The Blogtastic Blogfest That Is Getmeoutofthis.net!

There’s a thing going on with Brer. Not going to get into it out of respect to him. Ask him yourself. The important part is, the end result is that, unlike what was to happen before, he probably won’t be visiting me over Christmas break, and future plans are also now questionable, though not impossible.

It makes me feel pretty awful.

Until this happened I wasn’t aware of the number of silly little things I have acquired over the last few months to share with him when he gets here. But I have. There’s a lot of stuff. It’s all around in here, on my desk and so on. Video games. Movies. So much stuff I bought purely to sit on a couch and share with the guy I love.

I want stability in my life right now, and the feeling like everything is going to turn out alright, but I don’t have that. My thesis as it stands now got a bad, but fair reception. Lots of work to do on that. I still feel like I’m being stonewalled on my transition, something I need to start, preferably yesterday. Now my life with my boyfriend is in question, and I no longer get to show him off to my friends and family and show them all that not only do I have a significant other, but he’s here, he’s awesome, and I have a life, a female life, that I am going to lead and he is part of it. I wanted that so badly. I wanted to be with him. It’s been so fucking long.

I cried on the way back from St. Louis because I couldn’t talk to him like I do every week on the drive. I called up my Mom, and she didn’t know what to say or do. She has to stay distant. That’s okay, I suppose. It’s no help to me, though.

So I wrote this stupid, depressing fucking blog. Bleh.

I promise content the next two days. I have reactions to Lords of Shadow and Medal of Honor that should be showing up. I’m sorry I keep posting stuff like this. I just… don’t know what else to write about when I sit down to make myself. It feels like all I am is sadness. It’s so stupid. Every little 2-player video game I bought for his visit is a reminder of how I continue to fail to get my life in order. It’s just another problem in a string of constant problems, and I don’t know why I keep trying. Some days I really don’t.

End of the Semester has me going and going. Lots of stuff getting done. So that means it’s time to multitask. Two birds, one stone. That means that this Christmas list that I need to write for my parents? You’re getting it here. Here’s the sort of things that I, as a horrible consumer puppet, would enjoy for Christmas.

In the Category of HA! Unlikely:
An iPad. The more I heard about the iPad, the more I feel like it is something I could really fit into my life. The gaming is there, and I’m sure all of you on here know how much I enjoy iPod gaming. The iPad also opens up cool possibilities for things like board games. I actually bought iPad Blokus for a dollar, because when I get one, it’ll be great to pass around and play! It also would be great just to write little things on the go (in landscape mode I’ve found the units in the Apple Store to be very type-able) and have something easily carryable with more oomph than a cell phone for bedtime browsing and so on. However, it’s expensive, and I know if I got one now I would be feeling remorse when they bring out that new version in a few months with much better specs and a Retina display. Still, if I got one? Well, I would not mind in the least.
A New Wardrobe. No, not like… the furniture. This seems unlikely, but it’s something I do need to get on. The way I dress isn’t going to change TOO significantly, but there are plenty of things I enjoy that I’m going to have to search for female equivalents for in the near future. For the first time, I would not mind getting clothes for Christmas. The chances of my parents playing along with that are slim, though. Heh. And no t-shirts! The chances of capturing my style there are slim at best.

In the Category of Vidjeo Gamez:
Fallout: New Vegas. I loved Fallout 3, and this seems to be more Fallout 3 with better characters. It’s a no-brainer. I may actually have time to play it over the break too, like I did with Fallout 3. You never know! And yes, I’ll probably play it on 360.
Fable 3. I know the reviews have been less than kind, but I loved Fable 2 SO MUCH that I have to play this. I bet it won’t be mind-blowing, but I’ve got to give it a try, and I do think that I’ll enjoy it.

In the Category of Board Games:
Castle Ravenloft: I’ve heard lots of good things, and this is just the sort of quasi-RPG board game my friends really get into. It does that random construction thing, too, so that the game varies from play to play. Nice stuff, to be sure. Well, okay, I’m not sure, but again, I really want to sit down and try it.

In the Category of Practical But Cool:
Chicago Manual of Style 16th Edition. My favorite style manual updated! And now it’s a really ugly color! But no, seriously, I could use an updated copy, and Chicago is smart enough that I probably won’t need a new one for a long while.

In the Category of Impractical But Cute:
Squishable Fox. Enough said. I want to hug it.

There’s a few ideas anyway, I suppose. I’ve already gotten a lot of my shopping done, but several of my harder-to-shop-for victims are still unaccounted for. I can get it done, though. But first things first: semester finishing, THEN Christmasing.

I only cried when I was walking in the back after the ceremony and hugging Jonathan and Shauna, so that was nice. I delivered my toast without issue, and the following copy of Bill and Ted with the wedding present went over as wonderfully as expected. We had a dance rave during the reception, complete with glowsticks. My sick Grandmother and my Grandfather were able to stay and see everything, and my other Grandmother got up and danced to AC/DC.

It was a fantastic wedding.

I’ve always been worried that I would hate this wedding. I worried that I’d be frustrated by my role in it. Not the “standing next to my brother and getting to say an awesome speech about how much I love him” part. I would not have given that up for ANYTHING. I wanted to be there. No, I was mostly worried about the constantly being called the “Best Man” part. “Where’s the Best Man?” “I need the Best Man,” etc etc. Bleh. I was worried that constantly hearing that would grate on me until I was having a super-shitty time of it all. I didn’t want to not have fun at this awesome celebration of adding another awesome member to our family. I did not want that.

Luckily, that wasn’t the case. All the “Best Mans” and “You look so handsomes” frustrated, sure, but fuck, the emotional level was so high, even they couldn’t ruin my day. Even they couldn’t get in between me and being so fucking happy for my brother. I was glad about that. I was glad that happened. I am so glad I survived without letting something so stupid potentially ruin everyone’s time. It went over perfectly, and it was excellent.

Now that this is happened, it’s a new beginning. One for Jonathan and Shauna, but also one for me. I no longer have to worry about ruining their special day, even if I never was. Now I can just go for it.
And I totally will.

My brother’s getting married today, and that is top of cool. I could write about that, but the fact is, I already have written about it, in the speech I’m going to give. I think I’ll just share that here for posterity, as it really does show how I feel.

When I think back, really dig into my memories and try to pull up the earliest ones I can find, I think of two things. The first is getting a set of aviator wings on a flight to Disney World, which, I’m sure we all can agree, is totally badass. The second, however, may be more important. I remember the living room, at our old house on Woodbine. There’s a blanket on the floor near the fireplace, and on that blanket is a baby of some sort. I’m sitting there, next to this blanket. I look to this baby-like thing and I think, “That’s my brother.” I was young, of course, and my brain was not operating at full capacity yet, surely. Still, against all odds, it turns out that thought was right. That was my brother. That’s an amazing thing.

From there, Jonathan, you’re all throughout my memories and my life, as I’m sure you know. I remember tip-toeing with you over all sorts of junk in the toy room at our old house, looking for this or that. I remember days spent bouncing on the trampoline, or playing in the pool. I remember so many times we “played as people,” as if indicating we weren’t people yet. We were, though. We were awesome people.

So much of the awesome person I am, and the awesome things I love were shaped by you, Jonathan. I may play a video game or two, or three, or three thousand during my free time. But if I had to pick games to top my all time favorites, they’d be games I played with you. Smash Brothers. Kirby Super Star. Hell, think of how many times we replayed the first two hours of Secret of Mana together. Rented it time and again, grinding out the exact same events, but we did it together, and that made it fantastic fun. Even when we played WoW together, we got those silly radios so that even though we were playing in different rooms of the house, we could still play together. All that stuff is part of who I am because it’s something we shared. I loved every moment of it.

Even these memories, though great examples, are so small in comparison to everything I’ve gained for having a brother like you. You’ve always been there for me, and I’ve tried to always be there for you. So when a certain woman entered your life, I didn’t know how to react. My only dating experience had been with people over the internet who lived an 8 hour drive away, but here you were, meeting someone, in person, and dating them. My mind was boggled. Could this work out? Only the best would do for my brother, after all. I watched and wondered and worried.

The turning point came, like so many things, from the geekiest of pursuits: Dungeons and Dragons. I had the joy of playing with Shauna in not one but two campaign attempts, in which she totally nailed it. She was role-playing the pants off of us, putting real passion behind her character, even while transforming into a deadly attack cat with her druid skills. It was awesome. She was awesome. It was then I made myself stop being a stupid worrier, and actually look at the situation. I let myself see how happy she was making him. “You know,” I told myself then, “I think this could work.” And much like my spot-on prediction about the status of the baby on the blanket, I feel like my prophecy has come true. It’s hard to imagine a family get-together not involving her slaughtering me at trivia, or just sitting at the dinner table with us. Even before it became official today, she was already part of our family, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I can’t believe I’m standing here in front of you all today. I can’t believe that my brother, excellent guy that he is, is now married to a completely excellent woman like Shauna. This is an event so excellent that I’m forced to continue to use the adjective excellent. Nothing else describes this moment, and I am completely honored that I get to be up here and celebrate it with the two of you. I hope your life together continues to require such adjectives. I’m reminded of the words of two of the greatest philosophers of our time, Bill S. Preston, Esquire, and Ted “Theodore” Logan. I’ll leave you with them today. Jonathan, Shauna, “Be Excellent To Each Other, and Party On.”

Seriously, congratulations, you two.

I’ve been staring at this screen for half an hour attempting to come up with a topic. I don’t have one. So, you know, I guess I’ll just say this.

I really fucking want Ghost Trick.

They posted this flash demo, and I played through it a day or two ago, and man, now I’m just more frustrated it’s not going to be out for another few months. Already these characters have that Phoenix Wright charm to them, which is EXACTLY what I am wanting. And I mean, fuck, look at that animation. Beautiful stuff, and so wonderfully stylized.

I want it. But I’ve already Amazon preordered it. There’s nothing I can do until it shows up. I am in despair. The long wait between the Japanese and American release of a text-heavy game has left me in despair!

Not that I currently have time to play it or anything. I barely have time to make myself write this blog.
Enjoy the demo, anyway. I’ll try to find some time to write something significant this week.

Before my day went to total shit, I was grading papers. I pick up papers just, you know, off the stack in the order they are.

First paper thesis: Sodas are bad for you. It’s a whole paper just scaring you about how bad sodas are for your health. “Fair enough, they are kind of bad,” I said. I commented on the paper, “No citations!,” and moved on to the next one.

Second paper thesis: Energy drinks are bad for you. All kinds of health problems and issues, blah blah blah. Similar format. “Well, alright, that is a common sort of idea, sure,” I thought. I graded away. “No citations!” Next paper!

Third paper thesis: Sodas are bad for you. Again. Clearly different paper, of course, but same topic, similar points.

I look ahead. “Okay, thing about bottled water next, then… energy drinks again.”

I turned around in my chair. “These papers are trying to tell me something,” I told Cara. “They want me to stop drinking Soda and Energy Drinks.”

Then I went and got a soda from the fridge in the office.

I wonder about the fact that I am constantly finding myself thinking about the nature of happiness. I feel this urge to define it, so I know what I’m trying for, and what I’m working at to get. I want it to be something with rules, something that, if I just do the right things, I can pick it up and have it. I can just take it, and then things will be fine. I’ll transition, or move out, or have my boyfriend around, and then it’ll be okay. Things will be okay.

I don’t know if that’s true. I’m sure those are the right decisions, but I don’t know if it just happens that way.

In any case, sitting in the office today, I fell asleep trying to get my work done, and in thinking about the fact that this happened, I came up with a new potential definition of happiness that I want to run past you.

Happiness is not being so physically and mentally tired that you fall asleep any time you stop for a moment.

When I write it and look at it, it seems so stupid. So simple. It also seems to not be what happiness is. Happiness is bigger, isn’t it? Happiness is something that makes you feel good, not stable. It makes you feel like everything is alright, yes, everything’s fine, and so on. It makes you smile. Right? Something like that?

That seems so impossible in so many ways. I just want to get to the point where my very body isn’t trying to escape what I’m doing, black out and leave, much less me in general. I want to feel in control. I want to keep it together. That’s what I want.
Maybe that’s happiness for now. Maybe. Maybe I don’t know what it is, and maybe I never have and never will. I can never be sure. It always seems unreal, when I try to pull up in my head times when I was happy.

Maybe that’s just me feeling bad talking. I don’t know.

I wish I had other things on my mind than this stupid bullshit.

Have a nice day. Be happy.

What is it about this image that is so hilarious? Is it the mystery of why the bird is so scandalized by the camera, or, say, the viewer? Is it the perfect pan, or the perfect expression on the bird’s face? Is it the amazing entertainment that an animated image normally brings to the viewer?

I don’t know, but I keep laughing at it.

Seriously, it’s been open in its own window for like a week. I wish I could remember who on twitter linked it so I could give them credit here. Every time I look at it I laugh or smile.

It makes me wonder about myself. Is my life really so shitty that something so stupid and silly can invoke such a response? Like, perhaps, that this is the one nice thing going on right now? Or is that overthinking something as simple and universal as taking pleasure in the little things, like funny animal pictures. Or, I dunno, extremely phallic pictures. In the end, isn’t taking pleasure in small things a-okay?

Probably.
That’s certainly my stance going forward.

Every year, around this time, something happens. I have to start shopping for people, and buying them things. It’s crazy, I know, but it’s true. When I do that, I like to sometimes take a look at how I’m doing on that quest, just to make sure I’m on track. What’s there left to buy and how am I doing making sure it all gets bought? Well, let’s see.

Mom: No Check
Dad: No Check
Jonathan: Check
Shauna: Check
Brer: Check (Agreed not to get each other anything for more spending money during his visit)
Grandma: No Check
Grandpa: No Check
Festivus Victim: Half-Check (Physical Gifts Purchase, Project Incomplete)
Friend Gift Exchange: ??? (Unsure if we’re doing it)

Yeah, I’m already off to a good start after Black Friday weekend. Of course, most of the stuff I bought wasn’t via Black Friday-ness, but, you know. Power of the Internet! Heh. I’m kind of using a “don’t overthink it” gifting strategy this year. Having an idea, getting it, and going, you know? I suppose I also need to get Jonathan and Shauna a wedding present, but that’ll happen before the wedding sometime this week. I should also probably make a Christmas list for my mother at some point. Hmm.

Anyway, happy consumer madness to you all! I’ll be back tomorrow with something stupid, I’m sure.

Feeling as shitty as I do, it can be easy to forget the nice things in my life. It can be easy to forget the completely fucking awesome people who make my life not only bearable, but also a joy. It can be hard to see through the darkness I find myself in and then write about dramatically. I have trouble. I’ve been having trouble. I will probably continue to have trouble.

Thanksgiving is a day when I’m supposed to take the time to see through all that, and really figure out how wonderful what I have is. It is wonderful. Things suck, but are also wonderful. That’s the paradox.

Brer, I love you. Thanks for putting up with me, because you see the worst of me. There’s a reason I want to stick with you. There’s a reason I call you my boyfriend.
Cris, I love you. You’re fantastic.I worry I don’t do enough for you. I don’t see you as often as I’d like, but every time, it’s a joy. I look forward to it.
Ecks, I love you. I see you even less, but dammit, you’re still a fantastic friend.
Jonathan, I love you. You’re my brother, and I’m so glad you’re making this important steps in your life, and feeling good about them. I hope I’m not letting my stupidity cloud your fantastic moments. I’ll always be there for you.
Essner, I love you. I cannot ever measure how much better my life is because you’re in it. Thank you for being such a fantastic friend, and for being almost solely responsible for getting me out of my shell.
Spaeth, I love you. You’re silly and crazy, but you’re also so fucking genuine. You’re a wonderful person to the core. Don’t ever let that change.
Kale, I love you. Your constant reminders make me feel so special. You make me feel like someone good and important. I hope I return the favor.
Molly, I love you. You’re my dog. Every time you greet me when I come home late, with such innocent affection, I want to cry.
Mom, Dad, I love you. I know we’re not on the same page at all. I know things are horrible between us. But they’re only hard because we all care so much for each other. We’ll survive somehow.
Grandmas, Grandpa, I love you. As I get busier, I get to interact with you less. I’m sorry. Heh, it’s hard to stay above water sometimes. But I know you’re there for me. You’ve done so much for me.
Every other wonderful friend I have, I love you. I’m sorry I can’t call all of you out by name. Heh, gotta wrap this up and get to class, actually, preferably without the tears currently in my eyes. But hell, just reading this, you make me feel special. You make me feel not alone.

I am not alone.

I’d do well to remember that.

Thank you all, and Happy Turkey Day.