The Blogtastic Blogfest That Is Getmeoutofthis.net!

I’m pretty sure, if I write another book of poetry after this one, it’s going to be all Oasis song titles.

Why? Fuck if I know. I mean, I still have a very unclear idea why every poem in Why I Am Here, Even Today is titled after a Presidents of the United States of America song.

But yeah, that’s probably going to happen. I don’t have a good idea for a plot, perse, but I’m sure if I start writing some poems, it’ll slowly form, and then I’ll throw out all those old poems, and write new ones…
You know, maybe I shouldn’t try to mimic my process on the last one and be more efficient.

Anyway, it kind of occurred to me that I feel like Why I Am Here is pretty done in my head. I mean, it’s not. Plenty of revision and stuff to come. And the Deleter could probably use a few more poems. But it FEELS finished. So it’s probably going to be really close to finished. And so my head moves on to other potential projects that I don’t have time for.

Huzzah.

Keeping the poetry hits rolling! I read The Wild Iris, by Louise Gluck. This one won a Pulitzer prize!

I didn’t get much out of it.

Okay, that’s not completely true? There were three poems that really, really spoke to me. I stuck pieces of paper in the book to save them for later, for rereading and re-thinking. The title is the final lines of one of those poems, which seriously was like a big explosion “woah!” kind of moment when I read it, and I had to go back and re-read the entire thing, knowing what I now knew. Those sorts of poems in the book were fantastic. The rest, the vast majority, were… okay? But also very confusing. Mostly because of the use of the word “You.”

One thing I tried really hard in my book to do is to make sure that the reader always knows who “you” is referring to at any time. In the first half of the book, it is always the Deleter. In the second half, it is always the Repeater. The idea is that this builds up the idea of dialog I am going for, and also keeps from confusing the story.
There’s none of that in this book. I kept being very confused. Was “you” the gardener? The gardener’s wife? God? The flowers? It changed from poem to poem. Every one used “you” and the “you” seemed very different in each one. That’s not depth to me. That’s just confusion for no reason. There is a plot arc of sorts going through the poems. I know it’s there. I can feel inklings of it. But it simply isn’t clear, because I just don’t know who is being spoken to at any time.

This is only compounded by the fact that I also don’t know who is speaking at any time. Many poems have the exact same title. I deduced at some point that these were less titles so much as the names of the speakers in the poems. This would work, except that there are other poems that seem to be by other speakers than who is named. I’ll read a poem, and think it has to be by the wife, but it’s not titled with the wife’s name. I’m just confused even more.

I must also admit that, since this is a very nature-oriented book of poetry, I also got lost in the nature imagery quite a bit. That just isn’t my bag. I am all about humanity, fabrication, and artificiality. I am not one that walks out and enjoys the splendidness of nature. Those images just don’t move me as much as the true, human sort of conversation like I saw in Enough Said.

I feel like I can take something away from this book, but it’s mostly a list of things about how not to set up my narrative. I don’t want my work to be this obtuse. I’m sure it’s a great book, and as I said, there were some amazing poems in there. But this just isn’t for me, and I don’t want my own work to turn out this way.

Sunday night, I got home late, and I was greeted by my dog bounding out of the parents’ bedroom, dashing down the stairs, and jumping all over me excitedly. She was so happy to see me, and we sat down and played for awhile.

And this made me very sad.

I called up Brer, and I told him his, and he was confused. “That’s a good thing.”
“I know. She’s happy to see me. She wants me here. She’ll always want me here. Maybe… others won’t.”

It’s stupid, I know. I have my parents assurance that they’ll always love me, and be there for me, and I know they weren’t lying to me. I know they’ll be there. At the same time, it’s that idea that, once things get into fuller swing, they won’t want me there… that idea is upsetting. I thought it had gone away once I told them, but it hasn’t.

I mean, I have plenty of support. I have plenty of people that love me. Hell, even Ian left me a message of support out of nowhere, which was kind of shocking, but nice. I have people behind me, and I will survive.

But it’s always been about my parents. It’s always been about worrying about my parents. That’s always been what’s holding me back. And even though I’ve taken control, and I am not going to give it up, it’s still where my problem lies. I need to start getting electrolysis and stuff, but I’m worried about freaking them out. So I stall. It’s still the same damn thing. Same worries, over and over again.

Comparing that unconditional love of a puppy to the love my parents have for me is unfair. They have their own hopes and dreams. They have things that are important to them. They’re people. They do love me, but they’re going to have reactions to this stuff. They aren’t going to be jumping up and down, happy that I’m doing this. It’s normal. It doesn’t mean they don’t love me. I understand that. Sometimes the voice in the back of my head doesn’t, I guess.

Karen gave me a list of books of poetry that may be relevant to my interests based on what she knew about my own book I was looking at. I didn’t really know what to expect: she hadn’t really see the fairly… sexual side of the book yet. However, if I was going to make this my thesis, I needed to be able to place it in the conversation of poetry. I needed to read more, and her list seemed a good place to start. I ordered up used copies of the more interesting ones on Amazon, to check them out.

Well, I just finished reading Enough Said: a Poetry Dialog Between Father and Son by Michael and Kiev Rattee, and it was pretty fantastic.

There are definite things about it that make it very different from what I am trying to accomplish. My book is two characters, and these are two actual people. This works in a back and forth style, and my book gives all of one side, and then the other. But when I opened up the strangely-built book (the back says that only 250 of these were created, by hand, with a weird printing press, and I would believe it. The texture of the pages is really weird and wonderful, and you can see where it is actually sewn together in the middle. It’s pretty cool.) and read the first poem, “Big Things,” I completely saw glimmers of what I was trying to do in it. It was filled with direct conversation with the other party spliced with poetic images and ideas, and it was just fantastic. I was in love.

From there, the book deviates from that feeling. Michael and Kiev seem to play off of the key image or idea in each other’s work, giving their own spin, and keeping a conversation going. It’s really interesting, though I admit that I missed the direct contact between the two after the first. The conversation turned almost completely to poetic metaphor, with figures standing in for the authors and whatnot. There was nothing wrong with that, really. Many of them were completely excellent poems. But the ones that resonated more with me were poems that more directly expressed their connection, such as “The Sky Is Full” which ends with the lines “as I should have said / I guess at the beginning” which just feels so… real to me. It establishes a connection that I just love seeing, and also works with the theme of the poem, which is talking about how the sky tricks, and Michael is admitting that how he lays out the poem also tricks away from the real meaning. It’s very open and heartwarming. It’s a real emotion there. It means a lot. I loved seeing that throughout the book.

It also spikes near the end, where Kiev apparently was slow in responding, and we get a gentle poetic prod, followed by a lovely poem by Kiev called “Silence,” which is just a perfect end to his side of the conversation. “I’ve talked all evening / with it caught in my throat” Fucking perfect. You can fill the air, but it’s not necessarily with substance. It’s the silence that’s important, at times, and you can’t get it out in the right way.

I feel like I need to read it again to really “get” everything completely? But good poems work that way. To really dig into them, you need to read them multiple times. But the truly good poems still leave you with a strong feeling that first time, and most of this book does this. It’s pretty great.

Makes me look forward to digging into what else Karen suggests for me.

Yeah, okay, so it’s a month away. Yeah, so it’s kind of self-serving. But man, sometimes these birthday things require strategy. Especially when your family has absolutely no clue about the things you are into.

If you remember how much I hate March, the month of my birth, you’ll recall there are many key titles that I have to acquire during that month. (Okay, I don’t HAVE to, but I will.) Many of these would make wonderful birthday gifts. However, accessibility is important. For example, I would trust my parents or grandparents to be able to find Pokemon anywhere. I mean, it’s fucking Pokemon. Same with Final Fantasy XIII. But with things like Chaos Rising, it becomes a tougher sell. Are they going to be able to find such things? Should I put them through that? Probably not.

The plan I am undertaking is just keeping Chaos Rising and Strange Journey to myself. Those are going to be hard to find, and I can handle them. Plus, if I preorder Chaos Rising on Steam, I get a free copy of Saints Row 2, which I’ve been told I should play if I liked Red Faction: Guerrilla and which supposedly has co-op and is a game that Brer already owns. I’ll also score any preorder bonuses that Atlus packages with Strange Journey, which is a benefit. As much as I’m interested in XIII, it can wait, and it will be everywhere, so it won’t be an issue for anyone to pick up. Pokemon, especially, is at the bottom of the list. I love Pokemon, and I want to Pokewalk up a storm, but I don’t need that day one. This is how it works out, and it’ll work out fine.

I sort of wish I didn’t have to do these sorts of things. Being surprised is nice. But I am just so, so far away from what my parents understand in regards to these things. It’s better to be on top of it, and plan, than it is to get things I’m not really into, as that is a negative to both me and the gift-giver, you know?

Planning it does feel kind of selfish, though. Eh, whatever.

Because of some footing-ball event that may have happened this month, the IoTM in Twilight Heroes was the Insanely Super XL Bowl. Now, this is an item I get behind. Not only is it mechanically interesting (and also a bit telling about where TH is going to go in the future) but it’s also just got flavor that, for whatever reason, I find pretty hilarious.

Basically, this is a set of four items, one for each of the character classes. Or, at least, each class gets a special benefit from one of the forms. How do you change between these forms, you ask? Well, you rotate the bowl 90 degrees, and, magically, it becomes a Breastplate! Or a Helmet! Or a shield!
I don’t claim to understand why I find this so hilarious, but I totally do. Mostly because it’s such a mundane way to do such a complete and total transformation. Just the idea of my character casually rotating it a little and then going “WOAH,” just… man, I don’t know. I’m easily entertained, I guess.

The stats on each version also seem very useful. The main bowl itself, with the additional item and chip drops, are something that everyone is going to get a good use out of, especially Elementalists, with the spell damage boost. All of them, though, seem like they would be very relevant to their respective classes, and have their uses outside of them, though perhaps not as something you equip all the time.

What interests me the most, though, is that this really, really seems to indicate that you will be able to cycle through the classes much easier in the future. Retcon? Something like that. There’s just no way that these class-specific bonuses make sense unless you have a good way to switch between them from time to time, and transmogrifying just really isn’t a good way to do that. I look forward to that kind of stuff! I know it’s hard to do, and it’ll probably still be awhile in coming, but I do look forward to it. I’ll hold onto this bowl until then.

I once suggested, casually, that Jonathan try League of Legends. “Oh, it’s like DotA,” I said. “You’d probably enjoy messing around with it.” He said he’d try it.

Now, basically all of his free time is spent playing it. He’s dropped a sum of money on new Champions, and plays at least a game every day, if not more. He’s having a great time.

And I’m along for the ride.

He keeps asking me to play, and I’m more than happy to. Especially when we get on voice chat through Steam and play, it is a ton of fun. I’m finding Champions that fit my play style, and really getting good with them. Just the other day, I went 3/3/5 with Twisted Fate, which I just find completely awesome. (That’s three kills, three deaths, and five assists. I had the lowest death count by a big amount.) I also really have gotten the hang of Taric, who I enjoy every much, even if he has some of the stupidest things to say as he moves about. He fits my play style perfectly, being a strong, heal and buff-based tank.

Every other day or so, Jonathan and I will play a match. We’ll stick together on one lane. Jonathan will give me play advice coming from the fact that he plays all the time, and I’ll play a good game, though certainly a more simple game than some who teleport around the map all the time. It’s… pretty great.
One thing I missed about Jonathan moving out was the fact that we had less time to do things like this. It became a serious schedule issue, and it sort of killed our “us” time. He’s my brother. I want to do this kind of bonding with him. Playing this with him all the time is really doing that for me, and it’s pretty fantastic. Hell, I even re-came out to him while playing LoL. It’s just a great medium for that kind of thing. The fact that it’s fun is just a side benefit.

I have a feeling we’re going to keep playing matches for quite some time. Eventually Jonathan will move on, and I’ll not be interested without him to constantly talk about it and draw me in. But you know what? That’s okay. We’re having a great time, and that’s the important part.

I gave my parents a book on transsexualism the other day. It sort of filled my mom’s face with a look of terror for that moment, but then things calmed down. I wanted to read the whole book, but fuck, I am so busy, I just couldn’t. I read enough for it to hit several strong emotional spikes of “oh fuck, that is exactly what I was going through then” before I decided it was a good idea. There was especially a part where someone was talking about how they built many little perfect people of the right gender to send out into the world and interact, and they did so successfully, but the real her was left behind and lonely, along with the idea that “I could be anything I wanted to be except myself.” Struck home. I remember those times. I still do that, to an extent. Much less than I used to, but, damn. If reading those things could get Mom and Dad to get that concept? Then that is just… excellent.

Anyway, I felt like it was important to give them the book for other reasons too. I feel like I need to keep driving home that this isn’t going away, that it is real, and that it’s going to continue. Not in a mean way. I don’t want to rub it in their face. But they need to realize I’m not sweeping this under the carpet. I need to have a polite hit like that every week to get them used to the idea, don’t I? Probably so.

It’s been so tempting to run up to everyone I interact with and scream “I’m a woman” nowadays. I have a set plan, and this shit is going to happen. I want to celebrate with everyone I know. But it’s not right. I have to plan when I’m going to tell them, and I have to do it the right way. So I hold back. But it’s bubbling up inside me. It’s going to come out sooner or later. It’s going to be glorious.
Just got to be smart about this. Stay calm, do things the right way. I’m grown up enough for that nowadays. I can do it.

There was a new magic set that came out. Fuck if you can tell by looking at the Magic website, though. It is impossible to find information on that thing. Still, we somehow managed to decipher the cryptic runes on the page and determine that Worldview, the latest of the Zanarkand block, was out, and purchased many a pack for a draft.

Impressions: Multikicker is a fine, if unexciting ability. I mean, I liked my Angel that healed me 2 life every time I kicked her. (Which is just a wonderful way to say that, isn’t it?) She saved my ass a few times. But it’s certainly not something one should build a deck around perse. It’s just nice to have. Landfall continues to be decent, and the Allies continue to be completely stupid. Essner had two, count ’em, two of this ally, and it was just so ridiculous. It would be significantly worse if he was running a deck more equipped to take advantage of them. Yeah, I don’t really like how broken the Allies are.

Still, the draft went well. As per usual, it seems, I went with a White-based deck which focused on evasion and flyers. I was augmented by having some really, really good removal in Ioun’s Judgment, which I had gotten two copies of. I was also given an advantage in that apparently everyone else at the table was trying to force Black, and more specifically, Vampires. So they were fighting over black, and I had my pick of White and somewhat of Blue.

We ended up with a three-way tie, though. Essner was the only one who failed! Those occultists were powerful, and when he got them online, they were pretty unstoppable. But without them, his deck kind of fizzled. Spants’ Black/Blue deck had some really annoying and solid creatures, including a tapper that untapped every time you played a land, which was frustrating. Jonathan had a solid Red/Black deck with lots of burn. The highlight of which was him killing me with a land. That stung a bit.

I think what we all learned from the draft, though, was that… we like drafting. Building constructed decks is very, very time-consuming at this point. There’s joy to be found in it, but it’s a lot of work, and certainly isn’t something you want to attempt very often. With drafts, you get all that joy, as well as removing the “oh, he’s playing THAT deck, I’m screwed” element out of the playing field. It’s just a damn good time.
Almost a shame we can only find an excuse every few months when a new deck comes out. Oh well.

Know what’s fucking awesome?

Love.

I have so much love in my life. So fucking much. At times, perhaps, I felt it hidden, through all my shit. But it’s always been there, and I can feel it now, and it is so amazing.

I’ve got a wonderful family who does really care about me, even if they have problems understanding me completely. I’ve got completely fucking kickass friends who are always a joy to be around. I’ve got romantic relationships with people who mean the world to me, even if they aren’t always right there. I’ve got boyfriends and kittens and masters and cubs, friends and acquaintances and gaming buddies, a core family that is nothing but wonderful, and a greater family, that’s all of these people, who mean so damn much to me.

I’ve got so much love in my life, that it makes me want to cry. It’s overwhelming. It’s hard to type this.

I am so lucky.

Thank you. Every single one of you. Know that I love you.
Thank you.