September 7, 2012

Oh, hi. I didn’t see you there.

Hi, blog. How’s it going? Pretty good? Yeah, I’ve been doing okay.

It’s kind of nice having enough going on in your life, and having enough awesome in your life, that I don’t have to update you daily to feel like I’m not a complete failure. I think that’s pretty cool, to be honest. But I do look at you, blog, and I’m kind of sad that there’s no new content on you. It’s kind of creepy, to be honest.


But seriously, life’s been going pretty good, I think. I’ve been teaching quite a lot, and man, did I take on a big course load! But it’ll be worth it, and my classes, for the most part, have really cool people. I’m working on some neat projects with some of my online friends that I’m going to be posting about here when they’re released on the general public. I’ve been crying during sex still. Um… the dog has been all jealous that I’ve been leaving the house more and I’ve been dealing with that. I’ve played a lot of video games. Been playing some Dungeons and Dragons, and been being excited about 13th Age coming out, because man, that looks sweet, doesn’t it?


Seriously, though, it’s a complete relief not to have to update you. I love being able to get home and be exhausted and not go “oh fuck, I have to go type a blog, goddammit,” like I did for so many years. That’s really kind of nice. I’m going to keep taking advantage of that. I hope that’s okay.


August 13, 2012

Too Many Tabs!

I’m tired of all these tabs! Tired of them! Tabs! Have some links!

P-p-p-pony corner!
Can you walk?!
Picture perfect!
Perfect for Wallpapers of Telephones!
Slice of Life!

Animated Gif Corner!
Soccer One!
Soccer Romance!
Sparing Your Enemy!
Cat Climb!
Fox and Dog!
Ultimate Resourcefulness!

Finally, some randomness.

Okay, later!

August 4, 2012

Wants in the Way, An Emotional Stupidblog

Hi, blog. I don’t know why I’m not in bed, but that just feels wrong right now, and I feel like I’d just toss and turn and keep CJ up, so…

Anyway, we never talk any more, so let’s talk, huh, blog? Can we do that?

I told CJ earlier today that right now, the life I’m living now, is the happiest I have ever been. That’s factual, as far as I’m aware. I wasn’t trying to be hyperbolic. It just is so overwhelmingly frustrating when things break that. When I break, and it breaks that. I feel like such a fool, and a fuckup.

Look, okay, I’m going to talk about some personal sexytimes things here, so, you know, if that’s not cool with you, this is no longer the blog for you, and I understand.

I’m basically tired of sobbing uncontrollably every time I try to do something nice and sexy with my boyfriend. It’s, for whatever reason, become MORE constant instead of less, which I would have figured would have been the case. He loves me. He gets me. I have nothing to worry about. But… well… okay, so I got on this new pill… and all the sudden I’m like… super sensitive. Like seriously? And all over. And arousal is more like I had always heard it should be, more of an all-over experience instead of a centralized one. All that is fantastic, though a bit overwhelming (in a good way) at times. But I can’t enjoy it. Because CJ gets me all super-turned on, and then I know exactly what I want him to do and…! It’s physically impossible because I’m fucked up and incorrect. And this shakes me. And I try not to let it bother me, but then all my attention is on not crying instead of, you know, nice stuff, and then eventually CJ notices and asks me if I’m okay and if I try to actually speak a word I start crying. And crying. And crying.
There are so many nice things we could be doing together. So much I can do. So much I can still be involved in. But this breaks me every goddamn time.

I spent a long time trying to suppress things that I wanted, you know? And I found that that fucking sucked. That was terrible, and making me miserable. When I started recognizing that hey, I want things and hey, I deserve things, I felt a lot better. I want this. But I can’t have it. At best it’s thousands of dollars away, which I don’t have. It’s years away, realistically. Years of going to bed and failing to not be an idiot and breaking down and sobbing because my body is so fucked up. And I feel so much better now, overall, that that just feels like an impossible thing to endure. I used to be able to, because I have no choice. Now I feel like I do, and it’s hard. It’s really hard. But I don’t really have a choice. Not yet. And much like my ability to put up masks to hide my shitty emotional state, which completely broke down when I finally started feeling good most of the time, I continue to fail to find the ability to endure this and get on with my life and enjoy what I can do.

I can’t imagine what this must be like for CJ. He can’t really understand this stuff. I’m not really sure how he could help, and he doesn’t know either. He wants to show me he loves me, and he gets me sobbing for an hour for his trouble time and again for his trouble. He says he’s not frustrated as shit, but he must be, right? Fuck.

I don’t know if this actually makes any sense to anyone else, but if you did read it, thanks. I’m going to try to sleep now, I guess.
More blog soon, cause I’m sure as hell not leaving this the top blog post for long.

July 20, 2012

You Should Listen To These Podcasts.

Here are two podcasts you may not be listening to, and if you aren’t, you are a terrible person. Or at least don’t like listening to awesome podcasts.

Idle Thumbs is back. Kickstarted and back officially now. Not progresscasts. The real deal. That’s really all I need to say. But my goodness, it is like… the same show! The same show I always loved. It’s pretty well exactly the same. That is so fucking awesome. Famous does a great job being the third dude. He fits right in. Listen to Idle Thumbs, goddamn.

The other new podcast I’ve been adoring is Retsutalk. Now, if you don’t watch Retsupurae, you probably should be, because slowbeef and Diabetus are pretty awesome and funny dudes. I dunno, I really like them. When they decided to do a podcast, though, I thought that was weird. I wondered if they’d be as entertaining without something to play off of. But Retsutalk is funny and interesting thus far, and I am really, really enjoying it. I hope they keep up with it and keep doing it.

That’s it for now. I’m all lame and not providing you content, so go get some good content from them, yeah? I’ll try to get back in the groove sometime.

July 19, 2012

Business Suits and Anime Ladies

Hi, blog! Let’s just pretend it hasn’t been like a week, yeah?

Last night I started watching this anime called Rin: Daughters of Mnemosyne on Netflix on a whim. I don’t know what I think of it yet. There’s so much sex it in, naked breasts every two seconds, and the whole thing often devolves into fairly graphic (to the point I have to look away) torture porn quite often, with the main character being maimed and injured in really horrific ways. At the same time, it’s kind of mystery-oriented, and the main character SEEMS like a good female character I can get behind? Though I’m still holding out judgement. Maybe I just like her because she wears her sexuality in a not bullshit way, even when she’s fucking guys and girls all the time. Maybe I’m being pandered to. It’s also an hour long anime show, which is weird, but I’m liking the longer format. It’s also a period piece set in the 90’s for no reason, so everyone has pagers and stuff. I want to know why they made that decision. I’m drawn to watch more, so I will. We’ll see what I think in the end.

Anyway, the main character, Rin, is an anime lady, so she has gigantic boobs, but most of the time she wears a suit, vest, tie setup that’s very masculine and binds her chest (Not like, to the point of her looking flat-chested, because gigantic anime boobs, but making her much more androgynous). She’s got like cufflinks, the whole works.

I like that look. I like it quite a bit. I think it’s incredibly sexy. I mean, I’ve always had relationships with more feminine ladies, probably because I’m pretty masculine, and those sorts of girls are lovely, but I’ve always been attracted to a more masculine, powerful woman too… I guess because that’s what I wanted to be. I kind of love anything that blends or breaks those kind of boundaries because of my past.

The point is, I wish I could be that badass sexy lady in a suit like that, but I’d probably just look like a guy, instead of a badass lady in a suit. Even if I found one cut in such a way that that didn’t happen, it’s likely it wouldn’t fit me: it’s impossible to find shit with long sleeves that actually can deal with my long arms. It’s probably a lost cause.

I don’t know. It’s weird that now that I am me I kind of want to embrace my most masculine aspects more. Now that I’m outwardly correct, I guess I no longer feel that constant pressure to hide that stuff so I don’t come off too manly or whatever. Or maybe I’m just more comfortable in general.

I really don’t know. Anyway, that’s a rant. Later, everyone.

June 30, 2012

Wrapping My Brain Around It

Okay, so recently, I learned guy I am kind of friends with (pretty sure we’re friends, right?) but not super close to is gay. Or at least enjoys boys. He’s now dating someone else I know in a similar friends but only vague acquaintance on good terms friends kind of way. And this sort of made me feel confused and weird. And then I wondered why.

This isn’t the first time this has happened, I guess? I don’t know. Completely different friend, he was talking to some coworkers about relationships and really trying to dodge the question. I was trying to put things together awhile back and sort of decide in my head if he was or was not the sort to have The Leaning (Deep Cut Reference Few Will Get!), and that was why he was kind of dodging the situation, and I wondered why I devoted that much time to worrying about it. I still wonder why I get this urge where I must wrap my head around this. I mean, it doesn’t fucking matter! People can enjoy the company, sexual or otherwise, of whoever they want.

I think it just feels annoying and frustrating because, on an intellectual level, I 100% believe that it is “just a thing” and in no way a big deal or something to define who you are like… overall. It’s just a thing about you, in the same way you might, I dunno, be allergic to strawberries. It’s something that might be useful to know to keep from running into awkward situations, but it doesn’t change someone’s personality or anything silly like that. Yet, when I learn that about someone that my gaydar or whatever you want to call it has gotten a reading on the other way, I find myself a bit unsettled. I feel stupid about it, too.

I guess it’s not that weird to feel awkward about having to adjust one’s mental persona of another person. That’s hard. I mean, I know that’s why so many people had issues they had to work through with my transition and such. But this is so much smaller. I guess it has baggage with it, much like the male/female thing does, but it shouldn’t? And it’s not like I’m going to give a shit about that anyway.

Maybe it’s a worry that I’m missing something I should be doing in how I’m treating them that they’d prefer. “Have I done something that’s made them feel like they shouldn’t tell me? Or was uncomfortable being honest before this point? Did I say something stupid to hurt them because I didn’t know?” It’s a fear, I guess, that I’m going to do something insulting I don’t mean if I don’t make sure to interalize this information completely and think through it. I guess that makes sense, as I’ve seen people make stupid mistakes like that around me and make me feel bad, not that I held that against them. (Well, until they just kind of constantly did it for months and months, then I was like, “Are you even trying? I mean, seriously.”)

Maybe that’s all it is.

I dunno.

June 29, 2012

I Want Animal Crossing 3DS To Not Be Shit.

So here’s a thing I was going to write about back when it was relevant but didn’t. I’m going to do it anyway, though. Neat.

Nintendo kinda went “Yeah, okay, we’re making Animal Crossing on 3DS, and it’s going to use Streetpasses!”

Man, I hope they don’t fuck this up.

Look, I enjoy Animal Crossing. I am pointlessly entertaining writing letters to fake people. I played the Gamecube version so much! But like so many Nintendo properties, they never change it. If they want me to buy this, it’s got to change, and just adding Street Passing isn’t going to do it. I mean, I love Street Passes, even though I can never pull them off. The game should totally have cool Street Pass functionality. But that’s lame, if that’s the only thing. Seriously, look at how lame the online functionality of, say, City Folk was. It was PRETTY LAME. (Or so I heard. Nothing about that game vaguely made me want to buy it!) I need more if they want my money. Swapnote is neat, and proves Nintendo could make some COOL SHIT. Animal Crossing should be full of that.

Animal Crossing needs to go INSANE with Spotpass. I need to be able to write letters to my friends, AND to my friend’s town’s citizens. I need to be able to draw pictures to send to people. (Maybe on different stationary?) I need to be able to hang it on my walls. I need to have citizens from other towns come on vacation to my town and talk to me, and then they go back and tell my friend all about meeting me. I need to be able to make a photo album or something in my town that I can share with people or leave there like a little storybook for visitors. I know, probably, letting people visit my town while I’m away is impossible, but there are so many other things they could put in here. Maybe some group project for the “National” museum that you and all your friends work towards?

I mean, I’m just throwing stuff out here. I know it’s all easier said than done. But the thing is, Nintendo is smart enough to do all this stuff, or stuff that’s even better. They should make it happen. All this, and maybe the ability to digitally download the game and have it always on my 3DS to check in on every once and awhile, would make it a fantastic experience that I would WANT to get back into. I want to be excited about Animal Crossing. But the way Nintendo just rehashes shit and won’t take risks just… well, it’s kept me from playing Pokemon for a long time, and goddamn do I love me some Pokemon. But I can’t handle a Pokemon or a Zelda anymore because they are just too much the same fucking thing. I kind of don’t want that to happen to Animal Crossing for some reason. It has such potential.

June 28, 2012

Presents Are The Only Solution.

Hi, everyone! I’m a blogger! I blog everyday! (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Just kidding, I continue to be a failure.)


I think it’s interesting that my response to feeling monetary pressure is to feel amazing urges to buy people gifts. Like, I’m feeling a lot of monetary pressure right now. Kohl’s sucks, I’m not making near enough money to pay rent, etc, much less, you know, relax and have a good time, and that plus my medical bills are eating through all the money I had saved up for the summer during the semester real quick-like. I’ve been kinda panicking.

And then I, you know, realize I really need to start buying presents for people. Cara and Chris and all kinds of people. Presents! Presents. Exciting.

I mean, I like buying presents! I regret nothing, and it’s not like I’ve spent a lot of money. I’ve not been insane. But it’s still pretty silly of me, I guess.

Coping mechanisms, like buying presents or hiding from a blog or a project I’m supposed to be working on, are really dumb, I guess is what I’m trying to say.

June 17, 2012

Goals: Important?

I like the idea of working out more. I mean, I do. I like the idea of not being so easily winded, and just having a little more all-around stamina. Not so much weight loss or anything. Just stamina, really. We were looking for gyms for us all to join together, and that’s a thing, I suppose, but it makes me really worried. Like, I’m really worried about the idea. Classes would be nice, things would be nice… but I feel like it’s all just going to end up going to waste.

Don’t you need to be passionate about these things to make them work? Don’t you need to have a goal? Like I said, I’d like to not be so easily winded, but that isn’t really an exciting goal. Again, I don’t really care about losing weight, perse, though I’m sure that would be helpful for me to do. I sure as fuck don’t want more muscle. I don’t care about sports or other things where building up physical prowess is going to be something that gives me a big advantage to enjoy. It’s just this thing I’m supposed to be doing. I’m goal-less. And I know me well enough that doing something without a clear goal in mind is just not going to work out for me. Even things I’ve done to be a bit more healthy, such as trying to cut down significantly on things like soda and whatnot, were motivated by improving my budget more than anything, to be honest.

I just don’t know what my goal is here. I don’t know what will end up motivating me to go do that as opposed to work on a project I do care about, or grab some leisure time I may desperately need once the new semester starts, you know? I just don’t have this plan set in my head so that I know it will work, and that makes me worry about putting down money, much less signing a contract.

Goodness, I don’t know. Maybe I’m being dumb about it all. But that’s sort of where I am right now.

June 15, 2012

Miniblog: Downtime

When you’re living with people and are like… intertwined and whatnot, it’s just kind of amazing how busy you can be when you aren’t doing anything, you know? Like, I don’t know. I feel like my time just evaporates really quickly, and I so rarely have time to just sit, and compute, and do fucking nothing, you know?

I guess, in a way, I’m kind of missing it.

Not that I’m complaining. I’m being so damn social recently, and honestly, that is awesome. That is something that had been missing from my life for way, way too long. But there’s still just… it’s nice to be able to sit down, not worry about anything, and center yourself, you know? I guess I need to figure out how to fit that into my schedule more.