July 27, 2011

Life Changes. Then I Blog About It.

I’m not sure how to organize all this stuff that’s been in my head into a coherent essay, but I’m just going to go for it anyway. Sorry if it doesn’t make much sense or seems really scattershot.

When I went to visit Brer, I basically conquered my last thing that I was worrying about with the whole transition thing: I started using the correct bathroom. It’s really such a stupid thing, when you think about it, but I was so fucking nervous. But it’s just like anything, and I knew that: act like something is wrong, and something is wrong. Act like nothing is wrong, and nothing is wrong. It was not a big issue at all, and will continue to not be. It also just seems stupid that something like a bathroom would be the main indicator of “you made it” but that’s kind of what it is to me. That’s the main sorter of people into gender groups on a daily basis, and now I’m on the correct side of it. That’s what I wanted.

I really expected some sort of push back from the world. Some sort of horrible fate to befall me because I started going out as myself, and not worrying about it. Nothing has come of it yet. For all the fear my parents beat the fuck into me about Southeast Missouri being intolerant, everyone I’ve encountered and discussed this stuff with has been fucking fantastic. Everyone who is not my parents is so understanding and supportive, it really makes me feel stupid for having lived this long being so scared of being myself. And while it was subtle, and not the huge weight off my shoulders I was expecting, I feel so much better. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I’m not acting confident, but am confident, and maybe that’s not a useful distinction as far as what it lets me get done (because let’s face it, fake confidence is good enough in the majority of situations) but as far as me feeling good while doing it? It means a ton. It means a lot to me that I can believe in myself. It’s been a long time since I could say that and really mean it.

The parents are still being stupid. If I was being overly dramatic, I would say that I think that them being like this will end up being one of their biggest regrets in life. I love them so fucking much, and I know they love me, and once they understand how much better I am doing, and how much happier I am, they are going to feel like garbage for fighting against me for so long. (Okay, I guess this was a stupid, ineffective ploy to be dramatic without being dramatic, but surely you can indulge me a bit in my own diary blog post, hm?) But, you know, I get it, to some extent. They want the best for me, but can’t face the fact that what I’m telling them is true, and that I am working towards the same goal. I’m frustrated, but I’m their daughter, and that’s that. I can’t imagine life without them. I know they’ll be there for me. That’s what matters.

Really, though, the worst thing, if you can call it that, about the transition is people apologizing to me all the time. Nice people, trying to wrap their head around a new name and new pronouns… well, it takes awhile for it to click. I know that. But they apologize every time they get it wrong. I don’t know how to react to it. I just feel lucky that they’re even trying at all. How do you tell someone that yes, you really would prefer them to get it right, but that it’s not hurting, insulting, or otherwise doing bad things to you for them to make mistakes sometimes? I’m still working on the answer to that one. Still, if people being very polite and apologizing to me is my biggest worry, I say that things are going pretty well in my world.

But yeah. Things. Things are going well. I’ve been noticing other things, though, which I will record for posterity, so I can see how stupid wrong I am in a few years time.
I am so fucking hungry recently. I don’t know if it’s giving up sodas (you’d think that would have died down if it was, as it’s been several weeks now) or the hormones or what, but fuck, I am so hungry. I’ve gone from eating a meal a day, maybe two if it’s a social occasion, to just feeling starving all the time, and eating three meals a day, often out of hungry desperation. I just cannot remember being this constantly hungry before. I have no idea what this means, but it just feels like it can’t be random coincidence. I dunno.
The other thing is that women are talking to me more. Conversations that used to just be a slight nod of the head or a “sorry” suddenly are becoming actual conversations. I had a cashier strike up a fairly sizable conversation with me about the flavor “sour apple” at a gas station, and another woman I was in line with at Wal-Mart started a conversation with me about one of the magazines on the rack, for some examples. This isn’t a bad thing in the slightest. I am good at polite conversation. I just don’t remember that kind of encounter happening before, really. It just feels like a shift in how the world is interacting with me. It feels like something has changed, you know? And, well, I suppose something has, since I’m going out as me now. This might be another point of insanity, though.

Overall, though, things are going great. They’ll be better if I get the job I interviewed for today (And hi, background check people, if you read this!) but, you know, either way. Life is worth living. Life is great. I think I’ll keep at it.

I’m not a doc, and don’t even play one on TV, but I’d blame the hormones for the hunger. They can do all sorts of weird things. Or, I think you’ve mentioned being on some other stuff to counteract possible side effects from the hormones. Were any of those steroid based? Because steroids make you fucking ravenous.

Comment by Cris — July 27, 2011 @ 12:15 am

I’m a little bemused that you’re bothered about having to eat three meals a day. One meal a day isn’t healthy. Your body goes into starvation mode if it’s not receiving sustenance every few hours.

Comment by Merus — July 27, 2011 @ 1:28 am

It’s totally the hormones. I get so much hungrier the week of my period. It’s ridiculous. But that’s the week I take my placebo and it’s the one week my hormones are totally not in check. Welcome to womanhood. It’s a hoot!

As for the apology thing: Maybe it’s just me, but I think I say it because it’s so much politer than yelling “damn” or “fuck” everytime. Most people probably say it, though, so you know we didn’t mean to slip up. Even though we know you know we will for a bit. It’s a bit convoluted, people’s thinking.

Comment by Shauna — July 27, 2011 @ 10:28 pm

When I give up soda for Lent I am super hungry, all the time. It goes away eventually (usually around day 38 of 40, or 47 if you count Holy Week), but since caffeine is an appetite suppressant and since soda has about 100 calories per can, my body tends to notice it’s absence, and it’s noticing comes in the form of me constantly eating trail mix (my go to lenten snack).

Comment by Essner — July 27, 2011 @ 11:23 pm

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