The Blogtastic Blogfest That Is Getmeoutofthis.net!

Essner came over today. He saw my new house, and then we played some Guardian Heroes.

Guardian Heroes is an insane game where it is impossible to ever understand what is going on at any point in time. Tracking your character on three planes in the midst of explosions and whatnot is incredibly difficult! Especially when the game requires SERIOUS TIMING to be played well. The various fighting mechanics were also a bit weird and hard to understand, but that’s probably because I just jumped in and didn’t know anything.

Seriously, though, this game is tough. We played on Normal and we got like nowhere in the game. Nowhere at all. And this was in the easier “Remix” mode. Is this seriously what this game was all about? It is so popular and has so much praise, but it is just so confusing for a brawler, what is supposed to be the most easiest of game types. We flipped it to Easy and had a much more fun time from then on out and, to the fair, the game doesn’t restrict you from getting any of the achievements but the “beat it on hard” achievement while playing on easy, so clearly they expected this sort of turn of events.

Really, the game reminds me of, of all things, Guilty Gear Isuka. In that game, you had to do ridiculous shit like juggle two levels of gameplay and make sure your character was facing the right direction to block. It was overly complex for no real reason, in a game that was already sort of complex. Guardian Heroes really feels that way to me. Once you figure out how to kill dudes, you can kill them, but there are so many systems that are just a mystery. Do your stats really affect you much? I couldn’t see how while we were playing. It just… yeah.

The branching paths of the ridiculous nonsense story were appreciated. All the art is definitely of an era that is not now! It almost annoys me to that extent.

Really, though, what we ended up doing was playing online matches of their Versus mode. This was hilarious. It’s like a fighting game, but there are a million characters, and there are like a minimum of 12 people playing at a time. If you think the normal game is hard to follow, the Versus mode is a thousand times worse. It is completely impossible to keep track of yourself, and there’s no good way to know what characters, besides the main four you play in the normal mode, will do. I picked a Civilian Child for one match, and all I could do is walk back and forth slowly, and jump forward. I kind of lost my shit at that. It was so stupid. I was just this little sprite, walking around, while everyone else was throwing magic and crap left and right. It was so insane.

I really don’t get it. I don’t get how this game is the classic everyone has always said it was. I don’t get it! Maybe someone will tell me how wrong I am. That’d be fine. But I was not impressed at all. Nope.