The Blogtastic Blogfest That Is Getmeoutofthis.net!

I had a dream Tuesday night, but not like a Martin Luther King Jr. dream. You know, a dream, dream. It was also really weird and kind of upsetting, but I wouldn’t classify it as a nightmare. I didn’t wake up all flustered and messed up like I do so often from nightmares. I don’t know what to think about it.

I was myself, with my body, in this dream, which is odd in itself. Normally I’m just kind of a formless blob of me-conciousness, but I have no real concept of my form in the dream. Probably comes from years of feeling basically disassociated with my body, I guess. Anyway, I was on some sort of college campus, and there was some sort of big event going on. However, I had ducked out. I was in some side hallway a bit off of where things where going on. There were offices and meetings around, and bathrooms. Some people were working in the offices. Every so often someone from the show would pass on the way to the bathroom.

For whatever reason, someone I haven’t really seen since high school came up to me and started a conversation. (I recognized him. He wasn’t just like… generic guy that in dream-logic I knew from high school. I’m just not going to name him for reasons that will be obvious in a second here.) I seem to remember being worried that things were going to be awkward, what with all my changes, but no, he was being nice, and we were talking and having a good time. We started walking deeper back into the hallway. Once we got a little farther away from everything, though, he started gently but firmly pushing me to my knees. Not saying anything. Just did it. It was a command, but it wasn’t like… do this or I’ll hurt you? He seemed to just assume I would. I was confused as shit, but being the dumb submissive bitch I am, fell down to my knees. You can then maybe guess where this is going. In that same insistent, but not attacking manner, he forced me to give him a blowjob. I was worried as shit in the dream for a variety of reasons, a big one being getting caught, because people could still walk past, and also what CJ would think of this happening to me. But for whatever frustrating in retrospect reason, I wouldn’t put up anything more than token resistance. I was in full-on submission mode.

Then I woke up.

I really don’t know what to make of this. As far as the guy in the dream goes, we were on friendly terms, but never really close. He was closer to some other friends of mine, so we often were in the same place and were acquainted that way, you know? Last time I saw him, at our class reunion, he still used the wrong pronouns with me (not surprising, as he probably just found out like that day about everything) and we didn’t really talk much. I always thought he was a cool enough guy, but the way he treated women always bothered me. He kind of treated them like shit, with constant “jokey” sexist stuff pretty well constantly that I couldn’t help but take as serious since it was basically all he did. Yet everyone said he was a perfect gentleman and great to his girlfriends, so who knows. I do know it bothered the shit out of me that there was such a clear difference in how he treated guys and girls, and I was on the wrong side of that. I remember getting very upset about that and trying to hide it when I was around him and a girlfriend. Maybe there’s something there with all that?

It also just kind of disturbs me after the fact that what happened in the dream was rape-like in nature. I remember distinctly not WANTING to do that. I just didn’t feel like I could say no. And that experience resulted in me waking up calm and collected, whereas dreams about stupid shit like “I can’t get back to Cape in time to teach my class” have me freaking out and needing to just lie there and breathe for awhile to be able to function when I wake up, because I’m so nervous and overwhelmed. Why was my subconscious okay with that?

Is this some sort of fucked up thing where I want to be treated like garbage like that because then I’m “in” and have more of a claim to being myself? Because that is a shitty thing for my subconscious to think. But it’s not like I really get sexist treatment. At least, I haven’t really experienced much of it. Granted, I’m normally in the classroom in a position of power, being the teacher, and I’m normally putting off a pretty masculine aura, even when I don’t mean to. I mean, I don’t mind. I’m just being myself. But like… when I address guys, I address them on wavelength similar to two guys talking to each other, because I know how to do that. I know that quiet, unwritten kind of code, seeing as I had to decipher it to survive through my childhood. I don’t think that’s a bad thing, perse. But I do think that, likely, if I was going to get any of that kind of treatment, that shuts that down in people’s heads a lot quicker and it doesn’t happen. I get a lot more harassment on homosexual sort of grounds than sexist stuff. (Not that I get that a lot either, but, you know, plenty of people yelling at me out of cars as they drive by. Joy.) I don’t know. Does all that even make sense? I certainly have been reading a lot about people being complete fucking creepy assholes to women lately. I could believe all that was in my head.

I really just don’t know. Trying to interpret dreams is kind of hard. Thoughts?