So Droid tells me I should probably get my own web hosting. I’ve been mooching off of him for a long, long time. It’s probably time I went out and handled it on my own. I’ve no complaints… I’m pretty sure I know where I’m going to move and shit, but if some random internet person knows a really good cheap host for my little bloggy site and personal site, let me know.<\/p>\n
Anyway, for the past few days I’ve been sick to my stomach constantly, and it’s probably due to nervousness, and I just wanted to ramble about it. It’s depressing shit, and you probably shouldn’t read it.<\/p>\n
It’s really all a control thing… I don’t feel like I have any, and then I go and do things to make me feel like I have control… but in the end, this just gets me more nervous, because I feel like I need to do X or Y to please “them” (them being… I dunno… the world? It’s not anyone in particular, it’s just this force I always feel is wanting me to do things, or else) and doing my little whatevers to feel better about myself hurts that… it’s just… really frustrating.
\nBasically, I’d just like my decisions to matter, and what I do to be… I dunno… appreciated? Even quietly. Having Jonathan telling me I’m an ass for not telling him I took care of having sodas for the get together (which doesn’t affect him at all, I took care of it) is not making the effort, however big or small it was, feel appreciated. I don’t like repeating things like that 40 times. I would also like the decisions I make to be respected. I’m open to advice, give me all the advice you’d like, but I’ll make the decision. When little stupid things like “I am full and done eating” require me to convince my parents multiple times that I do not want any more, it’s fairly obvious what I want has little bearing on anything… at least to me…<\/p>\n
I don’t know, I know I’m being moody, and that makes me take things out of proportion. It’s probably not worth worrying about. But it’s things like that that make me want to move far away from here as fast as I can, so I can start anew and not have these ghosts of people’s wants, real or imagined, trying to change every little thing I do… to just live for myself and not worry, that’s really all I want…<\/p>\n