The Blogtastic Blogfest That Is Getmeoutofthis.net!

So one of the things I got for Christmas was this Anotherholic book. It’s actually kind of shockingly lame, since it amounts to xXxholic licensed fiction, and we all know how amazing licensed fiction is. (Not that there’s anything wrong with it, though, if it’s a series you like. Knock yourself out! And I mean, there is good stuff out there that’s licensed. But in general? Plenty of crap.)
Still, it’s fun stuff to me, who is such a rabid fan of the series. It makes some weird decisions, though, like strongly pretending it’s three anime episodes and having, like, an opening credits sequence in each one just printed in the book? It’s also extremely wordy. I mean, I guess xXxholic can get wordy, but I don’t know. It just feels dense, where most of the time the manga doesn’t, besides a few of Yuuko’s speeches and whatnot. Then again, I suppose Yuuko has more speeches in this book, too… heh… anyway, I am totally enjoying it.

However, like actually xXxholic, it’s just making me very introspective and forcing me to think about myself. Last night, in what I was reading, Yuuko said something along the lines of “There is nothing more self-centered than thinking everything is your fault.” That sort of hit me right to the core, I suppose.
I don’t think about myself as a self-centered person. I mean, I guess I think of myself as a “small world” person, where I have this sphere of influence and everything in it is extremely important and everything outside of it can fuck off because I just don’t care. Then again, I suppose in the middle of that world is me, you know? Maybe it is self-centered… maybe I am self-centered, because that certainly is something I have a huge problem with. I always feel like everything is my fault, that I fucked up, and that it’s all on my shoulders. I’ve been trying to break that habit, but it still happens often.
I mean, hell, I write a blog where I talk about me, me, me, constantly, all the time, and I have been for years. Maybe I am self-centered…

I guess the question then becomes whether or not that’s a bad thing… I was always told by nice people that you need to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else. Goodness knows I still have problems with myself that need to be addressed, so maybe it’s alright. And hell, isn’t everyone self-centered to some extent?

But dammit, I don’t want to make excuses…

I want, most of all, to be a positive force on people around me… I don’t think being self-centered is the way to be that positive force… you know? It’s all something, a bad habit, I should probably break, I guess…
It’s weird, though, because one of the things I’ve been working on so hard in myself recently is just to be honest with shit. I want x, or y, and I should just say it and be done with it. I shouldn’t beat around the bush, or hope quietly and stew on it and generally be unhappy. I should just say it, admit it, and go for it. I’ve been working so hard to make that happen in my life, and now just to look at it and notice how selfish and self-centered that is… I don’t know.

I don’t know.

So, the results are in, and I got all A’s. Even after those bitches of finals there (Heh, I got a 75 on one, but my grade was so high I still got an A overall. And I somehow managed a near-perfect on the other final. Who knew?) I managed to pull it off. This is the first time that’s happened in a long time.

Still, it doesn’t really feel like a victory. I hadn’t worked this hard in so long, and it’s very obvious to me now why I didn’t. I got all A’s… so what? What does that get me? There’s nothing all that heartache and effort gained me, really. Just a bunch of letters on a piece of paper. I just… I don’t feel like it was worth the shitty time I had. I really don’t.
It’s not only that, but it’s the fact that I knew all along that if I tried I’d get all A’s. I’m smart, you know? I really am. Anything lower than an A on my part was always a matter of not applying myself enough more than not being able to do it. Actually getting the A’s is more of a “as it should be” than something I’d pat myself on the back about…

Still, I suppose I only have to do it all one more time, huh… I suppose I did gain that. But this really feels like an empty victory. I wish I wasn’t.

Hey, I guess it’s Christmas Eve, huh? Man, it’s come so fast… I don’t really believe it… heh, but Christmas is nice. Will be nice. Yes.

So we took a bunch of Christmas family pictures like we do every year, and just like we do every year, it was an exercise in frustration, with my mother running around, constantly changing things and dressing me and my brother up and all kinds of shit. I mean, I guess that’s all to be expected. All families go through that bullshit, I expect. But goodness, it just really gets on my nerves. It’s not just because I feel like she’s constantly picking out flaws in who I am while we’re doing this, saying I don’t smile and so many other things, and it’s not just because she makes me stare and stare at pictures of myself to find every flaw when I’m all wrong and she should know it if she cares… and then she refuses to look at herself because she can’t stand to look at herself… it’s not any of those things, although they are all certainly complaints that I have.

No, what bothers me is that I feel like she is trying to set up a picture of the family she wants, as opposed to the family she has. It’s always been obvious that I’m not what she wanted. I mean, she wanted me to be a son, for one thing. But as she makes me do everything I never do to myself and look how I never look, I just feel like she doesn’t want me there. She wants this perfect idea of me instead. She wants the me she wishes I was, instead of the me I am.
I just don’t get the point of even taking a family picture if that’s the case. It should be a picture of all of us, as we are. And sure, dressing up is appropriate, and I’m more than willing to give it a go, but it should still be my thing, shouldn’t it? I should still look like me? I should still be me in the picture? And I mean, why not have some pictures where we’re looking normal. Isn’t that more likely to remind of good times when you look at the picture? Or am I just completely crazy for thinking so?

In any case, it’s over now, but I’m just left with such an empty feeling. Maybe it’s just because the camera stole my soul or something. I don’t know. And it’s not like I want to completely bitch at my mom. I do love my mom, even if I have a ton of things I wish she would do to make it a less stressful time for me to be around her. It just… all this stuff just reminds me head on how wrong I am, and how wrong these people, who are very close to me, see me… and honestly it’s just pretty depressing, I guess.

Yay holidays, huh?

Why I Want Attention
An Essay By Alexis Long

The reason that I want attention is.

I mean, fuck, I dunno. The thing that really gets me is that here are people wanting to do something with me and then I turn them down because it’s not the right kind of attention. How fucking stupid can I be, you know? Geh.
I hate myself when I get like this. I have wonderful friends. I don’t need to be like this. I am such an idiot. Such. An. Idiot.

Anyway, that’s totally lame, so let’s talking about things that aren’t totally lame.

I have found a new favorite Jamiroquai song, and that song is The Kids. I’ve listened to it approximately 40 million times these past two days. Man, seriously, is there anything NOT awesome about Jamiroquai? Cause I love thems so much.
Also, my iPod touch makes me actually pay attention to album art. Why does all the Jamiroquai albums have the guy from Ico on them?

So earlier the Calories Man walk all having trouble thinking of what to write for Gamespite and talking to me. And I had a good idea for a blog post that didn’t apply to him: Podcast-friendly games. I find I don’t really have any of those right now. Well, besides my browser RPGs. I can’t listen to podcasts while playing Fable because I find the dialog too entertaining to miss. I keep wanting to play some version of HoMM to scratch this itch, but don’t want to try to find my discs nor spend money, so I don’t. Anyway, is it sad that, at any particular moment, I would like to have a portable game, a podcast-friendly game, and a game game? Maybe that’s greedy. I dunno. I mean, they can overlap, if they wanted.

Anyway, I’m going to end this thing. I hope you didn’t read the beginning. Or any of it, I suppose, there’s not a lot of value in it.

So this post is about various online relationship stuff, so if that’s of no interest to you, then, well, feel free to skip it.

Back when I joined LJM with Brer, I met a girl named fayne. Basically, she’s just flat out awesome. Soft. Make-me-shiver flirty at times. The sort of person who I feel like I can just talk about myself to, and she’ll be genuinely interested. On a little MUCK thing based around sex, all we’ve really done is snuggle and talk. And it’s just… it’s great. I freely admit I have a crush, or whatever you want to call it, on her.
And that’s the problem, I guess. Because I really like her, I find myself, each time I see her, being more and more worried that I’m not doing the right thing. I want her to like me. I want her to like me so we can spend more time together. And I mean, she does like me. But I just worry and worry, and I get stuck and I can’t make things go anywhere and then I worry more about that… ugh, it’s frustrating.

I can blame a little bit on internal power confusion that I feel in our relationship. fayne calls it hierarchy, and that’s a good word for it, but I feel it’s more instinctual. Basically, when I interact with people, I just get a feeling where our power is in relationship to each other. If I’m below them, then it’s no problem, I’m just submissive. If I’m above, I’m my own little flavor of dominant. With people I know really well, we can easily and sort of instinctually negotiate fluctuation in this to get things done.
The problem comes when I feel like I’m really even with someone and I have to interact with them. Suddenly I don’t know if I should take the lead, or hold back, and I worry that if I take the lead I’ll do something wrong, or if I don’t take the lead that’s doing something wrong. I feel like I’m on that level with fayne. We’re kindred spirits, or so I like to think. I never know how much power to apply, even though we’re in a MUCK where it’s kinda clear that I’m supposed to do such things.
But I can’t just do anything I want, because I care very much about what she thinks. I mean, anyone I play with in a dom/sub scenario, I care about them having fun. But in most, it’s just… before we get started, I make damn sure that anything I say is fine to say. They can always tell me no if they don’t want it, but the rules are very clear that I am right to want any ridiculous thing I want, you know? I don’t feel like that with fayne. So I worry. And worry.

I don’t know, I feel like I should be over this bullshit by now. I feel like, at some point, I got over all of my social awkwardness by being confident in who I am. Sure, I worry, but I’ve decided that, as long as I’m confident I’m doing the right thing, nobody is going to hate me for it. I can just be myself, I can be open and honest, and if people don’t like it, well, I’ll still be polite to them, but they’re probably not the kind of person I want to deal with anyway. I really, seriously do have so much more confidence around people, especially online. I shouldn’t have these problems. I should just say “Fine, I’ll just do this.” And do it. And by doing something, be better off.
But somehow she takes all that away from me. Well, not takes. I don’t for one second believe any of this awkwardness is her fault. It’s all internal inside of me. She is having an affect on me, but it’s how i”m processing it that is making me feel like this.

I should be better than that.

Maybe it’s her signals. Maybe it’s the way we can be doing something, and she’ll do something to make me shiver, affect me in that way, and then go back to what we were doing. Maybe it’s the way I’m always caught off guard and delighted by that. How I want more of that, but I get the feeling that’s all she wants from it. Yet I’m supposed to be in power, so I should have it, but I’m too worried she doesn’t want it. Gah, I don’t know.

I really should be better than this bullshit worrying and frustration, though. No matter what, I believe we’re building a solid friendship here, one that we both want. I really shouldn’t be worrying about it. I should just be enjoying myself.

I should just be enjoying myself.

I’m blogging from the computer lab at Grauel. Oh, how my free time has been diminished, to force me into this. So damn sad, it is. But hey, let me take this pre-class time to do a little bit of rambling, eh?

I guess I could write a list of things that my busy-ness is keeping me from. So here it is, eh?

• Playing more of either of our two Dungeons and Dragons Campaigns.
• Finishing up Dragon Quest IV before the next game I need comes out.
• Playing all my turns in KoL and Twilight Heroes on a daily basis.
• Sleeping.
• Getting anywhere in Mega Man 9.
• Blogging.
• Spending time with online friends.
• Keeping my moodiness under control.

Yeah, so that’s nice. I guess this is a complaining post, sorry about that.
I’ve just been really stressed out lately, you know? The last few nights, I get finally to the point where I can relax and I spend all of it all stressed and moody and bothering Brer about it. It’s been pretty ridiculous. But eh, let’s see, what are some positive things to counteract it…

• I’ve been getting all my work done early and turning everything in and attending every single one of my classes.
• I’ve got some really great games to enjoy when I do have free time.
• I have a wonderful boyfriend who understands and doesn’t get frustrated when I come to him moody.

Yeah, that’s all I got I guess. I mean, those are good things. But dammit, I am already tired of this semester so bad, and there are 10 weeks left to go. Bleh.

I’ll tell you what, blog. I’ll try to write some nice stuff soonish, eh? Perhaps some rambling about Mega Man 9, or at the very least stuff about the new IoTMs next week. Or this or that or something or other. Soon. Maybe.

Anyway, what else do I have to talk about… well, Jonathan continues to try to pull me into this 3.5 edition DnD campaign that someone he kinda knows but not really wants to put together. I’m very, very wary of someone who would be unwilling to try the 4th edition rules, because they’re so much fun and cut away a lot of the stupid crap, and you can still use all the lore stuff from the older editions that they cut out, if lore gives you a big hard on, you know? So I’m wary of this campaign, and keep trying to hint at Jonathan to do it without me, but he’s bound and determined, and I would MIND, perse. I’m just not excited.
He keeps asking me what class I want to be and stuff, and I’m not all that excited about it. Anyone have any really fun builds? What I want is to be something I enjoy, even if it’s completely useless. My idea is to be a werefox with a fox familiar who is a dedicated healer, but that’s not actually possible I think. I really want the familiar, though. Anyone have any ideas who knows 3.5 edition for a build?

Eh, in the end, I probably don’t really care. It’s not like I have any time to set aside for the campaign I WANT to play, much less this one I don’t.
Ha ha!
Ha.

I’m too damn busy.

So, here’s the bad news.
I’m not graduating this semester.
I’ve already done my screaming and crying about it, and generally being annoyed at the oversights of me and my advisors with this stuff that has lead to this. But it’s a little late now. I have to take one more semester. Yaaaay? At least it can basically be a semester full of whatever the hell I want, since I have all my requirements out of the way basically, and I’ve had a long talk with the graduation woman and am pretty damn positive that as long as I pass all my shit, I won’t have any more issues. Which is good. A good thing. Good as can be expected. Salvaged.

Now I will make a list of reasons why this isn’t so bad.
1) More time with my friends around here, who I love dearly.
2) Don’t have to put up with complete life disruption yet, which is going to be hard.
3) Don’t have to worry about finances for another 6 months.

That’s all I got. Do you have any others? I mean, I’m going to enjoy all those things. But it still sucks. Yesssssss… still sucks.

Anyway, welcome to another school semester. I’ve not been keeping up with blogging cause I’ve been all distracted with things. Some of those things are bad things, like that bad news, and some of them are good things, like all the fun I’ve been having over at the completely Not Safe For Work Le Jardin Mystique MUCK that Brer introduced me to and I’ve been having a blast with. Also, awesome downloadable games, like Bionic Commando: Rearmed, and even, surprisingly, Galaga Legions.
I suck at both, of course, but utterly and completely at Galaga. I tried it when depressed, and it was fun, and so, in depressive weakness, I splurged and bought it. It’s still fun! The little satellite mechanic is completely sweet, and basically makes you feel like an empowered bad-ass, even when you’re dying constantly like I am. The fact that you can try any stage without getting to it in Challenge mode is also a boon. I figure I’m going to keep playing it in little spurts here and there…

Anyway, yes… I’ll try to be better at the blogging, blog. I don’t feel like anyone particularly misses it when I don’t, but I miss it. It feels wrong to be so lax…

So on Tuesday, CJ from Talking Time is apparently getting institutionalized. Which, I mean, that’s good. That he’s getting help. But it’s also kind of shocking to me how close we’ve gotten and how concerned I am. Not that that’s bad, just sort of… you know, you never realize you have some feelings until you have them? Before all this, I probably wouldn’t have been able to guess it would affect me this much, even though, you know, we’re friends. But then it happens and I realize, you know, we’re really good friends? I don’t know, I don’t think I’m summing up the situation well.
In any case, I wish I had something more helpful to offer him, and I hope things work out well for him, and that all this helps him turn things around. It also makes me think about my problems and how I’m not doing anything to take care of them… makes me feel like I should. I don’t know.
I really don’t know.
But again, super-best wishes his way. Yeah.

Anyway, you didn’t come here for that, you came here for a report of our first DnD game! Well, um, too bad. I’m all moody thinking about this. I’ll try to type that up tomorrow, but, short version: It went well, even if there were some minor issues, and everyone wants to play again, so that’s awesome.
But yeah, lighter post in the morning, hopefully.

So this is mostly just a moody day post, feel free to scroll down and read me rambling about my little games.
But I’m really moody today, and it’s flooding and shit, and I dunno. I’ve got to keep it together for the rest of the week, but this has been an inauspicious start. I know that once I take that first step towards keeping it together, and not give in, I’ll make it, even if I am moody. I have to do that tomorrow. Wish me luck on that, eh?
Anyway… I guess I’ll get back to the moody-ness. I’m sure I have a lot of it to get through before work.

So today was a day of fighting with Brer for the whole day.
I don’t want to state his position. I think I get it, but I worry about sparking more fighting. So I’ll just talk about my side, I don’t know. Time to test having a break here. Go under it by clicking on the post title for more about this. Otherwise, I dunno, tune in tomorrow for more rambling about Smash Brothers or something.