March 25, 2011

I want.

I want to rip my face off. I want to sleep. I want to force everyone far away that I wish was closer into my bed for safekeeping. I want to touch technology and bend it to my will. I want to be feral. I want to be smiling and mean it. I want to sit down and be able to stand back up afterwards without a huge pressure on my chest. I want accomplish. I want to feel pride in my accomplishments. I want to sing. I want to push emotion through people with music. I want to find the solution. I want to be given the solution. I want to disappear. I want to sleep for months. I want to wake up and know the danger has passed. I want to pet my dog without feeling like crying in joy that this little girl cares so much. I want to speak with the girl I love without feeling like a horny freak. I want to fix all my boyfriend’s problems. I want my boyfriend to fix his problems. I want my ideas to be worth something. I want my thoughts to become reality at a pace much faster than the years and years it’s taken for my first big idea about my identity. I want an identity. I want to swim in water and have it feel relaxing again. I want to buy a swimsuit. I want to not have to make the conscious decision to look happy. I want to stop acting. I want to smash my head against this desk, again and again, until I can see what I’m thinking, dripping off of the edge of the wood. I want a wish other than what I’ve been blowing candles out to my whole life. I want a life. I want a place that is mine. I want rooms and rooms of people I love. I want to love people. I want to make love to people. I want to high five a stranger and have it feel legitimate. I want to relax. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror. I want to stop having to tell myself to breathe. I want to lock myself in my room. I want to hide under the covers. I want to hide under the covers with people I love. I want to drive something into my eye with such force that I can’t pull it back out again. I want to dwell in the glow of each other’s majestic presence. I want to not feel like any moment now I will trip over a gust of wind that’s slightly out of place and drop everything I am trying to keep together. I want to keep everything together. I want nothing to change. I want to feel like things are changing. I want everything to change. I want to fail. I want things to be better. I want many things removed. I want many more added. I want the mathematics of my life to be logically sound. I want a Pepsi. I want to bleed.

I do. I really do.

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