April 26, 2009

I am so bad at moving on.

The way I work is fucking weird, man.

I don’t know. It was but a day or two ago that I had some really great conversations, some really great time with some really great people, and I felt refreshed, not only just in general but in preparing to start on the huge, complicated quest of getting all that transitioning stuff out of the way. Man, I have great friends, great people around me, and I was just going to go do it, you know? Get it done. Make it happen.

And then, the next day, I took a huge downswing.

I can’t remember the last time I took such a horrid downswing and felt so depressed, actually. I really don’t know what is wrong with me. Am I just punishing myself for actually looking forward to the future for once? Does something inside me think that, even though it’s all completely possible, that it’s not completely possible? Or is it just nerves in thinking about it making me weaker and more vulnerable to an already existing condition?

I don’t know. But I felt pretty horrible emotionally Friday, and as I write this, it hasn’t really gone away.

I told Brer the other day that I am a stronger person than I was a year or two ago. That I can make a plan and get things done now. But maybe that’s wrong. Maybe I’m still the same stupid girl who’s hiding up with her computer all day so she doesn’t have to face the biggest change of her life. Certainly the diploma I’m about to have won’t change anything. But I thought how much better I was doing in getting said diploma was a sign that I had mostly put this shit behind me.

Bleh. Blah.

I’m going to work through all this anyway. I’m going to find phone numbers on Sunday before I let myself play what I hope is my treasure trove from raiding Best Buy, and I am going to call them Monday. I’m going to set up appointments, and I will make things happen. Somehow I will afford them. It will work.
Then why does just typing that make me have such a huge knot in my stomach?

[…] it. My mood crashed hard. Very hard. I was pretty well out of commission there for awhile. I wrote a little blog about it. It was bad […]

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