January 23, 2010

Nerves, Nervous

I don’t claim to have always been a rock, someone who has no issues and who doesn’t break. Far from it. But after the past few years, I’ve gotten my confidence back, and I got to a point where I felt like I wasn’t going to fall apart every day, and where I wasn’t going to have panic attacks time and again. I got to a point where I was working and I was accomplishing things.
Now I’ve moved to accomplish so much more. And it’s brought it all back up.

Starting to deal with my gender issues is bringing so much depressive ammo to the forefront of my mind, and my mind, being the dick it is, is restarting with making me feel nervous and bad about it. Things I haven’t worried about for years and years are coming back.
It’s frustrating, but I know it’s a good thing.
This is all stuff that I’ve repressed for so long just to survive, and get by. It’s not like they were gone, and they magically reappeared, although it feels somewhat like that. It’s just that all the little demons in my head that were always constantly draining me quietly from the background, that I had bottled up, are out in full force. They have to be, or I won’t be able to fight them.
It’s the first step in stopping all this shit and being genuinely happy once and for all.

It’s just so scary, though. I have complete confidence in myself. But the voice in my head sure doesn’t. I know I’m strong enough for this. I’ve been waiting for it for years. I know I can pull this off. But it’s not going to be the easiest thing. I know that. And my head knows that. And is really trying to use it against me.

But I’ve got forward momentum now. That’s something I’ve wanted for such a long time. I have forward momentum, and no amount of “sick to my stomach” nervousness is going to deter me. Because I am fucking going to take control of my life, be who I am, and love myself for the first time. I am going to make things happen.

I can make things happen.
I can.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it as many times as you like: You can do it, comrade! I believe in you. :)

Comment by Lobst — January 23, 2010 @ 4:08 am

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