The Blogtastic Blogfest That Is Getmeoutofthis.net!

I submitted an abstract to a conference the other day.

I mean, I don’t know if I’ll get in, but goodness… that was not on a list of things I expected myself to be doing… going to scholarly conferences… reading papers I wrote in front of strangers and trying to sound important. That is just… not something I was going to do!

I’ve always thought of myself as a smart enough person, but never so much as an “intellectual” or someone who does this kind of shit. Someone who would, potentially, be making their way in life as an academic. That was never even vaguely in the game plan. I never really felt comfortable writing papers. It never felt like I was doing good work, even though I always got good grades on them. To think that creating these papers could be a marketable skill for me seemed… pretty crazy.
The main reason I’m drawn to that kind of life at all is a want to teach, and the main reason I’m repelled from it is getting into the supposed “Publish or Perish” mindset of actual academic life, you know? I don’t need this vague deadline over my head that I’m needing to get another article out there. Ugh.

And yet here I am. I submitted a paper.
I dunno. It’s odd.

My students have completed their first paper, and are well on their way to the second. I’ve also graded my first paper, and been observed in class. How did I do?

Good!
Apparently!

On the grading scale, it doesn’t look like I used many C’s or D’s. I had a couple awful papers that ended up as F’s, and a handful of really good papers that got A’s. and then most of the class ended up in the high to low B range. I’m pretty okay with that. It does indicate that perhaps I had a lot of “freebie if you did the work” points in there, since those who got the really low grades were the ones who did not get those. I’m trying to be fairly nice with having those points about, seeing as this is an entry-level course. Seems like the right thing to do.

As far as being observed, that too went very well! My class didn’t, uh, do the assignment at all that day, so I’d probably put the class in the middle of the road as far as how successful the class was. We did get some discussion going, and that was good. I also got points for being very prepared and having a great sort of “classroom persona” and being able to ad-lib useful stuff from student feedback, which is awesome to hear.
(The best thing, though, was that there was no mention of my dress whatsoever. Take that, Mom! I win! Completely vindicated!)

So yeah, I guess I’m doing as well as I think I’m doing? Probably? It’s all going pretty well in my class. Of course, there are already things that I’m probably going to change or fix next semester. But it’s good to know I already have the hang of this stuff. Very good to know.

I remember, way back at the beginning of the semester, when I was told that “You should really look ahead to see where major assignments are, and not schedule papers due around that time!”

Man, that’s some advice, huh? That I didn’t follow?

Yeah, I’ve got the first big paper for my class now, and it needs to be graded. On top of that, I also have my first big paper for my Linguistics course, and I need to finish up a short story, among other basic homework.

This is going to be a real busy weekend! Aren’t we just excited?
Of course we are. Of course.
I mean, technically, I hope I’m done with most of it at this point, when this actually gets posted. That would be totally cool and super sweet. But, you know, I’m realistic. If nothing else, I’m sure I still have that Linguistics project to work on. Yay yay.

Anyway, I’ll stop complaining and get back to work now, I suppose.

So I guess Blackberries are magic or something? Because I put my school e-mail into the phone and it magically can check it somehow, even though it’s some crazy silly proprietary system. Not that I mind that it’s crazy magic and working.
In any case, now I get my e-mails about all the work associated with my TA position beamed straight to my phone!

I feel so professional.

This is just one in a constant string of things that make me feel professional. First it was the office, totally, and then it was just how I was being treated in class. My students still don’t have a thing to call me that I don’t dislike, but it’s just kind of a thrill to be treated as someone with the knowledge and know-how by such a sizable group. And now it’s this kind of thing, where I’m responding to students in real time and stuff, going all Crackberry like an executive or something…

I’ve never really felt more legit than this before. It’s just nice to have that. I mean, I knew I was good enough. I knew I was that good. I didn’t really question it. But it’s one thing to know, and it’s another thing to feel like you’re being constantly recognized for it, and to be treated as an equal, if one who’s still getting experience, rather than a cog in a wheel.

I think I might have said it before. But still.
I could really get used to this.
I really could.

My class is quiet.

I don’t know, I mean, I suppose that’s to be expected. It’s an 8 AM class. Nobody is awake. I’m only awake because I wake up like 2 hours before so I can warm up to it, and I still have to down some caffeine beforehand. So It’s not like I can really blame them.

But man, I dunno.

As a teacher, I want to bring to the classroom what was effective for me. And frankly, until I realized that reading the assignments let me talk in class, and talking in class was where the education and the entertainment in education was… until I realized that, I hated literature classes, and I hated a lot of how they went on. Then, suddenly, when I could contribute, the classes became mine. Well, not just mine, but ours, It belonged to everyone in the class. It was a group journey. That’s just infinitely more entertaining.

I want to bring that to my class, to get them started on the right foot, because if they get used to that early, maybe they won’t fuck up like I did, you know?

But I am unsure what it is. Maybe they don’t think they can contribute anything. Maybe they’re coming right off of high school where they never had to say anything in class. But sometimes, it just really isn’t happening, and I can’t get anyone to say anything. Even in their responses, where they are supposed to be free to write whatever, and I keep writing comments constantly saying “TELL ME YOUR IDEAS” they just keep summarizing over and over. Bleh.

I mean, it’s early in the semester. Maybe I’ll get them to understand later. It’s silly to think everyone is going to start out perfect. It’s silly to think that my dream classroom is just going to come together before me, especially in a freshman-level core requirement English course.

But I can hope, eh?

So this first week had me pretty exhausted. Not because school was particularly draining or anything. It was simply because I was waking up really, really fucking early, and I am simply not used to that.

BUT IT APPEARS IT SERVES A PURPOSE!

I have been getting up early, and going to my office, and working on stuff. I’ve graded papers, done some planning, did some homework in my classes. I did stuff!
But on Thursday, I got distracted with certain nice conversations with certain nice people. So by the time I got to my office, it was already 8. I didn’t have time to get everything done! There were 3 papers left ungraded! Gasp! So I swore I’d come back around noon, and headed to the university press.

When I get back, instead of the completely empty office I am used to, I was greeted with an office with people in it. An office filled with people who are social.
Now, I’m glad that people want to talk to me. That’s neat. I’m happy to help people out with their computer issues and such. That is also neat. But goodness, it took me 45 minutes to grade those three papers. I had some nice conversations, but I wasn’t getting anything done.

So that’s why I’m going to keep waking up early, I suppose. I really don’t want to have to do that kind of work at home. It’ll help me relax better if I don’t. And I’m not going to get much done while visiting with people. So I’ll get there early when I’m the only one there and bang it out.

It is interesting, actually being in a real office enviroment like that, though. I’d love the visiting if it was just a matter of “work X hours and you’re done.” For better or worse, though, teaching does not work like that. So, you know, what are you gonna do. Gotta get my shit done.
Probably.

Oh, it’s going pretty well. Thanks for asking, title.

I mean, my first day went pretty well. I had some people write. I mangled some names on the roll. I went over a syllabus. You know, fairly normal stuff.

As per usual, I had some extreme performance anxeity right before I went into the room. I assumed this would be just like acting, and it was. I was really nervous. I paced around Grauel for like, 40 minutes, walking up and down stairs at extreme speeds and whatnot. And yet, once I got into the classroom, I was cool, casual, and did what I came there to do with no real hesitations.
For whatever reason, my students seemed pretty attentive and untalkative. But, you know, that’s to be expected at 8 in the fucking AM, isn’t it? I do hope we’ll be able to have some class discussions in the future, if for no other reason than I feel like I got more out of those class discussions than anything in my college career. A good class discussion is better than any other class activity, you know?

But yeah, I think it’s all going to work out fine.

I already got an e-mail from a student too, thanks to issues with textbook acquisition. That’s what I get for assigning things so quickly, I suppose. But I answered that like a champ.

I am a champ.
Maybe.

Okay, probably not, but I’m going to do a good job, okay?

So, who cares how good a job I do, right?

All that matters is that I’m dressed up, in proper, masculine fashion.

Who gives a shit if I’m engaging my students, or helping them learn to write better, or any number of actually important things. No, all that matters is that I am not allowed to be comfortable in my own skin. I can’t just be me, who is an intelligent, fun, and effective teacher. I have to be someone different, someone who is probably worse at a lot of things, but damn, they look good, don’t they?

That’s what’s important in life: Being a false person.

Ugh. Arg.