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November 24, 2005

Lifestylez

Another night, another... night. Happy Thanksgiving, people. By the way.
I, in general, think about things. Most of these things are not very interesting or not very important. When I do think about serious things, I tend to have panic attacks or generally get feeling down. It shouldn't really be that way, I suppose, but, eh, what are you going to do?
We live in a world which is not governed by hard work. There is a chance hard work might pay off, but only very cunning, very well-aimed, very sneaky kinda hard work. Just working hard and being nice and doing everything right will never, ever do you any good. You'll be forgotten and thought over and that will be that. I do my best to do my job right, to help others I work with, and to generally make the place I work a better place. I don't go all crazy with it, perse, but I do go out of my way. I bake stuff and otherwise bring in treats, I stay later than I need to so I can help others get done, even though I've already done more than they have, I stop doing MY work to explain how to use the computer or the palm pilot or whatever to someone who doesn't understand, I collect up magazines and bring them in to work because I figure something new would be nice (although I do have a bag of magazines I keep forgetting to bring in...). I work hard and get things done a bit faster than most people, and I do this even while partially distracted by my podcasts. I am a good, model employee. I have my quirks, of course, but they're quirks, and they don't, in any way, affect me as a worker, and I do what I'm supposed to do. I'm dependable. People ask me to do special tasks because they know I will understand what needs to be done and get it done and STILL get my other stuff done. I come in any time I'm scheduled, I come in early if I can manage it almost every day and get right to work. I came in when I was fucking sitting with my friends, even when I wasn't really needed, on my day off. I do everything right, as far as I can see. And yet, I know that I will never be rewarded for it. I am never going to get promoted to anywhere with any sort of responsibility, even though I could do it, totally fucking could do it. They'll delegate responsibility to me all day, but that's as far as it goes, apparently. When Shane quit, I thought "Hey, this might be a chance for me to get promoted! I've been here since the store opened, I'm a hard worker, Kathy obviously believes in me, surely she'll suggest me!" Before I had even heard he quit, before Shane's two weeks were up, Tavares had the job. Now, I like Tavares. He's a hard guy not to like. And god damn, does that man work, and work with a smile. He is a great man for the job, and I will not put him down and say he can't do it, because he more than definately can. But he's been working at Kohl's for approximately two months. I trained him. I trained Shane too, for that matter. Does all my hard work and dedication, quitting my other job so I could do more for them, does all that not mean anything? I wasn't even considered. They didn't even post the job as open. Should I be mad about this? I don't know. Like I said, they picked a great guy, and I can't complain about their choice. But I would like to feel like I was appreciated. Like my hard work would be rewarded. I was employee of the month, yes, but that depends soley on who is bored enough to fill out the forms in the break room, and the day the pay slips reminded people to do that probably co-incided when I happen to bring something in to eat or something. That's all that means. It's nice, but that's all that really means. Is it because I'm young? Is it (something from the paranoid fears my parents have fed into me) my hair? Is it my happy friendly additude? Do they think I can't be a leader? I don't know.
I wanted to get a promotion, to get something to make me feel justified in striking out on my own, something that would make me feel like I could make it by myself. It seems so unlikely that that is going to happen. But is that really important? I work with so many people who have done this their entire lives. Alot of them have children. One of them has like 8 children or something. None of them seem unhappy, really. Bored of working, but really, there are very few jobs where one would not be. Is it really that bad of a life as everyone would lead me to believe? I don't think it is. But I don't know if I can change myself and live like that... I don't know if there is enough money in it to make it happen... I also know I can't really move out and live by myself like that very well. There are so many expenses I'm sure I barely even know about, not having to deal with them. But I know it could work... somehow... maybe. It just makes me wish my hard work would pay off. I will always work hard, but I'm not the kind of person who works hard... to find an opening to cut in or something, you know? I do what I'm supposed to. And that doesn't seem to work, really...
Also, I live so so much of my life trying to be able to look how people would like to see me. To be able to cast light off myself in a certian way so people can believe what they want to believe. There is no way I would be able to do that anymore if I struck out like that. It would be so hard to make up something that my parents could be proud of that I would be doing. Even though I assume I will always be writing in some form, they never seem to care about that. They never ask to read what I write, and when I make them, they're always like "Well, that's a bit over my head" or something... and what is going to become of my writing, anyway? I'll keep blogging and I'll keep writing essays and random little poems, but selling myself I don't do well. I can sell anyone else, and I can sell me or my ideas for other people, but I can't just sell me and things I have done. I don't know how I could make myself submit to various places and try to become published. I mean, I couldn't even keep up with writing a novel for a month, you know? How would I keep up with months of attempting to sell a novel? I have no idea.
Right now, and for the longest time, my life has been coasting. I have been in a holding pattern. At some point, soon, I will have to make a move and I will have to attempt to create a life. I hope I make one for me and not for everyone else, but I also hope I make a good one, one where I can still make people happy even when living for me. I know, somehow, I can find a middle ground between being myself and making other people happy. People claim they like the real me, and if that's true, well, there has to be a way.
If you read this mini-essay, thanks... had to... talk tonight. We'll see, of course, what I come up with and where I go in my life... I don't want anything complicated, just to work, come home, and enjoy myself and the company of my family. It's not alot to ask.

Posted by poetfox at November 24, 2005 02:43 AM

Comments

I would imagine that the reason you didn't get promoted is because you don't fit the Kohl's aesthetic. You work for a clothing store. Clothing stores tend to value certain superficial qualities in their employees. You have a certain style that is probably not in the aestethic that Kohl's is trying to create. Or maybe they just don't like you.

Posted by: piman at November 26, 2005 11:47 AM

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