The Blogtastic Blogfest That Is Getmeoutofthis.net!

I think what I’m really wanting is a respect for what I’m doing. That’s all. I’m not against doing favors. I’m not against waiting a little bit longer if it makes everything else go smoother overall. I am against doing these favors, and they are completely favors, if it isn’t understood what I’m sacrificing to do them.

I feel like my dad gets it. When we talk about these things, he talks about it in a way where it’s clear he understands how much I’m hurting, and how significant waiting is. He makes it clear that he wants to help, and will help, but that this is how he sees it going down the best. He isn’t really on board with the idea, completely, but he knows my mind is made up and I have to do this to be happy, and he’s going to do what he can to make sure I’m happy in the smartest, best way possible. I can respect that. I want it to go down the best, and I’m willing to do what it takes to have it be the best. My family is super important to me, for better or worse. I can handle doing something for them, as long as they’re behind me.

My mother, however, doesn’t get it. Every time we talk about it, it’s clear, to me, that she’s simply stalling. She’s attempting to discourage me, and she doesn’t have my best interests at heart. She’s being dismissive of my problems, and how much waiting is going to hurt me. She does not take a decision to wait as anything significant. She makes me want to cry. She makes me angry. She makes me want to go “fuck this!” to doing things the right way and just get it the hell over with. She makes me wonder why I am even trying to connect with her and make her happy, when she seems so uninterested in it.

For my dad’s reasons, I’ll wait till after the wedding, no problem. If it means a stronger connection with my family, and more support when the actual time comes and things get tough, I can stall for a tiny bit longer. For mom’s reasons, they can just fuck off, because I have to start living my life. I only get one life. I’m tired of wasting it, and I get absolutely nothing out of waiting in her scenario.

I’m going to keep talking to them. I’ll probably have talked with them again before this goes up. I hope things go better. I wish I had a solution to all this bullshit. I wish it wasn’t crushing my belief that things will get better.
I wish a lot of things. Of course, in the end, I have to go out and make them happen.