October 11, 2008
Flustered
So this post is about various online relationship stuff, so if that’s of no interest to you, then, well, feel free to skip it.
Back when I joined LJM with Brer, I met a girl named fayne. Basically, she’s just flat out awesome. Soft. Make-me-shiver flirty at times. The sort of person who I feel like I can just talk about myself to, and she’ll be genuinely interested. On a little MUCK thing based around sex, all we’ve really done is snuggle and talk. And it’s just… it’s great. I freely admit I have a crush, or whatever you want to call it, on her.
And that’s the problem, I guess. Because I really like her, I find myself, each time I see her, being more and more worried that I’m not doing the right thing. I want her to like me. I want her to like me so we can spend more time together. And I mean, she does like me. But I just worry and worry, and I get stuck and I can’t make things go anywhere and then I worry more about that… ugh, it’s frustrating.
I can blame a little bit on internal power confusion that I feel in our relationship. fayne calls it hierarchy, and that’s a good word for it, but I feel it’s more instinctual. Basically, when I interact with people, I just get a feeling where our power is in relationship to each other. If I’m below them, then it’s no problem, I’m just submissive. If I’m above, I’m my own little flavor of dominant. With people I know really well, we can easily and sort of instinctually negotiate fluctuation in this to get things done.
The problem comes when I feel like I’m really even with someone and I have to interact with them. Suddenly I don’t know if I should take the lead, or hold back, and I worry that if I take the lead I’ll do something wrong, or if I don’t take the lead that’s doing something wrong. I feel like I’m on that level with fayne. We’re kindred spirits, or so I like to think. I never know how much power to apply, even though we’re in a MUCK where it’s kinda clear that I’m supposed to do such things.
But I can’t just do anything I want, because I care very much about what she thinks. I mean, anyone I play with in a dom/sub scenario, I care about them having fun. But in most, it’s just… before we get started, I make damn sure that anything I say is fine to say. They can always tell me no if they don’t want it, but the rules are very clear that I am right to want any ridiculous thing I want, you know? I don’t feel like that with fayne. So I worry. And worry.
I don’t know, I feel like I should be over this bullshit by now. I feel like, at some point, I got over all of my social awkwardness by being confident in who I am. Sure, I worry, but I’ve decided that, as long as I’m confident I’m doing the right thing, nobody is going to hate me for it. I can just be myself, I can be open and honest, and if people don’t like it, well, I’ll still be polite to them, but they’re probably not the kind of person I want to deal with anyway. I really, seriously do have so much more confidence around people, especially online. I shouldn’t have these problems. I should just say “Fine, I’ll just do this.” And do it. And by doing something, be better off.
But somehow she takes all that away from me. Well, not takes. I don’t for one second believe any of this awkwardness is her fault. It’s all internal inside of me. She is having an affect on me, but it’s how i”m processing it that is making me feel like this.
I should be better than that.
Maybe it’s her signals. Maybe it’s the way we can be doing something, and she’ll do something to make me shiver, affect me in that way, and then go back to what we were doing. Maybe it’s the way I’m always caught off guard and delighted by that. How I want more of that, but I get the feeling that’s all she wants from it. Yet I’m supposed to be in power, so I should have it, but I’m too worried she doesn’t want it. Gah, I don’t know.
I really should be better than this bullshit worrying and frustration, though. No matter what, I believe we’re building a solid friendship here, one that we both want. I really shouldn’t be worrying about it. I should just be enjoying myself.
I should just be enjoying myself.