The Blogtastic Blogfest That Is Getmeoutofthis.net!

Today I had a little breakdown.

I came home from a busy day in St. Louis to find my mother in the computer room, having disassembled the modem and router setup. This strikes fear into my heart. I try not to react too harshly, as I know she’s trying to help. I ask her what this means about me relaxing with my food before work. She tells me I can’t relax, and that if I have time to relax I should help her, because I need to unhook everything else in the room and get it out of there so she can work.

I freak out even more at this, because the carpeting isn’t getting put in until Thursday. I’d be computerless, probably, until at least Friday afternoon under this plan. I attempt to figure this out, and she tells me that she needs the cables out of here, but that I should hook the router back up so she can use her laptop. I know this is her trying to lighten the mood, but it still rubs me the wrong way.

I decide to try to compromise, and start taking apart all my game systems and my TV. I won’t be able to play any games, but I’ve been too depressed and busy to anyway, so maybe that’s fine. In doing this, I knock over the closet door she has precariously perched on the wall next to my computer. It slams into my computer tower. I freak out, and turn on the computer to check it. It makes a horrible noise. I open the case, see no issues, close the case, it still makes the noise, I freak out more. Finally I notice a wire knocked loose. I fix it. It works. I start crying.

In some ways, I feel kind of lame for reacting like that. In others, I feel completely justified. Life sucks right now. I am trying my best, but fuck. I am pretty unhappy. I can only really unwind in here. This is where I can hide from things and recover. This is where I can calm down. But I can’t even have that anymore. I can’t even have anything. All because of this stupid carpet, and everything going on. Everything. I can’t have anything.

I mean, that’s not true. But fuck. Everything I have to fight for. Every little thing.

After this silly thing, people were asking me if I was okay. I was shaken. I’m still shaken, though I’m steadier now. Being able to type like this to you, having access to my friends and my daily routine with this computer… it is a lot of what keeps me balanced. Steady. Stable. It helps me not be completely depressed. I just…

Fuck.