Let’s be honest. Everything has a very real possibility of exploding in my face. Everything is made of gunpowder. I’m risking igniting it.<\/p>\n
I stared at the ceiling for hours, realizing I don’t have a plan if this fails. My life, for the longest time, has been leading up to trying to make this transition happen. If it fails, if I can’t pass, if nobody accepts me, what happens then? The correct answer is, I guess, that I continue on in some capacity. Somehow, I keep going. I survive.<\/p>\n
But that seems so unbearable. Things are already unfair. I shouldn’t feel like this, but I do. I shouldn’t have these problems. The idea that I can put it all on the line, and do literally every single thing in my power to fix this, and then still not succeed is… it would crush me completely. I don’t see anything after that point. I’m sure I’d keep going somehow, but I don’t know what that means. I don’t know what life is for me after that point. I don’t.<\/p>\n
I can’t let the worst-case scenario stop me, though. I know that if I don’t try to fix this, I will hate myself. I will always worry if I could have removed this cloud over my life, that ruins all the fucking awesome people and awesome things in it. I will never feel like I did the right thing. I need to proceed. And I will proceed. As I’ve said before, nothing is going to stop me now. I’m doing this.<\/p>\n