April 9, 2012

A Moment. Just a single passing moment.

I feel like I’m always writing about moments nowadays when I talk about this sort of stupid stuff. It’s never shitty days, or weeks, or years. It’s just one moment where all of the sudden I’m shaken. I doubt like I used to. A moment where I want to fall apart. Sometimes I do. Often I don’t, because I can’t afford to.

It’s nice to be able to fall apart, though. I’ve been doing it in front of CJ lately. A thing leads to another in my head and then I’m back to my old self, my depressed self, who basically can’t accept that nice things are happening to her. It’s stupid. It’s frustrating. It makes me cry and hide and generally want to smack myself. But he listens and has understood, which just… it’s nice. I mean, I’ve fallen apart in front of Brer before. He’s had stupid phone calls aplenty. He’s seen me fucked up too. But in person, it’s just… I’m way more vulnerable. I can’t hide. I can’t get out of the situation. Online, I can just step away. Even on the phone, I can just hang up. But there I am, a stupid fool, and I can’t get away… and it’s okay. He’s still there. I always worry that if anyone knows about my little episodes, they won’t want to be around me anymore. They won’t want to be here. I’ll stop being a positive influence. But it doesn’t work like that. I let it out, and I can move on. Bottling it up is bad shit… I’m glad I don’t have to.

Still, those are big moments. Those are big deals. The little stuff is just as upsetting, perhaps, but I have to just move on from it and keep going.
An example: Mike, a man I worked with long ago, stopped by Kohl’s. He greets me by my old name. I panic. There’s just this wave of remembering. It’s a link back to how things used to be. It shook me.
I recovered real fast. I told him my name was Alexis now, and asked him how he was doing, and then got back to work. But just these stupid moments. Stupid moments.

I’m fine. I’m great. It’s just unfortunate when I stumble. It bothers me to some extent. It shouldn’t be like that.
But oh well. I’ll get the worries out, on this blog or with those I trust or whatnot, and move on. Things will keep being cool. Cool? Cool.

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