The Blogtastic Blogfest That Is Getmeoutofthis.net!

And after two days of emotional breakdown bullshit, I’m going mostly silent!
Yay?

Seriously, though, I’m picking up Aesa today. I need to sleep now so I can do that, as well as be awesome at my job interview tomorrow morning, and while he’s here, I’m just not going to be taking much time to blog. I have priorities! Of some sort, anyway. So, you know. Not going to be much blogging.

I am still going to post something, but I’d expect it to be mostly little autobiographical snippets of what I did with Aesa that day. Nothing truly interesting, I guess? But it’ll be something. I can’t stand the idea of posting nothing. I’m easily bothered by stupid things.

Anyway, that’s something to look forward (?) to this weekend. I’ll try to get this blog back to normal as soon as possible, promise.

I’m going to write about what happened, because I still don’t really know.

Basically, my boss e-mailed me saying that my syllabi were not up to the guidelines they have at the college. There were some crossed wires, and I didn’t do them right. He did not paint this as a big deal, but just laid out what the guidelines were to make sure I fixed it. I e-mailed him back, apologizing, and saying I’d fix them as soon as possible.

Then I freaked the fuck out.

For whatever reason, this bit of information caused me to panic so badly that I couldn’t work, couldn’t sleep, and still feel emotionally exhausted and taxed as I write this right now. I could not handle the fact that I had let my new boss down, who I feel has done a lot for me and put a lot of faith in me, on something so trivial that caused him to waste his time chasing me down. This minor setback, in the grand scheme, was, in my head, a herald of how terrible a teacher I am and how I can’t cut it. This is not true. I’m a great teacher, and I know it. I make mistakes like everyone, and I’m learning these new classes, but I am a great teacher. But in that moment, I was convinced. I had wondered if I was doing those right, and had decided that it was fine, and that turned out wrong. I was a failure.

I called people. I freaked out. It took me hours to calm down so I could sleep, and again, I’m still shaken. I can’t remember the last time I have fallen apart like this. It’s literally been years since I had such a downward spiral where I was convinced of my own worthlessness. I’ve been getting help. I’ve been transitioning. These aren’t thoughts I have every moment of the day anymore. But here we are.

Brer says I’m under a lot of stress. I agreed to this trip, which I’m worried about planning. I’m working more than ever before, with classes I’m unfamiliar with and a sleep schedule I still haven’t totally gotten the hang of. I’m running this Mafia game, which takes a lot of work and I take probably way too seriously than I should. I’ve got a lot of plates spinning. He says that for whatever reason, this just ended up being the thing that opened the floodgates. I guess I can understand that. But that doesn’t leave me with much knowledge of what to do about it. None of these things are things I’m willing to let go, and I’ve got this job interview Wednesday which, if I get it, means even MORE stress for this semester. Plus, Brer moving in, waiting and figuring all that out… I don’t know what I can do to relieve that pressure if that’s really what’s going on.

I just… I wonder if that stress is why I’ve been feeling sick to my stomach all the time. Not like, enough to throw up or for it to stop me? But just a general feeling. I don’t know.

I’m going to get what I need to do done. I’m going to let Aesa visiting help relax me. I’m going to survive. That was never in question. I’m no longer in the ending it all business. I’m going to survive.

I just hope stupidity like last night doesn’t happen again.

It’s so weird that this seems so late now, but it does. Goodness, getting up early will do that to you. I am exhausted.

I didn’t really want to do two rambling blog posts in a row. I try to vary shit like that so that I don’t annoy people or whatever. Try to write “content” sometimes too. But I can’t seem to get started on anything, and the best solution to that is to write. I know this to be true. I told my students that the other day, probably.

Basically what’s going on is that Aesa just booked a flight to visit me next week. This is insane. I mean, it’s insane in a nice way, and it’ll be a nice if at least at the beginning awkward time. I’m looking forward to it, totally. That’s a VERY GOOD THING. But it still, at this moment, seems unreal. It was so out of nowhere. It’s something that, if I wanted to do it, I’d worry and plan for weeks to be able to do it, and even then, I might decide it wasn’t “optimal.” He just went for it. I hope I’m as special as he thinks, so it’s worth it for him.

Really, though, now I’m worrying about what I need to plan. What do we do? Do I plan activities? Meals out? Meals in? How am I going to take care of my teaching duties with him here distracting me? Do I need to work very far ahead? All these are things that I would have planned far in advance usually, but all this just kind of happened. And now that it’s locked in, I can start freaking out about it, I suppose.

I’m just not a spontaneous person in general, I don’t think. I mean, I can speak that way. I can interact with people socially that way. But outside of just talking, such things worry me. It’s an unsure situation. I don’t know the outcome. That’s the fun of it all, I guess, but I just rarely find it that way. I want to feel the path beneath me.

But then again, if I had waited, and planned forever for a “perfect” moment, this nice thing that’s happening wouldn’t have happened. I’d have worried about asking Brer about it, and worried about setting it up… instead we just picked a date that looked okay in my work schedule, and just did it. And now it’s going to happen.

Best prepare to enjoy it.

I’m worried about this job interview. It’s for a job I really want, and am completely qualified for, but if they’re already interviewing, which I didn’t anticipate when I applied, that means they probably need someone RIGHT NOW, and my current teaching contract is going to prohibit me from taking up that offer, at least on a full-time scale, until the end of the semester. I worry this will knock me out of the running, but I also feel like that would be really damn unfair. They can’t blame me for trying to get the best job I can. I can’t just fucking wait around with a shitty job while they twiddle their thumbs and think vaguely about hiring me. But still, I bet if I don’t get the job, that’s why. Sigh.

I’m worried about the crazy plans Aesa and I keep accidentally concocting. They sound like such fun! But I’m not stupid enough to make stuff happen without making sure there won’t be terrible repercussions. I can do that, though. But even after I do check, double check, and triple check, I’ll probably still worry about it.

I’m worried about the fact that I am always going to be late to my 3:45 class because of how they scheduled me. It’s not my fault, I can’t help it, but I don’t want all that to reflect on me. Still, I’m not going to drive like 200 mph on the highway just to make it on time. It’s not worth THAT.

I am worried, pointlessly, that friends, okay Essner, is slipping away from me. I mean, I understand you have to make life changes when you can, and that’s cool. But shit, him moving out caught me by surprise. I felt very distant in that moment. Not by any fault of his. It just made the amount of time between the last time we talked seem… gigantic. We used to waste time together all the damn time. Now life is fucking that up with all it’s “scheduling” and “work.” Bleh.

I am worried it’s going to take Brer all goddamn year to find an opening down here. It’s not his fault. But waiting for Wal-Mart to just magically decide they have space for him down here is becoming maddening. I don’t know what kind of planning I should be doing anymore, or when to expect him, and I don’t really appreciate that. I’m kind of a planner.

The standard joke finish is “I am worried I worry to much.” But it’s not that. I worry because I care, deeply care, and I wouldn’t get rid of that for anything. I’m worried I will somehow forget how to push through worry and still get things done. I am worried that I will revert back to being able to do nothing when I’m worried. That would be terrible. I don’t think I’ll do that.

Today I took like a four hour nap. That hasn’t happened in… well, forever! I had been waking up super early to do all my teaching all week, and the times when I went to bed hadn’t really adjusted. I laid down for a nap, thinking I’d only be out for like an hour, and suddenly I was late for my brother’s family dinner thing. Me taking a nap! Me getting rest! It was just odd. An odd occurrence! I’m all tired again now. Maybe I’ll sleep some more! YOU NEVER KNOW!

Speaking of sleeping, Q really likes to do that with me. He’s learned that it’s warmer under the covers now, so when I get into bed he DEMANDS I let him into my blanket and then he curls up right beside me. This is a danger to me being able to get out of bed at a decent hour in the morning. He’s so warm, so cute, and so happy. I don’t want to ruin that, and it’s not like I want to get up out of bed either. Surely it would be better just to stay in bed with him a little longer, right? Damn warm dog, loving me and wanting to stay close to me. Such problems I face in life!

Speaking of puppy dogs, Q is also trying to steal my My Little Pony blanket that my brother got me for Christmas. Like, seriously, Q! You have a blanket to lay on right there! But if I drop mine to the ground for a moment, he’s right on it. Then, like, I can’t get him off, because of the previously mentioned cuteness and stuff. I bought you your own blanket for Christmas, puppy dog! I mean, I know that’s in the other room, and you want to lay in here, but…
He’s just a blanket-thief, pure and simple.

Speaking of stealing, I’ve been stealing class time from my students! (Okay, that one was a stretch, I admit.) But seriously, I can’t make it to class on time. I have 30 minutes to drive to Sikeston after one of my classes and teach there, and it takes me at least 35-40. I either have to let the class before out early every day, or have the other class be shorter than it should be. Nothing I can do about it. I wish we would have caught this schedule problem sooner! I mean, I’ll make it. It’ll be alright. But it’s just kind of frustrating. Because I’m required to not let students out early and such, and I really have no choice in the matter to do what I’ve been hired to do. Oh well.

Speaking of oh well, I guess this blog is over. Oh well.

I really need to get some shit done.

Classes start tomorrow, and I need to do some heavy duty teaching then. I still have a bunch of prep to do. I mean, I don’t doubt I’ll get it done. I’m not stupid or whatever, and while I hope I get more done than the barest of minimums, the barest of minimums, being prepared just for this week of classes, is not going to be hard to achieve, given what I’ve already gotten done. I’m not really worried about it.

But goodness, I feel lost.

I feel disconnected from what I’m doing and why I’m doing it, in a way I haven’t felt in a long time. I feel like pointlessness to my actions, where what I’m doing doesn’t matter. Is it because I’m out of plans and am just in a holding pattern waiting for Brer to get here? Is it the pills? Is it because I’ve been on forced “vacation” for so long and haven’t been doing much I would consider constructive? Disconnected from friends? Swamp gas?

I’m not sure.

It’s kind of extra demoralizing though. I dunno. I assumed most of this shit would stop when I transitioned and, for the most part, it totally, totally has. But then I have days like this, where I feel so lost, even when I’m working on projects, alone, even when I’m talking to my boyfriends and friends, and floaty, even though I’m interacting with my family in physical space for dinner, and I just worry that I’m just kind of wired naturally to feel like shit. I fixed a lot of it by giving my brain the stuff it needs, but not all of it, you know?

I really don’t think that’s accurate. Everybody has off days, sadness, and things like that in their lives. This shit happens. It shouldn’t be happening 24/7, like it was before, but it does happen. That’s life. I think all this worry is really more like… I worry that I won’t snap out of it. Now that I’ve been more happy, and more stable, I do not, in the least, want to go back to how I felt before. Feeling that way, even for an afternoon, makes me scared that tomorrow, things won’t be better. I won’t cheer up, and I’ll go back to how things were. I’ll feel like I’m unable to get out of bed, and continue living. I freak out about that happening again. And that freaking out would, in the past, cause me to get even worse, and continue to spiral downward, again and again, into that black abyss or something less cliche.

I guess that is the difference, now that I say it. I’m not getting worse. Feeling like this is not making me sing songs about killing myself, or about how much of a disappointment I am, as I go about my daily stuff. I’m not falling down where I can’t get up. I don’t feel great, but I’m not doomed. That helps.

I’ll get some sleep. That’s probably a bit part of it. We’ll see how things go, and we’ll see how much I am overthinking what will probably just end up being my normal apprehension to change, namely changing to this new teaching schedule, which I’ve felt basically every year I’ve been in school before school started. We’ll see.

RAMBLINGS!?!

I was at work, and Clint goes “Hey, I know you like hours, so here’s a shift I was about to post, would you like it before anyone else sees it?” and I said, “Yes! Thank you very much!” and took it. The next day, I get a message on my phone. “That shift you picked up yesterday was already taken by someone, so you don’t need to come in.” Which was annoying, but whatever. More free time before the semester starts is never bad. Today, I go in to work, and someone is trying to give away the EXACT SAME SHIFT I WAS TOLD I COULDN’T HAVE. So I took it. But it all feels really stupid. So I thought I’d share it.

There’s a thread on Talking Time where you’re supposed to post everything that’s changed in your life since you started posting there, so I posted that. It was a lot of shit! In any case, there was talk about relationships in there, and cool dude upupdowndown was like “Awesome things are going well, but man, you poly people need to come equipped with diagrams or flowcharts or something to keep things clear.”
So I made an Org Chart of my relationships and posted it because, you know, humor.
At the same time, after I did it, I’m like “Well, that is accurate. I hope everyone on it likes the way it is.” I think so, but, you know, I do so love to worry. WORRY.

There’s this sign at work that says “Do these two things and save 300 bucks on your health insurance premiums for the year.” And I’m like “Well, I could clearly use 300 dollars for doing basically nothing.” But one of the things I would need to do is get a health screening or something from a doctor. I don’t really have a general health doctor, much less someone that understands my situation. So now I’m convinced I should do this thing, but I’m worried about how fucking awkward that encounter will be, and if whoever does this examination is going to understand what’s up with me. That’ll be an “adventure”!

And going from mild awkwardness and annoyance to something way worse, have you seen this shit? This sort of thing is why I don’t read the news. Dammit, that pissed me off all day. This guy gets to basically publicly threaten many people’s lives for no reason, and will probably get away with it. What’s worse, he is an ELECTED OFFICIAL. This guy is helping to run our country. Why the hell are people with such hate anywhere near running anything? Why do people hate like that for absolutely no reason? It just… bleh.

I’m going to head to bed now. Not all people are awful! For example, you are pretty awesome. Just saying. Goodnight.

This is a difficult puzzle to solve. Why not see if these links help jog your memory and help you figure it out?

Too many pony videos. Or is there such a thing? I dunno. Ponies are everywhere. Sometimes even in music form. I dunno.

So much symbolism everywhere too.

This is a cute puppy. Cuteness is good, right?

Finally, this is the Skyrim mod you should be installing right now.

Did you figure it out? It’s me! I feel like shit! Hopefully things will be better tomorrow! Bye!

What am I wanting to say again? I feel like I had a bunch of little stories… Oh yeah.

HEY GUYS I ATE A SALAD. But other than that, I bought salad dressing. For a long time, I wished I could find a dressing that tasted just like the Honey French they use on the Honey Bacon Club at Quiznos. It’s the sauce, more than anything else, that makes that sammich, and I wanted to be able to apply that to sandwiches I made at home, and thus never have to walk into a Quiznos again. Previous attempts to buy such dressings tasted terrible, and I kind of stopped trying. In any case, with this whole “salad” experiment, I ended up trying again and buying the Schnucks generic store brand California French dressing. It was PERFECT. Not only did it do just fine on the salad experiment, but I placed some on a sammich and it was everything I had ever wanted. Needless to say I will be buying this dressing for a long time to come. Blogs about groceries are fun, right? Maybe?

I got a weird package in the mail, and then I opened this package and it had a booster pack of Furoticon cards in it. I had completely forgotten about this thing: they were giving away free booster packs if you signed up for their new loyalty program (which in itself is insane that they have a loyalty program) so I’m like eh, why not? It wasn’t a real booster pack, perse. It was just a bunch of spare commons and uncommons from all the sets they had lying around, I guess, so they made these little packs and put them in leftover booster wrappers to maybe drum up more business. I can’t blame them, it was a good idea. I got some cards I didn’t have, and it made me look back at the website and remember how insane it is that this game exists and consider, for a brief insane moment, ordering more cards. It also reminded me that they still owe me a ridiculous novel with my fat pack I ordered from them a long time ago. They send me e-mails every so often promising me that it’s still coming. I’m not mad if I don’t get the dumb thing? But it’s going on a year. With everything else about this outfit being so professional, it’s just kind of surprising? But eh. The game has cards like this (SFW). And that’s a very common, very useful utility card. That’s like the Rampant Growth of Furoticon. Yeah.

I was at work, wearing a pony shirt because I am a small child. I am talking with my team, and a young girl in glasses, I want to say like 4th grade but I am a terrible judge of age, comes up to me and says, “I love your shirt.”
I blink, and go, “Wow, thank you!”
She goes, “I watch that show all the time!”
And I go, “Me too! It is an awesome show.”
Then I said goodbye and went back to work. But that simple little encounter just had me grinning. I dunno what it was about it. Maybe that little girls think I’m a cool lady. Or that, yeah, this show I like is a show that its intended audience ALSO likes, which is a good thing for the longevity of said show. Or maybe it’s because I hope the idea that I’m an adult and I like the show will do a little bit to help her feel comfortable enjoying whatever the hell she wants at any age. But I think it was just because if I was her age, I would have never had the guts to go up to some random adult and tell her how cool her shirt was. She wanted me to know I was wearing cool stuff enough to push past that. That girl was awesome, and I’m glad she said that to me. No matter what silly reasoning I want to create for it, that made my day, no joke. Kids are so awesome sometimes.

Also, the employment front is looking pretty good for me right now. They went out of their way to give me a fourth class to teach this semester, which will really help my finances and also be totally awesome. It’s a bit of a commute, but they are reimbursing me for travel, so that’s nice. Seriously, Three Rivers has been pretty completely awesome so far, and although tomorrow’s trip down there might get a little weird as I have to show all my paperwork, etc, I’m sure this next semester is going to rock. On top of all that, the sole employment opportunity at the University Press has opened, and I am so, SO applying for that. I am so qualified for this position it is INSANE, and I would love every second of doing that job. I am going to get in on that. We’ll see if Susan wants me for it or not, though. Either way, my employment future is looking fine, and that’s nice to know.

Alright, well, we’ll call that a blog. Meet me back here tomorrow. There might be more blog. Okay, will be more blog, let’s not lie. There will be.

Finally, I get all done with writing all my prep for my Mafia game and now I can…
Oh.
OH.
Blog. Right.
Um…
LINKPOST!
I mean, I am on vacation, after all.

I did a lot of pony research while doing all my writing, so let me share some of that with you. Like this awesome picture. Or maybe some of the silly music that I listened to while writing? Or maybe you’d rather like just general funny videos. I mean, I dunno. I don’t know what kind of ponies you’re into. Maybe you only like ponies when they’re compared to classic RPG series? I’m not one to judge.

Here’s a nifty installation art exhibit that I approve of.

Consequences are unfortunate when someone has evidence against you.

This little girl knows what it’s all about. You rock, little girl.

Anyway, SORRY I didn’t have more for you tonight. I’m truly SORRY I couldn’t write something better.

No, seriously, I am. I’m going to sleep now. I’ll see you tomorrow.