June 30, 2012

Wrapping My Brain Around It

Okay, so recently, I learned guy I am kind of friends with (pretty sure we’re friends, right?) but not super close to is gay. Or at least enjoys boys. He’s now dating someone else I know in a similar friends but only vague acquaintance on good terms friends kind of way. And this sort of made me feel confused and weird. And then I wondered why.

This isn’t the first time this has happened, I guess? I don’t know. Completely different friend, he was talking to some coworkers about relationships and really trying to dodge the question. I was trying to put things together awhile back and sort of decide in my head if he was or was not the sort to have The Leaning (Deep Cut Reference Few Will Get!), and that was why he was kind of dodging the situation, and I wondered why I devoted that much time to worrying about it. I still wonder why I get this urge where I must wrap my head around this. I mean, it doesn’t fucking matter! People can enjoy the company, sexual or otherwise, of whoever they want.

I think it just feels annoying and frustrating because, on an intellectual level, I 100% believe that it is “just a thing” and in no way a big deal or something to define who you are like… overall. It’s just a thing about you, in the same way you might, I dunno, be allergic to strawberries. It’s something that might be useful to know to keep from running into awkward situations, but it doesn’t change someone’s personality or anything silly like that. Yet, when I learn that about someone that my gaydar or whatever you want to call it has gotten a reading on the other way, I find myself a bit unsettled. I feel stupid about it, too.

I guess it’s not that weird to feel awkward about having to adjust one’s mental persona of another person. That’s hard. I mean, I know that’s why so many people had issues they had to work through with my transition and such. But this is so much smaller. I guess it has baggage with it, much like the male/female thing does, but it shouldn’t? And it’s not like I’m going to give a shit about that anyway.

Maybe it’s a worry that I’m missing something I should be doing in how I’m treating them that they’d prefer. “Have I done something that’s made them feel like they shouldn’t tell me? Or was uncomfortable being honest before this point? Did I say something stupid to hurt them because I didn’t know?” It’s a fear, I guess, that I’m going to do something insulting I don’t mean if I don’t make sure to interalize this information completely and think through it. I guess that makes sense, as I’ve seen people make stupid mistakes like that around me and make me feel bad, not that I held that against them. (Well, until they just kind of constantly did it for months and months, then I was like, “Are you even trying? I mean, seriously.”)

Maybe that’s all it is.

I dunno.

June 29, 2012

I Want Animal Crossing 3DS To Not Be Shit.

So here’s a thing I was going to write about back when it was relevant but didn’t. I’m going to do it anyway, though. Neat.

Nintendo kinda went “Yeah, okay, we’re making Animal Crossing on 3DS, and it’s going to use Streetpasses!”

Man, I hope they don’t fuck this up.

Look, I enjoy Animal Crossing. I am pointlessly entertaining writing letters to fake people. I played the Gamecube version so much! But like so many Nintendo properties, they never change it. If they want me to buy this, it’s got to change, and just adding Street Passing isn’t going to do it. I mean, I love Street Passes, even though I can never pull them off. The game should totally have cool Street Pass functionality. But that’s lame, if that’s the only thing. Seriously, look at how lame the online functionality of, say, City Folk was. It was PRETTY LAME. (Or so I heard. Nothing about that game vaguely made me want to buy it!) I need more if they want my money. Swapnote is neat, and proves Nintendo could make some COOL SHIT. Animal Crossing should be full of that.

Animal Crossing needs to go INSANE with Spotpass. I need to be able to write letters to my friends, AND to my friend’s town’s citizens. I need to be able to draw pictures to send to people. (Maybe on different stationary?) I need to be able to hang it on my walls. I need to have citizens from other towns come on vacation to my town and talk to me, and then they go back and tell my friend all about meeting me. I need to be able to make a photo album or something in my town that I can share with people or leave there like a little storybook for visitors. I know, probably, letting people visit my town while I’m away is impossible, but there are so many other things they could put in here. Maybe some group project for the “National” museum that you and all your friends work towards?

I mean, I’m just throwing stuff out here. I know it’s all easier said than done. But the thing is, Nintendo is smart enough to do all this stuff, or stuff that’s even better. They should make it happen. All this, and maybe the ability to digitally download the game and have it always on my 3DS to check in on every once and awhile, would make it a fantastic experience that I would WANT to get back into. I want to be excited about Animal Crossing. But the way Nintendo just rehashes shit and won’t take risks just… well, it’s kept me from playing Pokemon for a long time, and goddamn do I love me some Pokemon. But I can’t handle a Pokemon or a Zelda anymore because they are just too much the same fucking thing. I kind of don’t want that to happen to Animal Crossing for some reason. It has such potential.

June 28, 2012

Presents Are The Only Solution.

Hi, everyone! I’m a blogger! I blog everyday! (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Just kidding, I continue to be a failure.)

Anyway.

I think it’s interesting that my response to feeling monetary pressure is to feel amazing urges to buy people gifts. Like, I’m feeling a lot of monetary pressure right now. Kohl’s sucks, I’m not making near enough money to pay rent, etc, much less, you know, relax and have a good time, and that plus my medical bills are eating through all the money I had saved up for the summer during the semester real quick-like. I’ve been kinda panicking.

And then I, you know, realize I really need to start buying presents for people. Cara and Chris and all kinds of people. Presents! Presents. Exciting.

I mean, I like buying presents! I regret nothing, and it’s not like I’ve spent a lot of money. I’ve not been insane. But it’s still pretty silly of me, I guess.

Coping mechanisms, like buying presents or hiding from a blog or a project I’m supposed to be working on, are really dumb, I guess is what I’m trying to say.

June 17, 2012

Goals: Important?

I like the idea of working out more. I mean, I do. I like the idea of not being so easily winded, and just having a little more all-around stamina. Not so much weight loss or anything. Just stamina, really. We were looking for gyms for us all to join together, and that’s a thing, I suppose, but it makes me really worried. Like, I’m really worried about the idea. Classes would be nice, things would be nice… but I feel like it’s all just going to end up going to waste.

Don’t you need to be passionate about these things to make them work? Don’t you need to have a goal? Like I said, I’d like to not be so easily winded, but that isn’t really an exciting goal. Again, I don’t really care about losing weight, perse, though I’m sure that would be helpful for me to do. I sure as fuck don’t want more muscle. I don’t care about sports or other things where building up physical prowess is going to be something that gives me a big advantage to enjoy. It’s just this thing I’m supposed to be doing. I’m goal-less. And I know me well enough that doing something without a clear goal in mind is just not going to work out for me. Even things I’ve done to be a bit more healthy, such as trying to cut down significantly on things like soda and whatnot, were motivated by improving my budget more than anything, to be honest.

I just don’t know what my goal is here. I don’t know what will end up motivating me to go do that as opposed to work on a project I do care about, or grab some leisure time I may desperately need once the new semester starts, you know? I just don’t have this plan set in my head so that I know it will work, and that makes me worry about putting down money, much less signing a contract.

Goodness, I don’t know. Maybe I’m being dumb about it all. But that’s sort of where I am right now.

June 16, 2012

Appropriately, CJ Cleaned Up The House For The Game, Gaining Favor.

We finally got to play Maid. Like, finally. Well, okay, I finally got to play Maid, and I dragged CJ, Brian, Jonathan, and Kenny with me.

Damn, we had a good time.

I basically created a scenario, like one does when they GM. A crazy inventor lady has a house with maids. Because her company is running out of money, they desperately need an influx of investor capital, so she’s asked to show off the new invention she’s made… which she hasn’t started on yet by the time the game starts. So the maids had to prepare for the inventors coming, but also keep her on track and working.

Brian didn’t want to play, and then I strong-armed him a little, and the played, and had a great time. His maid was a zombie lady who was in a metallic “maid uniform.” Brian called her Dreadnaught-chan. Because, you know. Warhammer. CJ’s maid was a religious fanatic who got his way by being more annoying than people could stand and waiting patiently until they gave in as he tried to change the subject to the word of God. Kenny’s maid was a neat freak who was about the worst at making small talk. Jonathan’s maid was the Princess of Cheese apparently? Also, she could teleport.

Anyway, they didn’t really backstab or anything, but they sure did love to make some crazy schemes! They did all kinds of dumb things to try to cover for their Mistress’… flaws, shall we say? They ordered tons of stuff on the company credit card, fabricated “impressive” crates, and did their best to keep their Mistress from getting back on the MMO she’s been playing recently and keep working.

I think it went quite well, overall. They were mostly basically successful, everyone seemed to have a good time, and nobody really thought it was too creepy! Only mostly creepy. Then again, nobody really tried to seduce anyone, and that’s where it gets creepy. But oh well. Who needs creepy, amirite? Probably?

I don’t know if/when I’ll get to get them to try it again, but it was a pretty great night.

June 15, 2012

Miniblog: Downtime

When you’re living with people and are like… intertwined and whatnot, it’s just kind of amazing how busy you can be when you aren’t doing anything, you know? Like, I don’t know. I feel like my time just evaporates really quickly, and I so rarely have time to just sit, and compute, and do fucking nothing, you know?

I guess, in a way, I’m kind of missing it.

Not that I’m complaining. I’m being so damn social recently, and honestly, that is awesome. That is something that had been missing from my life for way, way too long. But there’s still just… it’s nice to be able to sit down, not worry about anything, and center yourself, you know? I guess I need to figure out how to fit that into my schedule more.

June 14, 2012

Miniblog: What The Holdup Is At The Moment.

There’s always those sorts of tasks that you don’t want to do but then when you do them and get past them things just flow so well, and you wonder why you waffled on it for so long, and things of that nature. There are so many things like that in the world. I’m in one in my game development.

I’ve got this thing to set up that’s going to cause a ton of work throughout the whole, you know, game-making process. It’s a branch that I’m going to have to keep reaccounting for the whole game. But it needs to be done. It’s better if it’s done. But setting it up, getting everything in place, just feels like a huge hassle. I’ve been slowly plunking at it and getting discouraged for awhile now. Once I get it done, I can move on in the plot of my game, and there will be no issue, but here we are. With me not wanting to do the work.

I’ll do it. It’ll get done. Eventually. It’s just silly how it’s holding me up.

June 13, 2012

Miniblog: Moving A Thing Is Traumatic, Apparently.

Today we moved my desk from one side of my office to the other, a process that caused me to fall into hysterics several times and eventually cry for awhile.

No, nothing broke. No, nothing really went all that wrong, besides me stepping on a sharp thing. Yes, all we did was move my desk and a bookshelf. Yes, I am a fucking idiot.

I mean, I know why I get hysterical when there’s big changes to places where I relax and such. I have this whole history of being super ultra dependent on having my spaces being exactly the same time and again so I can feel centered and like the world isn’t total and utter shit, you know? I came to depend on that. Really depend on that. So when that gets disrupted, even when I’m in control and I’m okay with it all and everything, I still get so worked up until things can settle down and I can settle back in. It’s really fucking annoying. I shouldn’t be so stupid.

I really shouldn’t. But here I am, I guess. At least we got the desk moved.

June 12, 2012

No, That’s Perfect. I Just Never Realized John Wayne Walks Like That.

CJ hadn’t seen The Birdcage (I know, right?) so we watched it together a few days ago. The movie is still lovely, but I just found the experience really interesting. The last time I watched The Birdcage was many years ago, when I was still kind of in the closet, hiding, and scared. Now I’m where I am now, and I totally felt differently about the characters.

I distinctly remember not thinking that Val, the son who wants his dads to hide how gay they are to impress his fiancee’s parents, was a huge asshole originally. When I watched the movie now, I was overwhelmed by how much of a dick he was. Sure, in the end, he gets caught and does the right thing once there would be serious, overwhelming consequences not to. But he literally waits until the last possible moment to claim his dads for who they are. He does it because he’s backed into a corner, not because he’s proud of them. He really comes off like a terrible person.

I didn’t used to think that. I understood the incredible fear that coming out of the closet involves. I was hiding, and scared to actually get out and be myself because I expected to be shot down and smacked down for being who I was. Going to such lengths to “tone myself down” and “not rock the boat” made sense to me, even if they sucked.

Now, that’s no longer the case. I associated myself with Armand and Albert so much more than I used to this time around. When Armand told his son “Fuck them, I worked hard to be able to be myself, and I’m not giving that up,” I was like “FUCK YES! Damn right you did!” Because I’ve done that too. When Albert gets really, really hurt about everyone trying to sneakily keep him away from the party so they wouldn’t be embarrassed, I felt that hurt a ton more than I did before, because my mother has done that same exact thing to me. I couldn’t believe their son would hurt them so much, even in the name of love.

I guess things really have changed a lot. I don’t always realize it, but my life is so much different, and so much better. Sometimes it takes something like that, an old experience revisited, to make me see it.

June 11, 2012

Miniblog: Medieval Moves: Deadmund’s Quest Demo

All dumb-ass blog, in a light, easy to digest size! It’s miniblogs.

I played the demo of Medieval Moves: Deadmund’s Quest. You may remember this game from this worst gameplay demo in the world that was very mocked. You watch this, and man, does this game look stupid.

Then I fucked around with it in a Best Buy in St. Louis and had a lot of fun. Luckily, I was not filmed: CJ’s phone was charging in the car. However, it really had fun with it. I was kind of fucking shocked. I was flailing like an idiot at first and laughing at how stupid it was. But soon I found myself really quite engaged with the bow gameplay. Shooting people with the bow in Medieval Moves feels really cool. It just feels unlike most shooting in a video game, at least with two Move controllers. The calibration was a little off in the demo, probably partially because CJ messed with the camera a bit after I started calibrating, and the other part being I was a bit too far away from the screen, but the bow stuff was still really fun. When the enemies got close, it took like two seconds to aim a perfect sword slash at them. I was honestly shocked that it felt good.

Maybe it wouldn’t hold up for a whole game, but I played that demo for, honestly, quite a long time. I was totally engaged. It’s a pretty decent little game. Who knew?