January 31, 2012

A Blog Where I Try To Break Down What Happened. Not Necessary Reading.

I’m going to write about what happened, because I still don’t really know.

Basically, my boss e-mailed me saying that my syllabi were not up to the guidelines they have at the college. There were some crossed wires, and I didn’t do them right. He did not paint this as a big deal, but just laid out what the guidelines were to make sure I fixed it. I e-mailed him back, apologizing, and saying I’d fix them as soon as possible.

Then I freaked the fuck out.

For whatever reason, this bit of information caused me to panic so badly that I couldn’t work, couldn’t sleep, and still feel emotionally exhausted and taxed as I write this right now. I could not handle the fact that I had let my new boss down, who I feel has done a lot for me and put a lot of faith in me, on something so trivial that caused him to waste his time chasing me down. This minor setback, in the grand scheme, was, in my head, a herald of how terrible a teacher I am and how I can’t cut it. This is not true. I’m a great teacher, and I know it. I make mistakes like everyone, and I’m learning these new classes, but I am a great teacher. But in that moment, I was convinced. I had wondered if I was doing those right, and had decided that it was fine, and that turned out wrong. I was a failure.

I called people. I freaked out. It took me hours to calm down so I could sleep, and again, I’m still shaken. I can’t remember the last time I have fallen apart like this. It’s literally been years since I had such a downward spiral where I was convinced of my own worthlessness. I’ve been getting help. I’ve been transitioning. These aren’t thoughts I have every moment of the day anymore. But here we are.

Brer says I’m under a lot of stress. I agreed to this trip, which I’m worried about planning. I’m working more than ever before, with classes I’m unfamiliar with and a sleep schedule I still haven’t totally gotten the hang of. I’m running this Mafia game, which takes a lot of work and I take probably way too seriously than I should. I’ve got a lot of plates spinning. He says that for whatever reason, this just ended up being the thing that opened the floodgates. I guess I can understand that. But that doesn’t leave me with much knowledge of what to do about it. None of these things are things I’m willing to let go, and I’ve got this job interview Wednesday which, if I get it, means even MORE stress for this semester. Plus, Brer moving in, waiting and figuring all that out… I don’t know what I can do to relieve that pressure if that’s really what’s going on.

I just… I wonder if that stress is why I’ve been feeling sick to my stomach all the time. Not like, enough to throw up or for it to stop me? But just a general feeling. I don’t know.

I’m going to get what I need to do done. I’m going to let Aesa visiting help relax me. I’m going to survive. That was never in question. I’m no longer in the ending it all business. I’m going to survive.

I just hope stupidity like last night doesn’t happen again.

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