The Blogtastic Blogfest That Is Getmeoutofthis.net!

So if there’s one thing I think we can all agree on, it’s that Hitler is a dick. I mean, what’s up with that guy? Seriously. So we have no choice but to blow up his head in a robot body again and again and again. And again. Forever.

But wouldn’t it be better to do it in some sort of Turn-Based RPG?

And so here comes Wolfenstien RPG! To your iPhone! Spectacular Timing!

I’ve been waiting and waiting for this game for a long time, actually. Mr. Carmack announced it was coming forever and ago, and then went and screwed it up by releasing some shitty port of Wolfenstien 3D with shitty controls and going “Oh, we don’t want to confuse people!” Fuck that shit. Nobody wants a horrid port of Wolf 3D, and everyone should want this RPG, because it is awesome.

Basically, the game is set up like Wolfenstien 3D, though with better graphics, and Hitler replaced with some weird guy with a soul patch. So you move around, just like you do in that game, but every step you take takes one turn. Every time you fire a gun? One turn. Enemies work the same way, So you slowly run and gun through the spaces in a turn-based style. Along the way you pick up healing items and syringes which give you various buffs, as can use those to your advantage to make it through all the enemies, and eventually kill Hitler. Or his brother. Or something.

So remember yesterday, when I was talking about how shitty virtual D-pads were? Well, Wolfenstien RPG has a virtual D-pad, and it is perfect. Doesn’t bother you at all. Why? Because it’s turn-based, of course. There’s never any pressure, and you rarely actually need precision. It’s pretty good anyway. But because of that, it goes so easy. It’s not hard to move around at all. The only thing that doesn’t work very well is the swipe to strafe, but since turning doesn’t cost you a turn, you never actually HAVE to strafe, so it’s never really an issue.

The combat itself is pretty simple. You pick a gun, and fire like crazy until the other guy dies, using health kits as needed. You can do some advanced things with dynamite packs and buffing up appropriately, but for the most part, it isn’t needed. It’s a very casual experience. On top of all that, it saves when you leave the game, and you can save at any time. Since the levels are mostly linear, unless you did something silly before you quit last time, you never really feel lost when you jump back in, because chances are, you need to move forward. This makes it an amazing portable game, because it’s extremely easy to play for 2 or 3 minutes, and then get back to something else.

But seriously, there’s achievement-like things in there, if you like those. There’s a decent amount of gameplay and plenty of portability in a game suited very well for the iPod platform. It’s totally worth your money. You really should try it! And then you can wait eagerly for the Doom 2 RPG, which is apparently coming out next year or something. Sure, it’ll probably be similar, but, you know, running through hell: better than killing Nazis? Maybe. Should at least have a bigger enemy variety, anyway.