December 23, 2009

Rainbow Bunnies and Psychologist Appointments

I got my Festivus Exchange Gift! A few days ago, really. It was pretty awesome. I wrote up the haul in the appropriate thread on Talking Time, of course. You can check it out here, if you’d like. Queen Possum was awesome. Perhaps more awesome than I was, in my gift-giving, though I’ve promised myself not to worry about it. However, in this post, I mostly just want to talk about one thing, and that is this hat, what I consider the centerpiece of the whole deal.

It has just kind of made me so happy and so sad at the same time.

Not that I think the gift was a bad thing, oh goodness, far, far, far from it. I look at such things online all the time, and think about buying them. I look with sort of jealous eyes at the occasional person in Kohl’s wearing a cat ear hat. I want to be cute, and wear cute animal hats. Embrace my furry side and grin, and look cute… cutecutecute… and this is pretty well completely cute. Not to mention someone made this thing by hand, for me specifically. It is perfectly fitted to my head. I. Love. It.

But during the process of making that post, I realized I needed to take a picture of me wearing it, to show off how well it fits. But I couldn’t take a picture of myself. I couldn’t wear the hat in public. I’m not that way. Yet.
That kind of spiraled me out of control for an evening.

I am closer than I have ever been to transitioning. I have an appointment with an actual doctor who specializes in gender identity on the 28th. Some number of months after that, after she’s all down with what’s up with me, I can start hormones and stuff. I’m not rich, but every time I evaluate this stuff, I am, for probably the first time in my life, in a good enough financial situation to do this. I can do this. I should be happy.

But being so close just brings what I can’t have yet into sharper focus. I think I’ve been more moody and depressed about these issues than I have been in a long while recently. And that’s likely almost completely because I have finally taken some action, and by doing so, brought all those issues and problems I buried deep, deep inside me to survive these years where I couldn’t due to my stupid parents and money and my own stupid holdups. They’re coming back. It’ll be nice to have someone to talk about them with, I suppose. But it is harder. It’s annoying.

I dunno. I’m on my way, though. Soon I’ll be able to wear that Rainbow bunny hat, perhaps. Soon things will start getting fixed. I know they will.

Yeah… they will. They have to.

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