June 30, 2012

Wrapping My Brain Around It

Okay, so recently, I learned guy I am kind of friends with (pretty sure we’re friends, right?) but not super close to is gay. Or at least enjoys boys. He’s now dating someone else I know in a similar friends but only vague acquaintance on good terms friends kind of way. And this sort of made me feel confused and weird. And then I wondered why.

This isn’t the first time this has happened, I guess? I don’t know. Completely different friend, he was talking to some coworkers about relationships and really trying to dodge the question. I was trying to put things together awhile back and sort of decide in my head if he was or was not the sort to have The Leaning (Deep Cut Reference Few Will Get!), and that was why he was kind of dodging the situation, and I wondered why I devoted that much time to worrying about it. I still wonder why I get this urge where I must wrap my head around this. I mean, it doesn’t fucking matter! People can enjoy the company, sexual or otherwise, of whoever they want.

I think it just feels annoying and frustrating because, on an intellectual level, I 100% believe that it is “just a thing” and in no way a big deal or something to define who you are like… overall. It’s just a thing about you, in the same way you might, I dunno, be allergic to strawberries. It’s something that might be useful to know to keep from running into awkward situations, but it doesn’t change someone’s personality or anything silly like that. Yet, when I learn that about someone that my gaydar or whatever you want to call it has gotten a reading on the other way, I find myself a bit unsettled. I feel stupid about it, too.

I guess it’s not that weird to feel awkward about having to adjust one’s mental persona of another person. That’s hard. I mean, I know that’s why so many people had issues they had to work through with my transition and such. But this is so much smaller. I guess it has baggage with it, much like the male/female thing does, but it shouldn’t? And it’s not like I’m going to give a shit about that anyway.

Maybe it’s a worry that I’m missing something I should be doing in how I’m treating them that they’d prefer. “Have I done something that’s made them feel like they shouldn’t tell me? Or was uncomfortable being honest before this point? Did I say something stupid to hurt them because I didn’t know?” It’s a fear, I guess, that I’m going to do something insulting I don’t mean if I don’t make sure to interalize this information completely and think through it. I guess that makes sense, as I’ve seen people make stupid mistakes like that around me and make me feel bad, not that I held that against them. (Well, until they just kind of constantly did it for months and months, then I was like, “Are you even trying? I mean, seriously.”)

Maybe that’s all it is.

I dunno.

Leave a comment