by watching a show about ladies smooching. I asked twitter, and an expert on romantic anime and things of that nature got back to me (thanks, tungwene!) and suggested I watch a show called Aoi Hana. I sought it out, tried it, and it was exactly what I was wanting. So awesome. I mean, it has that thing where they’re making a short series from a long-running manga, which means everything is not wrapped up completely at the end? That’s kind of frustrating. But what’s there is very well done and very engaging. It’s awesome.

Seriously, you look at anime, and you just despair in general, but shows like this kind of make you regain faith in humanity. The main character, Fumi, being gay isn’t like… a thing for fanservice, or a thing just thrown in there. It’s as complicated as it is at that age, especially in Japan, which is kind of accepting of such things but kind of not. Add to that that she’s friends with a bunch of people going to a Catholic school, or at least what looks like one to me, and it really gets tense. There’s this great scene where she feels like she has to come out to her good friend Aachan, and she’s sobbing and saying “Please don’t think I’m disgusting…” and it’s just heartbreaking. I mean, you kind of know it’s not going to be a problem? The two of them are in the opening sequence running about, hand in hand, and even naked at one point. But it’s just… realistic, I feel. I certainly freaked out similarly coming out to people close to me.

At the same time, it’s not like “I’m a lesbian” is her complete character. She’s a person, and while the relationship concerns of a teenager are aimed at girls and not boys, she still acts like a teenager and an actual human being would at most points. Near the end of the series, there was a situation set up where Fumi saw Aachan shopping with a boy, and freaked out about it. I said to myself, “Oh no, not a WACKY MISUNDERSTANDING that’s going to set off fights for a long while! How stupid.” But it wasn’t like that at all. She moped about it for awhile, then almost instantly sought an explanation for what happened, and moved on. You know, like a person would, and not a sitcom character. I breathed a sigh of relief there.

It’s a good show, is what I’m saying.

Anyway, it got me thinking about why I can watch this sort of thing. I enjoy this kind of character and romance driven drama quite a bit, when I find one that works for me. It often leaves me a bit depressed, or worked up, in the way that something dramatic and sad can move you, though. This is a feeling I tend to avoid, thanks to years of being depressed and not wanting to set off an episode. Avoiding that feeling is something that keeps me from watching all these dramas that CJ likes with him, because I just don’t want to deal with that. Yet when the plot is romance-based, I dive right in. I feel like such a girl. Heh. I don’t know. I’ve always been more interested in character interaction than plot, and when the plot is based almost solely on romance, that’s what you get. Lots and lots of character interaction. Maybe it’s as simple as that. I don’t know.

Whatever reason I can watch it, though, I’m glad I did. If you like that sort of thing, you should check it out too, okay?

Oh, yesterday, my final article went up on On The Stick. It’s about Corpse Party, and it’s right here. I ended up writing articles about a lot of different things, but this is the one I originally wanted to do. Few games have creeped me out like this game, and I just doubted that many people heard of it. So I thought maybe I’d spread the word just a tiny bit. Do my part. Etc.

That’s it from me for this year’s 31 More Days of Horror Games! I’m sure I’ll help out with whatever else they do next year, but seriously, be sure to finish reading all the rest of the articles. They’re all PRETTY SWEET!

I had a dream Tuesday night, but not like a Martin Luther King Jr. dream. You know, a dream, dream. It was also really weird and kind of upsetting, but I wouldn’t classify it as a nightmare. I didn’t wake up all flustered and messed up like I do so often from nightmares. I don’t know what to think about it.

I was myself, with my body, in this dream, which is odd in itself. Normally I’m just kind of a formless blob of me-conciousness, but I have no real concept of my form in the dream. Probably comes from years of feeling basically disassociated with my body, I guess. Anyway, I was on some sort of college campus, and there was some sort of big event going on. However, I had ducked out. I was in some side hallway a bit off of where things where going on. There were offices and meetings around, and bathrooms. Some people were working in the offices. Every so often someone from the show would pass on the way to the bathroom.

For whatever reason, someone I haven’t really seen since high school came up to me and started a conversation. (I recognized him. He wasn’t just like… generic guy that in dream-logic I knew from high school. I’m just not going to name him for reasons that will be obvious in a second here.) I seem to remember being worried that things were going to be awkward, what with all my changes, but no, he was being nice, and we were talking and having a good time. We started walking deeper back into the hallway. Once we got a little farther away from everything, though, he started gently but firmly pushing me to my knees. Not saying anything. Just did it. It was a command, but it wasn’t like… do this or I’ll hurt you? He seemed to just assume I would. I was confused as shit, but being the dumb submissive bitch I am, fell down to my knees. You can then maybe guess where this is going. In that same insistent, but not attacking manner, he forced me to give him a blowjob. I was worried as shit in the dream for a variety of reasons, a big one being getting caught, because people could still walk past, and also what CJ would think of this happening to me. But for whatever frustrating in retrospect reason, I wouldn’t put up anything more than token resistance. I was in full-on submission mode.

Then I woke up.

I really don’t know what to make of this. As far as the guy in the dream goes, we were on friendly terms, but never really close. He was closer to some other friends of mine, so we often were in the same place and were acquainted that way, you know? Last time I saw him, at our class reunion, he still used the wrong pronouns with me (not surprising, as he probably just found out like that day about everything) and we didn’t really talk much. I always thought he was a cool enough guy, but the way he treated women always bothered me. He kind of treated them like shit, with constant “jokey” sexist stuff pretty well constantly that I couldn’t help but take as serious since it was basically all he did. Yet everyone said he was a perfect gentleman and great to his girlfriends, so who knows. I do know it bothered the shit out of me that there was such a clear difference in how he treated guys and girls, and I was on the wrong side of that. I remember getting very upset about that and trying to hide it when I was around him and a girlfriend. Maybe there’s something there with all that?

It also just kind of disturbs me after the fact that what happened in the dream was rape-like in nature. I remember distinctly not WANTING to do that. I just didn’t feel like I could say no. And that experience resulted in me waking up calm and collected, whereas dreams about stupid shit like “I can’t get back to Cape in time to teach my class” have me freaking out and needing to just lie there and breathe for awhile to be able to function when I wake up, because I’m so nervous and overwhelmed. Why was my subconscious okay with that?

Is this some sort of fucked up thing where I want to be treated like garbage like that because then I’m “in” and have more of a claim to being myself? Because that is a shitty thing for my subconscious to think. But it’s not like I really get sexist treatment. At least, I haven’t really experienced much of it. Granted, I’m normally in the classroom in a position of power, being the teacher, and I’m normally putting off a pretty masculine aura, even when I don’t mean to. I mean, I don’t mind. I’m just being myself. But like… when I address guys, I address them on wavelength similar to two guys talking to each other, because I know how to do that. I know that quiet, unwritten kind of code, seeing as I had to decipher it to survive through my childhood. I don’t think that’s a bad thing, perse. But I do think that, likely, if I was going to get any of that kind of treatment, that shuts that down in people’s heads a lot quicker and it doesn’t happen. I get a lot more harassment on homosexual sort of grounds than sexist stuff. (Not that I get that a lot either, but, you know, plenty of people yelling at me out of cars as they drive by. Joy.) I don’t know. Does all that even make sense? I certainly have been reading a lot about people being complete fucking creepy assholes to women lately. I could believe all that was in my head.

I really just don’t know. Trying to interpret dreams is kind of hard. Thoughts?