The Blogtastic Blogfest That Is Getmeoutofthis.net!

Holy shit, a blog post? Dang, yo.

I started following this awesome person on twitter recently. I kept seeing retweets from them and they were really funny, a friend of a friend I guessed, and when I looked at their timeline most of what they were saying made me smile. So, you know, creepy stalker activate. I turn to twitter to be entertained just as much as informed and connected so, you know, why not?

Then this person started talking about serious life shit, and that threw me for a loop. Not a bad one, perse. I’m not frustrated I followed them? But damn, I’ve really been doing a lot of thinking.

Basically, this person is bigendered (which is why I’m desperately avoiding pronouns here. I can’t say I know what the proper protocol is for pronouns for people like that. Do I use one of those silly hybrid pronouns like shi? If it was me, I’d feel like I’d want he or she as the situation demanded, which is kind of an impossible thing to ask of people, but…) and that is just… damn. Seriously. It’s something I thought I understood. I have a real good friend I’ve known for a long time who is bigendered, and for a long time my psychologist thought I was bigendered because I’m such a tomboy and was trying to rule it out, though obviously that’s not the case and she eventually figured that out. Being trans, I just kind of took for granted that I understood this whole gender dysphoria thing, and I had this.

But listening to this person talk, Jesus fuck, I thought I had it bad, but my heart aches when confronted with the serious issues this person is having to deal with. It quickly occurred to me that I never really spent a lot of time thinking about what someone like that would be going through. At least my problems had a solution. I felt like shit, but there was a goal I could work towards, and eventually I did, and my life got infinitely better for it. There’s no good solution that I can construct even in my wildest dreams for being bigendered. Maybe I’m missing something, but I really can’t. Because you’re both genders, and you may flip between feeling more male or more female just about any time, there’s no out. Something about your body is always going to be wrong sometimes. You could transition, but then you don’t have access to the gender you were before, which you also are, so it’s just cutting off one thing to spite another. I suppose you could try to be extremely androgynous, and dress more masculine and more feminine as your mood demands, but that still creates awkward situations with people you interact with often, who are clearly going to decide you’re one or the other, no matter how you dress. No matter which way you go, you’re going to run into that dysphoric depression that I fought for so long and made me want to die most days. It… goddamn.

In thinking about all this, I totally crazily apologized for imagined slights to the friend I referred to earlier, who was very awesome and was like, “Darling, when I’m talking to you, that’s one of the few times I feel like I can truly be myself, guy or girl. So you don’t need to worry about all that.” Which was nice to hear, and I appreciated it. I hope that’s how my friend really feels about it all. I’m going to keep doing my best to be there, of course.

But I wish I could say something worthwhile, extend some sort of support, to this person on twitter. But I’m a complete fucking stranger, and that’s creepy, right? There’s few things more personal than this stuff, and I just want to step in and talk about it out of nowhere. Every time I try to think of something to say, it comes off sounding so hollow in my head that I can’t say it. So I wrote this blog instead, I guess.