February 12, 2010
I Can Has Plan
I finally have a plan. A loose schedule. An idea of when things are going to get done.
I finally have a plan.
Granted, there is a lot to do in this plan. I have plenty of people I need to talk to about the whole gender thing, and lots of things I need to schedule and start doing.
But for the first time, there is an end in sight.
Fuck, it feels so good.
Rarely are there moments where I feel “genuinely happy.” Okay, that’s not true. I’m a happy person. What I’m referring to is that overwhelming, body-filling happiness that you can’t ignore, no matter what. I’ve felt like that’s hard to find. Granted, I think we all have a veil of the bullshit of life that keeps that stuff suppressed, somewhat. Even when they happen, they’re fleeting. They’re normally not there forever.
But for something so rare, I really have been having a lot of them this past week or so.
It’ll just be little spikes. I’ll be listening to a song, and I’ll just lose myself in it, but instead of it being a sort of active choice that I do to calm myself down, which happens a lot (just ask people around Grauel, I dance when I walk all the time) it was more of a… spontaneous thing. I let myself go. I wasn’t worried about how I was portraying myself, because dammit, I’m me.
I’m me, and it feels so damn good.
I’ve still got a ways to go with the process, and mentally. Though I am finding it easier, I still have trouble looking in mirrors, for instance. But damn, it feels so fucking good.
August can’t come fast enough. I am going to take control of my life.
I am going to.
I have a huge grin on my face as I write this because, for the first time, this isn’t an affirmation. I am typing the truth. The truth that’s I’m me, and I can be me.
I can be me.