May 13, 2011

H: there -‘sad like Ii use the unhe Pad now! 0ka}i

On a random whim I decided I was going to try some handwriting recognition on my iPad. I grabbed a stylus and an app called WritePad. This turned into a really strange trial and error cock-up that really made me wonder whether this is ever going to be a thing. On a first attempt, it really tends to impress. You scribble some shit on there and it appears like magic. All well and good. However, the moment I tried to really give a good write on it, things went to shit quite fast.

Here’s a sample of what a sentence looks like without me correcting it first:
I would really like to write ab log po A quickly by wrI2g on the sirun.
Honesty, that did better than usual at figuring out my words and such. Maybe it is learning my particular brand of scratches as I go along. It’s supposed to, so it would be nice if that was the case. I also find that the “one line mode” is a lot more usable than the full-screen mode that I wrote that sentence in.

Okay, back to a keyboard, fuck that noise.
But yeah, people were saying really good things about it, and the thought of being able to scribble words down would make writing stories and things on the go much more accessible. I mean, I’m not bad at writing on the on-screen keyboard at this point. I’m getting good at typing at an acceptable rate. At the same time, I still make a lot of typing mistakes, and I can’t go as fast as I’d like because of the lack of tactile feedback. Writing on the screen would solve that, as I’d have a different type of tactile feedback, that of the pen moving on the screen. Then I could get rolling at a good clip. I wanted it to work.
However, to make it register my words in a way where I’m not constantly having to correct, I have to be really precise with my handwriting. I’m never precise with my handwriting, and to do so makes me go slower than making those little corrections due to typing errors on the on-screen keyboard. In addition, using the previously-mentioned “one line” mode for accuracy makes writing go slower as well, as you can’t even fit an entire sentence on that one line. Being able to fill up the whole screen with writing would make it faster, but then you lose the readout of the program constantly telling you what it thinks you’re writing, which is important to being accurate. It just doesn’t work for me.

To be fair, though, it really might just be me. I use a very scratchy print style when I handwrite. My mother, who was a third grade teacher and thus has extremely clear natural handwriting in cursive, was much more successful when she used the app. It still wasn’t perfect, but most of the errors came from her touching the screen in other places than from the handwriting recognition. Maybe it’s just way easier to have it recognize cursive? I’m not sure. I haven’t used cursive in years, except to sign my name, and attempting it on the screen made me have to constantly think about how to do it, so that’s not an option for me. I tried disabling the cursive recognition in the app, thinking that might make it more accurate because it wouldn’t be looking for cursive letters when I swooped about, but it didn’t really seem to help much.

I remember back in the day when I had a Palm Pilot. It used a set of “Graffiti” gestures to write that used little symbols that were close to the letters, but not really the letters. That worked fantastically, once I learned them. I could play IF on that thing, typing up all kinds of shit. Something like that might work well, and they might want to consider using that in the program. I mean, I may be able to set up something like that in here, but I’m not going to fuck with it if it’s not supported. I’m just saying, things have done this stuff before. I’m sure there has to be a way for it to work. However, so far, it’s really not working for me. I will probably keep playing with it, just to see if it ever learns well enough to be useful, but for now, my dreams of scribbling down bits of stories on the go doesn’t seem like it will be realized. Oh well.

May 12, 2011

I (Still) Love My Daddy!

Near the beginning of this semester, I invited Cara over for an experiment. I was in a mood, reading more stuff about Silent Hill: Shattered Memories, and wanted to see another ending. However, I had answered honestly and shit, and it seemed like it would ruin the magic of the game to try to, well, game it to get a different ending. This is when I had the great idea to let Cara make all the decisions, and I just drive. Then I’d get to see another ending, as Cara likely wouldn’t get the sex ending I got, and she could experience the magic. We sat down, and had a great time. We stopped, though, when we got to the Nightmare sequence after the most dramatic wheelchair scene. That nightmare is, by far, the worst part of the game, and I just couldn’t make myself keep going, especially since it was late. So we tabled it for later.

Months passed, and Cara mentioned that she wanted to finish the game off. I armed her with an iPad with a FAQ pulled up for her to help guide me through the stupid nightmares, and we polished the rest of the game off, with Cole joining in as spectator. I got to see a new ending (I believe we got what’s called the “family” ending this time) and we had a good time, so that’s nice. I thought I’d put down a few thoughts about the experience.

First off, it was interesting how much better of a person Harry was in the Family ending. He was still a person with flaws. He wasn’t some unrealistic knight in shining armor like in the video at the beginning of the game, of course, but he had much more genuine feelings for his daughter. While, perhaps, the more “normal” level of problem that Cheryl was facing of her father dying in a car crash right after he separated from her mother makes all the supernatural shenanigans slightly harder to buy than the pretty intense “evil” I saw in the sex ending, it still fit, to an extent. It certainly seemed like a happier ending for Cheryl, in any case, as she learned her father really did love her, much more than in the sex ending, where she found that she should leave him behind and move on. Though the big strokes of the story stayed the same, the outcome really was affected. It was impressive.

I also learned some interesting things about Cara’s gaming sensibilities. She couldn’t stand the mystery of what was happening for the whole game. Nearing the end, she really wanted it to be over so she could “get” what she was seeing. She wasn’t willing to wait for the conclusion, which takes a lot of time to get to in a video game, I admit. Much more than a movie or whatever, even in a short game like Shattered Memories. She also lacked the general idea of what was “interactable” and what was not, especially early on, when she’d see things and want me to do stuff with them outside of “shine a flashlight on it” and “call the phone number written on it” which really isn’t what the game does. Still, that meant she was engaged in the narrative, so that’s fantastic.

The second playthrough really made the flaws stand out all the more, though. The Nightmare sequences are just flat-out bad, which is acknowledged. The rest of the game is so good, though. Great, creepy as fuck narrative, storytelling, and presentation. It was enjoyable to experience a second time, though having a fresh pair of eyes on the game really was a big part of my enjoyment.

May 11, 2011

A Question Soaked In Mild, Medium, Or Hot Intrique

Yesterday I ate at Buffalo Wild Wings. I never really make the place a destination, but I do tend to enjoy going there now and again, simply because of SUPER HINT TRIVIA. However, when we arrived, the worst thing occurred: the Playmakers, the ridiculous little machines with which you play Super Hint Trivia, were broken! I even attempted to download an app that lets you use your iOS device as a Playmaker in order to get in on the trivia, but to no avail. No trivia could be had. This led to a discussion of “Why do people go to Buffalo Wild Wings?” by Essner, and frankly, I agree with his confusion. Why do people go to Buffalo Wild Wings?

Clearly, trivia is not why people go. It’s only why me and my friends go sometimes. The place is apparently a sports bar, and sports games are on televisions, but man, I just don’t even understand that. If you cared enough about the game to want to watch it, wouldn’t you use your television? You could buy some beers or whatever the fuck, and hell, even some wings and make them in your oven, and have a great time at home with your friends or whatever.

Even given the idea that people want to go to an outside place and watch a sporting event, I still don’t know why you’d choose Wild Wings. The food is, honestly, not that great. I’ve always felt like I paid a lot for something I didn’t completely enjoy. Still, I’m not a wing person, but Essner, who is a wing person, backs me up and says the food isn’t all that great on the wing scale. As far as beer goes, I’m obviously not one to know about that, but I would think some place like, I dunno, Applebee’s would have about the same selection of alcohol. It would also have better food, and very likely would have the game on, and you’d spend a comparable amount.

Every night, Buffalo Wild Wings is packed with people. Seeing the trivia-less experience, I must say I am no closer to understanding why. I mean, I’ll go when people want to go and trivia the shit out of things, and I’ll surely enjoy the company, as I am friends with awesome people. I’ll have a good time. It’ll just be in spite of the restaurant, instead of helped by it, I suppose.

May 7, 2011

Kevin Also Attempted To Do Some Rapping When Phat Beats Presented Themselves.

I am trying to make the whole “If I want something done, best to just do it” kind of mentality make me life work. As such, I decided that, shit, instead of worrying about when I was going to make this Paranoia game I promised Cara happen, how about I just do it today? I send out the call, and go to the store and bought supplies and even baked a cake. And we played Paranoia.

Jonathan ended up as the team leader character I made, who was ordered by his secret society to basically be an internet troll, which he did constantly. He actively gave orders that inspired anti-team behavior, such as delegating all paperwork for the entire team to one person, and then punishing anyone who wanted to fill out their own forms. He also tried to enforce very strict communications chains to Friend Computer, seeing as “that’s the communication officer’s job.”

Essner spent his time as Loyalty officer constantly writing hilarious notes incriminating everyone (even himself sometimes) as well as higher-ranked citizens, which would not bode well for him. He started time-stamping his entries for awhile, at least, which was interesting to experience when going through the treason log at the end of the game. He also got to fill out most of the forms, and only drew a couple penises, honest.

Kevin tried really hard to follow orders. I mean, really hard. He took his dedication to equipment seriously, and his devotion to Friend Computer extremely romantically and inappropriately. He coined the phrase “fuck you in your ports,” but unfortunately attributed it to Essner’s character, so he doesn’t get the credit he deserves. He was also very dedicated to using a bucket of soapy water as a weapon, so there is always that.

Cara really, really didn’t want to use her laser and really, really wanted to stab people with paperclips. She insisted on using an orange pen, which is an ink her Red Clearance troubleshooter shouldn’t be using, to send all communications to Friend Computer, which was unfortunate for her health. She also may or may not have been named “Pete” and may or may not have been turned into a camera cyborg.

I basically decided that since I had picked a definitely short mission, I was going to be extremely lethal, and tried to kill everyone more than I find I usually do when we play. Even then, I couldn’t bring myself to do it as everyone worked themselves into bigger and bigger corners. It was too entertaining trying to see how they were going to attempt to bluff their way out of being stuck in an Infrared Dorm room with an army bearing down on them. (The solution was to make two of the guards they had knocked out look like they were kissing, while a third knocked-out guard was made to look shocked that this was going on while holding onto a Communist Manifest from a Communist Trading Vessel. Well, their solution, anyway. Didn’t actually work out well for them.) Still, more people died than normal! And there were quite a lot of laughs. It seemed like a pretty good introduction to Paranoia for Cara, and a fun time was had by all.

Also, I didn’t ruin the cake I baked, so that was nice.

May 6, 2011

Unable To Shake That Horrible Image From My Head

There are threads on Talking Time which post random images, art, and whatnot, and I tend to check up on them whenever I’m bored, because they are normally laugh-inducing. There are countless great people on Talking Time with great tastes in such things. Every once and awhile, something less fun gets posted, sure, but it normally is fixed quickly, or scrolled past, and not really a big deal.

Last night, I decided to check the Random Image thread before bed, and I saw a horrific thing.

Now, I have seen some bad stuff on the internet. I mean, I run in furry circles. I like to think I can handle my gross, weird shit. But this picture… just… ugh. I’m sure as fuck not going to link you to it, but it’s apparently an older sort of meme where you take the super creepy mouths of Lampreys and photoshop them onto various body parts. The picture in question was on two fingers of a hand. It looked like those fingers had been frostbitten really badly, or something like that, and then hollowed out crudely with a knife or something. That’s the only attempt I’m going to make at describing it.

It made me physically ill. I felt like a complete wuss, but dammit, there was a bit after that where I really thought I was going to throw up. A link was given in the thread soon after for “context,” but it just led to other similar horrific pictures, and just made me feel worse. I posted about how bleh it made me feel, and then went to bed.

That should have been that, but dammit, that image has been stuck in my head. It keeps popping in here, and making me feel sick all over again. I can’t shake it. My fingertips will feel strange, like something is gnawing through them, and I know it’s because that stupid picture is on my mind and it’s playing tricks on my senses. Time and again, I am hit with flashes of it.

Again, I have seen so many terrible and disturbing pictures over the years. I can’t remember any of them sticking with me like this. Moments of being disturbed, sure, but they didn’t bring the feeling back again and again when my mind wandered to them like this picture does.

Just… fuck. I hope writing about it gets it out of my head once and for all. A silly hope, but dammit. Just… dammit.

May 3, 2011

Super Emotional Post Of Uninteresting Venting

Yesterday was a shitty day. There were some non-shitty bits, caused by the awesome people I have in my life, but mostly shitty ones. As I write this, it’s still going similarly. I’m frustrated and tired and unhappy, and I have to write a blog post.

Well then.

For all the crazy-ass stuff I am doing with my life, transitioning at all, I will have to say that I’ve never really felt like a freak. I can pinpoint two moments when I felt this way. The first was when I dressed in front of Natalie for the first time. That went really badly for both of us, and I cried for a long, long while.

Let’s just say the second thing happened today, when I was attempting to do research based on suggestions from my psychologist. I can’t remember a time I have felt more like a fake, a liar, and a failure than when I was looking for fake breasts to wear, and how to determine what kind of buy. The idea that I would be wearing that sort of thing every day, that I’d have to wake up in the morning and deal with that? That crushed me. Seriously crushed me. I’m trying to be myself, not trade one fake persona for another. That’s the whole point I’m spending all this money, and time, and effort. That’s why I am trying so damn hard at this. To be myself. Not some fake person. Me.
I could not imagine something that would make me feel more fake than that.

So I’m mad at the world. I’m mad at my psychologist for making no sense to me and actively putting me down instead of helping me. I’m mad that I’m in this stupid position where I have to prove I can be someone I’m not before they let me be the person I am. I’m mad at waiting. I’m mad at life, and I’m tired to waiting for it to start.

Fuck you, world. Fuck you, life. I’m done with this bullshit. Do you hear me? I am done with this bullshit. I’m me, and you can’t fucking stop me.

April 30, 2011

My own test subject, teaching me what video games have taught me.

Pre-message: Cara, I am not making fun of you. I’m trying to think about the nature of game design and how I take it for granted. Using two sticks is super hard.

Anyway, the point is, Cara came over this evening and attempted to play Portal 2 while I watched. As a very gamer type watching a non-gamer try to navigate Portal 2, it really makes me wonder about the method that games use to teach and the assumptions games make.

It’s interesting to me that Cara never seemed to really catch on that the game was feeding her how to beat it piece by piece. You learn one skill, then use it in conjunction with another skill in the next test chamber, and so on and so forth. She’d see each new situation and feel completely lost, even though there was only one additional element. Towards the end of the long play session, she was starting to get it a bit more, though. I saw her looking at the rooms and attempting to point out things she thought were features. “Is that one of those walls that pop out?” Things like that.
It kind of made me realize how much I automatically break down a game space like that into its component parts. There’s cover, there’s objective, there’s this, there’s that. I have to make myself step back to look at the game world as a world to explore, otherwise I’m immediately breaking it down into the points of interaction that are important to my goals. It never occurred to me how important that is. Maybe Cara would have done better in the original Portal, where things were much more clear about “these are the parts of the puzzle” than Portal 2, which is constantly showing you really cool environments and broken down locales in the early game. She approaches them like someone would approach an actual room that they walked into, instead of just an obstacle to solve. I wonder if there’s a way to make a game show you that’s the idea, more than Portal. I don’t really know.

Similarly, Cara had absolutely no concept of where her character was in the physical space without being in third person. Granted, Portal 2 is not great at showing you this, as you’re bouncing all around through portals, but even when she wasn’t doing intense shenanigans like that, she was fairly lost and unable to figure out where she had come from and where she was going.
It reminds me of an article I read part of or heard about or something like that? I think it was on Radio Lab. Anyway, there was a tribe of people with perfect navigation. They could navigate anywhere, even if they were taken somewhere blindfolded, with no issues. It turns out they had sort of a special sense where they could see a space they were in from the top down in their head, almost like a mini-map, wherever they were, and that sort of thing could be taught and passed down.
I feel like this is another thing video games have taught me, or at least something similar. I do tend to get lost the first time I go somewhere, but once I’ve been somewhere, I know how to find my way back and to that spot again using the same path. Thinking about it, that really must be an effect of the millions of hours of silly games I’ve played. It’s also a skill that basically every single game uses, and maybe takes for granted in its players.

Of course, there are other issues, like how difficult using a dual joystick controller is. (I’ve mentioned that before, and it does take practice for the uninitiated. I’m doing the best I can to give advice, but man, there’s nothing much one can say about it. It’s just about developing muscle memory.) She also was so focused on the game and trying to not suck at it that she spent all her time apologizing to me (not like I minded! I just wanted her to experience the game, because it’s fantastic, and I know she wants to get better at such controls.) that she sometimes missed all the AMAZING HUMOR in the game, which was a shame. I started kind of telling her to stop when people started talking. She also really liked Wheatly. So he’s universal!

Anyway, this is the results of my “study” which was actually just spending a nice evening with a friend. But, you know, also interesting in a study perspective. Or something.

Science.

April 29, 2011

Public Announcement: I’m Trying To Give Up Energy Drinks

Here’s a lesson: if you ever want things to not change, never do mental math.
Basically, a little while ago, I did some mental math at how much I was spending on energy drinks in a month, just because I was wondering. I then went, “Well, shit,” and haven’t bought one since because, dammit, it was a significant amount I was spending on something not that good for me.

Of course, now, I am in the middle of caffeine withdrawal and I am not feeling great! Still, I have extra money to waste on completely different random crap, so that’s nice.

This reminded me of when I quit WoW. All I did was do a mental calculation on how much I had spent on the game and went, “Oh,” and immediately quit. When I got the whole cost laid out before me, it was easy to see that I was keeping myself from enjoying a variety of games at the cost of a game I only played off and on. It wasn’t that I wasn’t enjoying WoW, it was just that the opportunity cost was a bit high when I looked at it overall. Same with these energy drinks, I suppose.

I do wonder why I didn’t try to stop this sooner. It’s really a lot about habit. I got into the habit of buying an energy drink on the way to work every night. Besides feeling a bit sick right now, the worst part of deciding not to get them anymore was having to break my habit. I love habits, and it’s frustrating to break them. Still, it’s probably for the best. It’s just tough, as habits are my little reminders that everything is okay in life, and nothing is going wrong.
I just have to tell myself everything is alright, and nothing is going wrong, instead.

April 28, 2011

Nothing About These Knights Seems Like A Dreamcast Logo.

Everyone on Talking Time and such could not shut up about Spiral Knights. Everyone seemed to be getting into this new free-to-play game that they were describing as a mix of an MMO and Zelda. I was really iffy, but after hearing that you plug in a controller to your PC, and it just works like a controller should, I was more willing to give the game a try, and made a free account.

The game is really fun, and a great way to waste half an hour.

The MMO part of the equation is really kind of PSO in style. You run through randomly-generated Zelda-like dungeons, only with more combat and less puzzles. Sometimes you’ll have to find keys, or hidden buttons to press in order to continue on, but it’s mostly combat scenarios and loot. You fight monsters of various attack alignments and difficulties, and then move on to the next random floor via an elevator. Each time you ride the elevator to a new floor of monsters and loot, it costs you 10 energy. Now, you only have 100 “normal” energy. This refills over time when you’re not playing the game, but it can’t stockpile more than 100, kind of like turns in KoL. You can, however, buy a different kind of energy with real money (or people can buy this energy from people wanting to trade it for in-game currency) that has no cap on how much you can hold. You can also use this micro-transaction energy to buy in-game perks, like having more weapon slots. I would be willing to do something like that (I’d love to have four weapon slots) but the problem is that you can only buy the privilege of having that slot for 30 days, not a permanent unlock. Will I be playing this game 30 days from now? Questionable, and the unlock is seriously only about a dollar of this for-pay currency, but I don’t like paying real money for in-game perks that aren’t permanent, so I’ll likely do without.

The game is really casual, but with some depth to it. I don’t know all the depth, really, but since your character does not level, your ability is completely based on your gear. Fighting with gear lets it gain “heat” which is basically gear experience, and you level up your weapons and armor as you go. You also collect various crafting materials, and one of the big parts of the game I haven’t really gotten into yet seems to involve acquiring recipes and materials to create the best weapons and armor in the game. There also seems to be a way you can manipulate what sorts of random dungeon stages come up by feeding elevators different types of crystals, but I don’t really understand it.
Luckily, I don’t have to get into it if I don’t want to. The game is great about partying you with randoms if you want every step of the way, and since the game is completely co-operative with no real way for one person to screw over a party (Loot is automatically rolled for randomly and distributed. Everyone gets any money or heat picked up. There’s no friendly fire, really. The only way someone could be an ass is by not playing, but it’s really easy to kick someone from your party, or just break from who you’re with, “go solo,” and continue.) it’s been a genuinely fun experience with the random people in the game. While there’s some strategy involved, it’s nothing more intense than a normal top-down Zelda game, so you can just hack away and not worry about having perfect timing or whatever. It’s solid, mindless fun, and since you can only play about two delves into the dungeon before you run out of energy for the day, it takes awhile to get old. I’ve been playing for a few days now and I’m not feeling like I’ve seen all the game has to offer yet.

If you like dungeon crawls, and have a gamepad on your PC, you really should give Spiral Knights a try. It’s free, doesn’t hassle you constantly to give them money, and is a really good time. If I was younger, I could see myself getting really, really into this. As is, I’ll probably only play it off and on for a few more weeks, but still, at the cost of free, it’s totally a worthwhile experience.

April 27, 2011

Terror At The Submit Button

Before the end of the semester, I have to submit a bunch more stories to magazines and stuff as part of my independent study thing. Now, one might think that I would be pumped or at least not really stressed by the idea of doing this, seeing as I just got a short story accepted somewhere and thus am obviously an author worth publishing, in theory. Really, the exact opposite is true. I am dreading it.

I feel like I’m in the unfortunate place of knowing too much, but not having the experience of knowing how to use it. I’ve been on the receiving end of creative submissions at the press. I’ve seen the mistakes and I’ve seen how I react to what people send in that is just not good or really stupidly formatted. I know how important it is to follow guidelines and do things the right way if I want to be taken seriously as a professional. Let’s face it, if there’s one thing I want to feel like when I send this stuff out there, it’s like a professional writer. That’s all one gets out of it. I don’t want to seem like an amateurish dolt, or someone so full of themselves that they are too annoying to publish. I want to do this shit right, if I’m going to do it.

What should be a fairly simple affair of slapping together a cover letter, changing the formatting on a word document, and sending stuff out becomes a really stressful event for me. I pour over the guidelines and quadruple check everything, and even then worry that I’m misunderstanding them. Is this piece right for here? Am I understanding what they want? I recheck the spelling on my cover letter over and over, wanting to make sure it doesn’t sound stupid. I get obsessed that there must be something I’m missing, something that’s going to reflect really poorly on me, and make me come across as someone who is wasting these fine people’s time. I don’t want to be a waste of time. Even if my stories aren’t the right stories for them, I want the whole transaction to be smooth, and fun. But to do that, everything needs to be right. I worry and worry and when I finally send it out it’s like I’m gasping for breath, recovering from terror.

Then I have to search for another magazine to submit to and start the process all over.

Yeah, not looking forward to getting that done. It’ll be good that I did, but goodness. I hope I can keep my worry under control. When it gets out, it really goes ballistic.