The Blogtastic Blogfest That Is Getmeoutofthis.net!

Today I am going to see my psychologist, and I’m kind of dreading it.

I just feel like I’m in a weird place in my relationship with her. There was a time when she was a huge help, a huge motivator, and a huge balancing force in my life. I needed to go and see her and talk to her. I had lists of things to talk to her about every week, and often didn’t get to them all. I then got to a point where I needed her for other reasons. I needed her to help me get on hormones, get things started, make sure I’m not forgetting anything dumb about transitioning, and be there as a guide to answer questions.

Now, I don’t know why I go. I have to wrack my brain for things to talk about that I actually want to talk about. I mostly just end up telling her about significant things I did, which, I mean, I already kind of do here with you, blog, so that seems a bit unnecessary. It’s just this formality, for the most part, that costs me quite a lot of money and quite a lot of time.

Occasionally, I do have something I want to really talk about, but more and more, I am finding it to be something that I have trouble doing. Bringing up things I find important feels difficult to do, because in a lot of ways, I feel like the sort of things I am bringing up now are things that she does not agree with. We’ll often get into conversations where she will stop me in the middle of a story I’m telling, and tell me how I should have done it, before I tell her about the outcome I got that I am very happy with. I often feel like I am put on trial, in a sense, having to somehow justify decisions I should not have to justify. It just feels awkward, in a space where I’m supposed to feel safe to speak my mind, to feel like I have to hold back how I feel or somehow temper it to sound like something she can support. I mean, it’s not like I’m talking about unhealthy things here. It’d be different if I was talking about something that was causing me harm. But it’s not that sort of stuff. I mean, like, we had a conversation about polyamory, and she is clearly pretty against it. But that’s a thing I’m doing and, frankly, with Aesa moving here and everything getting crazy, is the big thing on my mind right now. But now I feel like I can’t talk about it to some extent. I mean, I don’t feel ashamed about my decisions, and the relationships I am in. Fuck no. I just really rather hate confrontation. If I have to defend myself, why am I even going? If this isn’t a place where I can relax and talk about my problems and feelings, what’s the purpose? If the thing that’s supposed to help deal with my stress and problems is creating stress and problems, what’s the point? I kind of don’t know.

My psychologist is an awesome person. I have nothing but respect for her, and I would recommend her to anyone needing the sort of help I needed. But… well, I said to Kale the other day something along the lines of this: I am finally, truly feeling that my life is less a desperate run from disaster and despair on a day to day basis and more something I am establishing that I can be proud of. It shocked me to say that. It shocked me to say I felt I was on sure footing. But I am, for once. I can do this without that help now. I really believe that. I want to move on and live my life.

That’s it. That’s what this is. This is a tie that makes it clear where I’ve come from. This is a reminder of how much of a failure I was, of how much of a mess. I go there, and I feel like that mess again, and I leave, and I feel better to be away from it. I want to lose that connection. I want to finally just fucking be myself, without strings and caveats. I want to live a life that’s mine. I want to move on. I’ve seriously fucking forgotten what life was like before in a lot of ways, and I am so fucking glad I am at that point where I can forget how terrible I felt. But she is a constant reminder that I was not well, may still not be well. She makes me feel like I haven’t succeeded, not because of anything bad or wrong or disagreeable that she’s doing, but just because of what the memories connected to being there bring up in myself. It’s a 5 hour process of reminding myself that I’m broken, when I no longer feel that way the majority of the time.

Talking about this stuff can help. But goodness, I wonder how I explain all THAT to her.

You’ll never guess what I’ve been doing! Playing Mass Effect 3! Well, not a lot of it yet, but, you know. I’m working on it. In any case, I just felt like making a little list of what I am liking and what I am not liking and such right now. I will try to be spoiler-free, but, you know. Maybe something super small in there will bother you? And let’s make this clear: I’m enjoying the game, and think it is worth my time. I just, you know, have complaints. Who wouldn’t?

What I Like About Mass Effect 3 Thus Far

The Multiplayer: I really think the multiplayer is a lot of fun! It’s not the sort of thing that is going to keep people coming back for like, a year, to be sure, but it’s a really solid horde mode, and I can’t wait for this proposed LAN with people from work to really blow this shit out and play it.
There are problems of course. The microtransaction bullshit is pretty bullshit! I normally like cards, but I don’t like card packs, and that just seems like a really terrible way of putting this multiplayer together. I may never get the better pistols while I play this thing. That’s sad to me.

The Weight System: When I heard about this, I’m like “Eh, pistols for lyfe.” But now that I’m playing, I really appreciate it. I love that my secondary weapon can be the lightest assault rifle (burst fire one, no less!) instead of the stupid SMGs. I love that when I really want to incinerate people constantly, just carrying the pistol gives me like 200% increased cooldown speed, and I can just spam the motherfucker. The weight system really lets you play the way you want to play. It’s neat.

Vega: I guess people were worried about him, in the same way they were worried about Jack last game? I think he’s pretty cool, at least so far. He’s very likable.

That This One Male Crew Member Mentioned His Husband: It’s done pretty matter-of-fact and throwaway, as opposed to THIS IS A BIG DEAL. You don’t even have to hear about it if you don’t question every member of your crew. It’s nice.

What I Don’t Like About Mass Effect 3 Thus Far

Shepard Is Earth-Centric: In previous games, Renegade Shepard only really cared about humanity, and Paragon Shepard looked at the big picture. Now my paragon Shepard is whining about Earth and talking to aliens like Earth is the most important thing ever constantly, and it really frustrates me. Where did my other Shepard go?

Shepard Is No Longer A Battle-Hardened Badass: Seriously? The tutorial events traumatize you? Give me a fucking break: Shepard has seen crew members liquified before her fucking eyes. I can’t believe she’d be so shaken as to affect her and her mission. They always did a great job before of making her a person while also making her a soldier first and foremost, and I rather liked that. Now that feels thrown down the drain.

Mood Lighting On The Normandy: Can’t the Alliance Military afford to actually light their goddamn ship? This “everything is dark and soft-glow like a romantic restaurant” look is obscenely stupid.

Security Station To Hide A Load On The Way To The Galaxy Map/Elevator On The Second Floor: Why the hell is Shepard getting scanned for weapons every time she goes to talk to Joker on her own fucking ship? Is this really where we need a security station? Seriously? And not, like, I dunno, near life support, or something where a saboteur could do a lot more damage? Or in, say, the docking bay, where people are boarding the ship? It’s clearly hiding loading, and I get that, but gods, it’s just dumb being there. There wasn’t a stupid security point there in 2.

Calibrations Joke: Yeah, I get it, Bioware, you read fan comics about ME2 as well. But by recognizing it, you’re kind of ruining it.

Anyway, I’ll get back to playing more tonight. It’s fun! But yeah, could be better, thus far.

I get to work to do work like I normally do last night. That’s a thing I do. Work. Anyway, I get there, and work begins! Then I am called to the office.

My boss goes, “Look at this corporate e-mail. This might be trouble.” I take a look. The e-mail basically says that one set of signs I am supposed to have my team put up tonight doesn’t exist right now, because corporate screwed up. It would be ready at 11. Thus, I was supposed to do two ad sets: putting up all of one set once, then immediately going back and putting up the other set. It said we’d get more payroll for that.

“That’s ridiculous,” I said. More payroll is all well and good, but I can’t stay up until 4 AM on the whim of some assholes at corporate. I kind of have shit to do. Frankly, the fact that I stay late most nights at ad set is me being way nicer and more dedicated to the job than I need to be.
“What’s the plan?” my boss said.
“I don’t know. The signs they’re talking about are printing right now,” I said. And they were. I had already confirmed it.
“What does that mean? You’re sure?” my boss said.
“I’ll take care of it,” I said.

I took the memo, and I set it down on my desk, and I went back to work.
The problem the memo was talking about was a few signs that would give errors when you were trying to print them. Based on reports and my own experience in the store, there were approximately 30 or so signs that were not working in this way. 30 signs. Out of about 4000 that we put up. They wanted us to spend an extra 3 hours for 30 signs. We were already understaffed: I was already at work until 2 just getting it done the NORMAL way.

Basically, I got really pissed. Maybe it’s the whole “not having a job soon” thing, but I wasn’t about to put up with this bullshit. So I didn’t! I told everyone to ignore those errors, and just get the job done as if they didn’t exist. That was me taking care of it. Maybe I’m the best boss, or maybe I’m the worst. Your call. But goddamn, sometimes I really hate my employer for being so fucking STUPID. I’m tired and cranky and it’s all their fault for not doing their job properly, and fuck them. Again, I appreciate and quite like most of the people I work with. But the organization itself is just… gah. GAH. Gah.

Gah.

I watched an anime and it was called Princess Jellyfish, and it was certainly a thing.

I have a lot of mixed feelings about the show, but most of it basically comes from me being me, which I’ll talk about in a little bit. In general, though, the story of this cross-dressing, fashion-minded dude breaking into the lives of a bunch of overwhelmingly geeky girls was pretty fun!
It felt, in many ways, a bit rushed, which I assume was because of limited episode time. After all, they really set up this “problem” for everyone to solve and then it just kind of disappears in the last episode with very little to no actual actions of the characters causing it. That’s not really good storytelling, but it’s the kind of thing you do when you try to create a short show from a series that’s still ongoing, which was probably the case when this was made.
I don’t think that took away much from its charm, though. While many of the cast of geeks were a bit… one note and jokey, as to be expected from background characters, they did a great job of making fairly realistic geeky people for the ones that were focused on. The main character, Tsukimi, is fairly well rounded, to be fair. She has her passions and her problems, and for the most part, the show sells them, which really helps. You really kind of understand where her phobias come from, whereas with the background jokey people, it’s just kind of part of the joke “ubergeek” persona. She’s likable, and you want her to get into a happy relationship and become successful instead of being stuck in this apartment. Similarly, I feel like, by the end of it, the landlady’s daughter, Chieko, is really fairly well fleshed out. You really get to see into her motivations, of trying to put together a family in this place and keep everyone together, as well as just looking out for the general well-being of everyone. For a support character, I really buy her.
Similarly, I really kind of buy Mr. Hipster Main Male Lead, Kuranosuke. I feel like they explain why he enjoys crossdressing in a way that doesn’t necessarily make him a stereotype: just part of who he is. I completely buy why he ends up connecting with Tsukimi and everyone and wanting to hang around them, as he’s mostly lead a life of appearances and not being genuine up until that point. He’s kind of unlikable in a lot of ways, but he’s also very understandable. You don’t root for him, perse, but you know he’s going to end up with Tsukimi and that will be fantastic for her and nice for him and everything will work out well.

Basically, it’s got all the elements of a good comedy romance, and it does it all pretty well. If that sounds fun, this is probably worth giving a view to. It’s not my favorite thing ever, but I really enjoyed myself.

However, the show also really upset me for silly reasons that probably wouldn’t bother anyone else.

Crossdressers are really nothing new in anime. They’re all over the place. But never have I really watched a show where you saw so much of the crossdresser getting ready. I mean, it works for the show. It keeps you reminded that this character is a dude, and though he enjoys himself, he still identifies as male, which is useful and does define his character. But it is a process for him. A realistic process, because he wants to pass, not just be a drag queen or whatnot.
I found myself watching this, and just being overwhelmed with both a mix of jealousy (“This fictional guy passes so easily and everyone thinks he’s such a sexy girl and here I am, a real woman, being all stupid.”) and shaken confidence in how I’m perceived (“He’s doing a lot of what I do every morning to get ready, people must think I’m like him, fuck, nobody believes I’m me, I am fucked.”). I know these thoughts are BEYOND STUPID, because they’re pretty stupid, but I found myself unable to lose them while watching the show. It really kind of hindered my enjoyment of it, because while it was fun, and I could see it was fun, I was also in a kind of funk from this sort of stupid shit. Which sucked.

However, if you’re not me, you probably won’t have that problem, and it’ll be a fine thing to view. So.

Who wants some rambles? Too bad, you’re getting them anyway.

I am proud to announce that there are only two horrible vitamins left in the bottle. In a little over a week, I will be free of them once and for all. But seriously, I really should have just thrown them away a long time ago, but I couldn’t bring myself to. They still did whatever, you know, vitamins do. Give vitaminness. But they are of the most ridiculous nearly-square shape. They are near-impossible to swallow without choking. Seriously, did nobody even attempt to swallow these pills before they put them on the market? It’s ridiculous. I have to break them in half just to have a chance, and even then, I end up choking half the time. I bought the generic equivalent of the same vitamin, and they’re of a sane shape that you can swallow, no problem. Ugh. I’ll be glad to have them out of my life. Because this is a serious concern to be having.

Jonathan and Shauna came over, and they asked about Aesa, and if I’m going to tell my parents that we’re more than just friends. So I guess they probably read this sometimes? Hi! Anyway, they were totally cool about the whole thing, though worried about me getting in yet another fight with my parents over stuff. I told them basically what I had been saying: I’m probably not going to tell them, unless I have to in order to keep him from being excluded from family shit, as he’s a part of the family as far as I’m concerned. But yeah, nice to know they’re still on my side about how non-standard my life sometimes is. I could not ask for a better brother and sister-in-law, seriously.

I did so much work last week, for serious. I graded like crazy, and I was pretty exhausted for it. But it was all work it, really. It occurred to me how little one has to do once they’re actually working on it, as opposed to when they’re dreading it. I had a ton to do, don’t get me wrong, but I polished it off and got it all done in a very reasonable length of time, and now I’m in a much better position. Granted, there’s still more to do, there always is, but at least I’m caught up and I can breathe a little. Well, just a tiny bit, anyway.

Also, I’m really super embarrassed about it, but the tooth I had all that work done on broke while eating a crunchy slice of pizza this weekend and basically fell out. So now I don’t know what’s going to happen. It’s not visible when I talk or anything, so it could be worse, but fuck. I feel like an idiot. Was there something I could have done? People say probably not, and these things happen, and I should stop driving myself crazy feeling like shit about this. I was brushing and doing all the teeth upkeep things a person should do. And I mean, I am getting old. Older people have teeth problems. Older people don’t have all their teeth. But just… bleh. I’ll get it fixed as best one can this week. Maybe get a partial denture. I don’t know. We’ll see. Just… keep it under your hat, okay, internet? Feel like such a failure…

I’ll be back tomorrow with more BLOGGING. Ta da!

Okay, here’s another dream I had.

I was working, sort of, at some sort of retail outlet. It was laid out like Kohl’s in a lot of ways, but it clearly was not Kohl’s. However, the location of the toys was in the same place in the building, back in the back corner. Still, it wasn’t Kohl’s. We didn’t sell the same stuff.

In any case, I was done with my shift, and before I left the store, I went shopping. I was with somebody, but I don’t know who. I want to say it was my mother, but I’m not sure. Anyway, I went back to the back corner to check the pony toys because I am mucho predictable. I take a look around, and I see something I want to come back for later. However, I leave it there then, and go back to meet with my mysterious shopping companion.

When we go to check out, though, I realize I never went back for whatever it was I was looking for, so I excuse myself from the checkout line and go back to the toys. When I get back there, a girl starts talking to me about ponies as I pick up what I was going to buy, since she saw I was interested. She showed me a line of Pony jewelry back there that she thought was totally cool (she liked Rainbow Dash, and they were like… Rainbow Dash necklaces) but apparently I already had a pony necklace of some sort on, so I showed that to her and she was impressed. We talked for a little while longer, and then she left.

But when she left, I noticed something. It was a book, sort of like one of those “my first chapter books” sort of size. Like, say, the size of a Goosebumps book. But it was a pony book. Friendship is Magic licensed fiction. It had Applejack looking over some sort of a cauldron on it. I couldn’t help myself. I picked it up and looked at the plot synopsis. It was something along the lines of Applejack having been given some sort of potion recipe that promised to make the apples at Sweet Apple Acres the best in the world. There was some upcoming Equestria-wide fair she was really worried about losing. But making the potion could create problems and force her to lie to her friends!

Anyway, I was shocked and pleased there was pony licensed fiction, so I bought the book too.

Then I woke up.

Goddamn, maybe I’m a bit too obsessed with ponies.

Remember how this is a thing I’m doing? I think this is a thing I’m doing here.

Tetris Attack is basically a perfect game.

There have been a million versions of what they now call Puzzle League, and they are for the most part fine. I loved Pokemon Puzzle League, for example, and the 3D mode was interesting, if not really very long-term engaging. The DS version of Puzzle League was fine, though the stylus controls really kind of changed the game a bit and made it a lot easier. I’m pretty sure there were some versions of this game in Japan before Nintendo brought it out here all Yoshi’s Island’d up. I’m sure those are also fine. But Tetris Attack is the one that I feel is perfect.

Do I even need to talk about how fucking amazing Tetris Attack’s gameplay is? Because it is goddamn amazing. It is, hands down, the best puzzle game, save maybe Tetris. Bust-A-Move, Puyo-Puyo, Puzzle Fighter, they can all get the fuck out of the way. Tetris Attack is where it is at. The way you can only flip tiles to the side is, honestly, genius. It makes the game work with basically one button, and it makes it so that if you make a mistake, you’re pretty stuck with it. The methods to set up combos become pretty easy to see pretty quickly, and you have a huge amount of control over making them happen: rarely does it feel like a random element was involved. The game is also just as fast-paced as you want it. You can fly around that board setting things up, like I do when I’m in practice, or you can take it slower and have a good time anyway.

But you get that in any version of Tetris Attack, and indeed, those are fun. What really sets this one apart is the style. The Yoshi’s Island backgrounds and stuff look great, sure! But goddamn, that music. Let’s listen to some. Here’s the classic Raphael theme. I could listen to that all day, seriously. Some of the best the SNES has to offer in terms of music. And it’s not just that stage. There is so much more.

Tetris Attack: A life-changing game for me. Granted, I mostly played it on the Game Boy, where it was also fantastic. But the SNES version is just where it is at. It’s such a damn good game, and I would not change a damn thing about it. There is a reason why it is a euphemism for sexual intercourse on Talking Time. Heh.

This Means War is a fantastic film.

I went to it knowing basically nothing about it: I just wanted some social time with Mr. JSpants, who invited me to go. He said it was funny? Sure, I’ve got this gift certificate, let’s go. I really had a fantastic time, though. It’s not some art piece that will change your life, but it is a finely crafted and enjoyable piece of cinema. It’s a fun evening. It’s a perfect date movie.

Seriously, it’s pretty well the perfect two quadrant date movie. The romance stuff in it is really touching, and for the most part comes off as pretty damn genuine. I bought both the relationships, which is fairly impressive considering a lot of the time a movie can’t make you buy ONE relationship. The action in the film is well-done and fun. It’s not the most over the top stuff you’ve ever seen or anything? But if you like watching some dudes shoot some other dudes, there are some good scenes of that in there. The comedy, too, for the most part works. I did a solid amount of laughing during the film. The two main guys have some really great banter between them. The “comic relief” female friend was actually both funny and a character whose I can believe is a real person and not a caricature. It all just works! It’s great.

Another thing that impressed me about it was how it somehow completely fooled me. I was that engaged. If I had stepped out of the situation I was seeing, and thought “What would somebody writing a Hollywood movie do?” then the path to creating the cliche happy ending for everyone was extremely clear. If I had pulled my head out of the film, I could have easily guessed what was up. However, I didn’t: I was so engaged that I didn’t look at the overall plot arc to see where it was going. I was actually a bit surprised at the ending, as cliche as it in some ways was. I think that says something awesome about the film.

Anyway, This Means War comes recommended by me. It’s not going to win any awards, but it’s just fun. It’s a shame that so much of romantic comedy is garbage, and not good like this movie, as I’d probably really like the genre if it was more… entertaining.

Welcome to March! I wrote a poem today. Is it good? …maybe? I’m unsure. Let me know. It’s about checking things.

This Way I Know

I'm tired of shells,
calcified hardness
that screams for a hammer.
I'm tired of prying
and squirming
and exhausting every method
to get a peek.
Yet the sun rises and falls
and once again I am there
wondering.
Once again I guess,
and take up arms
against the unyielding beauty
and once again
the pieces
are never enough.

I played a game by the name of Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning.
Boy, was that a video game.

Reckoning had so much potential. Dialog Trees! Combat that seemed potentially fun! Um… Dialog Trees! It was trying so hard to be Dragon Age, only better. Surely it wouldn’t be terrible? Certainly some of that would rub off and it would be fun!

Not really!

I mean, alright, it was fine, you know? It was fine. There were plenty of quests? Lots of talking. You had plenty of character customization and could choose what you wanted to do in combat. I went pure mage, and it was really pretty fun! You eventually get this skill where your dodge instead leaves a deadly ice cloud behind, so you can kind of zip through enemies and slow them down while you’re running away. That’s neat. I threw millions of ice shards at enemies until they died. That’s pretty neat!

That’s about it.

I think now I’m just going to make a list of everything that disappointed me in no particular order.

I had a persuasion skill that was maxed, and I failed the last persuasion check in the game. REALLY? REALLY, GAME? Plus, persuasion, and conversation in general, never did anything besides get me gear that wasn’t as good as what I had on. Persuasion was “give me a free thing.” That’s really unsatisfying.

I played on Casual, but at the end, the game got really hard. On Casual. Granted, I might have been underleveled because I only did two side missions because they were all insanely boring. But that fact just kind of strikes me as really weird. I mean, I was playing on Casual.

All the characters in this game are super boring stereotypes. “Hello, I am a warrior who used to be great but now I drink a lot ha ha!” “I am mysterious lady from your past you can’t remember who isn’t telling you anything and has large breasts!” On top of that, none of them have anything vaguely interesting to say. At least, say, Oghren from Dragon Age, while being a stereotype and being voiced by Steven Blum, was pretty interesting once you actually talked to him. These characters are not anything other than your first impression of them, and they can talk and talk at you and not say a goddamn thing. All the dialog in this game is skippable, and in an RPG, that’s insane.

There are at least two mainline “run around in this area and get into a lot of stupid random encounters just to walk to a place and press a button before walking to another place” quests. I get it, there’s an open world for some reason. Can we please move on? Why not make some more interesting quests instead of filling your game with padding?

I enjoyed Amalur well enough, I guess, but only because I basically just charged through the main storyline without stopping, and even then, I was kind of nearly sick of it by the time I was running towards final boss land. It is just devoid of creativity or anything interesting, which just seems crazy to me, as they kept talking up what an interesting world they had. But a bunch of lore doesn’t mean shit without characters, and this game has none. Sure, it has some decent combat, but that’s really it. Rent it if you want, it’s an okay time if you just want to smash your way through like I did. But goodness, just wait for Mass Effect in a week or so, and play a good dialog-full game with fun combat.