The Blogtastic Blogfest That Is Getmeoutofthis.net!

There’s a thing going on with Brer. Not going to get into it out of respect to him. Ask him yourself. The important part is, the end result is that, unlike what was to happen before, he probably won’t be visiting me over Christmas break, and future plans are also now questionable, though not impossible.

It makes me feel pretty awful.

Until this happened I wasn’t aware of the number of silly little things I have acquired over the last few months to share with him when he gets here. But I have. There’s a lot of stuff. It’s all around in here, on my desk and so on. Video games. Movies. So much stuff I bought purely to sit on a couch and share with the guy I love.

I want stability in my life right now, and the feeling like everything is going to turn out alright, but I don’t have that. My thesis as it stands now got a bad, but fair reception. Lots of work to do on that. I still feel like I’m being stonewalled on my transition, something I need to start, preferably yesterday. Now my life with my boyfriend is in question, and I no longer get to show him off to my friends and family and show them all that not only do I have a significant other, but he’s here, he’s awesome, and I have a life, a female life, that I am going to lead and he is part of it. I wanted that so badly. I wanted to be with him. It’s been so fucking long.

I cried on the way back from St. Louis because I couldn’t talk to him like I do every week on the drive. I called up my Mom, and she didn’t know what to say or do. She has to stay distant. That’s okay, I suppose. It’s no help to me, though.

So I wrote this stupid, depressing fucking blog. Bleh.

I promise content the next two days. I have reactions to Lords of Shadow and Medal of Honor that should be showing up. I’m sorry I keep posting stuff like this. I just… don’t know what else to write about when I sit down to make myself. It feels like all I am is sadness. It’s so stupid. Every little 2-player video game I bought for his visit is a reminder of how I continue to fail to get my life in order. It’s just another problem in a string of constant problems, and I don’t know why I keep trying. Some days I really don’t.

End of the Semester has me going and going. Lots of stuff getting done. So that means it’s time to multitask. Two birds, one stone. That means that this Christmas list that I need to write for my parents? You’re getting it here. Here’s the sort of things that I, as a horrible consumer puppet, would enjoy for Christmas.

In the Category of HA! Unlikely:
An iPad. The more I heard about the iPad, the more I feel like it is something I could really fit into my life. The gaming is there, and I’m sure all of you on here know how much I enjoy iPod gaming. The iPad also opens up cool possibilities for things like board games. I actually bought iPad Blokus for a dollar, because when I get one, it’ll be great to pass around and play! It also would be great just to write little things on the go (in landscape mode I’ve found the units in the Apple Store to be very type-able) and have something easily carryable with more oomph than a cell phone for bedtime browsing and so on. However, it’s expensive, and I know if I got one now I would be feeling remorse when they bring out that new version in a few months with much better specs and a Retina display. Still, if I got one? Well, I would not mind in the least.
A New Wardrobe. No, not like… the furniture. This seems unlikely, but it’s something I do need to get on. The way I dress isn’t going to change TOO significantly, but there are plenty of things I enjoy that I’m going to have to search for female equivalents for in the near future. For the first time, I would not mind getting clothes for Christmas. The chances of my parents playing along with that are slim, though. Heh. And no t-shirts! The chances of capturing my style there are slim at best.

In the Category of Vidjeo Gamez:
Fallout: New Vegas. I loved Fallout 3, and this seems to be more Fallout 3 with better characters. It’s a no-brainer. I may actually have time to play it over the break too, like I did with Fallout 3. You never know! And yes, I’ll probably play it on 360.
Fable 3. I know the reviews have been less than kind, but I loved Fable 2 SO MUCH that I have to play this. I bet it won’t be mind-blowing, but I’ve got to give it a try, and I do think that I’ll enjoy it.

In the Category of Board Games:
Castle Ravenloft: I’ve heard lots of good things, and this is just the sort of quasi-RPG board game my friends really get into. It does that random construction thing, too, so that the game varies from play to play. Nice stuff, to be sure. Well, okay, I’m not sure, but again, I really want to sit down and try it.

In the Category of Practical But Cool:
Chicago Manual of Style 16th Edition. My favorite style manual updated! And now it’s a really ugly color! But no, seriously, I could use an updated copy, and Chicago is smart enough that I probably won’t need a new one for a long while.

In the Category of Impractical But Cute:
Squishable Fox. Enough said. I want to hug it.

There’s a few ideas anyway, I suppose. I’ve already gotten a lot of my shopping done, but several of my harder-to-shop-for victims are still unaccounted for. I can get it done, though. But first things first: semester finishing, THEN Christmasing.

I kind of do. And since I was dropped such a huge bad news bomb today, I am going to bet you are. Videos! On the internet! Who would have imagined?

If you haven’t watched the Gran Turismo 5 Quick Look on Giant Bomb, it is an epic experience. I recommend it. I feel like this sort of thing is exactly how I would react attempting to figure out what in the world this game is. Granted, I probably will never play the game, but man, it was like I was in the room. Mind-boggling some of the decisions made in the creation of that game.

Here’s a video you shouldn’t watch if you can’t take some cute sadness. Poor ducks.

Here’s the latest in chair technology. This seems completely useless, but kind of awesome.

Finally, seeing as it’s coming out today, here’s a quick rundown of Cataclysm. So you know what to expect. And so you can boggle your mind at why this person made this video the way they did.

I’ll be back soon with more writings. Sorry things keep being crazy for me. Maybe at some point they’ll calm down! I can hope.

I’ve been staring at this screen for half an hour attempting to come up with a topic. I don’t have one. So, you know, I guess I’ll just say this.

I really fucking want Ghost Trick.

They posted this flash demo, and I played through it a day or two ago, and man, now I’m just more frustrated it’s not going to be out for another few months. Already these characters have that Phoenix Wright charm to them, which is EXACTLY what I am wanting. And I mean, fuck, look at that animation. Beautiful stuff, and so wonderfully stylized.

I want it. But I’ve already Amazon preordered it. There’s nothing I can do until it shows up. I am in despair. The long wait between the Japanese and American release of a text-heavy game has left me in despair!

Not that I currently have time to play it or anything. I barely have time to make myself write this blog.
Enjoy the demo, anyway. I’ll try to find some time to write something significant this week.

Before my day went to total shit, I was grading papers. I pick up papers just, you know, off the stack in the order they are.

First paper thesis: Sodas are bad for you. It’s a whole paper just scaring you about how bad sodas are for your health. “Fair enough, they are kind of bad,” I said. I commented on the paper, “No citations!,” and moved on to the next one.

Second paper thesis: Energy drinks are bad for you. All kinds of health problems and issues, blah blah blah. Similar format. “Well, alright, that is a common sort of idea, sure,” I thought. I graded away. “No citations!” Next paper!

Third paper thesis: Sodas are bad for you. Again. Clearly different paper, of course, but same topic, similar points.

I look ahead. “Okay, thing about bottled water next, then… energy drinks again.”

I turned around in my chair. “These papers are trying to tell me something,” I told Cara. “They want me to stop drinking Soda and Energy Drinks.”

Then I went and got a soda from the fridge in the office.

I wonder about the fact that I am constantly finding myself thinking about the nature of happiness. I feel this urge to define it, so I know what I’m trying for, and what I’m working at to get. I want it to be something with rules, something that, if I just do the right things, I can pick it up and have it. I can just take it, and then things will be fine. I’ll transition, or move out, or have my boyfriend around, and then it’ll be okay. Things will be okay.

I don’t know if that’s true. I’m sure those are the right decisions, but I don’t know if it just happens that way.

In any case, sitting in the office today, I fell asleep trying to get my work done, and in thinking about the fact that this happened, I came up with a new potential definition of happiness that I want to run past you.

Happiness is not being so physically and mentally tired that you fall asleep any time you stop for a moment.

When I write it and look at it, it seems so stupid. So simple. It also seems to not be what happiness is. Happiness is bigger, isn’t it? Happiness is something that makes you feel good, not stable. It makes you feel like everything is alright, yes, everything’s fine, and so on. It makes you smile. Right? Something like that?

That seems so impossible in so many ways. I just want to get to the point where my very body isn’t trying to escape what I’m doing, black out and leave, much less me in general. I want to feel in control. I want to keep it together. That’s what I want.
Maybe that’s happiness for now. Maybe. Maybe I don’t know what it is, and maybe I never have and never will. I can never be sure. It always seems unreal, when I try to pull up in my head times when I was happy.

Maybe that’s just me feeling bad talking. I don’t know.

I wish I had other things on my mind than this stupid bullshit.

Have a nice day. Be happy.

What is it about this image that is so hilarious? Is it the mystery of why the bird is so scandalized by the camera, or, say, the viewer? Is it the perfect pan, or the perfect expression on the bird’s face? Is it the amazing entertainment that an animated image normally brings to the viewer?

I don’t know, but I keep laughing at it.

Seriously, it’s been open in its own window for like a week. I wish I could remember who on twitter linked it so I could give them credit here. Every time I look at it I laugh or smile.

It makes me wonder about myself. Is my life really so shitty that something so stupid and silly can invoke such a response? Like, perhaps, that this is the one nice thing going on right now? Or is that overthinking something as simple and universal as taking pleasure in the little things, like funny animal pictures. Or, I dunno, extremely phallic pictures. In the end, isn’t taking pleasure in small things a-okay?

Probably.
That’s certainly my stance going forward.

Every year, around this time, something happens. I have to start shopping for people, and buying them things. It’s crazy, I know, but it’s true. When I do that, I like to sometimes take a look at how I’m doing on that quest, just to make sure I’m on track. What’s there left to buy and how am I doing making sure it all gets bought? Well, let’s see.

Mom: No Check
Dad: No Check
Jonathan: Check
Shauna: Check
Brer: Check (Agreed not to get each other anything for more spending money during his visit)
Grandma: No Check
Grandpa: No Check
Festivus Victim: Half-Check (Physical Gifts Purchase, Project Incomplete)
Friend Gift Exchange: ??? (Unsure if we’re doing it)

Yeah, I’m already off to a good start after Black Friday weekend. Of course, most of the stuff I bought wasn’t via Black Friday-ness, but, you know. Power of the Internet! Heh. I’m kind of using a “don’t overthink it” gifting strategy this year. Having an idea, getting it, and going, you know? I suppose I also need to get Jonathan and Shauna a wedding present, but that’ll happen before the wedding sometime this week. I should also probably make a Christmas list for my mother at some point. Hmm.

Anyway, happy consumer madness to you all! I’ll be back tomorrow with something stupid, I’m sure.

I am fucking exhausted.

Like, I have no energy today. Most of the time, when I’m tired, I can still function, you know? I’ve been completely useless.

I guess the logic is that I had a lot wrapped up in getting that Bachelor party done, and now that it’s over with, and the crunch “have to do things” time is over, my body is just kind of shutting down. That’s fair enough, I suppose. Still, what’s up with those whole having a corporeal form that I have to take care of bullshit? So bullshit. When do I get to be a being that exists purely on the internet? When’s that happening? Come on, science. Pick up the fucking pace, here.

Anyway, expect, say, horrible reviews of Harry Potter and the Hallow Death The First, and Nimble Strong, and shit like that this week as we lead up to the giving of Thanks. For now, don’t look at me, look to Kris Straub. He’s a funny dude, and I recently learned that he is youtube celeb. His Youtube status is kind of old, but still really hilarious if you’re the sort who enjoys, say, his work on Tweet Me Harder. I mean, look. Here he is being a hard-boiled cop on the streets! And here he is dispensing valuable job-seeking advice. How could you not enjoy this?

Anyway, I’m going back to bed. Maybe after sleeping okay, I’ll be feeling better for the additional dentistry I’ll be dealing with tomorrow. ONE NEVER KNOWS.

Upon attempting to do my reading for one of my classes and do the homework assignment, I instead ended up writing a short description about how some theorists tended to explain my personal concepts of interpersonal relations without resorting to metaphors of D/s sex and BDSM situations, which is what I always tend to fall to. As such, I thought I’d put it here, since it honestly seemed more appropriate for a blog than for an assignment. (I’m totally turning it in as the assignment, though.)

Foucault is a cool dude who not afraid of anyone. He’s got some great ideas that really tie into my personal philosophy. Combining some of these thoughts with those of Lyotard from earlier really kind of encapsulates my own personal theories of interpersonal interaction, which I will share with you now because I’m the one behind the keyboard and I can.

Foucault talks about the idea of power being the key element of interaction between people. This is so completely true, from my experience. It’s the interaction between power levels, whether that be power based in knowledge, experience, position, or any other such form, which really sets the stage and the rules for interaction between people. It creates the notion of what is acceptable and what isn’t. For example, the power that exists between me as employee and someone as my supervisor sets serious guidelines on the ways that I can interact in an attempt to achieve my goals. Simple, obvious situation. But even between friends, family, and other such interactions that are less clear-cut, this power struggle exists and defines the rules. Again, I go back to my constant D/s metaphor. All relationships, in my view, are in some way D/s relationships, and in order to succeed in said relationship, you have to determine, through playing the game, who is the dominant one and who is the submissive one.

Even in establishing power, you are working at playing Lyotard’s language games. Your interactions are used to feel out and determine the rules, or the power structure of the relationship, so that you can move forward with your goals while working within that power structure, or, in extreme cases, attempt to completely throw it out. Language games, and interpersonal interactions, are never games of complete information, such as chess. They are always games of incomplete information, where one perhaps has a good idea of what could be in someone’s hand, and perhaps even has a good working knowledge of how they play the game, but in the end, the specifics of their options and goals are unknown. You work with the hints you have to establish their strategy as best as possible, and adapt yours accordingly. Your methods of doing this, of course, change based on your status in the D/s power structure. The D member of the interaction could much more easily simply ask or demand this information. The s member of the interaction might have to use different methods, manipulating the fact that the source of the D interactant’s power comes from the s member of the conversation in order to get what they want without the D member knowing.

Most of the time, this isn’t obvious. As I mentioned, the level of power difference between two people is not always as clear cut as talking to a boss, a mother, or a child. It’s also something that most people use and manipulate without a distinct knowledge of the game being played. However, it’s also something where knowing the rules, or even the fact that there are rules, is something you can use to your advantage. As a verified “rules laywer” in the various games I play, it’s extremely clear to me that that’s the case. Lyotard breaking it down into the fact that it is a game, and Foucault pointing out the ruleset of that game, well, that’s just a very nice added benefit, and hey, it doesn’t even have to use sexual subcultures to explain it, as I always tend to for whatever reason.

Yeah, this is the kind of bullshit I do when I’m getting edumacated.