The Blogtastic Blogfest That Is Getmeoutofthis.net!

Today I gave a test, which is kind of the first actual like… test test I’ve given. I’ve always been a writing teacher. No tests there! Tests are stupid in a writing class. So I gave one this time, because I am teaching a non-writing class, so that seemed like the thing to do. It was a long test. Maybe it shouldn’t have been? I figured more questions = more room for error, so I went all out. But I’m new at this test-giving thing.

But during this test… well, I have to tell a story of what happened during this test.

So the test is in two parts. Part One is all open computer. It’s about research skills and whatnot, so they can look up whatever they want on the computer in front of them. Part Two is closed-book or whatever. No computer during that part. They have to give me Part One back before I give them Part Two to do, and once they turn in Part One, they’re in deep shit if they use their computers.
I hand out Part One, and everyone gets going. Of the two problem guys I talked about before, only one of them has decided to show up for the test. He’s clearly not working too hard on the test. I see him pull out his cell phone at least once during it. But fuck, it’s part one, he has the whole internet to refer to, so I don’t much care if he does something stupid with his phone. If he’s really having someone text him answers, more power to him. That has to be way the fuck more work than just looking them up in an online dictionary like he’s supposed to for the test.

Anyway, time passes. There’s maybe 10 minutes left of the test. He hasn’t even turned in part one yet. He packs up all his books, comes up to the front, and says “Hey, I gotta leave, I’ll finish that for homework.”
So, of course, I go, “No, you won’t, this is a test.”
He seems confused. “What?”
“This is our first test. We’ve been talking about it for over a week.”
“So I can’t finish it at home?”
“No, it’s a test.”
He pulls the test out of his bag where he had placed it, hands it to me, and walks out. I flip through it. He’s maybe, MAYBE halfway done with Part One after the hour and 15 minutes of this test. I staple a blank Part Two to his test, and put it away.

I was just kind of floored. I mean, if you aren’t going to take the test, don’t show up, right? A better use of your time, right? But I’m just more shocked that he didn’t realize it was a test when I really have been talking about it for awhile, and I had Test-taking procedures written on the board, and the damn thing said “test” on it. The note I left on the board of the normal classroom to point him to the computer lab to begin with said that my class was “in the computer lab for test-taking times.” It’s not like this was a secret.

This whole scenario just involves a level of not paying attention that I cannot even fathom. Why is he here? Why does he keep showing up only to leave in the middle of class, or walk out in the middle and walk back in right when everyone is packing up? He doesn’t participate in activities. He doesn’t do homework. Why is he wasting two hours a day attending my classes? I want to understand, but back when I was a slacker, I wasted my time wisely. I stayed at home and played video games. I didn’t go and sit through classes I didn’t want to be in. I did something fun instead! Why isn’t he off doing something he finds more valuable?

Again, I was a shitty student once, mostly due to depression. I always feel like I understand the students who don’t show up or don’t do homework because I have been there. I think they should do those things, but I get why they don’t, and I don’t take it personal. It’s their tuition money to waste how they like. But this guy… I just don’t know. I can’t understand it. I mean, if he’s not disrupting the class, it’s fine. Him not taking this test for no reason didn’t hurt the other students, so whatever. But goodness. What’s his motivation? I want to know what makes him tick.

Well, the trip is over, and this’ll be the last of the little visit blogs, I suppose. Back to my normal blogging stupidity tomorrow.

Our last day together was nice, but much too short, of course. I taught, and he made French Toast, which I had shown him how to make. It turned out well! Then we left for St. Louis. We had some sushi! I had had sushi before, but only like… shitty sushi, and not like… a meal of it. Just like a single sushi people had handed me to try. It was really good! I really enjoyed it, even though I made a fool of myself with chopsticks. The lady at the restaurant swooped in with a fork for me, and kept giving me sushi lessons because she could tell I was completely clueless. It was very appreciated.

Then we drove past the arch, so he could see it, and then we went to the airport. We parked and I cried a lot again. I wasn’t going to, dammit. But I did. He was all “It’s going to be okay” and had, several days ago, bought tissues intelligently, and had some to give me. I got my crying done, and then we played one more game of Carcasssonne. Then I dropped him off. We hugged and kissed, and hugged some more. And that was it. I drove away.

His texts since were very sad. I’m all scared that he got emotional after I left, because he felt he couldn’t with all my stupid crying. But he’s home safe, so that’s good.

If there’s one thing this trip taught me, it’s this: I did so much worrying about making this a relationship. I was so scared about getting hurt again, about hurting Brer, about so many things. I wanted it, but I didn’t think life would let me have it. Well, it has. It has, and it’s wonderful. It was the right decision. It was all the right decision. Maybe at some point in the future things fall apart. I don’t think it will, at least not in a huge disaster way, but that happens to things sometimes. If it does, so be it. But the time I’m having now will make it all worth it. This is something worth trying for. With Brer and Aesa… people who love me by my side… how can things be bad? How can life be shitty with so much love?

It can’t be. It can’t be.

Another day down! It’s almost over…! That’s unfortunate. Still, it was time to do some cool shit, so we did some cool shit, I suppose! Yay.

We were mostly lazy. We threw down in some more YDKJ, for instance, and we watched more stuff. I showed him the joys of Mah Jong anime, for example, because I am lame. Who wouldn’t want to be shown that! Most people, I guess, but that’s nothing to concern yourself with.

But yeah, we cooked some rice and marinaded some chicken. We played Kirby’s Return to Dreamland and Kirby’s Dream Course! He seemed to enjoy both.

Then we sat down to dinner and I started crying because the trip was almost over.
It was kind of stupid. We still had all night and a lot of today left. But I just couldn’t help myself. I never realized how depressed I really was until I stopped being depressed, you know? And then I’m like “woah.” In the same way, I never really understood how empty this house felt and how much I wished my loves were here until one was here, and I was just doing my daily work shit and stuff, nothing special, and it was wonderful. I was hit with preemptive loneliness. I mean, I know it’s temporary. Brer will get here. Aesa will visit again. But fuck. Heh.

Anyway, so we went over to my brother’s watched some Puppy Bowl and played some Dominion (which I somehow squeaked out a win for out of nowhere! Yay me!) and then watched Tangled, which neither of us had seen. Tangled was really good, by the way. A children’s film, of course, but quite entertaining. I liked how they messed with the Rapunzel story and whatnot. Plus having watched it, I can now appreciate this fanart more, which is always nice.

Anyway, last day. Going to try to keep it together and have fun. Also do a ton of work. Goodness, so much work.

Today we watched some movie films, and played some vidjeo gaemz. We also went to the home of the thrown rolls! It was fun.

Basically, we woke up, and made a homemade pizza. Like, for serious. Aesa made dough, and I fried some beef for toppings, and we cheesed it and everything and cooked it. It was pretty darn good! It took awhile to make, but it was fun, and delicious.

While we ate that, we watched The Producers. The musical version, not the original. Aesa hadn’t seen it, and I wanted to show him. I think he liked it? I don’t think all of the over-the-top exaggerated stage humor in the movie completely clicked with him. But in general, he found it an entertaining film! Which is was. Though I still don’t know why the hell they cut out King of Broadway.

After that, we played some games. We beat the first level of FThreeEAR, which was… bad. I dunno. It is definitely a shooter, and the sort of thing I would play all the way through with a friend. But Aesa is a PC gamer person, and wasn’t too good with the controller and not used to the small view of a split screen game, and it just kind of caused problems. It happens! We switched to YDKJ after that, though, and then things got more awesome. We also threw down in some Carcassonne, which he squeaked out two victories in versus my one. Can’t believe that guy.

We also ate at Lambert’s. Because, you know, if you’re visiting this part of Missouri, I felt like it was necessary. It was a damn good meal. Aesa liked it! But we got all gypped on the roll-throwing! The only rolls thrown at us were from a distance of about a foot away! Totally unimpressive.

Finally, we ended up bumping into Essner at the grocery store before we went to watch The Fantastic Mr. Fox, another movie Aesa had not seen and I felt he needed to see. The Essner encounter was… odd. He was obviously a bit uncomfortable. I could theorize as to why, but, you know. Hopefully in the long run it’s not a big deal.

The trip is winding to a close. That’s… sad. I’ve really gotten used to him being here. Having someone here is very nice. Dammit, Brer, get your ass down here faster! Beat up the Wal-Mart corporation until they let you transfer! It’s going to be real lonely when he leaves…

Another visit day down!

It started with a really good peer review session (seriously, my students were totally into it! Always nice) and then it went pretty good after that! Pretty really good. Like good pretty really pretty good good really. You know, words in a sequence to denote a day being good!

We did the class, and then I showed Aesa around town. I don’t know if he really cared? But it seemed like a town tour was the sort of thing one does. So I showed him where I worked, and where I went to school, and I showed him the river, and so on and so forth. Surely seeing where I went to high school is SUPER EXCITING! Something like that.

In any case, we had a pretty good time. We mostly just snuggled up on the couch and made ample use of Netflix, which was cool. That was something I don’t get to do very often.

In the evening, though, we went out to eat with my parents. I couldn’t stay stuff to them about our relationship. I just… bleh, I wanted to. I really did! But I couldn’t have that fight right now, and Aesa was telling me NOT to have that fight anyway. Still, the dinner went great. Aesa made a great impression on them, and I tried frog legs and crawdads for the first time. They were both… fine? But I’m not going to go out of my way to get them again. Heh.

Anyway, it was an uneventful, but nice, day. I have no complaints.

I’m going to let the horrible, ridiculous, nonsensical word order of the last post stand. Let it be known and I was stupid and writing a blog quickly. LET IT BE KNOWN.

Anyway, here’s a rundown of the key things that happened yesterday.

1) Aesa cooked me lots of nice food because Aesa is awesome! Seriously, made some lovely pork chops and a nice breakfast burrito. Yay food!

2) I got confirmation from my boss that the syllabus thing I freaked out about awhile ago is officially Not A Big Deal (TM) and has been dealt with, so that’s nice. Now I can be extra sure that any sort of insane reaction or worry is, in fact, insane.

3) Aesa and Q went from a questionable alliance to mostly getting along. Q is still not used to someone else being here all the time. He growls at Aesa when he’s in places people who aren’t me and him don’t normally go. But it’s just a little growl. He’s never snappy or mean or even loud about it. You just give him a pet and he’s fine. Heh.

4) Kenny started work at Kohl’s, and he even wrote me a card thanking me for helping him get his first job! I just wish I had gotten him a better one. Kohl’s isn’t great! But still, when you’re starting with nothing, it’s something! I hope he likes it and it helps him out. It was really nice of him to make that card.

Anyway, we’ll see what happens in this new day. I didn’t get much relaxing with Aesa time because of work, but now I am work-free! So.

Aesa is here. He arrived fine. Things are going great!

We talked about how generally boring I am food-wise, so it was decided I should be forced to broaden my horizons a bit. Apparently that means eating Pho, so we found a Vietnamese restaurant in St. Louis to try, called Pho Grand. It was apparently on The Loop, which surprised me when we got there. I don’t know why. I just figured it would be more out of the way, I guess.

The restaurant was small, but very nicely decorated. Service was also fantastic, but then again, when we sat down to eat, we were the only people there, so one would hope! (That changed by the time the meal was done.)

I had the thing you were supposed to get, apparently, which was this beef noodle soup. It was pretty good! It freaked me out a lot because it was really different. I’m just not used to things tasting outside my normal range. It’s normally just a combination of tastes I know. But this had a strong taste I can’t quite place that was very good. Kind of a calm taste over it all. It was also weird because, as Aesa said, it was a very “make your own” soup, with you getting a bunch of stuff to throw in it and you need to add all these sauces.

I, of course, didn’t know how to use chopsticks. So I had a hard time eating it with a fork. I also put in way to much of the rooster sauce stuff, which came back to haunt me near the end of the meal! Rookie mistakes! Such a n00b.

Still, I would definitely try that sort of food again. I feel like I’d like a chicken one better? I’d probably get chicken next time instead of beef. Is that okay to do? Is that a fool’s errand with Pho? I dunno. Still, an adventure!

And after two days of emotional breakdown bullshit, I’m going mostly silent!
Yay?

Seriously, though, I’m picking up Aesa today. I need to sleep now so I can do that, as well as be awesome at my job interview tomorrow morning, and while he’s here, I’m just not going to be taking much time to blog. I have priorities! Of some sort, anyway. So, you know. Not going to be much blogging.

I am still going to post something, but I’d expect it to be mostly little autobiographical snippets of what I did with Aesa that day. Nothing truly interesting, I guess? But it’ll be something. I can’t stand the idea of posting nothing. I’m easily bothered by stupid things.

Anyway, that’s something to look forward (?) to this weekend. I’ll try to get this blog back to normal as soon as possible, promise.

I’m going to write about what happened, because I still don’t really know.

Basically, my boss e-mailed me saying that my syllabi were not up to the guidelines they have at the college. There were some crossed wires, and I didn’t do them right. He did not paint this as a big deal, but just laid out what the guidelines were to make sure I fixed it. I e-mailed him back, apologizing, and saying I’d fix them as soon as possible.

Then I freaked the fuck out.

For whatever reason, this bit of information caused me to panic so badly that I couldn’t work, couldn’t sleep, and still feel emotionally exhausted and taxed as I write this right now. I could not handle the fact that I had let my new boss down, who I feel has done a lot for me and put a lot of faith in me, on something so trivial that caused him to waste his time chasing me down. This minor setback, in the grand scheme, was, in my head, a herald of how terrible a teacher I am and how I can’t cut it. This is not true. I’m a great teacher, and I know it. I make mistakes like everyone, and I’m learning these new classes, but I am a great teacher. But in that moment, I was convinced. I had wondered if I was doing those right, and had decided that it was fine, and that turned out wrong. I was a failure.

I called people. I freaked out. It took me hours to calm down so I could sleep, and again, I’m still shaken. I can’t remember the last time I have fallen apart like this. It’s literally been years since I had such a downward spiral where I was convinced of my own worthlessness. I’ve been getting help. I’ve been transitioning. These aren’t thoughts I have every moment of the day anymore. But here we are.

Brer says I’m under a lot of stress. I agreed to this trip, which I’m worried about planning. I’m working more than ever before, with classes I’m unfamiliar with and a sleep schedule I still haven’t totally gotten the hang of. I’m running this Mafia game, which takes a lot of work and I take probably way too seriously than I should. I’ve got a lot of plates spinning. He says that for whatever reason, this just ended up being the thing that opened the floodgates. I guess I can understand that. But that doesn’t leave me with much knowledge of what to do about it. None of these things are things I’m willing to let go, and I’ve got this job interview Wednesday which, if I get it, means even MORE stress for this semester. Plus, Brer moving in, waiting and figuring all that out… I don’t know what I can do to relieve that pressure if that’s really what’s going on.

I just… I wonder if that stress is why I’ve been feeling sick to my stomach all the time. Not like, enough to throw up or for it to stop me? But just a general feeling. I don’t know.

I’m going to get what I need to do done. I’m going to let Aesa visiting help relax me. I’m going to survive. That was never in question. I’m no longer in the ending it all business. I’m going to survive.

I just hope stupidity like last night doesn’t happen again.

I freaked out like an idiot last night. I still feel terrible. Everything must be perfect, but things fell out of place. I’ve been trying hard to not go overboard on being down on myself for something that, in the long run, will not be anything.

Anyway, so there’s probably not going to be any content worthwhile here today… sorry.