June 7, 2012

A Dumb Thing I Still Have To Think About.

I’m talking to this lady at work, and we’re talking about relationships for whatever reason (I think I mentioned CJ in something and she asked me basic relationship questions or something, I dunno) and she’s talking about her past experiences and I’m like “Okay, empathy time, I’m going to tell this story and relate to her situation and stuff” and then I realize that story makes no sense unless it’s obvious I’m a transsexual, and I cannot remember if she’s worked there long enough to know that about me. In fact, I was pretty sure she hadn’t, and I wasn’t going to tell her if it was otherwise, because that’s dumb. But I was also at a loss on what to say at that point without being able to relate via my story.

Later on, I’m talking with Stiv, and I go into this discussion about friend problems, and they all revolve around me being trans, which he knows. But it then occurs to me how many of my serious problems and things I really worry about revolve around me being a transsexual. Like, a lot of them do. Quite a lot.

That’s kind of depressing, right?

I just remember how refreshing it was, after I transitioned, to suddenly have “normal” problems like getting a good job and things like that. I’m like, thank goodness I can actually focus on my life now! But I never really got past all that, I suppose. I worry about these issues all the time still, from trying to figure out how I’m going to budget for future surgeries to dumb things like “that would be a fun weekend but I don’t think I can swim in my current state so I guess I shouldn’t go.” It’s just depressing to realize how much of my life is still dictated by this bullshit, and how much I still have to take it into account in everything I do.

Today I kind of realized that. That’s pretty frustrating.

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