March 31, 2012

My Incredible Intimacy Failure

Is it okay if I write about this, blog? I’m going to write about this, I think. Just don’t… you know. If it’s uncomfortable-making, don’t read it. As the title suggests, it’s about sex. So, you know.

Aesa and I were laying together in a bed, as people in a relationship who live together at times do. Then things started happening and he started doing things to me as someone in a relationship with someone else often does. Then everything fell apart.

Okay, so we’ve done sexy things before, and it’s been wonderful. Totally wonderful. It’s not like this is the first time. But for whatever reason, this time… this time I couldn’t get over it. I couldn’t get over the reality of what he was doing, of what equipment I had, and how who I was clashed with that. I couldn’t focus on the nice feelings, and the fact that he’s all involved in such things because he cares about me, wants me, not this body I’m stuck in, and things like that which have been the cornerstone of getting over my stupid self in the past.

Instead, I ended up just kind of asking him to stop, curling up, and just sobbing for awhile. He clearly didn’t know what to do. He was trying to be helpful, comforting, but it just wasn’t a thing he could do anything about at that point. I couldn’t stop myself from crying. I felt terrible, like a freak, and I couldn’t shake that feeling. When I started calming down from that, I got onto the idea that this breakdown was going to somehow keep him from wanting to do this sort of thing again in the future, and I cried even more.

I get into this state where I think I’m alright, you know? Life is going fucking fantastic, and everything is going my way. Seriously. I’m over my issues, I tell myself. I’m happy, insanely happy, for the first time in my life. And it’s true. But then there are moments like this where all of the sudden that doubt, those issues, just burst forward and ruin everything. I feel like I can’t help it. I feel like I don’t have control over it. It’s terrible. Fucking terrible. Even today this shit gets in the way. It’s no fair.

Aesa understands. Brer understands. It’s not like there will be a problem. It’s not like they’re going anywhere. Nothing is really ruined. But fuck. Just… fuck. I really wish I wasn’t so fucked up.

[…] appointment was fine. I talked about sex, and about the stuff I talked about a few days ago. It was still all awkward, but at least I got it out there, I […]

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